On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a lesbian Christmas movie called Happiest Season, streaming now on Hulu! For this very special occasion, Emily is joined by her true love Kelli to run this thing through the patented Christmas ranking scale. Results (and spoilers) to follow.

Emily: Okay so we have to take this movie through the Christmas ranking scale and decide what to rate it in every category, but first we can say what appealed to us about this movie initially and then we can end with final thoughts. So, what made you want to watch this? 

Kelli: I wanted to watch this movie for a couple of reasons, but first and foremost because gay.

Emily: Yes it's v gay.

Kelli: As we've discussed in our Queer Girl Book Club series (keep your eye out for another entry this week!), I am recently exploring my own queerness for the first time in my life and as such am particularly drawn to stories about WLW.

Emily: I also want to note that this is written by Clea DuVall. And if you look at DuVall's Wiki the only thing it says under "Personal Life" is "DuVall is a lesbian." Periodt. 

Kelli: HAHA yes, def. My main experience with Clea Duvall is the time she played Megan Fox's ex-girlfriend on an episode of New Girl.

Emily: Wow Megan Fox was on New Girl? LOL.

Kelli: She briefly replaced Zooey Deschanel while she was pregnant! Lmao.

Anyway, we are both fans of the work of Kristen Stewart, and knowing she'd be playing a lesbian in a Christmas romcom was super appealing to me. It's not her typical movie role (the Christmas romcom part, not the lesbian part) and that excited me. Also, I love Aubrey Plaza and Dan Levy, who both give supporting performances here.

Emily: Also Mackenzie Davis. 

Kelli: Yes! Even though I hated her in this. Lol. WE'LL GET TO THAT

Emily: THAT'S NOT HER FAULT but ok

Kelli: Side note: did you know she's playing the main girl in the Station Eleven series?? I'm excited. (This is relevant because we covered Station Eleven on the podcast!)

Emily: No, but that's great.

Kelli: But yeah, agreed, not her fault. I don't think there's anything she could have done acting-wise to improve upon Harper.

Anyway, what interested you about this? Other than this 12 Day of Christmas Movies series?

Emily: Pretty much all the things you said. It's super gay. It's got a great cast. We haven't mentioned Alison Brie yet, but I would die for her.

Kelli: Yes yes, of course. So are we running this through the patented 12 Days of Christmas Movies Rating Scale?

Emily: We sure are. First up is...

ROMANCE

Emily: Let's talk this through. The central romance is between Abby (Kristen Stewart) and Harper (Mackenzie Davis). Harper invites Abby to come with her to her family's house for Christmas but then the next morning is like, "Oh wait maybe don't." But Abby's like, "No, I want to come, let's do this." And then on the way up there, Harper reveals to Abby that she's still in the closet and her parents think Abby is just her roommate.

Kelli: Her straight roommate. Although, as John (Dan Levy) says when Abby tells him this, "Have they ever met a lesbian?"

Emily: Yes, I could have told you back during Twilight days that Kristen Stewart was gay as hell. In fact I did. I told many people.

Kelli: I'm so happy that she is living her truth.

Emily: We're all better for it.

Kelli: For sure. Anyway, as the plot description would imply, trouble ensues! 

Emily: Yes. I bring up the plot here, because from a romance perspective, this is an issue for me.

Kelli: Me too.

Emily: Abby has purchased a ring and plans to propose to Harper, but this whole set-up suggests these two are not on the same page. And as the movie continues, this becomes more and more obvious. But the movie doesn't really seem aware of how incompatible these people are?

Kelli: It's strange, because at times it does seem like it. Like, when Abby has a conversation with John about how she wants to be with someone who is ready to be themselves in the same way that she is. Everything that happens in this movie, from Harper's absolute terror that anyone in her hometown will discover her secret to her icy treatment towards Abby in group settings to the way she reacts when she is outed tells us that she and Abby are not going to work. After the initial plot conceit is revealed (about five minutes into the movie), there is not a single moment where this relationship seems healthy or good.

Emily: No, not at all. And this is even more apparent when Aubrey Plaza's character is introduced, and we learn about Harper's past relationship.

Kelli: In fact, I think we (and every lesbian on twitter) agree that this movie would have worked better as a romance if Abby had ended up with Aubrey Plaza's character (Riley) instead of with Harper.

Emily: 100% I was rooting for them. Riley is really cool and open and understanding and fun. All the things it seems like Abby is looking for in a partner. And Harper is NONE OF THOSE THINGS.

Kelli: Right. And Riley goes out of her way to make Abby feel comfortable in an uncomfortable setting that she ended up in BECAUSE OF HARPER. And yet.

Emily: And yet it all somehow ends up working out for Harper and Abby in the end. Why? Am I supposed to be rooting for them?

Kelli: It is incomprehensible.

Emily: So how would we rate the romance? LOL

Kelli: I don't even know!!! This is out of 10, right?

Emily: Yes.

Kelli: I'm going to give this a 4/10, and that 4 is purely for the possibility of romance between Riley and Abby.

Emily: Haha that seems fair. I'll cosign that. Moving on. Next up is... 

MUSIC

Kelli: I remember thinking about this while watching the movie and noticing that there were some light Christmas bops but nothing particularly memorable.

Emily: Apparently the soundtrack includes these people, but this playlist also says "INSPIRED BY." So I don't know if any of the music on this soundtrack actually appeared in the movie.

Kelli: According to this article, it looks like they all do. I think the Spotify playlist is just missing some of the other songs. There are a bunch of traditional Christmas songs on this list as well.

Emily: I will say that there is a sing-along number in a bar. 

Kelli: OH yeah! That was fun.

Emily: Which scores this major Christmas music points. Any time there's a Christmas song that people in the movie are actually singing, I feel like the movie should get big ups for that.

Kelli: Also a Tegan and Sara Christmas song, which earns it major gay points. 

I think we can give this a decent score then. What would you say?

Emily: I'd give it a 9/10.

Kelli: Cosign.

Emily: Next uuuup…

MORALITY

Kelli: This is a tough one.

Emily: I feel like this movie is definitely trying to have a moral.

Kelli: Like, at the end of the day I think this movie is trying to say a good thing, which is that A) Parents should not be so hard on their children because that causes them to hide their true selves, and B) People should feel free to BE their true selves.

Emily: Yes, but there are some things that people do in this movie that I can see as being VERY TRAUMATIC and unforgivable. For one, being forced back into the closet is shitty.

Kelli: Absolutely. And being dragged out of the closet is also shitty.

Emily: Yes.

Kelli: Harper does the first one and her sister does the second, and both of them are forgiven for this by the end of the movie. Which is to say, within five days.

Emily: Right. I just feel like that minimizes the severity of what they did.

Kelli: I agree.

Emily: In fact, Harper's sister Sloane (Alison Brie) doesn't get any sort of backlash for forcing her sister out of the closet. Because Harper tells everyone she and her husband are separating... which is somehow equal? It's not.

Kelli: Yeah, it's not at all.

Emily: So yeah, I feel like this movie is trying to say something good but also normalizes some really troubling behavior.

Kelli: Yeah, not to mention the fact that these parents are forgiven for a lifetime of awfulness after one single apology, and Harper is forgiven for not just forcing her girlfriend back into the closet but also for treating her like shit and gaslighting her for the entire trip. The moment when she tells Abby she feels like Abby is SUFFOCATING her? I could not.

Emily: Harper is a brat.

Kelli: I hate her. Like how are you going to invite your girlfriend to your hometown where she knows no one and can't even be her true self and then tell her that she needs to give you space? Thank god for Riley.

Emily: Right?

Kelli: So... what do we think? 7/10 for effort? Higher?

Emily: I would say 7/10.

Kelli: Cool.

Emily: I could be convinced to go higher but not lower. Because at least this does HAVE a moral. Unlike THE PRINCESS SWITCH.

Kelli: Yeah, definitely. And I think it gets a lot of things right, including the way the storyline with Jane plays out, which I really enjoyed.

Emily: Jane is a delight.

Kelli: She is! She is the only member of this family who is a good person. 

Emily: Yep and THEY RUINED HER PAINTING

Kelli: HARPER. HARPER RUINED HER PAINTING.

Emily: Anyway, next up is.... 

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Emily: I feel like this movie should score high in this category. It's VERY Christmassy.

Kelli: It is. And there's also the element of Abby's character being sort of 'bah humbug' about Christmas at the start because she lost both of her parents, which is why Harper wanted to invite her home in the first place. To give her a nice Christmas. Good job, Harper.

Emily: Yeah, you failed.

Kelli: But still, a Christmassy conceit. Lots of Christmas decor and cute Christmas outfits too. The style in this movie, particularly for Abby and Riley, is excellent.

Emily: Yes. I loved their party dresses. Very Christmassy. This has all the Christmas elements. Parties. Trees. Singing. Presents. Shopping malls. 

Kelli: Screenings of It's A Wonderful Life.

Emily: 10/10 for Christmas spirit, I say.

Kelli: Agreed.

Emily: Okay. NOW…

WARMTH

Kelli: Okay. I am pretty mixed on this.

Emily: Yeah...

Kelli: I think there is a lot of warmth here, particularly in the friendship that blossoms between Riley and Abby, in the friendship Abby already has with John, and I GUESS in the family elements of the movie, even though this family fucking sucks.

The warmth between Abby and Harper exists at the beginning of the movie and the end of the movie and that's about it.

Emily: Yeah, Harper and Sloane are also just so shitty to each other and to Jane.

Kelli: Right.

Emily: And to everyone frankly.

Kelli: And the parents are shitty to everyone.

Emily: It's just hard to root for this family's happiness.

Kelli: Extremely. This is the least likable Mary Steenburgen has ever been.

We were clearly supposed to be overwhelmed with the warm and fuzzies at the end of this movie when the sisters come together and talk to their parents, and then during Harper's apology/plea for a second chance with Abby, but all I could feel was resentment. Especially when we jump to a year later and it's like, oh look, it all worked out and they're happy! It's not earned at all. We see Harper give the apology and we don't get to see any of the work she supposedly does to fix this. This movie had me actively rooting against its central couple and that is a problem.

Emily: Yes. Agree.

Kelli: Maybe it's because as a viewer you're forced to think of all the times you gave someone a second chance who didn't deserve it. Like, cool, these people fall into the .5% of couples who actually work out a HUGE incompatibility issue. It just feels unrealistic and frustrating. And I know Christmas romcoms aren't necessarily supposed to be realistic, but I don't know.

What do you think for the warmth rating?

Emily: Ugh... I'm just sort of meh. Which is not warm. So like... 5/10?

Kelli: Yes, that's fine with me. So what does it come out to? I refuse to do math.

Emily: LOL LET ME SEE…

35/50 = 70% - Average.

Which feels right.

Kelli: Yes, I would say this is a C movie. I'm just bummed because I wanted to love it.

Emily: I know. I'm glad it exists. I just want it to be better..

Kelli: Same. I'm just like, did they test screen this at all? Because almost everyone I have talked to about it had the exact same reaction.

Emily: Is there a way we can find that out? LOL

Kelli: I tried googling it to no avail.

Emily: Oh I also want to add there are a lot of genuinely funny moments we didn't get a chance to discuss. Kristen Stewart is really funny in this. Also the whole subplot of her friend killing the fish.

Kelli: LOL Yes. Dan Levy is a delight, please watch Schitt's Creek, thank u goodbye.

Emily: So like, this is an enjoyable movie. You should all watch it and let's hope this is just the beginning of a whole gay Christmas movie wave.

Kelli: I hope so! Because that's the thing: if all of our expectations weren't resting on The Only Lesbian Christmas Movie, there would be more space for there to be different kinds of stories within this construct.

Emily: V TRUE. OK GOOD JOB EVERYONE

Kelli: SEE U NEXT TIME JK I'M NOT WATCHING ANY MORE CHRISTMAS MOVIES.