You know, I love a good musical. And I love Keegan-Michael Key. So I went into Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Story cautiously optimistic. Especially because the images I’d seen from this movie were really beautiful and vibrant and just screamed Christmas joy to me. And who doesn’t need a bit of Christmas joy this year? I need a bucket of it. Where is it? Is it in this movie?

Let’s find out…

So Jingle Jangle is the story of Jeronicus Jangle, an inventor, toymaker, and the owner of the toy store Jangles and Things. At the beginning of the movie, Mr. Jangle creates a sentient matador doll (played by Ricky Martin). But when Jeronicus leaves with his family to celebrate, the doll convinces Jeronicus’ assistant Gustafson to steal the doll and the book of inventions to set to be an inventor in his own right.

Flash forward to 30 years later. Jeronicus is older (and now played by Forest Whitaker) and basically running a pawn shop. Gustafson (played by Key) is now a successful inventor, but he’s having trouble coming up with new ideas. All seems lost until Jeronicus’ granddaughter Journey rolls into town…

So how does this movie rate?

Romance: 5/10. So… this movie doesn’t really focus on romance all that much. That’s not really the point, so I would feel weird docking this movie too much for its lack of romance. Jeronicus does have a wife at the beginning of the movie, but she dies. Jeronicus’ daughter also seems to be a single parent.

Later in the movie, a romance develops between Jeronicus and a post office worker who deeply cares for Jeronicus and his plight. But this whole subplot is downplayed, and I wouldn’t say it’s suuuper romantic. So eh… 5 points for at least nodding to romance a little? Even though most of these characters are single Pringles.

Morality: 10/10. There’s a lot of celebration of creativity here, in not giving up on your dreams, and of love and forgiveness. Also this isn’t directly a moral, but it is nice to see a Christmas movie with a very high production value that has a predominantly Black cast. Now let’s do more of those.

Music: 3/10. So yeah… this is a musical, so I’m going to be really harsh in this particular category. Let me explain. I think it’s been established at this point that good songs in musicals either reveal to us something about the character who’s singing the song and/or they advance the plot in some way. For as flashy and well produced these musical numbers were, for every single one of them, I sat there thinking, “Hmm… I’m really not sure what they’re singing about.”

It’s not that I didn’t understand the lyrics. It’s just that they don’t really mean anything. Let’s just take a look at the chorus of one of the big numbers:

“And I'm ready now to fly away/And gravity won't get a thing to say/It's my choice if I/Get to touch the sky/Is it possible/That the square root of impossible is me?”

Huh?

So let’s break this down, I guess. In this chorus, Journey is talking about hypothetically “flying away” not because she’s trying to escape anywhere, but because she wants to help her grandfather build his toy. So I guess that’s kind of like flying because she’s succeeding. But away? Away from what? Gravity won’t get a thing to say? Why are we extending this metaphor when it doesn’t really fit in the first place.

The metaphor continues without meaning and then this ends by saying “the square root of impossible is me.” What is this supposed to mean? Is this supposed to let us know that she’s really good at math? And if she’s good at math, what exactly does she think a “square root” is? Because I’m guessing she’s trying to say she’s able to do seemingly impossible things? Or is she trying to say that she’s the opposite of impossible? Either way, using “square root” to signify either of these ideas… makes. NO. SENSE.

I could literally break down the meaninglessness of most of the lyrics in this way. But who has time for that? Also that seems needlessly cruel.

I will say this movie has STUNNING visuals to go along with the music, and the dancing is wonderful. But the lyrics? Bad. The music? Forgettable. And none of it feels very Christmassy, on top of that.

Christmas Spirit: 6/10. So what makes this a Christmas story, considering that the music (and the visuals) are not particularly Christmassy? Well… the frame story is I believe on Christmas night. A grandmother is telling the story of Jeronicus Jangle to her grandkids. Jeronicus has until Christmas to get his store up and running and pay his debts. So the day is… mentioned as being significant as a bill collecting day? And it takes place in a toy store. And there’s snow. But other than these small touches, it’s not really about Christmas at all. I don’t understand why it’s Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Story.

Warmth: 10/10. As underwhelmed as I was with a lot of this movie, I also feel really bad being critical of it because of its warmth. And I want to stress again how beautiful the movie looked, from beginning to end. There are also these animated segments that are really well done.

But back to the warmth. I know I said this movie isn’t really about romance. That’s because it’s about family and being there for one another and fostering not just your own dreams but the dreams of the people you care about. That’s a really sweet, warm message.

I also want to mention there’s a really sweet snowball fight scene with Jeronicus, Journey, and some other kids from the neighborhood. This was probably my favorite scene of the whole movie, and it really exemplified all the good things about this movie: warmth, fun, and dancing.

Let’s get to that final score!

34/50 = 68%. Jingle Jangle is not a terrible movie by any means. It is a little long for what it is, yes, and I don’t think it’s one I’ll be putting on every year at Christmastime. Even though it has the vibes of a movie that WANTS to be a yearly tradition movie. But this movie is worth watching once just for the exuberance of it and the beautiful costume designs and overall production value.

And if you do want to watch it, it’s available on Netflix right now!

We’re halfway through our Christmas movies already! What will it be next time? You’ll have to wait and see.