Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha’olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tsivanu l’hadlik ner shel Hanukkah, y’all.

I have been promising to cover a Hanukkah movie in this 12 Days of Christmas Movies series, and sadly, Hallmark’s new movie Mistletoe & Menorahs is the best I could do. This is the tale of a boring white woman who needs to learn more about Hanukkah to impress a Jewish guy so she can land a big account for the toy company she works for. Fortunately, she finds the only Jewish person in America who knows nothing about Christmas, and so they teach each other all about the traditions of their respective faiths. In the process, they realize that both holidays have more in common than they originally thought. And no, it’s not latkes. It’s love. Aw.

So how does this movie fare on our patented Christmas Movie rating scale? Let’s just find out.

Romance: 10/10. Whoa. I know what you’re thinking. “Emily, how does this movie get a 10/10 in any category? It sounds terrible.” Well, friend. You’re not wrong. But here’s the thing. Hallmark Christmas movies were BUILT to get 10/10 in the romance category. They practically invented Christmas movie romance. So if they didn’t rock it out in this category, they’d be doing it all wrong.

How did this particular movie accomplish a coveted 10/10 in romance? The chemistry between the two leads. On her own, Kelley Jakle, who plays our female lead Christie Dickinson (such a Christmassy name, am I right?), is bland AF. Honestly, her knee-high boots have more personality than she does. But her chemistry with Jake Epstein, playing our male lead Jonathan Silver, is pretty hot. It doesn’t hurt that Jake Epstein is hot. Or maybe that’s just the chemistry on screen talking. Let me know what you think in the comments. Is Jake Epstein hot, or is it just Hallmark Christmas movie magic?

Anyway, this movie checks all of the Christmas movie romance boxes. Before hitting it off with Jonathan, Christie has the stereotypical Mr. Wrong boyfriend. He comes over to watch the game. He doesn’t care about the things she cares about. And perhaps the worst offense of all: HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT CHRISTMAS. Of course we know she’s not going to end up with this guy, and that makes Jonathan, in comparison, look all the better.

Oh but this movie doubles down. Jonathan also has his Mrs. Wrong. She isn’t as egregiously terrible as Christie’s dude, but she HATES CHILDREN. So obviously she’s evil and doesn’t deserve happiness.

So really, by the time Christie and Jonathan kiss under the mistletoe at the end of the movie, how can you not be cheering for this. And no, this isn’t a spoiler, people. MISTLETOE IS IN THE LITERAL TITLE OF THE MOVIE. WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?

Morality: 10/10. This movie is pretty good at clearly announcing its morals throughout the movie. There are several. I guess the most obvious is that it’s important to try new things and think about other people’s experiences besides your own. Whether that means traveling to another country or learning about Hanukkah, you become a more empathetic understanding person by going outside of your comfort zone to see how other people live. If you didn’t get this from the storyline, many characters directly say something to this effect during the movie.

The other moral would be going for what you want. This is another one that’s blatantly stated throughout the movie. Whether that’s going for a job you want or that hot Jewish dude under the mistletoe, you gonna cease the day.

These morals are corny as hell, but that’s sort of what Christmas movies do, so I gotta give this one a 10/10.

Music: 6/10. Here’s where this movie starts to fall apart. This movie is filled with holiday music, but it’s all pretty generic music Hallmark didn’t have to pay a ton of money to get the rights to. In other words, there’s no Wham, so fuck this movie. Just kidding… kind of. I’m giving this an extra point in this category though because of Jonathan leading everyone in singing “Hanukkah, Oh, Hanukkah!” Not once, but twice!

Christmas Spirit: 10/10. Uuuugh. I hate to give this movie 10/10 again, but this movie is brimming with Christmas spirit. I mean heck, this basic woman starts off each day by eating a chocolate out of her advent calendar. Does it make my stomach turn thinking of eating a giant piece of chocolate before I even get out of bed in the morning? Yes. But is it Christmassy? Also yes.

Warmth: 3/10. I know this movie is trying for warmth, and it’s probably unfair to rate this low in this category. Because technically all the pieces are there. Jonathan is a school teacher who’s really good with kids. This is a movie all about the importance of family and remembering to spend time with your family and loved ones during the holidays. But it all just seems very… hollow. This movie checks all of the holiday movie boxes, but it definitely feels like a movie made to check boxes. Did it ever worry about being actually, you know, good?

I also worry that this movie might be a little tone deaf when it comes to the Jewish experience in America. I can’t say for sure because I didn’t grow up Jewish, but it seems to me that a Jewish man who grew up in America and happened to leave the house EVER during the holiday season wouldn’t need help learning about Christmas traditions. It seems like he would know all about cutting down Christmas trees and how to put up Christmas lights. And forgive me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think wrapping presents or snowball fights are traditions that exclusively belong to Christmas? This kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

Nevertheless, I’m surprised at how well this movie ended up doing in so many categories. What was its overall score?

Total: 39/50 = 78/C+. I wish there were more Hanukkah movie options out there. But since there aren’t a ton, if you’re wanting to watch a Hanukkah movie this season, here is… an option.