Picture this: you’re on a train just trying to commute to work and maybe enjoy a lil podcast and/or crossword puzzle along the way. You’re minding your own business. Then, out of nowhere, some dude you see every day on the train invites you to help you plan a big Christmas party for everyone on the train. What do you do?

If you say you’d plan a new route to work from then on, you’re my people. But that’s not what happens in the very British Christmas film This is Christmas. After seeing his fellow commuters stick up for a guy on the train who lost his ticket, Adam (Alfred Enoch) gets a brilliant (?) idea. Clearly all of these people on the train are human beings with feelings. And human beings love to party! So why not have a big Christmas party for everyone on the train. He will not be providing the venue or the food or the spirits, but he is providing general good vibes. WHO IS IN?

Not me. Not at all. But let’s run this guy through the Christmas scale and see what happens.

Romance: 7/10. Okay, I’m going to be fully honest about what’s going on here, because this movie REFUSES to be. There is one reason and one reason alone that Adam really wants to have this Christmas party. And it all has to do with a woman he sees on the train every day, Emma (Kaya Scodelario). Adam is clearly into Emma from the very beginning, but he also has a girlfriend (and she has a boyfriend). So the only way he can spend time with this complete stranger is by planning a party and convincing Emma to plan it with him. What follows is a lot of very important “party planning meetings” which are actually just Adam and Emma hanging out. And of course, they end up breaking up with their significant others and getting together by the end of the movie. But let’s be clear: the objective of this party was to get away with cheating. The movie tries to act like this isn’t what is going on, but this is what’s going on.

I don’t find this set-up very romantic at all, but Alfred Enoch and Kaya Sodelario are two cute people who are young British icons in their own right. So there’s something that’s still very cute about them being together. They’re also not the only romantic couple in this film. There is a proposal at the end of the movie. It’s kind of precious.

Morality: 4/10. So it’s clear what the moral is supposed to be in this movie. Say hi to a stranger. You never know if they could be your new best friend. Or whatever. I don’t believe this at all. I definitely believe in respecting other people. But part of respecting other people is leaving them the fuck alone. We don’t all have to be best friends.

Of course, I can’t get over the fact that I think Adam just wanted to hang out with a hot girl and have his fellow train-goers cater their tryst. But whatever. Even if the moral of the story is what the movie makers want it to be, I hate this so much. Please don’t talk to me.

Music: 0/10. The music in this year’s batch of Christmas movies has been extremely underwhelming. There was a point at the end of the movie where a band was on stage, and I thought to myself, “Surely, they’re about to sing a Christmas song.” But no. Instead, Suzy (Nadia Parkes) sings “What’ll I Do” (I think? I’m not going back to check). This was your moment! WTF!

Christmas Spirit: 10/10. Well, It was snowing. And there was a Christmas party, And it was all about caring for your fellow man. And there was a montage of people giving presents to others and stuff. So yeah. I guess this was pretty Christmassy. It was also just really boring.

Warmth: 10/10. Sure, I don’t think Adam is here for the right reasons, but it’s hard to deny the warmth and general coziness of this movie. Yeah, Adam and Emma get together by the end of the movie. But the real warmth in this film comes from all of the friendships made amongst the train passengers. There’s something delightful about that. And they didn’t even need any children or animals to get there! Unheard of!

Y’all. I don’t know if it’s just Christmas fatigue or the thought of talking to strangers, but I really did not enjoy this movie. Still, how does in rank in terms of being a Christmas movie?

31/50 = D. Not the best, but not the worst. I feel like I’ve told you everything you need to know about this movie, but in case you feel like you need to watch it anyway, This is Christmas is available to stream now.