Picture if you will: Emily and Susan standing in Bachelor Mansion in long, sparkly gowns. Cue the mood music. In walks Chris Harrison. He says, “People. Emily and Susan. This is your final recap of the season. When you’re ready.” We each pick up our final rose, look at one another and gulp audibly. Here we go.

Emily: Greetings from New Zealand! So glad I could pop back in for this, our final episode of the season. Hey, Susan, I just wanted to say it’s been great recapping with you. This was our first season ever fully committing to Bachelor recaps, and it was a good idea. Can’t wait to get back into this for The Bachelorette. But for now, let’s finish out this whatever of an ending.

Susan: Yes, this season truly ended with a whimper. But I have also had lots of fun recapping with you. Definitely more fun than I had actually watching Colton flounder around for eight weeks. Bring on Hannah B(achelorette)!

Emily: We’re just doing one recap for both episodes, because unlike The Bachelor, we don’t feel the need to stretch one night’s worth of material over the course of several recaps.

Susan: Whenever I see a live audience, I know we’re in for a lot of filler, and the live audience – and random former contestants – are out in full force. I immediately sense that we are going to watch 30 minutes of actual material spread thinly over four hours. Lawd help us.

Emily: We begin where we left off. Chris Harrison’s like, “We might have lost Colton in the countryside. Who knows?” But, like, we do know because we saw him on The Women Tell All and he’s been doing the press tour all season, so… he is alive.

Susan: But something did happen to his hair when he was in the ~wild~.

Emily: Yeah, it got spikey. Someone somewhere (IDK who but it wasn’t me so I don’t want to take credit, and TBH “somewhere” was probably Twitter) pointed out that Colton’s new hairdo looks a lot like Cassie’s dad’s hair, so that’s a thing.

Susan: We are treated to a recap of the entire season. IDK what is in it because I fast-forwarded. #noregrets. Finally we’re back in the “wilderness,” aka the Algarve at night, as Chris Harrison and the production squad run around yelling for Colton like you would for your dog that escaped your yard. “Here, boy! Heeeeere, boy!”

Emily: Chris Harrison actually whistles, dude. They also were looking in the brush like he was going to be crouched under a bush somewhere. Like, y’all know Colton is a person, right? Who am I kidding? Of course they don’t.

Susan: When they catch up to him, Colton is just casually walking and Chris is very winded. Colton is crying. He’s probably pretty pissed at production for setting up the whole thing with Cassie’s dad. I mean, I’d be annoyed. He says, “Every time I put myself out there, I get fucking rejected.” If only there had been some warning that Cassie might do this…

Emily: He also says every time he gets rejected, he knows he’s not enough and it only makes him stronger, which is real sad. But also, what are you talking about? I wonder if Tia is watching all of this. Anyway, we cut back to the studio audience or whatever and before we go to commercial break, Chris Harrison says, “Will Colton find love? And what about his virginity?” Literally NO ONE cares as much about someone else’s penis as Chris cares about Colton’s. Chris brings Colton’s virginity up so much over the next two night that people actually start laughing at him about it. It’s embarrassing for him and the show.

Susan: In the morning, Chris comes to talk to Colton. These past five minutes of screen time are more than Chris has appeared in this entire season. He earned his billion-dollar paycheck this week.

Emily: I feel like this show is evolving past Chris Harrison. Every moment he’s on screen is awkward AF. Chris Harrison is from another era of this show.

Susan: Colton is like, “I think she loves me.” Chris is like, “…but…what if she’s just not that into you?” Chris Harrison: The Voice of the People.

Emily: Okay, that was true though.

Susan: Unconvinced, Colton says Cassie is just scared and she couldn’t fully be in because the other two women were still there. This is a thing we’ve never heard Cassie talk about. Colton says he has to fight for this relationship and he is all in.

Emily: You can tell Chris Harrison’s not buying this. He’s just like “LOL OK.” But for the drama and for the potential deflowering, he’s going to let this thing play out.

Susan: Colton shows up at Tayshia’s door looking like he just had a near-death experience, so she probably knows what is up.

Emily: Oh girl, they didn’t have sex on their fantasy suite date. She’s BEEN knowing what’s up. I was trying to read her emotions during this conversation. It was really confusing. Honestly, it seemed like she was okay with what was happening until Colton said, “I’m in love with Cassie.” Her response is, “Mmhmm.” And then she immediately asks if they can talk off-camera. My immediate reaction was, “NO TAYSHIA THIS IS NOT WHAT I’M PAYING FOR,” but thank goodness they’re still mic’ed so we hear what they’re talking about.

Susan: She basically has to coach him through this breakup because he is not an adult and can’t keep his shit together. This is why Tayshia would have made a great Bachelorette. (I’m not unhappy with who they chose; we’ll get to that later.) She’s experienced in this. She knows how to articulate her feelings and be compassionate toward someone else. Colton, on the other hand, seems to think only he has been hurt so however he handles this doesn’t matter to the two women left. Tayshia cries for 2 points.

Emily: Tayshia, you deserve better.

Susan: Back to the live studio audience. Tayshia is in the hot seat (10 points) and her makeup looks flawless. They bring out Colton so she can get some “closure,” but she kind of blows it by just listing fun things they did?

Emily: Yeah… she’s just like “We shared so much together. Sky diving… bungee jumping… not doing it in the fantasy suite.” She’s really struggling here. In other news, I know everyone’s talking about how great Tayshia looked, but I’m sorry, I hated her dress. She looked like the was wearing a bedazzled shower curtain. Not good. I like the new hair, though.

Susan: Colton still has to break up with Hannah G., who is just journaling away in her hotel room. I kind of hope she was writing rap lyrics. Colton shows up and basically says the same thing he said to Tayshia verbatim. He might as well have sat them down together and just given the “I can only be in love with one person and I love Cassie” speech once.

Emily: Yeah, this was just insulting. Like, he knows they’re going to watch this on national television later. Couldn’t he at least PRETEND he thought of them as two different people? Anyway, Hannah says that she can’t believe this is happening because she was literally just journaling about how much she loved him, and we all know if you write it down in a cheap journal it must be real. She says, ““I didn’t think it was possible for there to be a better connection than what we had.” And I’m just going to have to take her word for it because I never saw them do anything but make out.

Susan: Hannah is completely shocked, and it’s clear she means it when she says she had no doubt Colton was going to choose her. He tells her he thought it was going to be her. Colton is bad at breakups. Hannah cries for 2 points. She says she didn’t picture telling him she loved him when she was leaving. Between saying this and saying that she loves him to camera, she gets 15 points.

Emily: To me, the saddest moment was when Hannah says, “I don’t want to leave here without you.” That felt pretty real.

Susan: Colton leaves her hotel room and says “I don’t know if I’m making the right decision. What the fuck am I doing?” Does anyone on this show know how to make any decisions?

Emily: No because they’re all babies. I need an older bachelor next time, please.

Susan: He also says a thing I don’t know how to feel about: “I don’t know if I’m giving up a sure thing for something that might be impossible.” I just think I’d feel a little icky if I was Hannah G. watching this back. I wouldn’t want the reason someone wants to stay with me to be because mine is the “safe” relationship. I wouldn’t even want to be thought of that way.

Emily: Yeah, just in general, I can see why this whole thing would be particularly hard for Hannah. Colton says a lot of things that should make her feel icky. For instance, he tells her, “You still remind me of home.” And I’m glad she says how crappy that made her feel. She says when he told her that before, it made her think that they had something special, but now hearing him say it makes her realize it was all just a line. (Basically this is what she says… I didn’t transcribe this bit,)

Susan: Back in the hot seat (10 points), Hannah G. is looking RIGHT. That emerald color is beautiful on her. She’s clearly still really emotional, and she gets 2 more points for crying in this new location.

Emily: Now this is a dress I can get behind. And I love the side boob cleavage.

Susan: And now, the most confounding filler time of all: a random panel of dudes who kind of know Colton, here to talk about Colton’s questionable decision-making skills and *gasp* whether he is still a virgin. So for like, five minutes, we have to listen to Garrett (gag), Jason (here to remind you he’s dating Kaitlyn), Ben Higgins (clearly being groomed to take Harrison’s gig when he retires), and Blake (needed to fill a fourth seat).

Emily: The best part of this section was when they all decided to make fun of Colton’s hair together. Ben says he walked by Colton backstage and had to close his eyes so that Colton’s hair didn’t poke him in the face.

Susan: Cut to Cassie in her hotel room (because we ALL knew they didn’t fly her ass home yet, just in case), talking about how she “made the right choice” and how she “can’t wait to move on.” Y i k e s.

Emily: Yes, she LITERALLY says “I can’t wait to move on with my life.” Sigh. ANYWAY… before we get to the chat between Colton and Cassie, we have to cut to a “TO BE CONTINUED” because of course ABC had to make this two nights.

Aaaaaand… Welcome back. It’s night 2. Where were we?

Emily: Colton knocks on Cassie’s door and there she is and she looks confused as always. They sit and talk. Here are some things that were said: Colton tells her, “I’ve sacrificed everything for you.” And Cassie’s like, “I’m sorry WHAT?” Colton says, “I’m not sitting here asking for marriage at the end of this. I’m sitting here asking for a second chance to take it day by day and figure it out.”

Cassie’s really hard to read here. She’s kind of smiling and covering her mouth? She says, ““I’m so nervous right now. What? This is crazy. This is really crazy. I can’t believe you did that.” She explains to Colton: “I think being sure of how I feel is for some reason really hard for me.” Um, probably because dudes have literally dictated what you should want for your entire life? I can’t even blame her here. That sucks for her. To be honest? She seems really happy.

Susan: They go to Mallorca, and they’re basically on my dream honeymoon, which is a Portugal-Spain two-weeker. Colton says that Cassie could be in love with him by the end of the week. The Bachelor has such specific timelines for when certain degrees of love happen.

Emily: Even though I’ve watched several seasons of this show by now, we’ve gone so off book that I forgot that meeting the parents was a thing here. It seems a little unnecessary but the fam has already been flown out to Spain, so here we go.

Susan: Colton debriefs his family on the Cassie-broke-up-with-me situation, and they’re like “Um…”

Emily: He also jokes with his family that he’s not a virgin anymore. Everyone is very uncomfortable. It’s clear Colton has been hanging out with Chris Harrison too much and has forgotten that real life people don’t want to know about the status of his penis.

Susan: Outside, Cassie is really nervous, as one might be when meeting her recent-ex-turned-new-boyfriend-again’s parents, who definitely know she dumped him yesterday. She cries for 2 points.

Emily: Colton says Cassie should just be honest with his family about how uncomfortable she is, which is really bad advice. Cassie shows up, and she’s like like hello family nice to meet you IDK if I even like your son.

Susan: The family meeting is uncomfortable. To Cassie’s credit, she is at least honest with his parents when she says Colton is and has always been “a step ahead” of her. I was worried because before she went in, she said, “I hope I can tell them what they want to hear.” *cringe*
Colton’s mom says “They’re not tracking on the same page.”

Emily: At one point Colton’s dad starts crying because... his son got broken up with one time? This seems extreme. Am I missing something?

Susan: Colton and Cassie get ~one last date~, which Chris Harrison frames as Colton’s last chance to lose his virginity in a nationally televised setting. I, for one, hope they do it so we can stop. fucking. talking. about. It.

Emily: For real. Colton tells the cameras that he’s “literally” given Cassie his heart. Literally. I cannot.

Susan: They rappel down a cliff to have a picnic. Weird way to get there but ok. Colton uses this opportunity to throw together some metaphors about rappelling and taking risks and his relationship with Cassie. He says now he has no “safety net relationship.” Again, if I’m Hannah or Tayshia watching, I’m like WTF?!

Emily: Colton clearly gives zero fucks about the other women at this point.

Susan: Cassie explains that her previous relationship was very controlling, which is why she is hesitant about getting into another committed one. This chick totally came on The Bachelor not thinking she’d even like the dude but would maybe be on Paradise. And here she is.

Emily: This actually explains a lot to me. And honestly, if you go on The Bachelor with any other mindset, you’re kind of delusional.

Susan: These two iceberg salads finally go to the damn fantasy suite, and they make a big ol’ scene out of Colton kicking the producers out, even though that was going to happen anyway. Some producer says, “Good luck!” and let’s face it, Colton’s going to need it.

Emily: I’m sure he’ll get the hang of it.

Susan: Wait! We haven’t assembled a panel of random people since last night, so now we’ve got Demi, Sydney, Onyeka, Chris (Goose), and, of course, Ben Fucking Higgins. This is basically hot seat time, so Demi, Sydney and Onyeka all get 10 points. They’re here to speculate about whether Colton laid the pipe. I’m using a dumb euphemism because this whole panel is about dumb euphemisms for fucking. Why is Goose here?! Why is anyone here?!

Emily: Onyeka makes a really dumb comment about how long Colton will last? Or how big his dick is? I’m not sure what she was getting at, but it didn’t land.

Susan: I hate myself for giving them points but I need the points because Emily is gonna smash this contest.

Emily: It’s the next morning. Cassie says her calf still hurts. I’m wondering what sort of sex move strains your calves. Doesn’t sound pleasant. Anyway, they totally boned so maybe we can stop talking about it (JK Chris Harrison is going to keep talking about it).

Susan: I thought about this too, and I’ve got nothing. The calf remains a mystery.

Emily: Cassie and Colton come to the hot seat (10 points for Cassie). Chris Harrison asks if they had sex because of course he does. Colton says that he doesn’t want to sell Cassie out like that because her dad would LITERALLY murder him. No this isn’t what he really says, but this is definitely what he means. Chris says, “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Susan: Even if they didn’t in the fantasy suite, they DEFINITELY are now. People are not that giddy around each other unless they’ve been to the bone zone.

Emily: Colton gives Cassie his final rose at the ATFR show, which means Cassie wins (50 points). And because the Lord is testing me, next we get a live concert from Air Supply. You know Cassie is thinking, “DAMMIT I THOUGHT I GOT THROUGH THIS SHOW WITHOUT HAVING TO ENDURE A PRIVATE CONCERT.” But she gets points for the private concert. 5 points (I went back and checked) for Cassie. They awkwardly dance to “Making Love Out of Nothing At All.” I hate everything.

Susan: I like this song, but I was also very not happy to see Air Supply. But I was happy it wasn’t some random country star named Layne Rainy or Cody Coderson people were going to pretend they’ve heard of.

Emily: It’s finally time for the announcement of the next Bachelorette. Chris Harrison says, “It’s not who you think it is.” Except it totally is. Congrats, Hannah B! 40 points for Hannah B. I’m really curious about how this is going to go, because Hannah B. is having trouble putting together complete thoughts at this rose ceremony. I wonder if she’s going to be delivering this flustered realness all season or if she’ll be more rehearsed when the show is filming.

Susan: I think they start filming this weekend, so I don’t think she’ll have time to get the hang of it yet. I dig the awkward realness. I thought she was fun to watch last night.

Emily: Because this is a thing we do now, Hannah B. meets a few of her bachelors right away. Oh, by the way, she wants you to know “it’s just Hannah now.” Fair enough, Hannah. Okay so there are two dudes named Luke. One Luke looks like a baby Nick Viall and he makes a weird oral sex joke: “I don’t go down South often but for you I’d go down any time.” So… you don’t give oral sex often? Wait… what? Chris H. says he’s not sure if he likes that. After a whole season of speculating over Colton’s virginity, Chris Harrison is suddenly uncomfortable when female sexual pleasure is hinted at. I see you, Chris Harrison.

Susan: I did love that Chris was like, “I thought it was Nick Viall. I was like ‘not again!’”

Emily: We also get Dustin, who is the first of likely many to make a joke about how bad Hannah is at toasting. He does bring out champagne so A+ for that. Too bad Chris Harrison wouldn’t let anyone drink it.

Susan: This is the obvious move, but it’s not super well executed.

Emily: Cam comes out rapping, and he’s almost as good as Hannah G.

Susan: I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but… I didn’t hate it? It felt very tailored to her, and it was kind of funny.

Emily: We also get Connor. Connor is really tall but he looks fifteen. When this dude came out, I was like, oh jeez, I’m getting old. All of these Bachelorette contestants are starting to look like babies.

Susan: Hannah says she could give out a rose right now, and Chris is like, “Ok, let’s have a rose ceremony!” She is super awkward but actually pretty funny. “For those of you who don’t get this rose, I’ll see you at the mansion, and you know, try harder.” Adorable. Cam gets the rose.

Emily: Anyway, that was it for this season yeah? Any final thoughts?

Susan: Um, congrats to Colton and Cassie, I guess? They do seem really happy.

Emily: See you back here in May for Hannah Bama’s Bachelorette journey. I seriously can’t wait.

Susan: Yes! I’m so pumped! Roll Tide, y’all!

SUPERLATIVES

Best ATFR Look: Hannah G.

Worst Haircut: Colton

Most Extraneous: Air Supply

Most Obsessed with Colton’s Penis: Chris Harrison

Biggest Mystery: Cassie’s Calf

Most Excited for Bachelorette: A three-way tie between Hannah B., Susan and Emily

Drowning in Bitches

Cassie - 67
Hannah B. - 40
Demi - 10
Total: 117
Total from Previous Weeks: 630
Total Total: 747

Here to Make Cocktails
Tayshia - 12
Hannah G. - 29
Sydney - 10
Onyeka - 10
Total: 61
Total from Previous Weeks: 612
Total Total: 673

There you have it, Bachelor Nation! Emily’s team, Drowning in Bitches, claims victory for this season. Congrats to Emily and all her bitches! Well done!