Hello AYTO fam. I did a bit of traveling this week, so I’m behind on my television watching. I know, it’s a real shame. But I finally got around to watching this episode, so here is your recap. Get it while it’s hot (before you watch the new ep tonight).

Why does Cali look so excited, you ask? I will get to that. Hold your horses.

First, we have to go back to where we left off last week, with Lewis telling Asia that he didn’t find her attractive . . .

Hello! Welcome to the beginning of this episode. After Lewis tells Asia he is okay sleeping next to her because he has absolutely no interest in sleeping WITH her, Asia storms off and tells the entire house that Lewis called her ugly. That isn’t… exactly how it went down, but yes, Lewis could have been more tactful. Would it have been as hilarious had he been nice about it? No, of course not.

Asia, my advice to you: stop wearing green-brown lipstick that makes you look like you’ve been kissing turds. Then maybe people would find you attractive. Oh yeah, and stop being a bully.

Moving on. Brett is turning out to be just as big of a piece of shit as all the other dudes in this house, aside from Moe who is an actual angel. Brett says his connection with Nutsa is strong on a surface level. He still can’t keep his mind off of Cali, but he does want to have sex with Nutsa. Nice one, bro.

It works for him though, because:

That’s right. Nutsa and Brett get hot and heavy after Nutsa asks if he wants to “cuddle,” and she goes down on him. The next morning, she announces: “Good morning, MTV. I sucked some dick today. And I’m so proud of myself.” You go girl. We need T-shirts that say this, please. Someone make this happen.

Let’s check in on Zak and Morgan now, shall we? Now that Zak and Bria are a confirmed match, everything with Zak and Morgan should be peachy, right? Wrong.

Morgan and Zak are lounging on the couch looking bored AF. Zak loves the drama, and since his relationship with Morgan doesn’t involve anyone screaming, crying or threatening murder, he’s falling asleep. How does Bria respond to this?

Yep, she’s pleased as punch. Just look at her. “I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad about themselves,” Bria says. “I just think people should be reminded of their positions and the roles that they play.” Looks like we’ll be getting another “I’m the baddest bitch” speech some time soon. Prepare yourselves.

The Fate Button

So it’s FATE BUTTON time again, and this time Terrence is letting the two random ladies pick the men they want to bring out on a date with them. The house is pleased. Asia says, “Terrence continues to bless us.”

This is the second time someone in the house has been thankful to Terrence for something that was 100% not his decision. I’m so confused. Do these idiots really think Terrence J here is running the show? Even worse, do they think we the audience believe Terrence is running the show. Wise up, MTV. It’s 2018. It’s not the 90’s and this isn’t The Real World. We know how reality tv works. ANYWAY.

Let’s hit that Fate Button.

Going on this date is… Nutsa and Bria. Get ready because shit is about to get bananas. Nutsa, being the sweet baby angel she is, says to the house, “You guys decide who I should go out on a date with because I don’t know who my match is” (or something to that effect. I didn’t transcribe that line. sorry).

Of course, Bria… being Bria… takes advantage of that real fast. She tells Nutsa she should go out with Zak. Bria says she will pick Brett (obviously with the intention of swapping dates once they’re out of the house, if that wasn’t painfully clear).

Look, I get why Bria did it. It makes sense. Bria is crazy. She doesn’t care if she’s sabotaging the rest of the house so long as she gets to make out with Zak. What I don’t get is how she convinced the rest of the house that this was a good idea. Nutsa LITERALLY SUCKED BRETT’S DICK LAST NIGHT. WHY would you think she should go with Zak?

To make matters worse, Brett has decided that there’s no way Nutsa is his match. He takes Asia aside and tells her to “get the house under control.”

I still think Kwasi is a terrible human being, but I’m with him on this one. Kwasi is furious that Brett is messing up the game by pushing Nutsa away when clearly they should be voted into the Truth Booth. I really don’t get how the rest of the house is so easily manipulated.

The Date

Asia, Nutsa, Brett, and Zak go canoeing in the ocean for their date. Nutsa says that she’s always dreamed of canoeing because (and this is a direct quote, my dudes), “In The Notebook, there is this couple, and they row a boat.” 

On the date, Zak has been drinking the Kool-Aid and actually thinks Nutsa might be his match. Zak says he thought Nutsa was ditsy, but he’s realizing she’s smart. I also thought Nutsa was ditsy. I still do, but I like her because she’s sweet and funny. Besides, you can totally be ditsy AND smart at the same time.

Anyway, that’s a tangent. Zak says he’s trying to “crack” Nutsa open, which is funny because he name is NUTsa. It made me chuckle, ok?

Bria has decided that Nutsa is probably Zak’s match because Bria thinks she and Nutsa are the most similar in the house. But, of course, she quickly adds, Nutsa isn’t nearly as pretty or as fun.

Before you can blink an eye, Nutsa and Bria have switched dates and Bria is chatting up her confirmed no-match Zak. SHOCKER. Bria says something stupid and/or sweet to Zak, and Zak says, “Awww.” Bria’s response is “Don’t aww me. This isn’t ‘The Notebook.’” YO, why is everyone so obsessed with The Notebook in this episode? Do you guys have no other context for romantic relationships? This is a sad state of affairs.

Anyway, Bria and Zak make out. It’s infuriating.

The Truth Booth

Let’s get down to it. Because of Bria and Brett scheming and/or being dumb, the house votes Zak and Nutsa into the Truth Booth. They are… NOT A MATCH. I am shook.

JK. I am not.

When the failed couple get back into the house, Nutsa says she and Brett are more likely a match. Brett says he agrees. WHAT THE HELL, BRETT. The whole house is mad. They’re all like, “DUDE YOU SAID SHE WASN’T YOUR MATCH ASSHOLE!”

Kwasi is the most irritated of them all. He tells Brett that he’s a liar, and the only reason he did this is because he isn’t ready to leave the house. It’s totally true. Brett wants to stay in the house so he can stare longingly at Cali while Nutsa sucks his dick.

Still, Nutsa is all on on Brett. She says she plans to go in and give Brett a big hug. She is too pure for this world.

The Match Up Ceremony

Cue the ominous music, because it’s time for the Match Up Ceremony. Here’s where we get to Cali’s happy face. Cali has devised a plan in which the house singles out some of the “power couples” to find out if these beams are any of the couples who keep sitting together. I, for one, think this is a really great plan, even though I think it’s SUPER lame to call yourself or anyone else a “power couple.”

Anyway, all the couples are going to stay the same except Cam and Kayla are switching with Cali and Tomas. This way, if they get fewer beams, they know if one or both couples are a match. If they get the same number of beams, then they’ll know neither couple is a match. It’s pretty straightforward. It’s basically like getting two free Truth Booths. Some of the people in the house are idiots and think this is a dumb idea because they don’t realize how much information this would give them. But most people are all in.

This episode ends on a cliffhanger, with Cali praying to the Are You the One God (who is apparently Terrence, since he’s the one who bestows blessings) that this plan will work.

Thankfully, because I waited so long to watch/recap this episode, the new episode will be out for me to watch it tomorrow. So I won’t have to wait long. Hehehe. I cannot wait.

Are You Moe?

Let’s get rid of the facade here. There’s no reason to have an “Are You Emily’s One?” section any longer because the answer will always be Moe. So now, this section is officially called “Are You Moe?” This week, I didn’t see Moe making any food, but I did see Asia make cinnamon rolls. Still, Asia is on my shit list for being a bully and for wearing ugly lipstick, so Moe still wins out, even without the cooking.

And that’s our episode! I’ll be back soon with the next recap. See you then!