Hey! Guess what?

The Truth Booth has officially confirmed that Tevin and Kenya are a match. Yeah, there’s no need to get all worried about this. I told you last week that, based on this magic thing called “mathematics,” we already knew Tevin and Kenya were a match. So really this isn’t a spoiler. This is just math. I know. Crazy.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get on with recapping this episode.

So everyone is all excited that Tevin and Kenya are a match, except for Jasmine, who is just like, “Fine, so I guess Tevin isn’t my match.” No shit, Jasmine. No. Shit.

Kayla, on the other hand is exploding with joy, like she just won a pet dolphin or something.

Kayla, how are you real?

I love how when these people find their perfect match, suddenly they act all sage like they know everything about love. Sam asks Kenya to tell her the secret to love, and Kenya’s all, “You gotta open up and be vulnerable,” which I guess to Kenya means giving Lewis a BJ in the Boom Boom Room.

But nevertheless, the beloved tale of Tevin and Kenya gives Sam home for her relationship with Daniel, even though he was grinding up on Cali last week. She basically says, well, if Kenya and Tevin can stay together even though they were fucking around on each other, then maybe I can get over Danny dancing on Cali. So there’s that.

Let’s move on to my favorite person in the house (this is sarcasm)… Kwasi. Kwasi has decided he and Jasmine are one of those beams, so he takes her on a picnic and tells her, “I think we’re a beam and I don’t want you to look at any other guys.” So basically he’s pissing on her. 

Again, Kwasi calls himself the Beast, which is awesome for Jasmine because she loves Disney movies.

I really miss Tyler Colon from last season. He really gets me.

Anyway. Jasmine is like, “I must have the wrong name. I should have been called Belle. We’re in the wrong Disney movie.” You know, because Kwasi is Beast? And Jasmine’s name is Jasmine? Like in Aladdin.

Kwasi doesn’t get it. Thankfully, Jasmine made this helpful image for everyone:

The Match Up Ceremony

Yes, we’re getting a Match Up Ceremony now. Everything is trash. Let’s burn through this:

Asia picks Daniel

Lauren picks Cam

Bria picks Lewis

Samantha picks Andrew

Kayla picks Moe <3 <3 <3

Kwasi says the only pairing that makes sense so far is Moe and Kayla because: “Kayla’s weird! Moe’s weird! It makes sense.”

Cali picks Zak

Morgan picks Tomas

Nutsa picks Brett (this is the other beam right here, folks)

Jasmine picks Kwasi

They get four beams. Again. And yeah, I think Kayla and Moe and Nutsa and Brett are the matches here. Pretty confident in this.

Feminist Corner

Hello and welcome! This is a new segment brought to you by the letters P and V and the contestants Morgan and Jasmine. Let’s see how this plays out, and then please let me know what you think.

After the Match Up Ceremony, Morgan asks Jasmine if she thinks it would be super terrible if she slept with Zak, even though he’s been a total dick to her and completely flirted with Cali right in front of her. And didn’t really apologize.

Jasmine, stating the obvious, says, “I feel like he doesn’t really respect you.”

Morgan’s response is, “I don’t respect him either. But that doesn’t take away our physical connection.”

Jasmine, being the boss bitch that she is in this moment, announces this on national television: “I literally use my vibrator every night before I go to bed. Bitch, don’t tell me about needing something.” Yes, girl.

Morgan hears Jasmine out and then is like, cool, I’m going to go have sex with Zak.

Fade to black.

The next morning, Asia and Kwasi are PISSED that Zak and Morgan had sex last night, and they decide to call the couple in for a little family meeting. Asia asks, “Why are y’all still rocking with each other?”

Morgan says she isn’t “rocking” with Zak. And Asia argues that, well, if you’re fucking someone, you’re kind of rocking with them. Morgan says, “I don’t have to be in love with someone to have sex. Guys can be like that, so why can’t girls be like that too?”

Okay, so, while I get what Morgan is saying in theory, Zak sucks so much. And also, if they don’t believe they’re each other’s matches, they shouldn’t be sleeping with each other because that will make it difficult for them to make meaningful connections with other people in the house. Also Zak sucks. What do you think? Was Morgan just hooking up with Zak for #feminism? Let me know in the comments.

Brett jumps in and tells Asia she’s full of shit and should just leave Morgan and Zak alone. Which is fair. Asia is full of shit.

Meanwhile, I kid you not, Moe and Kayla are in the kitchen eating snacks. Sweet babies.

The Fate Button

This week, it’s back to being totally random once again, and going on this date are: Cam, Tomas, Samantha, and Jasmine. Yeah… IDK about this one, dudes.

On the date, Tomas tells Jasmine that his favorite movie is High School Musical. And Jasmine, the queen of Disney princess references, tells Tomas he can’t be her match if HSM (ALSO A DISNEY MOVIE) is his favorite movie. Tomas tries to course correct by explaining, “I just like ‘Breaking Free,’” which is just THE WRONG ANSWER because everyone knows “Bet on It” is the jam.

Zac Efron better not hear about this. And yes, I know “Bet on It” is from HSM2. Shut up.

Anyway, Tomas is like, well, neither of these girls are my match so whateeeevs. Zac Efron is probably his perfect match. I ship it.

Somewhere else on the boat at some other point, Jasmine and Cam make out. So apparently High School Musical is a deal breaker, but Donald Trump isn’t. Priorities. Jasmine is a really weird kisser. I feel like she def learned to kiss from watching Disney movies. 

Like… what is happening here?

The Truth Booth

This is so dumb. The house sends Cam and Samantha into the Truth Booth. They’re clearly not a match, and the booth confirms this. Yawn.

What’s more dramatic is the moment when Kwasi finds out Jasmine kissed Cam on their date. The Beast is coming out. He doesn’t like it when other dudes touch the women he’s claimed. “This is not no game that a warrior needs to play,” he says. 

Anyway, we end with Kwasi throwing a hissy fit and rolling around on the ground. A producer comforts him. I hate him. That is all for this week.

Are You Moe?

This week, the Moe award goes to Kayla for posting this:

If Moe and Kayla are weird, they’re two weirdos I want to hang out with for sure. Love them.

See you soon for Episode 13! Let’s do this.