Aaaand… that’s a wrap, ladies and gentlemen.

Season 7 of Are You the One is officially in the books, and I heard on the grapevine that Season 8 is already casting. More importantly, Season 8 is looking for bisexual/gender-fluid people, so this should be interesting. How in the hell are those poor people going to be able to find their match when literally anyone in the house could be an option? I guess we’ll just have to wait until next time to find out, and I will be here to recap all of the madness. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. For now, let’s put a nice bow on this season.

In case you’re shouting at the screen right now, “Emily! You didn’t recap episode 13! Where is it? I needs my recaps!” Well, let me explain. 13 is an unlucky number, and much like high rise hotels and apartment buildings, I just decided to skip 13 to avoid any mysterious happenings that could be explained by superstition. Ok no fine. The truth is, I thought episode 13 was boring and I didn’t have much to say about it. So here we are.

We ended the uneventful Episode 13 with Brett and Nutsa finally heading to the Truth Booth. After evading a trip to the Truth Booth with Nutsa TWICE (!!!), Brett has finally given in on the very last Truth Booth. Of course they are a match. If I were one of these other people in the house, I would be pissed. They should have gone into the booth WEEKS AGO.

Sweet Nutsa doesn’t care though. She’s just like, “Come here, you fox-faced man with fluffy hair.” Good for them. I still hate Brett.

So anyway, now the final Match Up Ceremony is on the horizon, and these idiots are like, well crap, we’ve wasted a lot of time and we have to figure this out. Enter the house mama Asia, who decides now is finally the time to maybe do some speed dating and get to know other people.

Here’s what we learn from the speed dating: Zak is still a major dick. Bria and Cam might be a match because Bria doesn’t care about politics, which is the best Cam (an avid Trump supporter) can hope for in this house.

Everyone in the house decides that Sam and Lewis must be a match, but Samantha is resistant because she likes banging Danny. Lewis tells Sam that it makes sense that they’re a match because, “I like everything that’s in your brain.” He’s quick to add that she’s got a nice booty too, just in case she was worried she wasn’t being objectified. This is Mtv, after all.

Still, Sam is whining about going with her heart and picking Danny at the ceremony over going with strategy and picking Lewis. I just don’t get when these things are plot points in Are You The One. You’re just sitting with him for a few hours, Samantha. It’s not like you have to marry the guy or even touch his dick. Calm down.

So, you know, to make sure things go down the way she wants them to go, Asia decides to start a little rumor that Danny and Cali kissed. Kayla’s all like…

This is such a dumb idea. I hate Asia so much. But she goes and tells Kayla and Moe and acts like she saw all of this go down when IT IS A TOTAL FABRICATION. A LIE. Moe, being the sweet angel of my heart that he is, is like, “We’ll I’mma tell Sam. This isn’t ok.”

Surprise. Nothing comes of it. Sam’s like, cool, I’m going to ask Danny about it. The end. Better luck next time, Asia.

The Match-Up Ceremony

So now, it’s time for the final Match Up Ceremony, apparently. And I’m just like… what’s going on? There are still 40 minutes of this episode left. How are they going to stretch this BS out for another 40 minutes? This is actual insanity.

This above is actual footage of me sitting there watching the start of the ceremony and realizing we still had 40 minutes of show left. Yes, I was so shocked that I turned into Lewis.

Let’s get into who matched up.

Cali picks Andrew. Andrew says he’s feeling Cali 100%. Good for them.

Kayla picks Moe. And this is when I shout at the screen “OTP!” because they are both darling angels. Kayla says, “Moe has taught me there’s so much more to me than other people see. I am confident. I am strong. I’m a boss bitch.” Well… no, honey. I don’t know that I’d call you a boss bitch just yet, but good for you. Baby steps.

Morgan picks Zak. Terrance asks if he feels bad about the things he put Morgan through, and Zak’s like, “For sure, bro.” So sincere. Morgan is not happy with Zak. She says if they are a match, they’ll never know why because Zak didn’t make an effort to get to know her. So proud of Morgan for actually sticking up for herself.

Next up is Sam. There’s a whole big back and forth about whether she’s going to pick Lewis or Daniel. Everyone is like, “OMG SAM DON’T FUCK THIS UP FOR US.” Bria says if Sam doesn’t pick Lewis she’s going to be throwing punches. Sam says, “There’s a hundred different strategies that we can go with but we only have one heart to follow.” Mtv takes us to commercial break because of course they do.

Sam picks Lewis. Lewis says this pairing makes sense to him because, “She comes off as unapproachable and I come off as ignorant and an asshole.” Okay then.

Jasmine picks Daniel.

Lauren picks Kwasi, explaining, “I’m bad, I’m bossy, and I’m classy, so since I’m BBC, I need a man with a BBC, so I pick Kwasi.” I really don’t understand what she’s talking about, and also, who is Lauren again? I remember her falling off a horse back in episode 3 or something, but I seriously thought maybe she went home because I have not seen her around since.

Kwasi’s like, “Well, my mom is a teacher, and Lauren is a teacher. So it makes sense that she’s my match.” I’m just going to leave that there for you guys to unpack.

Asia picks Tomas.

Bria picks Cam.

Tevin and Kenya are looking very skeptical, because apparently now that they’re a perfect match they’re fucking love gurus or some shit. Sit down, you two. Nobody asked you.

And the result is…

11 beams. That’s right. Somehow they did it. But we still have thirty minutes of show left, so… what the hell is going on? Is this not over?

No, now Terrance announces that he’s going to allow them to do something that they’ve never done before in AYTO history. They get to go back to the house to hang out and get to know their matches. I hope they set up extra Boom Boom Rooms for this.

But also… what’s happened in previous seasons? Do they just have to leave immediately after this beam ceremony? I somehow have trouble believing that.

Full disclosure: Here in my notes, I’ve written “I wish people would stop letting Cali talk.” But I have no idea what I was referring to, so I’m just going to use this opportunity to say one last time that Cali sucks.

She’s not the worst, though. Because that award still goes to Kwasi…

I guess Lauren disappeared again to wherever she goes when they’re actually filming this show because Kwasi is hitting on Maria now. And I get it. Maria is hot. But she’s also very clearly in a thing with Shamoy and has been since the beginning, so what’s going on? Is Maria just trying to get some last minute airtime in here?

Kwasi tells Maria, “shut up and kiss me.” I guess this line normally works for him?

It doesn’t work on Maria though. She says, “I can’t do that because my perfect match is waiting for me to sleep with him.” I guess Shamoy doesn’t get a say in any of this.

Meanwhile, in the sunken couch area of the house that has become Lewis and Asia’s hang out spot, it appears as if Lewis has decided he is in fact sexually attracted to Asia. It’s hard to figure out what exactly is going on underneath the covers, but…

Yeah.

Lewis tells the cameras, “Just for the record, we weren’t doing too much. We were just pillow fighting and she was just tickling me under the covers.” Was she tickling your penis with her vagina? Because that’s what it looks like. Just saying.

Let’s move on to the next morning, shall we? I’ll even give it a title just to give this episode the structure it so desperately needs.

The Next Morning

Hello. Welcome to the next morning.

So Zak decides to sit down with Morgan and have the “I know I treated you like crap, but we’re cool, right?” conversation. Ladies, we all know how that one goes. Here’s the transcript from this particular exchange:

Zak: Good morning.

Morgan: Don’t try me with that please.

Zak: Were you shocked when we were a match?

Morgan: I was not shocked. You were shocked.

Zak: Once we did the strategy and you and I were sitting next to each other, I was like oh, fuck. I fucked that up.

Morgan: How’d you fuck it up?

Zak: Fooling around with other people while you were my match the whole time. I apologize. You were right. I took advantage of the fact that I knew you liked me, and I just fooled around and I ruined it. So I apologize.

Morgan laughs.

Zak: You don’t think that I’m sorry?

Morgan: I think that you played the game completely wrong. We could have lost because of you. Honestly.

Zak: We won. The only thing I did wrong was hurt your feelings.

Morgan: You… were wrong for hurting my feelings? That’s what you’re saying? Like, your actions were fine? You thought everything you did was cool? You think that’s cool?

Zak: I’ll work on it.

Morgan: Sure you will.

Zak: Are we going to hang out outside of the house or no?

Morgan: I just think you’re a terrible person. (laughs)

Anyway. As if to prove what a terrible human he is, the next scene is Zak kissing Bria goodbye. Bria says, “I always feel like Zak will be mine if I want him to be mine, but the question is do I want him to be mine?”

God, why? Why would you want this piece of trash human?

Cut to Kayla who is, of course, crying. Poor baby angel.

To end out the show, Nutsa (a fav) tells Kayla (another fav) something that I think is a great thing for all of us to remember and keep in our hearts during the long, cold Are You the One off-season: “Listen,” Nutsa says. “Take care of yourself and remember what I fucking taught you. If you say one more bad thing about yourself, I’m going to come to your dreams and haunt you for the rest of your fucking life.”

Love yourselves, bitches. See you next week for the REUNION SHOW.