Episode 3 of Are You The One starts off where we left off, with Bria freaking out and screaming for her mom. This is not good TV. This is stressful.

Also Bria took up so much of last week’s episode(s) that Kenya giving Lewis a BJ totally flew under the radar for me. Yes, that’s how much Bria’s wailing is addling my brain. Please make it stop. Anyway, on with the recap.

Let's talk about Kenya and Lewis. Kenya sees Tevin flirting with Jasmine, so her response to this is to take Lewis into the Boom Boom Room. As the door closes, we hear Lewis shout, "Ooh you hella nasty," which lead me to believe Kenya was offering Lewis oral satisfaction. Way to slut shame a girl who is going down on you, Lewis. 

My assumption is confirmed in this episode when Tevin takes Kenya aside and straight up asks her what she did with Lewis. Kenya's response is this: "Nothing happened. I gave him head."

Yeah... my definition of "nothing" and Kenya's definition of "nothing"? They're v. different.

Moving on to other drama in other parts of the house. Nutsa and Morgan are both going after Zak for some reason. Apparently they're great friends, but actually they're not at all. Nutsa directly asks Morgan if she was hitting on Zak and Morgan acts super offended. Even though we just saw her hitting on Zak and she tells the camera she's straight up lying to Nutsa. Ok girl.

Morgan's all, "You're inferring. Don't infer with me right now." That's a new one. I like it, but also is that the right way to use "infer"? Please let me know your thoughts.

I know I'm just adding to the girl on girl crime by saying this, but we're already in so deep, give me a moment to be extremely bitchy. Morgan's hair looks so bad. I hope she sees herself on TV and uses this information to give herself a hair makeover. Also I cannot deal with Nutsa's voice. No one's voice is that high pitched for real. Okay, I'm done. I am an awful human being. Next time I will use this space to make fun of dudes because EQUALITY.

In other news, why are all these girls so into Zak? Right now he's got four girls after him: Bria, Morgan, Nutsa, an now we can add Samantha into the mix. Why? I just don't see it. Is he cute? Does he have a good personality? 

The Fate Button

Okay, it's official. I hate the Fate Button. When this group of people gathers around for the Fate Button this week, I see that there are a ton of people I still don’t recognize. This means Bria has been on my screen for entirely too much time. Also I haven't been given enough opportunities to meet the fun people in the house that aren't causing drama but still have interesting personalities. The challenges every episode gave viewers more opportunities to get to know the cast. MTV BRING IT BACK PLZ. 

On the date this week are Asia, Nutsa, Cam and Shrimp (I mean Andrew... I'm still calling him Shrimp). This feels pretty random. I don't feel like there's a perfect match in here at all. Mtv is rigging this because they're too cheap to pay out 1 million dollars. It's official. 

The Date

The four randomly selected people get to go on a date in which they get in a Hamster Ball and roll around in the ocean. This looks fun, but it also looks like something that might make me extremely nauseated. Hard to say. Nutsa shouts, "I'M HAMSTER BALLING IN THE SPECIFIC OCEAN!" Yeah...

After the activity, the guys and girls have time to break into couples and chat a bit. Asia basically asks Cam, "Do you think that voting for Donald Trump and being a Trump supporter is going to fuck up your chances in the house?” That's not a direct quote, but that's essentially what she means. Cam says being a Trump supporter doesn't define him, but like, yes it does.

Cam says, "You're writing someone off based solely on their political views." And Asia's like, "Yes. And?"

At the end of their discussion, Asia is like: 

Meanwhile, Nutsa continues to be annoying AF. Andrew asks, “Nutsa, if you saw me on the street would you go for me?”

Nutsa's response: “No definitely not. I’m not attracted to you.” VERBATIM THAT IS WHAT SHE SAID. That's not me doing a bad summary like before. That is a real quote.

Next, Nutsa tells Cam, “You should get to know other people in the house besides just Kayla. Not me though. I’m not feeling you.” Damn girl. Then she says, “Obama did it better.” Girl is on a roll, rejecting dudes left and right. 

Asia seems smart. I like smart girls. She says she likes Andrew, but she doesn’t like shy guys.

Speaking of Asia and Andrew, when they get home, they get sent into the TROOF BOOF. Shocker. They're not a match. This is hardly worth discussing. 

Then Zak and Bria go to the Boom Boom Room together because The Lord is testing me. 

The Match-Up Ceremony

Time for another Match-Up Ceremony. As usual, this one is full of DRAMZ so let's get into it. 

First up is Kenya. She picks Tevin. I know this will come as a surprise to no one, but Jasmine doesn't think they're a perfect match. Kenya says she's been loyal to Tevin (LOL NO). Tevin says he has feelings for both Jasmine and Kenya.

Kayla picks Cam. I still think this is a match. 

Jasmine picks Lewis. Jasmine's outfit is a crime against humanity and my eyeballs. I can't find a picture of it, so you're going to have to either watch the episode or just believe me. Asia is pissed that Jasmine picked Lewis. I guess there's something going on between them? I had no idea. 

Asia picks Brett, officially breaking up my power couple of Brett and Cali and I am pissed. HOW DARE YOU, ASIA. 

Nutsa picks Daniel. She says, "I do like Zak, but I grew up in a home where the men are the dominant type. So I don’t want a wussy boy. I want, like, a man.” More reasons I don't like Nutsa at all. 

Samantha picks Zak. Bria takes this moment to throw a lot of shade at everyone involved. She tells Samantha that Zak says Samantha sounds like she's been smoking cigarettes for 15 years. She also says that Zak called Nutsa ditzy? WHAT! NOT NUTSA! Nutsa says, "I'm a very intelligent girl." OKAY, SPECIFIC OCEAN.

Bria picks Moe and I swear on my life there was no one here named Moe last week. Who is this dude?

Rounding it out: Morgan picks Shrimp (Andrew). Cali picks Tomas. Lauren picks Kwasi. Maria picks Shamoy.

They get three beams again. My predictions: I'm doubling down on Kayla and Cam obviously. I still think they're one of the beams. Might as well go in on Maria and Shamoy again too. The third match is a new one, so I'm going to pick Andrew and Morgan because why not?

Are You Emily's One?

This week, I'm going with Asia Woodley, because as I mentioned earlier, she seems smart and doesn't seemed involved in too much drama as of yet. She also apparently has a thing for Lewis, which means she has taste. So I like her! Let's see more of these other girls and less of Bria from here on out, okay?

That's it for this week's recap. Join me next week for more of this insanity.