This was a bizarro episode of Are You the One? that is unlike any normal episode of the show. They’re throwing the whole formula out the window, so this recap is also going to be all over the place. I just don’t know what to say. You all know I was concerned about the exes not coming back with the loss of challenges, but Mtv of course found a way to work exes into this season anyway. Through the unmatched couples attending “Relationship Rehab.”

Here’s the thing I never get about set-ups like this. How is this any different from just staying in the house? All the same people are there. But it’s like a camp ground now instead of a house with a pool. There’s also a lot of glow-in-the-dark paint in rehab. Don’t get me wrong. The glamping set-up looked fun, but… like, why is this rehab?

But let’s start from the top. Following the match-up ceremony, this group is supremely disappointed in their performance and they sit down to have the talk these people normally have much later in the show. They all need to explore their options and open up to more people. They’re all essentially broken up and starting from scratch. Nutsa complains that none of the boys have tried to get to know her on a deeper level. The boys say she’s bougie. They’re not wrong.

Meanwhile, Shamoy and Maria are moving into the honeymoon suite. These guys are supremely good actors because they seem legitimately excited about this very normal-looking house that’s furnished a lot like my grandparents’ house. I guess there’s still a lot of free booze (to be fair, there’s also a lot of free booze at my grandparents’ house). Anyway, these two are making the best out of a clear downgrade in living quarters, probably because 1) free booze, 2) lots of sex, 3) they can get a good night’s sleep because Bria’s not screaming about Zak somewhere nearby. So yeah, I guess this place is pretty nice. My bad.

The rest of the team is headed off to “Rehab” and some guy named Moe is apparently a part of this cast. Moe says Terrence knew exactly what they needed, and this is why they’re all going on this retreat together. Um, does he not know how hosting a show works? That’s like believing that Chris Harrison plans the dates on The Bachelor or even writes the date cards. No. Just no. That’s not how this works.

Terrence tells everyone that there will be no date and no Truth Booth this week. Instead, there will be a lot of drinking and we’ll throw a bunch of exes into the mix as well, so you know, drama.

Kenya immediately is like, “I’m not going to switch up,” which was not the plan, Kenya. We know you’re into Tevin, but WHAT IF YOU’RE NOT ONE OF THOSE BEAMS? Hold on to this thought, because dramatic irony is coming.

Here come the exes. Of course, Zak’s ex Emily is first. Zak gets very weepy about it. After Bria peeps her and decides Emily is not nearly as attractive as she is, girl is not threatened at all. She laughs about it a lot and offers to make Emily a drink. Is this a moment of growth for Bria? I’m going to say no. Hold this thought as well.

More exes coming. Samantha’s ex Tyler shows up and is a total douche. Daniel tries to talk to him and in a total power move, Tyler pretends to not remember his name, repeatedly calling him “David” throughout the episode. Tyler is acting all smug that his connection to Samantha is more than what Daniel could even hope for. Samantha calls Tyler her “own personal brand of heroin,” which is apparently a Twilight quote. And then Tyler finds out Samantha has kissed someone… on a dating show…

This was Tyler’s reaction to finding out his ex kissed someone on a dating show. I’m just going to leave this here in all its hilarious glory.

And let’s move on to more exes. Kenya’s ex Daryl shows up looking exactly like Alien from Spring Breakers. Except on more drugs. Tevin says they look alike, but honey no, you have to have better self esteem than that. Please. Kenya clearly is not over Daryl. She says the only thing keeping them apart was distance. Well, now there’s no distance, so now Kenya clearly wants to fuck him.

Tevin is not taking this well. Upon seeing her true boo Daryl, Kenya has dropped Tevin like a bad habit. So much for not switching it up, I guess? She straight up tells Daryl she would leave with him right now if he wanted her too. This just messes with my brain, because what would that do to the perfect match algorithm?

Meanwhile, did you think Tyler was bad? Check out Kayla’s ex Ikaika. I can now see why Kayla would settle for a Donald Trump supporter after dating this dude, because he is T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Apparently, he used to call Kayla ugly, which is just objectively not true. Kayla is gorgeous. He tells her he was just joking, but no sorry, that’s not a joke, that’s emotional abuse.

Apparently Morgan’s ex shows up too, but I’m not paying attention to him because Ikaika is shit talking Kayla to every dude who will listen. I’m sure this is supposed to be a joke too. Then Ikaika throws his drink in Cam’s face. This guy is just 100% a great dude all around.

Let’s check back in on Zak, shall we? Zak decides that now that he’s cleared the air with his ex, he’s ready to get things popping… with Morgan.

Bria is not happy about this. She sees them making out across the camp site and gives them the best death stare she can give them while also being black-out drunk. The old Bria is back. We hope Emily enjoyed her margarita, because drink-making friendly Bria is dead forever.

While all of this is going down, Kenya is in Daryl’s lap and he’s apologizing for all the ways he did her wrong. Of course, Tevin is not happy about this, but I’ll tell you there is one girl who is suuuper excited about Kenya and Tevin’s love story ending…

No, this is not taken out of context. Yes, this is Jasmine’s actual reaction to realizing she’s free to put the moves on Tevin.

And that’s exactly what happens. She hits up Tevin, they lament the loss of a Boom Boom Room, and then they go have sex in the shower. Shower sex. That’s our cliffhanger. This is where the episode ends.

What a wild ride.

Are You Emily’s One?

So I left this segment off the last recap because that recap was so long and I didn’t think anyone would notice. Y’all noticed. I was so surprised.

Anyway, my pick for last week was Samantha, because I loved how she shot down Zak. She easily saw through Zak, and she had a cute moment with Daniel in the same episode. In this episode, she went down slightly in my estimation because her ex was so terrible and she unironically quoted Twilight. But this week was bonkers and I don’t have anyone else I’d rather pick, so here she is. “Emily’s One” for episodes 4 & 5.

See you next time, AYTO fans! <3