Take a moment to center yourself. Because it’s about to go down in this recap.

Hello. And welcome to this very late recap of last week’s Are You The One episode. My bad, y’all. I have a life. JK I was taking a lot of naps and spending quality time with my cats, but you know, that sounds like a pretty poppin’ week to me, so back off.

Look, do you want this recap or not? Let’s go.

So “Relationship Rehabs” ends not with a bang but a whimper. I was pretty disappointed because I thought surely this week we would get to see a few more exes before this group headed back to the house. But this was not to be. My sources tell me that there actually were more exes during rehab, but they were edited out. This is such a bummer. Again I shout into the abyss: BRING BACK THE CHALLENGES!

Sigh. Okay. Back to the house with us.

Not sure how Tevin is going to feel all about this since he was just boning Jasmine in the shower. Let’s find out, shall we?

Kwasi, who up until this moment seemed like a pretty cool guy to me, decides it’s time for him to spill all the tea about this Tevin/Jasmine hook-up. Actual words Kwasi said: “I’m a snitch. I’mma tell everybody. Ya feel me?” 

So Kenya is super pissed that Tevin was hooking up with some other girl while she was LITERALLY IN HER EX’S LAP. Also, here’s the other thing… did we forget about how she sucked Lewis’s dick only a few weeks ago just because Tevin was dancing with someone else? Girl. What?

Lewis is so excited for this drama. Like a little puppy, Lewis follows behind Kenya as she looks for Tevin to confront him. Then Lewis tells the camera, “Forget taco night! It’s fight night!” This is literally the best thing that’s ever happened to Lewis since getting his dick sucked a few weeks ago.

Kenya tells Lewis to back off, and Lewis’s response is:

Tevin’s not having any of it. He’s just like, “Can you blame her for being obsessed with me?” STAHP.

So at this point everyone in the house knows that Tevin and Jasmine hooked up. Nutsa takes Jasmine aside to get the dirty details, because y’all, I hate to break it to you, but this is what girls do. We spill all of the details of our sex lives with one another. It’s just girl code. Sorry not sorry.

Anyway, clearly Nutsa has been with some dudes with really small penises, because she asks Jasmine how big it was and then offers up a multiple choice of some very small sized dicks. Dream bigger, Nutsa.

The Fate Button

Today on this random date, we’ve got Kenya and Morgan, which is a great way to start because both of them have been stirring up drama in the house. But then we round it out with Kwasi and Brett… what? They go surfing. It looks fun. I want to learn how to surf.

But the most important thing we get from this date is this bit of conversation:

Kwasi: I see myself as a temple. I have a name for my dick and everything, like, I call my dick Koning. Koning means king. And everybody wants to meet the king.
Morgan: I hate you. 
Kwasi: You can hate me, but I’m telling you the truth. Everybody wants to meet the king. 
Morgan: I feel like you’re so superficial.
Kwasi: It’s just I know what I want. 
Morgan: See, like, I’m not superficial.
Kwasi: Alright.

Kwasi is really losing points with me this week.

Meanwhile, Brett says he really likes Kenya but he doesn’t want to have sex with her so it would suck if they ended up being a match. So of course, guess who gets nominated to go into the Truth Booth?

I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this. They’re not a match. They’re ecstatic about it.

Kenya is crying. “I love Brett so, so, so much, but I’m so relieved we’re not a match.” 

Moving on.

Bria vs. Morgan: The Reckoning

Let’s move on to some drama that has been a long time coming, and the payoff was real.

After the Truth Booth ceremony, Bria snaps her fingers at Morgan and says they need to talk because, “If you poke the bear, the bear’s gonna poke back.”

Her speech to Morgan is worth reading in its entirety, so here you go: “I just wanna let you know that I’m the baddest bitch in this house. The realest female in this house. There’s nothing you can say, nothing you can do in this house or in the Boom Boom Room that will give you a one up on me. There will never be a point in this game or in this house that you will have a one up on me. And I just want you to know that.”

Morgan’s response? “Okay, Bria.” I mean, I guess how else are you going to respond to a rant like that?

The Match Up Ceremony

This week, the girls are picking and Asia has come up with a strategy. They’re gonna mix things up. This is how it all shook out:

Kayla picks Brett. Everyone is shook. Lewis says,  “We might need security to hold Cam back tonight.”

Asia picks Cam. Again, Lewis is shook. He says, “Cam and Asia don’t even look right together.”

Samantha picks Moe — Lewis tells Samantha she looks like a sexy teacher.

Morgan picks Zak. Nutsa picks Andrew. Lauren picks Daniel. Calli picks Tomas. Jasmine picks Tevin. Kenya picks Lewis. Bria picks Kwasi.

The result? ONE BEAM. Oh lawd. Terrence is not happy. He starts cursing and carrying on as if they’re toying with his million dollars. I’m pretty sure he gets paid either way? Calm down.

So I assume the match from this week is… hmm… I kind of hope it’s Tevin and Jasmine just to mess everything up. That would be great.

Are You Emily’s One?

If you thought I was sleeping on all the points in which Moe was finally featured this week, think again. I was saving it for this last segment. Moe is the unsung hero of the Are You the One house, and it’s about time these women recognize.

If you’ve been wondering where Moe has been for the past several episodes, apparently he’s been cooking and cleaning for the entire house. I need that in my life. Some of the other AYTO contestants on Twitter basically said they wouldn’t have eaten if it hadn’t been for Moe cooking them dinner every night.

Nutsa says all Moe does is cook, clean, and sleep. But that’s like #RelationshipGoals right there, Moe, so come over to my apartment. Cook and clean for me. And then go to sleep and leave me alone.

Anyway, this week is a special TWO HOUR episode, so prepare yourself… see you soon.