Oh my word. Last week gave us two hours of Are You the One drama, which is par for the course for plenty of other shows. The Bachelor often overloads us with 3-4 hours in one week. Love Island is basically on, like, all the time. But in Are You the One land, two hours of television in one week is a LOT OF DRAMA. I’m feeling a little motion sick from trying to follow all of it, but I’m putting on a brave face and delivering it all to you in this recap.

We start with some Daniel and Samantha drama. Let’s set the stage.

Nutsa is dared to play “Are you nervous?” with Daniel. If you’re unfamiliar with this game, as I was, apparently it just involves walking your hand up someone’s thigh until they tell you they’re nervous. And if they never get around to telling you they’re nervous, well…

Yeah, you get the idea. Clearly, Daniel seems very pleased with himself. Less pleased, however, is Samantha who thought Daniel was her match.

As you can see, unlike Samantha, Lewis (on the left) is also pretty pleased with this development. He explains, “Ain’t nothing wrong with it. You gotta play the game correct.” Which apparently means letting random girls grab your junk? I don’t know. Is that how we find our perfect matches? Lemme know in the comments.

Samantha tells Daniel, “That’s rude. If you don’t see that, you’re not my match.” As she’s having this conversation, it appears as if she’s making gnocchi? It looks delicious. I want some.

Anyway. Moving on. In other news, the house is convinced that Zak and Morgan are not a match because last week they sat together and the group only got one beam. So the odds of that beam being Zak and Morgan are slim. The actual odds? 28.2% But don’t take my word for it. Ask Are You The One Math. Anyhow, now Bria thinks she and Zak are probably a match and he needs to come crawling back to her. Let’s see how that plays out.

In another part of the house, Nutsa has now moved on from dick grabbing to chasing Brett around the living area. Her flirting is next level mature, for sure. Lewis, ever the Are You the One in-house recapper, says, “Brett, why are you running? Nutsa is cute. She’s smart. What’s wrong with you?”

Meanwhile, meanwhile, Cam and Kayla are chatting and Cam has decided that Kayla might not be his perfect match? His #1 tell that they’re not a perfect match? He likes the ocean, and she doesn’t like the ocean. That’s deep. He also reasserts that loving Donald Trump is a big part of who he is, and he knows Kayla is not into that. Dude. I seriously doubt you’re going to find ANYONE in this house who is into that. You’re lucky you found someone who will even passively tolerate that BS. Count your lucky stars.

Now Cam is flirting with Cali. Apparently he’s impressed with her “free spirituality.”

Kayla flips out. She’s crying in the bathroom. She needs better self-esteem, dangit. She is a lovely sweet girl.

Y’all I told you there was a lot of drama happening this week. We’re not even through the first hour.

Back in the kitchen, Lewis is friend-zoning Asia hard. And I’m not sure why at this point. She’s cute and smart. Is Lewis actually here to find love or is he just here to watch the show like the rest of us?

PHEW! It’s finally time for the date. Everyone celebrates because Zak and Bria are going on the date along with two other losers who are not going to get sent in the Truth Booth. Oh, Daniel and Asia. Yeah, no. We barely even see these two on the date. The whole date becomes the Zak and Bria show. Zak is falling back in love with Bria as if none of the drama ever happened. “Morgan who?” he basically says. Zak says he’s remembering how fun Bria can be. Yeah, sure I’m guessing she IS a lot of fun when there are literally NO OTHER PEOPLE around to steal your attention.

The Truth Booth

Shockeerrrr. Zak and Bria get sent into the Truth Booth. But before that happens, Terrence J asks the couple about their date. Again, everyone forgot two other people also went on this date because who cares? Zak proceeds to talk about how into Bria he is as if Morgan isn’t sitting right there. Real cool, dude. Zak continues to be a winner.

Surprisingly… Zak and Bria are… not a match. Bria looks like she’s about to burn the entire island down.

As they reenter the house, Kwasi shouts, “You guys suck,” because Kwasi is the actual worst and I hate him. Bria gets in his face about it and Kwasi says, “You don’t point your finger in my face. That’s disrespectful to a guy.” No, dude. That’s disrespectful to ANYONE. Your male privilege is showing.

At this point, everyone is attacking everyone else.

For some reason, Asia decides to come after Nutsa for looking at her weird? I really didn’t get this. Did someone spike the tequila with testosterone or what is happening?

Nutsa’s like, “Did I do something that I don’t know? I just want food. I’m starving. I haven’t eaten day.” 

Lewis says that Asia is a bully and he’s not into that. So yes, now I understand why Lewis doesn’t want to go after Asia. I agree. Asia is being a jerk. Leave Nutsa alone. She just wants some cereal.

For some reason, Moe decides this is the time to hit on Asia. I don’t get it.

Now that Zak knows Bria is not his match, he’s trying to get back with Morgan. Morgan is semi-skeptical. When Zak is asked who he will pursue a relationship with outside of the house, he doesn’t have an answer. Oh well. Morgan takes him to the Boom Boom Room and sleeps with him anyway.

The Match-Up Ceremony

Kwasi is wearing sunglasses at night again. I officially HATE him.

Quick rundown of the match-ups:

Tevin picks Kenya.

Tomas picks Cali.

Lewis picks Lauren.

Moe picks Asia - People call them “mom and dad.” ASIA IS STILL BULLYING NUTSA, and Terrence has to play daddy and make them stop fighting. WHY?

Brett picks Nutsa 

Zak picks Morgan

Cam picks Kayla. Kwasi looks bummed out because he’s been vibing with Kayla this week. Of course Kayla is kind of into Kwasi too because she likes douchebags. Cam tells Terrence he also likes Cali, and Kayla says she feels stupid. You’re not stupid, girl! Just stop hanging out with losers!

Kwasi picks Jasmine

Andrew picks Samantha

Daniel picks Bria

They get… 4 Beams. So I still think Kayla and Cam are a match. As are Tevin and Kenya. Maybe Asia and Moe? I’m not sure this week.

Back at the house, Cali and Tomas hit up the Boom Boom Room…

But the results are disappointing for both parties. I’m actually shocked MTV showed this on television. I’m extra shocked I’m sharing a GIF of it. This will now be Tomas’s legacy. I can literally think of no other detail about him aside from the fact that he can’t get it up on television. I must say though I can’t imagine trying to do that when I know there are night vision cameras watching me and that any and all of the footage can be broadcast on television and giffed on the Internet. Like, no way.

Are You Emily’s One?

So I’m a little surprised by my pick this week. I never thought I’d see the day, but it has come. My choice this week is…

Nutsa. Girl might be a little ditzy, but it seems like she’s fun and well-liked in the house. I got really annoyed with Asia at the Match-Up Ceremony when she tried to tell Nutsa that no one liked her. Like, that’s just mean and unnecessary. Also, from what I could see, Nutsa was just trying to ignore the drama and get herself something to eat. I can appreciate that move. Less fighting, more food, I say. You live your truth, Nutsa.

This week we’re back to one hour of programming, thank goodness. I don’t know if my heart could take another week of this much drama.