I just needed to start with this gif because, wow, this was the big bombshell of the night. Not that it was totally a surprise, but dang, the way Lewis laid it all out there for Asia at the end of this episode was HARSH. It’s all anyone is talking about. And by that, I mean, it’s all I’m talking about because I don’t know many other people who watch this show. Where y’all at?

But more on this later. Let’s start at the top. Apparently there was a cliffhanger at the end of last week’s 2 hour episode. So let’s rewind and go over what went down.

As you might recall, Kwasi is a POS (that stand for piece of shit, just to be clear). I was so busy counting all of the ways that Kwasi is the worst that I forgot to mention what he said to Cam at the end of last week’s episode. So Cam was a little irritated that Kwasi has been hitting on his girl Kayla, and Kwasi’s response to this was: “You can nurture her, and I’m gonna bag her.” Real classy.

Kayla, being the tiny baby angel she is, heard this and was just shattered. It was really offensive. Kayla deserves better than these two losers, but again, SHE HAS NO SELF ESTEEM.

Anyway, Kwasi decides he needs to go take a shower because KWASI BEAST has come out and he needs to calm down. Seriously, this guy is the worst.

What else is going on in the house this week? Tomas and Cali are still going strong, despite Tomas’s troubles in the bedroom last week. Tomas tells Cali that even if they’re not a perfect match, he wants to pursue things with her outside of the house. Then they make out everywhere. By the ocean, in the shower, and in front of Brett, who is still really into Cali.

Nutsa is trying to turn Brett’s attention away from Cali on over to her, though. She says she’s attracted to Brett because he has a pointy nose and he looks like a fox. She says, “I have a pointy nose. I look like a fox too.” That is the true basis of a deep connection, probably the exact type of stuff the matchmakers looked for when they were deciding on perfect matches. You must look like the same animal or it’s not a match.

Meanwhile, Moe is still not having any luck with the ladies, because he spends more time cleaning and making tacos than he spends getting to know anyone. He still sounds like my perfect match, but okay. Moe tells Lauren he feels like he’s not connecting to any of the girls here but he’s learning more about what girls want and what they need to feel appreciated. Yes, what I want and what I need is tacos and a clean floor. You get it. Moe is the best.

Time to get into Part 1 of the Asia/Lewis saga. Asia has been feeling Lewis since the first week in the house, but as I’ve pointed out many times, Lewis doesn’t seem interested in her AT ALL. Asia says she doesn’t get Lewis. She tells Samantha, “I think he was definitely surprised to see me walk in this house.” Was he? In what way? What has given you the impression that he had any sort of feelings about you when you walked into the house? Was it when he got a blow job from another girl, or?

Finally, Samantha just straight out asks Asia:

Spoiler: SHE HAS NOT.

So Lewis and Asia play a sexy (not sexy) game of Corn Hole together, and Asia tells Lewis that every time they get one in the hole, they get to ask the other person a question. Or something. The rules were fuzzy. Lewis is like, “Why don’t you just ask me a question if you want to ask me a question?”

So she asks him if he sees her as more than a friend… and he doesn’t really giver her a straight answer. Cool. So ends part 1 of this discussion.

The Fate Button

Fate button time, fam! And there’s a twist this week. Terrence says the fate button will decide which guys go on the date, but then the guys will get to pick whoever they want to bring with them. Cool. The guys are idiots, so there’s no way they’ll mess this up. Let’s go.

The Fate Button picks these geniuses: Moe and Brett. The looks on their faces just tell you they know exactly what to do and they’re going to strategically pick women who will help the house learn more about who is and isn’t a perfect match.

NOT.

Moe freaks out when he realizes he can’t take the mop as his date, so instead he randomly chooses Kayla. Brett has been hanging out with Nutsa, and Nutsa likes him a lot. He had a falling out with Cali weeks ago, and now Cali is all snuggled up with Tomas. So of course Brett picks Cali. Of course.

The house is pissed, but here we are.

On the date, the four contestants take a catamaran out into the middle of the ocean, and Kayla is freaking out. She’s basically like:

There are dolphins in the water and Kayla is losing her shit. Moe says this is exactly why he picked Kayla to go on this date, because she’s the type of person to flip the F out when she sees dolphins.

The Truth Booth

Back to the house! It’s time for the Truth Booth ceremony. Terrence asks the foursome how the date went, and Kayla is hyperventilating talking about the dolphins, she is that fucking excited. Terrence says, “I’m glad you made a connection with the dolphins, but did you make a connection with Moe?”

Kayla’s like, nah, not really.

Lewis lays it out for Terrence thusly: “Moe is just a person that’s just a body in the house.”

EXCUSE U WHO DO U THINK HAS BEEN WASHING YOUR DISHES. That’s right, it was probably Moe. Show some respect.

Anyway, Cali and Brett get sent into the Truth Booth. I’m going to save you some time. They’re not a match.

Cali comes in crying because she “feels so bad for” Brett. Like, why? Because he isn’t your Perfect Match based on some MTV Reality Show? Girl, I think he will survive.

The Match Up Ceremony

Let’s get down to business. It’s time for the Match Up Ceremony. Maria and Shamoy are back looking relaxed as hell. But how do the rest of these people do?

Lauren picks Andrew.

Nutsa picks Brett.

Kayla picks Cam. Kwasi is not pleased. Kwasi says Kayla needs someone cool, tough, and strong, which is what he sees himself as. Okay, dude.

Bria picks Lewis.

Asia picks Kwasi, but then spends the whole time talking about how Lewis is leading her on because they sleep next to each other every night but don’t do anything. Lewis says, “If I was a female, they would understand, but if I was a guy, they think I want to do all that.”

This is a roundabout way to say what he’s trying to say, but I get it. If this was flipped and some dude was complaining that a girl wasn’t putting out even though they were hanging out all the time, we would have problems with that. Asia, this is not okay. Asia says he can’t benefit from her presence without her getting anything in return. That’s some messed up BS.

Cali picks Tomas. Morgan picks Zak. Kenya picks Tevin. Samantha picks Daniel. Jasmine picks Moe.

Tevin thinks they’re going to get a lot of beams, clearly. They get four. My guess is… the beams are… Tevin and Kenya, Kayla and Cam, and hell let’s go with Brett and Nutsa. Maybe there is something to that fox thing.

Lewis and Asia Drama: The Reckoning

And here’s where it really goes down. After the Match Up Ceremony, Asia follows up on what she started going off about during the Match Up Ceremony. She just wants Lewis to once and for all tell her how he really feels. It does not go down the way she wants it to.

Lewis is upset because he’s been made into a bad guy just because he doesn’t want to sleep with Asia. He tells her, “On a romantic level, we’re not there. But communicating and talking, we’re not there. I don’t know what other way to say this, without saying that you’re not attractive to me.”

Surprisingly, she doesn’t take this well.

Lewis doubles down. He continues: “You’re not my type. That’s why it’s easy for me to sleep next to you. Because I’m not physically attracted to you. If I don’t naturally feel attracted to you, you could act sexier and then you might seem sexy for me.”

Asia is like, “Then you’re not my match. Go get a mental connection with someone else.”

He’s like, “Cool.” 

That went so well, y’all. Dang.

I mean, don’t ask, Asia, if you’re not ready to hear the real answer.

Are You Emily’s One?

I don’t really have a new pick this week. I’m still really into Moe, and I feel like these girls are missing out on a real treasure. Let’s see if anything happens in the upcoming weeks to change my mind, but IDK. I’m all in on Moe.

Second place goes to the dolphins for getting the best reactions out of Kayla. Plus, she needed some sunshine and joy in her life after dealing with two of the biggest douchebags in the house. Just saying.

Okay! See you next time, everyone <3