It’s baaaaack!

After waiting two weeks to find out of we can keep shipping Jax or if our Max and Justin ship has been sunk, this week we got our answer. And I’m not going to wait any longer to let you know the answer. Max and Justin are officially not a match, which means Paige and Jenna and Danny and Kai are a match.

Let’s take a minute to let this sink in while Max melts into a pool of tears and crushed dreams. We now know five of the eight matches: Brandon and Aasha, Jonathan and Basit, Jasmine and Nour, Danny and Kai, and Paige and Jenna.

After the match up ceremony, everyone returns to the house to mourn the loss of Jax. RIP.

Max is seriously heartbroken. He says, “I’m devastated. I hope everyone’s happy with their answers, but I’m not… fuck your answers. This is the most real thing I’ve ever felt in my life… and the fact that it’s getting ripped from under me for I don’t know why, it’s not right.”

Danny is also devastated, probably because that means he’s stuck with Kai now. Just kidding; Danny is a sweet baby. He’s just sad that Justin and Max can’t be together because he knows how much they wanted it. He says it’s hard to be happy to find out his match when his match is a POS like Kai. Just kidding again. He’s just having a hard time enjoying his match because he’s sad for Max and Justin. But also Kai sucks. Personal opinion.

Anyway, Danny’s going to make it work somehow. He tells Kai, “I guess we gotta do some making out later. We’ll see I guess.” I like that kind of enthusiasm.

Max and Justin sit down to talk. Max tells Justin he’s not putting himself into anyone else but he understand if Justin has to do it. The middle school child in me is giggling about the fact that Justin chose the phrase “put myself into.” So sue me. Justin tells Max they have to cut it off: “This sucks but I came here to find my perfect match.” Max says he hasn’t even dealt with the fact that they’re not going to be sleeping next to each other tonight, so he doesn’t want to think about someone else.

Meanwhile, other people in the house are exploring new connections. Now that Jenna and Paige know they’re a match, they feel like it makes a lot of sense. Both of them have been there to support one another at every turn. We get a quick flashback of Paige crying about Remy. Jenna was there to console her. Then we see Jenna crying about Kai. Paige was there to make sure Jenna didn’t walk in on Kai having sex with Jasmine. True love connection here.

The six people left in the house without confirmed matches are trying desperately to figure out which combination of three couples is the right one. Kylie thinks her match has got to be Amber or Remy. Kari is going after Justin. Max just wants to leave. Meanwhile, Amber is secretly excited Justin is single but ends up consoling Max instead. Y’all. They’re so close, but I just don’t know if they’re going to get this.

Let’s move on to the challenge, which is called “Perfectly Aligned.” Couples have to answer questions with the same answer in order to be “perfectly aligned.” The questions are things like: When it comes to exes making contact, you and bae have a clear policy. What is it? You’re feeling frisky, but your partner is not in the mood. What do you do? You’re having a romantic dinner out but the food comes and it’s cold — what do you do? Etc.

The actual playing of the game is not that interesting, so let’s get to the winners. It’s Danny and Kai, Max and Amber, and Justin and Kari. They’re all going on a romantic spa getaway date.

If there’s any awkwardness on this date between Justin and Max, we really don’t see it. We just see the matches interacting briefly. Justin says he feels like he’s walking on eggshells in the house, and he likes how blunt Kari is. Kari is like, “OMG Justin, you’re so hot.” Probably. That’s probably what she was saying in her head.

Amber thinks she and Max could be a match, but she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her time in the honeymoon suite with someone who is not all in.

Kai ask Danny if he thinks the matchmakers were right. Danny said he was so confident in Max and Justin and he was worried about what it would mean if he and Kai were a match. Clearly Danny is just as much of a Jax shipper as I am, which probably means we should get married. I’m not saying. I’m just saying.

Let’s go back home. The rest of the house has voted Amber and Max into the Truth Booth. Max really hopes they’re a match so they can just GTFO and he doesn’t have to watch Justin flirting with any other girls. Amber is really hoping they’re not a match so she can fuck Justin. I mean, so she doesn’t have to go into the Honeymoon Suite with someone who’s not really into her.

They’re not a match. Max is hardcore pouting about it. He’s like, “What am I supposed to do? What do you want from me?” He’s done.

Other people in the house, though, are just getting started. And what I mean by that is Danny and Kai are in the Boom Boom Room.

Danny seems very happy about this. Finally, something to distract him from his sunken Jax ship.

Speaking of getting frisky, Kylie also says she’s feeling “frisky,” and by that apparently she means she feels like making Amber’s bed because Amber hasn’t made it the entire time she’s been here. No, for real though. Kylie makes Amber’s bed and spells out their initials with chocolates. It’s very cute and Amber is moved. Finally, someone is interested in Amber and only Amber. I guess she already forgot about Nour?

Justin’s lurking in the shadows being secretly jealous because clearly he wants to bang Amber.

Elsewhere, Max takes Kari aside and tells him that, frankly, he doesn’t think she and Justin could be a match because Justin will not be the type of guy she’s looking for. Kari says, “Loyalty is my number one thing.” And this is it. This is when Max has his epiphany moment. “Kari,” he says. “It’s you.  I’m having a come to Jesus moment. It’s you.”

I want to take a moment to note that Justin is making cupcakes while this goes down. I don’t know why he’s making cupcakes, but he is making cupcakes.

Max tells Justin, “I didn’t like Kari at all. And then we talked.” That’s really something I’d love to hear my potential match say about me, you know?

Jenna’s not sold on Max’s sudden epiphany, however. She’s pretty sure Max just wants to be a match with Kari to mess up Justin’s chances with Kari.

But let’s just see how this Match Up Ceremony shakes out. It’s the 9th Match Up Ceremony! They only have one more chance after this! Here’s how it goes:

Paige picks Jenna.

Amber picks Kylie.

Nour and Jasmine sit together, of course.

Danny and Kai are next. As you can see, they’re wearing a weird outfit combo that Terrence comments on. Danny explains, “Tonight our theme is ‘Take Your Son to Work Day.’” It’s a choice.

Next up is Max, who picks Kari.

That leaves Justin and Remy to sit together, since Basit and Jonathan are also a match.

So of these couples, they know that five of them are a match. So they’re really looking to see how many beams they get aside from those five. And they get… six beams. It’s really the worse possible outcome they could have gotten, as Kari points out. They could have gotten five beams, which would confirm none of the “stragglers” sitting together were perfect matches. Or they could have gotten eight beams, which would of course mean an instant win. But instead, they went through door number 3: six beams, giving them the least amount of information posssible.

So since I know you want to hear what I think, I think Max fucked it up for them. If he had picked Remy, then Justin would have picked Kari. I’m fairly certain that Max and Kari are a match, so if he had picked Remy, then they would have gotten no additional beams and they would know Amber/Kylie, Remy/Justin, and Max/Kari aren’t it. I’m thinking Max and Kari are that additional beam, but because Amber and Kylie are feeling a connection, they’re probably going to assume they’re the beam. As it is, they don’t really know much of anything, and there are still a lot of possibilities going into the last match up ceremony next week.

My bets are on the final matches being Justin/Amber, Kylie/Remy, and Max/Kari. But I guess we’ll find out for sure next week! Can’t wait.

By the way, I know I haven’t done and “Are You Emily’s One?” in a while because we all know my #1 is Danny. But I also just want Remy to be happy at this point. So can we all just take a moment to hope for the best for Remy? Moment of silence.

Thank you. Goodbye.