Lots to cover on this week of Bachelor in Paradise, so let’s hop right to it.

Susan: Leave it BiP to bring us back right in the middle of a fight we all forgot was happening. It’s Jordan vs. Christian and his piñata, and it’s not going well. 

Emily: It’s clear Jordan’s feeling a little “YOLO” as he doesn’t have any romantic attachments at this point, and Jordan is trying to recreate the iconic throwing the stuffed animal into the ocean moment from last year. But shit gets real real fast, and Jordan body slams Christian off of a platform and into the sand? Yikes. 

Susan: Jordan saunters off after, and it takes like six security people to restrain Christian who has actual murder in his eyes. Nicole says this is the last thing she wanted to happen, but like five minutes ago she was talking about how she wants someone to be aggressive. Aggression is less cool in practice, and I think she sees that now.

Emily: Wills, the voice of reason on this show, is like, “Jordan, you’re an idiot bro.” Mike says, “If someone does that, you just need to be G about it.” Jordan is not at all a G. Meanwhile this piñata is just sitting on the ground NOT busted up and I’m like okay but what is in this piñata, my dudes? The world may never know.

Susan: Chris of course says there is a zero tolerance policy on physical violence, so they’ll both have to go home. Neither is surprised.

Emily: It should be noted that Christian makes sure that Jordan is being sent home to. The subtext here is clear. Christian knows Jordan is a fan favorite, and he wants to make sure the BiP royalty (or the mayor, if you will) isn’t getting special treatment. 

Susan: Nicole is all in for Clay now because this made her realize it was always him. (Or because the dude she clearly wanted to bang more just got sent home.)

Emily: Nicole says, “Deep down I always knew it was you… and then when things escalated like that, I definitely knew it was you.” It’s like she just discovered what toxic masculinity means before our very eyes. 

Susan: Meanwhile, we’re still at the cocktail party, which is something I completely forgot was happening this whole time. Onyeka is starting to get sad that she hasn’t made any connections. Cam, in his signature tactlessness, tells her that Mike said she wasn’t his type. Ok, maybe she didn’t need to hear that. He basically tells her he wants a friendship rose so he can stick around.

Emily: Poor Onyeka is understandably saddened. Onyeka feels like there’s no reason for her to be here because she doesn’t have a romantic connection with anyone. She says, “I wish someone would make me feel that special… I wish I could throw my rose in the ocean.” Sigh. Cam is the actual worst. I can’t believe he dropped this “truth bomb” on Onyeka and then tried to act like this made them allies. His purpose here was clear and twofold: 1) Bringing up Mike not being interested in her romantically ensures that Onyeka will not be giving her rose to Mike, Cam’s sworn enemy. 2) He thought somehow this bit of news would ingratiate him to her? Real dumb, Cam. Also, if you count Mike as an enemy, you’re bad people. 

Susan: Another thing that’s still happening: Dylan-Hannah-Blake. Dylan makes Hannah a “picnic” of gummy worms and cheese and crackers. He does what he can with limited resources. 

Emily: Does he though? I’m pretty sure BiP has a full restaurant somewhere. They definitely have pizza and tacos. Maybe if Dylan had brought out a more substantial meal, Hannah would be less confused. But as it stands, she still doesn’t know who to choose. She explains, “My mom always told me to take my vitamins, and right now I’m taking a multi-vitamin. Tonight, I need to decide if I need to take more vitamin D or vitamin B.” I hated this. 

Dylan says it’s hard to want someone so badly and for it to not fully be reciprocated, but he’s going to keep doubling down and keep fighting for her. He says “I will never not choose you. I will choose you over anyone else any time. And I will be here while you figure this out.”

So of course Blake takes Hannah aside and says, “I want to remind you why you have a little bit of a crush on me.” Please note the wording here. “Why YOU have a crush on ME.” Then a mariachi band comes in. Blake truly has a limited array of moves. They dance again in plain sight of everyone and it’s painful. Mike’s like, “Don’t do my boy Dylan like this.”

Susan: Dylan cries, and I’m honestly surprised it took him this long to break down. I’m ready to watch literally any other people besides these three.

Finally, it’s time for the second rose ceremony. Guys, it’s only the second one. Lord help us. Onyeka asks Chris if she can say something, and she tells the group she hasn’t made any connections and has been unhappy in Paradise, and she can’t give out her rose. Cam obviously knows his time us up. 

Emily: After Onyeka leaves, we get the obvious choices out of the way first. Demi picks Derek. Katie picks Chris. Nicole picks Clay. Cailynn picks Dean. Tayshia picks JPJ, her “Romeo.” Sydney’s up next, and Kevin’s says if he were Sydney, he would give his rose to him so that he can pursue his connection with Sydney more. Or his connection with Kristina. Or Cailynn. Boy. 

Susan: Sydney gives her rose to Mike, and we are just not seeing enough of him this season. Finally, it’s Hannah’s turn. She gives her rose to...drumroll please...Dylan! Happy music plays! Everyone is smiling! People want Blake to leave! All is swell! Right?

Emily: No, because Kristina has decided her M.O. this season is complete fuckery. Kristina gives her rose to Blake and everyone is like WTF, including me. Kristina tries to explain that this is all a part of her revenge plan, but honestly her revenge plan is starting to seem fake. What if… Kristina just still has feelings for Blake? I don’t know, honestly, and I don’t care, because I’m too busy MOURNING THE LOSS OF WILLS. I cannot even deal with this. Wills is such a GEM. I will never not be mad about this.

Susan: Cam, Kevin and Wills are leaving. We’ll miss Wills. The next day, Hot-But-Boring Caitlin from Colton’s season shows up and everyone except Blake is coupled. 

Emily: Caelynn is friggin’ stressed that Caitlin is going to steal Dean and take him on the date, but like… why would anyone do that? You can have him, sis. 

Susan: She picks Blake for her date, but it’s not surprising because she’s already met him at -- you fucking guessed it -- Stagecoach. This festival is getting more publicity than Neil Lane this season. Oh, but he didn’t bang Caitlin because he probably ran out of time.

Emily: They do go on a “sexy” tantric yoga date, though, which was very reminiscent of a date Chris Soules had with Carly Waddell back on his season of The Bachelor. And just as awkward. Yes, hello, I am your Bachelor historian for the evening. Blake says at this point, he’s forgiven himself for all the terrible things he’s done to the women on this show. Which I guess is good for him? While Blake’s on the date, Dean’s like, “Blake has out-Deaned Dean, which I appreciate, I guess. So thank you, Blake.” I have to say I do love this new self-aware Dean.

Susan: Dylan gets a date card and smiles so hard I think his cheeks will split open. He and Hannah got to dinner in a...shallow pool of water? It’s pretty cool to be honest. He says the last two weeks have been the hardest thing he’s ever been through, and I realize that Dylan has had a very easy life. Oh, but then he tells Hannah about when his dad was diagnosed with cancer, which seems like it would be harder than trying to date Hannah at the same time Blake is, but who am I to say?

Emily: Surprising no one, Dylan tells Hannah that he’s falling in love with her. In response, Hannah takes a long pause before saying, “I’m all in.” Then people dressed like Aztec warriors run in and dance around them. Dylan says he’s going to keep fighting for Hannah just like an Aztec warrior. Because what would this show be without the bad metaphors?

Susan: Meanwhile, back at palapa city, we finally get to see some other couples. Katie and Chris seem to really like each other. JPJ pulls Tayshia aside, and I am so here for this weirdness they’re bringing. He says he hasn’t seen her all day, and she’s like, “I was at the pool.” 

JPJ: “Well I ate a bunch of tacos and wanted to take a nap.”

Tayshia: “It’s not my fault you take 12 naps a day!”

They’re kissing throughout this convo, and it’s pretty adorable. More of this, less Blake.

Emily: Hard agree. I stan JPJayshia. JPJ says he’s so goofy people often get the wrong perception of him. He says he’s not just some nervous kid who wets his pants every time he’s around a super beautiful woman. He also says he’s starting to fall in love with Tayshia. He says if she were his wife he would be the luckiest man in the world, and calls her “Tayshia Paul Jones.”

Susan: Demi is feeling more and more conflicted about Derek, and Hannah Beast shows up to talk to her. This, folks, is the first sign that Demi’s entire storyline was planned by production in advance. Demi tells Hannah she really misses Kristian but also cares about Derek.

Emily: Sigh. I just don’t feel comfortable for how all of this shakes out for Derek. I know ABC is trying to have a progressive moment here, but why does it have to be at Derek’s expense? And this feels like way too little too late. I mean, have you SEEN Are You the One? Get on their level. Anyway, Demi tells Derek that she can’t stop thinking about the girl she left back home. She comes clean and tells Derek she downplayed their relationship, and it was much more serious than she was letting on. In an ITM, she says, “One of them deserves to have all of me, and I’m scared that I’m not gonna make the right choice.” 

Susan: Aaaaand just like that: it’s Night 2 of “Week” 3. Demi tells Chris about the whole situation, and he’s of course super supportive and also pretends like they don’t already have a master plan to bring Kristian to Paradise.

Emily: Yes, at this point, it’s very clear what happened here. ABC really wanted Demi to come to Paradise. She told them she had a serious girlfriend. They said they would make it work. All efforts to make it seem like this isn’t what happened are insulting. I have a lot of feelings about this. Most of them are: “How dare you?”

Susan: Kristina is talking to Blake and Caitlin is immediately like “she’s awful.” Caitlin and Caelynn start gossiping about Kristina, and Caitlin calls her “atrocious” and a “fucking bitch” right before walking over to Kristina, completely changing her voice and saying, ‘Hey, girly! Can we talk?” Bitch, please.

Emily: I also have a lot of feelings about this. Obviously, I’m already coming into this with strong attachments to Kristina. But that aside, don’t ever let a girl step to you and call you “girly” because that shit is patronizing as hell and will never end in y’all being BFFs, no matter what she SAYS she trying to do. As soon as Caitlin, said this, I was all, “OH HELL NO.” 

Caitlin tells Kristina, “If you were truly a friend of Blake’s, you would be pushing him to explore relationships with other people.” To be fair, I am very confused about what Kristina is trying to do here. Just last night, Kristina was talking about how she wants to watch Blake suffer and that’s why she gave him the rose. Now, she’s saying she just wants him to be happy and find love because they’re friends? Either we’re missing a part of the narrative here, or Kristina has gone crazy. OR, she’s in love with Blake, which would also mean she’s crazy.

But with all that being said, none of Kristina’s intentions or behaviors excuse the way that Caitlin talks to her, and I definitely understand why Kristina gets defensive here. 

Susan: When Caitlin gets up, she’s like “You should respect women.” LOL, OK.

Emily: Right, like, is Caitlin being super respectful right now? I feel like Caelynn and Caitlin both have weird views of feminism that include calling other women “bitches,” and I’m just not down for that. 

Shall we move on to the next day? In which Katie has an unfortunate conversation with Chris that she will regret later? Of course we shall. Katie tells Chris that if he wants to go on a date with other girls, he should do it. Chris is surprised by this and takes it to mean Katie isn’t serious about him. Immediately after saying it, Katie regrets it, but she feels like the damage has already been done… and then...

Susan: Beautiful goddess Jen arrives, and Caelynn says, “I know Jen from recent times because when Blake was ghosting me, he was hanging out with her.” JESUS, Blake. Get it together.

Emily: Fucking yikes. Once again, Caelynn worries that Jen is going to take Dean out on a date. In fact, she’s convinced that’s what’s going to happen. But of course, Dean says no. He still uses this opportunity to fuck with Caelynn and TELL her he’s going on the date though. Is it just me, or is Dean starting to become likeable? Like, I love playing on people’s insecurities for the sake of humor. Good on you, Dean. 

Susan: Chris tells Jen he’s had something with Katie, but now he thinks they are on different pages. Jen asks Chris on the date, and he tells Katie that he’s going but that he really likes her and wants to go on a date with her. He hopes this date will give him “clarity,” which is the new “amazing” on the last couple of seasons.

Emily: I didn’t take many notes on this date because it was pretty boring. They go on a boat and Chris gets seasick. There is a lot of vomiting, and Jen sits around looking uncomfortable. It’s not a great time for anyone. 

Susan: Once they’re back at the resort, Chris “makes it up to” Jen by continuing the date. They make out in the hot tub, but Chris’s body language is saying, “Nah, not really.” Katie tells Chris she really likes him, and he says he is still feeling some doubt.

Emily: Katie says she knows Chris likes her but she’s not sure Chris knows how much she likes him. There is a tragic lack of communication going on on her part. I’m hoping she wises up soon. 

Meanwhile, Derek is sad. Everyone is coupled up. He likes Demi and feels they have a strong connection. However, Chris Harrison is here with a BOMBSHELL that was TOTALLY NOT PLANNED. He says he wants to put Demi in the best position to find love on the show, so with that in mind, Kristian is here. 

Susan: So it’s immediately obvious that this is not a person Demi was “casually” dating. Their reunion is so emotional and affectionate that there’s no doubt in my mind they were in a legit relationship. When Demi and Kristian sit down, she tells Kristian that she gave a lot of herself to Derek emotionally and physically, which I’m assuming means they’ve had sex. Kristian looks really hurt. 

Emily: Kristian says that she didn’t come to this show to be an option for Demi. Either it’s her, or it’s not. She doesn’t want to see Demi dating other people.

Susan: Demi says, “The second that I saw you, I knew it was you, and it’s always been you. I want to be with you.” 

Emily: So then Demi goes to tell Derek that she’s made a decision and wants to be with Kristian. Derek’s is confused and asks, “what was it that changed?” And this is the part that really broke my heart: Derek says, “if this is what makes you happy, you’re making the right decision.” So to rub salt into an already aching wound, Demi lets Derek know that she and Kristian will be staying in Paradise together to explore their relationship. She then takes Derek to meet Kristian. Derek tells Kristian, “there’s no animosity between us. It’s just hard.” Derek is being such an angel here and saying all the right things. He says in an ITM: “I don’t think it made me feel any better to meet Kristian, but I wanted to do it because I thought it would help Demi.” Kill me. 

Susan: I have mixed feelings about all of this, and I’m going to stay that way through the rest of the episode. My first thought after this breakup is that it’s pretty messed up to come into Paradise with what appears to be a serious relationship happening at home, and then call that relationship “casual” to the person you’re now also dating. I just felt icky about this.

Emily: I did too. I’m glad that they’re wanting to include queer representation on the show, but this is not the way to do it. I doubt that Demi went into this wanting to hurt anyone, but she allowed Derek to think she was seriously considering him as a partner when it’s pretty clear she wasn’t. I don’t think that’s fair to Derek at all. She made him a part of her narrative rather than allowing him the space to have a narrative of his own.

Susan: After the three of them sit down together, Demi brings Kristian to the whole group and introduces her and tells them Kristian is going to stay in Paradise. People actually cheer and Derek is sitting right the fuck there, y’all. 

Look. I think it’s awesome this show is finally treating a queer relationship with equal weight and importance as a heteo relationship. But this particular situation is uncomfortable because it seems like Derek and Kristian people were really put through a lot of emotional turmoil for us to arrive at this point. 

Props to Derek for how he handled all of this. He’s really sad, but he still manages to treat Demi with a lot of care and respect, and he’s very kind to Kristian as well. If Mike isn’t the Bachelor, Derek is the only other person I’d be ok with. Imagine: a Bachelor with emotional maturity and communication skills! (But I’m still Team Mike first and foremost.)

Emily: 100% agree. I’ve always been a fan of Derek’s, but this bumped him up to a potential Bachelor contender for me for sure. After Mike, but still in the running.

Susan: I’m not saying I’m a stickler for the “rules” of this show, but this whole thing feels kind of unfair? Like, it’s very established that Demi and Kristian are only going to date each other for the remainder of this. Demi gets to have her own version of the show while everyone else does regular BiP.

Emily: I agree. If they wanted to have the relationship featured on the show, fine, but keeping them on the show just feels like Demi’s getting special treatment. And, yeah, we liked Demi and all on Colton’s season, but I think the show is overestimating how much their audience likes Demi. We’re still here to watch BiP, not Demi and her girlfriend in P. 

Susan: On their date, Kristian tells Demi how this whole thing affected her. “It made me feel like you doubted us and had to test that, and I didn't have to test that. I could never go through something like this again, and it’s really not fair to me.” Uh, yeah, you’re right, dude. 

Demi says she wants to commit to Kristian, and Kristian says “I love you” and Demi says it back, and this CLEARLY WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME THEY’D SAID THIS.

Emily: Yeah, I got nothing. I’m not here for this at all. Let’s just cut to superlatives. 

Best Outfit: Demi’s red jumpsuit

Most Shipped Couple: Tayshia Paul Jones

Most Improved: Chris Bukowski

Best at Trolling Caelynn: Dean

Newest Bachelor Contender: Derek

What will happen next week? Will Derek recover and find love? Will Mike finally be announced as THE BACHELOR? Will Dylan cut off a lock of Hannah’s hair and sniff it periodically? Come back next week to find out!