Susan: It’s finally over, y’all. But it did take three hours to wrap it up because this is #BachelorNation’s world and we’re all just living in it.

Emily: I hate everything. Why are we here? Why are we doing this? FML. 

Susan: Time for fantasy suites! There are four couples remaining: Dylan and Hannah, Demi and Kristian, Chris and Katie, and Clay and Nicole. 

Emily: I really wish they had just found a way to wrap this up last week so that we could just have the reunion special this week. All of this just seems overwrought and overly dramatic for no good reason. I’m unsure of why the pressure to get engaged to someone you’ve known for only three weeks seems so real to these people. All I can think is that their producers must be really good at their jobs, and that the BiP bubble is a very real thing that they’re all experiencing. 

Susan: Katie and Chris are up first, and Katie looks HOT. She says she has no clarity as to where Chris stands. He explains that it takes something like almost losing Katie earlier in the day to let him know that he cares a lot. I don’t like this. When a dude’s only good after a crisis in the relationship, he’s not good. 

Emily: Also let’s look back at Chris from previous seasons. We know he’s not good. I am shocked he found someone and made it this far. Why is he here? Why isn’t it someone hotter like, I don’t know, Derek or Wills or MIKE? 

Susan: Now Chris seems “sure” though and says, “I’m excited to show you that I won’t falter.” Katie says she feels the feeling she was looking for. Then they probably go bang. 

Emily: For Katie’s sake, I hope the sex is good. 

Susan: Next up is Dannah, who are definitely getting engaged and so there is nothing exciting about watching this date. Dylan says he’s “insanely” in love with Hannah and wants to have a family with her. Hannah seems hesitant, but let’s be real; we all know what’s going to happen here.

Emily: Also when is Hannah not hesitant? Hannah’s like, “I think paradise has been great and I’m excited to continue.” Dylan says, “I want to have a family with you.” Hannah says she’s been close to being engaged before. Is she talking about Colton? Because no, that doesn’t count. Hannah says “I want to continue forever with you,” but is also not looking him in the eyes when she says this because Hannah has issues with eye contact. I think being hesitant and avoiding eye contact are just her only personality traits. She hasn’t looked directly into the camera during an ITM once. She’s the shy hesitant girl.

Susan: Demi and Kristian seem to be good again after their talks last week. Demi says she now feels like she is “actually, undeniably” herself. They both say I love you and probably go have really hot sex. 

Emily: As much as I complained earlier in the season about Kristian and Demi being here, I really think these end of the season discussions show how real of a couple they are. Unlike Katie and Chris who seem to just be struggling to make this relationship into something, Kristian and Demi are actually talking through how their relationship will work in the real world.

Susan: Nicole and Clay are living on two different planets. Nicole is all in. Clay starts with, “No matter what happens, I’ll never forget this.” That doesn’t sound great… He says “I have reservations, and I don’t think it would be fair if I didn’t tell you that.” When she asks what the doubts are, he of course has trouble articulating it, but he does say that he isn’t 100% ready for a proposal or moving in together. (We don’t blame you, dude. It’s been 3 weeks.)

Emily: Also Clay keeps talking about how much he would hate to force her to leave her life in Miami to be with him. Um, excuse me? Last I checked, Clay, you don’t have a job. Why can’t he move to Miami? I hate how this show always assumes the woman needs to move to wherever the man is to become a part of his life. Nicole says, “Why were you leading me on to believe we had this fairy tale? Our relationship has been the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever been in.” I feel like Nicole is leading herself on to believe a fairy tale. 

Susan: Nicole stays in the suite alone and Clay wanders off into the night. Cut to all the other couples in a makeout montage while Nicole watches fireworks alone on her balcony. 

Emily: I think I’m supposed to feel bad for Nicole, but I do not. 

Susan: It’s time for the final roses. Finally. Good lord, how long have we been talking about this show? Nicole and Clay are up first. She looks really pretty in her white dress. She tells Clay she knew she loved him from the first time they kissed. Soooo are we all supposed to pretend Christian didn’t exist or…?

Emily: Okay, so. Nicole’s dress is FABULOUS, and I don’t want to take away from that. But. It’s really weird that in this narrative we’re supposed to believe in is the one in which Nicole is this devoted girlfriend and Clay is being wishy-washy with no cause to feel this way. Just a few weeks ago, Nicole was giddily juggling multiple men, and now we’re supposed to be mad that Clay needs to explore the relationship for a little bit longer before he’s all in? Nah, bruh. 

Anyway, Clay tells Nicole he’s not there yet, and he can’t tell her he loves her. He says, “Having those feelings is not easy for me, and it’s scary. I’m starting to fall in love with you, and I’m not ready to move in together and get down on a knee right now. But I want us to take things slow and to leave here together. I want you. I do.”

This is ABSOLUTELY REASONABLE. But Nicole flips the fuck out. She says, “I deserve love so deep the ocean would be jealous.”

Susan: How many times do we think Nicole practiced that ocean line in the mirror?

Emily: Oh, she came to Paradise armed with that line. In the limo, she says, “He fooled me to believe he was falling in love, and he totally wasn’t.” Wow, Clay, you really dodged a bullet with this one. 

Susan: Katie comes out looking hot again, and she seems really happy with how the night went, so I’m guessing the sex was at least passable. Chris says in an ITM that he’s in love with Katie and that he’ll know in the moment if he wants to propose or not. Oh no.

Emily: Yeah, these two are NOT ready to be engaged.

Susan: I actually believe that Chris did not decide until the last second. Because this speech was rambling and shaky, and he seemed like he didn’t know what he was supposed to do next. 

“You make me feel like myself when I didn’t even know what that was sometimes...I can’t imagine a second without you. I see you in my tomorrow, I see you in my forever, and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, so I want to make this the best moment of our life.” He proposes, and Katie says yes.

Emily: Yay?

Susan: Dylan says he is going to ask Hannah to marry him but doesn’t know what she’ll say. Really? Yes you do. The show plays up  some of Hannah’s hesitation about getting engaged so soon, but there’s not really any tension here. As if there is any way we’d ever believe Dylan would pass up a chance to propose. 

Emily: I think I fell asleep. I have no notes for this. 

Susan: Basically, Hannah says she’s ready to make Dylan her priority, but she is worried that their families haven’t met? Or that they haven’t met each other’s parents? I can’t really tell. But Dylan is basically like “Cool I’ll get on a plane right after this and meet them but I gotta propose right now.” He does. She says yes, but he has to remind her that she needs to answer him.

Susan: Demi and Kristian have quickly become the only couple I’m interested in, so I’m just ready for them to get out here. 

Emily: Yes, and even though I was spoiled on this proposal before this season even started, I am honestly happy to get to watch it go down. Which is more than I can say for any of these other assholes. 

Susan: Kristian says, “Demi, you’ve changed my life forever. I’m in love with you and I give you my full heart. And I promise to protect yours, now and forever.” Demi makes me cry after this when she says, “I can here to find myself, but I found myself in you.” She walks to podium like she’s gonna grab the final rose and grabs a ring box and proposes to Kristian!

Emily: Yay! Love is real.  

Susan: I loved that Kristian immediately got down on her knees with Demi. Something about that was so sweet. 

Emily: Yes, I agree. Women supporting women. 

Susan: All the engaged couples hug and scream and drink champagne. Chris B., who still looks shell-shocked, tells us “You should retire when you’re happy.”

Emily: Yikes. 

Susan: Oh you thought it was over? PSYCH we have two more hours! Hahahahahaha joke’s on us. 

Emily: I think I might die. 

Susan: I didn’t even write down who was on stage for this ATFR reunion. 

Emily: Oh, it was like, a lot of people. BUT, of note, I just want to say that Mike revealed that he found out he wasn’t going to be the Bachelor RIGHT BEFORE he came onstage for this, which is just so fucking tacky. ABC did Mike (and all of us) wrong. 

Susan: I saw that! And also it kind of makes sense why he seemed super annoyed with everyone and everything. MIKE, WE ARE ANNOYED TOO!

Emily: SO SO ANNOYED. 

Susan: That said, my first note is “What the fuck is Dean wearing and what is up with his hair?”

Emily: He’s really leaning into that Oompa Loompa comparison the Internet is making. 

Susan: I just need Dean to pick a lewk and be consistent with it. The first ~drama~ to be discussed is Derek vs JPJ. Basically, we just listen to them have the same argument again about whether or not Derek banged anyone from his Instagram DMs. Who cares? 

Emily: Other people on that BiP stage are needlessly getting involved in the Derek/JPJ drama. Cams like, “TELL THE TRUTH DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT SLEEP WITH WOMEN YOU MET ON INSTAGRAM.” Jordan says, “Social media has become like a dating app, and people do reach out to each other. So it’s okay. You don’t have to answer that, Derek. You’re human. Do I think you’re some misogynist asshole? NO DEREK! Great suit, by the way.”

Susan: I didn’t think I’d be glad to see Jordan, but this is the Jordan I enjoy. When Derek says JPJ should apologize to Chris and Krystal, all JPJ can muster is ‘“I think what happened was unfortunate.”

Emily: Haley also has issues with JPJ and the way he treated her. She said she had no idea he had feelings for Tayshia and she was sort of blindsided by that. Yes, the Tay-PJ clips we saw throughout Paradise were quirky and fun, but I think we need to remember that behind that is a man child who is only fun to be around when he’s getting what he wants. The rest of the time, he is at best a brat and at worst a poster child for toxic masculinity. Just saying.

Susan: The next beef on the plate is Jordan vs. Christian. Jordan says he acted in self-defense, which is ridiculous. Mike, who is fully slumped in his chair by this point, is serving major eye rolls. 

Emily: Yes, Mike, forever our Bachelor, says, “It wasn’t self-defense, bro.” Jordan says, “If you continue to talk, we’re going to have a problem.” And that cute fun Jordan from about five minutes ago is gone.

Susan: Demi yells, “Act civilized! This is a tv show!”  Next it’s Tayshia vs. Hannah, which I forgot was even a thing. Tayshia was upset Hannah didn’t tell her that Blake came to Birmingham to “have a conversation” with her. I still don’t care about this. 

Emily: I still have major issues with Hannah saying Tayshia “mean-girled” her. This paints Tayshia as an angry black woman in a way I’m just not comfortable with, and frankly, Tayshia seemed very calm and reasonable the entire time they were talking, so I don’t know where this came from. Tayshia also says she was confused about why Hannah said she “mean girled” her because she was just being honest. Hannah says, “You called me a puppeteer. You don’t really know me.” No one knows you, Hannah. You’re boring AF. For the record, I would also like to say Mean Girl is a movie, not a verb. 

Jordan says the problem is that last year there were no pre-Paradise conversations and no one knew what was going to happen. Cam uses this opportunity to jump in and try to find a high horse. He says he wanted his experience to be a giant blind date and talking before taints the experience. Onyeka says, “Cam you did ask to go to my birthday dinner a week before where all the cast would be there. You were fully willing to meet all those girls. It just didn’t happen… If Caelynn has said to you, ‘let’s meet up,’ you would have been there in a second.” Yas, Onyeka. Yes girl. 

Susan: Jordan says, “Next year for Paradise, maybe just stay off Instagram. Or don’t go to Stagecoach.” Which is a great lead-in for Stagecoachgate 2019 to take center stage. Chris Harrison asks Kristina, “How was Stagecoach this year?” She explains that she and Blake were good friends, they hooked up at Stagecoach, and he didn’t tell her about Caelynn until a month later. It sounds like he also didn’t tell Caelynn about Kristina until right before Paradise began either. The whole time, Blake looks like his head is going to literally explode. 

Once Blake is in the hot seat, Chris Harrison addresses the text messages between Blake and Caelynn that Blake released on his Instagram stories earlier in the season, and things start to spiral. Caelynn is really upset, and Blake says he didn’t know people would “stoop that low” as to slut shame her when he posted the messages. Blake, have you met the Internet?

Dean contradicts Blake here because apparently Blake called Dean before releasing the messages and said that he knew Caelynn would catch a lot of heat for it, but he felt like he had to do it anyway. Yikes.

It seems like no one else in on Blake’s side here. I have mixed feelings about all of this. I can see why he felt backed into a corner and saw the texts as a way off the hook. But I also think he knew exactly how much hate Caelynn was going to get and saw an opportunity to not be the “bad guy.” Emily, what do you think?

Emily: Well, here’s the thing. I absolutely get where Blake is coming from. I think we’ve seen Caelynn do this before in plenty of situations. She likes to be the victim. She did it on the Women Tell All in Colton’s season when she was sobbing about Colton dumping her, even though we all know at this point she was already chatting with Blake. She also did this with Kristina when she said Kristina was “slut-shaming” her, and she called Kristina a bitch. I have made no secret about the fact that I don’t like Caelynn. She seems like an infuriating person to deal with, and I can see how when Blake saw her doing this to him, he felt compelled to show the world the type of person Caelynn truly is. 

Caelynn tells Blake, “you’re pulling specific text messages that make you look good and make me look bad.” She also says, “I’ve never felt so exposed or violated in my entire life. I’m so disgusted that everyone’s seen that shit. That was the lowest of the low.” Again, I get what she’s saying here, and I feel for her. However, Blake has a point when he responds to her by saying, “You talked about mine and Kristina’s sex life on national television.” Why was that okay? It wasn’t.

So long story short, I don’t think either of these people ended up looking great. They probably both need to apologize to each other and for the other people in their lives they have hurt with their self-centered behavior. However, since that’s not going to happen, let’s just move on.

Susan: It’s time for the yearly check-in with BiP married couples. Jade and Tanner (and their daughter), Carly and Evan (and their daughter), and Chris and Krystal are here to talk about life after Paradise and babies. And then the dumbest thing ever happens: We have to watch a gender reveal for Carly and Evan’s baby. Shoot me. This is not the ATFR content I want.

Emily: I give zero fucks about Jade’s birthing story. 

Susan: On to Tayshia in the hot seat. She said she couldn’t stop thinking about JPJ after she left, so she flew to Maryland with a camera crew in tow and surprised him. He asks if she’ll be his girlfriend, and she says yes. He yells “Look at my girlfriend! Isn’t she hot!?!” No one believes this will last more than a few months, right?

Emily: So apparently there’s a feud going on between Reality Steve and Tayshia about this right now. For some reason, Reality Steve has always had it out for Taysha, and to be clear, I think Reality Steve is a dick. But he claims that Tayshia and JPJ are not together and they’re doing all of this for the ‘grams. Tayshia has publicly denied this and called Reality Steve a liar. Who is telling the truth? I guess time will tell. 

Susan: Katie is next in the hot seat, and even though I’ve said it twice this recap, I’m gonna say it again: she looks super hot. Katie says she and Chris are still engaged, but that she is “exhausted.” She puts in a ton of effort every day and loves him so much, but he doesn’t put in as much and her “tank is empty.” She says, “I fell in love with potential that may never come to fruition, but I’m just praying it does.” I have one piece of advice. It is as follows: Get out of this relationship. 

Emily: Yeah, it’s never going to happen. 

Susan: Even when Chris is on stage with her, she says, ‘I’ve never felt so insecure in a relationship.” THIS IS RED FLAG TOWN. Population: Chris Bukowski. This whole conversation on stage and backstage after their hot seat time was legitimately kind of triggering for me. I just kept saying, “Please leave!” to Katie because I’ve seen this play out in my own past relationships. 

Emily: Katie says she thought she was going to watch back and see how love with her he was, but she didn’t see that. This makes me so sad. Katie seems like such a sweet, wonderful person, but she says this relationship has taken her to a “dark place.” It’s only a few months in, honey. It’s not going to get brighter from here. Get out.

Susan: Dylan and Hannah come out to announce that they’re happily “OK!” Hannah is moving to Cali which I assume she would have done anyway because I can tell you that Birmingham isn’t exactly the epicenter of modeling opportunities. I, for one, have never been approached by a major agency here. 

Emily: This was so boring. I can see why they didn’t let these two pieces of whitebread sit in the hot seat for long.

Susan: OK, time for the couple of the hour(s): Demi and Kristian. OKAYYYY KRISTIAN THAT SUIT THO. 

Emily: I love how these two always list out specific things they love about each other. It’s like they actually love each other and appreciate each other as individuals. HOWEVER, Demi thinks she has room to call Kristian’s laugh annoying? Girl. Have you heard your own laugh?

Susan: I love them even more after this. Kristian and Demi stand up, and I can see the proposal coming! Kristian seems so nervous-happy, and I love how sweet Demi is to her by making her laugh and touching her head to Kristian’s. Kristian proposes, and Demi of course says yes! Now they both have rings. :) 

Emily: Why am I crying right now? What is wrong with me?

Susan: So I stopped taking notes and started folding laundry when Peter was announced. That’s the level of excitement Peter inspires. All I can say is, I’m really disappointed in this choice where there was such a clear opportunity to do better. 

Emily: Chris Harrison says, “We’ve never had somebody who lives five minutes from the bachelor mansion.” Honestly, this feels like a slap in the face when we could have been talking about the first black bachelor. Mike was robbed. 

Susan: Will we still watch and recap? Of course. Because we are committed to this “journey.”

Emily: Yes, but like, maybe we’ll check on Mike to see if he’s still dating Demi Lovato as well. Because I’m more committed to Mike. 

Phew. We done. Bye.