Emily: It’s week 2, Bachelor Nation. You should know Mike is going to be here this week, and I just don’t know what to do with myself already. On the one hand, I want people to love Mike and for him to get a lot of screentime. On the other hand, not too much screen time because we all know we here at #BookSquadGoals are Team #MikeForBachelor. 

Susan: Preferably, a woman will treat him badly (but like, gently?) so that he experiences a very teensy tiny heartbreak. Not one that will scar him for long, but one that will serve to make Bachelor Nation even more enamored with him as a potential lead. 

Emily: In the recap of last week, Chris Harrison says that Blake making a move on Hannah was a “SHOCKING TWIST.” Was it though? Now Hannah says she sees potential in both Blake and Dylan. And I’m just like… WAIT WHAT? WHY?

Susan: It’s the start of the third episode and we’re finally going to get a rose ceremony because all sense of time and order has gone out the window.

Emily: Here’s how the rose distribution goes: Derek picks Demi. Clay picks Nicole. We get the obvious ones out of the way first. Wills picks Katie and I SHIP IT… but it will not be long lived. More on that later. Kevin picks Sydney. He says, “would you like to accept this rose?” Clearly Kevin was not paying attention in Bachelor school because THAT IS NOT THE LINE.

Susan: JPJ picks Onyeka. Jane, who made JPJ violently ill, realizes that maybe retching into the sand isn’t romantic after all. Cam picks Caelynn, and Caelynn accepts his rose, mentally pretending he is someone less creepy. Dylan gets to hand out his rose before Blake, so Dylan gives his rose to Hannah.

Emily: When Blake picks Tayshia, Tayshia says, “I’m not a backup plan, and that’s what he thinks I am. So… Blake who?” Good for you, girl. Know your worth. Lastly, Chris picks Kristina, obviously. No one but Annaliese is surprised. Buh bye, Annaliese. 

Susan: In other not-shocking news, Jane is going home. Jane, we hardly knew ye.

Emily: As Bibiana leaves, she’s like, maybe if I would have hooked up with Blake, I would still be here. Meh. Maybe. I know this is an unpopular opinion because Bachelor Nation seems to love her, but I don’t care about Bibiana. 

Susan: Bibi was made for Winter Games, not BiP.

Emily: Blake says he’s here to fight for Hannah, which AGAIN, I guess is why he took her on his date? Oh wait no. That didn’t happen. WTF dude. Anyway, girls have the roses this week and immediately they’re already drunk with power. They’re all sitting in their palapa together cackling. 

Susan:  Drunk with power and also literally drunk. That’s what I’d do if I had a rose to give out. Sit back and have me some beach drinks with my girlz. 

Emily: Blake has decided he’s no longer pursuing any other girls and that all of his attention is going to be focused in on Hannah. BLAKE THAT’S BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WANTS U, my dude. You’ve burned so many bridges.

Susan: Our first new arrival of the week is Jordan, whom I am not very familiar with due to my skipping of Becca’s season and BiP 5. (I know, it’s a crime.) He got engaged last season and it ended badly. This time he’s ready for some real love, and by “real love” I mean shit-stirring and gossip.

Emily: Jordan pulls Hannah aside first, and Dylan seems worried because Dylan is always worried. Jordan comes at Hannah with the negging right away, letting her know that she’s cuter than he thought she would be. He also tells her that if they dated, they would have a Barbie and Ken thing going on. Dream come true, am I right?

Susan: Jordan’s been here for about five minutes and called it “my beach” at least sixteen times. 

Emily: Jordan is NOT OKAY with Blake at this point. He takes Kristina aside to find out what’s going on. Then he gives ABC a bunch of soundbites for them to choose from. Thankfully, they use ALL OF THEM. Examples: “Blake one nighted both of these gals like they were a couple of milk cartons at lunch. You can’t do that buddy.” Also: “Blake’s out here making moves and making love to half the cast out here… he’s putting his spoon in all the pudding! But this is my beach.”

Susan: Jordan, stop trying to make “my beach” happen. It’s not gonna happen. Jordan and Annaliese would get along great because they are both super interested in shit that doesn’t involve them whatsoever.

Emily: Meanwhile everyone else on the beach is speculating about whether or not Hannah will accept a date with Jordan. Everyone seems to believe Dylan would not accept a date with someone else at this point, and they feel bad for him because Hannah, in comparison, seems a little wishy washy. Kristina’s like, “I definitely feel for Dylan. I’ve been Dylan, so I can relate.”

Susan: All the other women are obsessed with the fact that Dylan has “made his intentions known” from the start, and this is why they think Hannah should stick with him. But like, that’s not really a good enough reason? What if she doesn’t like him that much? Does this matter? 

Emily: More soundbites follow from the Mayor of Paradise. Jordan says that as the mayor, he’s got to look out for the community. “I didn’t come to Blake in Paradise Season 1. This is Bachelor in Paradise Season 6.” Jordan decides to take Blake aside to let him know what’s up. Jordan says, “I just came to my beach and got rejected on a date… word of advice? Figure your shit out.” Another soundbite: “There’s a thing as putting your foot in your mouth, and there’s such a thing as being a dumbass. Blake is being a dumbass right now.”

Susan: Blake leaves this conversation with no intent of “figuring his shit out.” 

Emily: Hannah still feels torn between Dylan and Blake, so she asks her good friends Demi and Katie what she should do. And they’re like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT PICK DYLAN YOU DUMB BITCH. 

Susan: I mean, between the two, Dylan is the clear choice. But also, just because Dylan REALLY  likes her isn’t enough of a reason. But Blake being a fuck boy should be enough of a reason.

Emily: Ultimately, Hannah tells Dylan she told Jordan no to the date because she didn’t want to lose time hanging out with him. Dylan smiles and tells her he’s really happy, and I’m not gonna lie I know we’ve been talking about how Dylan has been coming on too strong. But his sheer joy is cute. I don’t know what’s come over me. Maybe it’s because nearly every dude on the beach this season is utter trash.

Susan: Jordan gives us another good soundbite when he’s rejected because there are too many men vying for Hannah: “Have a cup of coffee, look yourself in the mirror and say how are YOU today?”  He has a point. What does Hannah actually want? Has she ever said? Does she have wants?

Susan: Jordan moves on to his backup plan and asks Nicole on a date. Nicole’s mind is blown and she says “I’m going on a date with Jordan Kimball!” using his full name as if she said “I’m going out with Brad Pitt!” I fully do not understand this.

Emily: It seems clear Nicole is just so happy to have the attention at this point that she’s not really concerned with any of these dude’s feelings (especially Clay’s). 

Susan: Nicole and Jordan, an utterly unbelievable couple, go ziplining with Go Pros strapped 5 centimeters from their faces. Then they sit down for some champagne and talk about -- you guessed it -- Blake. 

Emily: A group of girls are having a pow wow just to reiterate that they think Blake sucks. I’m here for it. Tayshia’s pissed that Blake took her on the date and made other people not pursue things with her. She makes it clear that she’s not into him anymore. Then Blake hurts himself and they have to call in a medic to look at his toe. This girls all laugh at him. I’m here for this too. 

Susan: Cam has gone completely delusional by this point and is convinced he’ll be proposing to Caelynn at the end of this. He tells her he was up last night thinking about her and wrote down some of his observations from the last few days. Then he reads them out loud and they are truly horrifying. Like how he licked his lip and tasted Caelynn’s jalapeno margarita and felt so much joy. Oh honey, no no no.

Emily: SUSAN. I am so excited. Do you want to know why?

Susan: Our sweet baby angel is here!

Emily: That’s right. It’s finally time for our Bachelor Mike to enter the beach. He will now be known as Bachelor Mike for the rest of this recap. Bachelor Mike tells Chris Harrison he wasn’t sure about coming on the show (because he should be the Bachelor) but here he is. I’m really looking for the correct Bachelor edit here so get ready for me to analyze everything that happens here on this beach. 

As soon as Bachelor Mike enters, all the girls light up (because he should be the Bachelor). Onyeka says, “Mike’s a snack,” and that Bachelor Mike was the person she was most eager to meet. Kristina says, “all the girls have their eyes on mike, including myself.” Cam is not happy to see Bachelor Mike because Bachelor Mike told Hannah he wasn’t there for the right reasons. To be honest, I totally forgot about this beef because it was so early in the season and Cam ended up being such a non-entity. 

Susan: Just as Caelynn is about to get trapped in a lifelong commitment to Cam, Mike asks her on a date. Normally I’d be less than thrilled with his choice of date here, but I also know there’s no way these two will work out which is good for Bachelor status, so have at it, y’all. Cam slinks back into the cave from whence he came.

Emily: Meanwhile, Nicole and Jordan come back from their date. Clay grabs Nicole and snuggles her. He asks her to compare the dates. She says there was no comparison and kisses him. All seems right with the world. FOR NOW.

Susan: Mike and Caelynn have dinner and a mariachi band pops up to surprise them à la the wedding scene in Love Actually. Back at the beach, Cam is staring into the vast ocean darkness hunched over like the Slenderman.

Emily: My baby Wills decides to make his move on Katie. He tells her he’s shy and he thinks a lot before he acts. I believe him, but also he definitely went in for the makeout with Hannah just last week without thinking about it, so… IDK seems like he doesn’t always think, but okay. Wills says a bunch of sweet stuff to her and Katie says, “I’m going to stop you right there because I don’t want to have a love triangle.” She’s crying and I have no idea what she’s saying. She just says she’s not interested in him? What the hell. Wills is so cute. My ship is sinking before it even got to sail. Then she goes and makes out with Chris. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN?!?!

Susan: This whole thing was truly confusing. I didn’t really even understand what she was saying to him until she explained what happened to someone else. Wills also looked...befumbled. (Yep, bringing back that Beast term!)

Emily: Alright deep breath. Time to break down this Hannah/Dylan/Blake DRAMA. I have a lot of feelings. Blake takes Hannah aside and tells her, “I’m going to fight for you and I’m going to pursue you, but I’m not going to shadow you and be in your pocket.” Obviously he’s throwing major shade at Dylan here. Hannah says her biggest fear is being heartbroken again. Blake tells she’s making excuses because in her gut, she can feel their connection. What kind of fuckboy bullshit is this line?

Susan: I hate when people try to tell someone else how they feel. So I’m already wayyy over Blake. He takes her down to the shore to dance with her. This is clearly very intentional that it’s in full view of everyone else. Tayshia and Kristina say he did this same move on both of them. Blake, come on, man. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt last week, but this isn’t a good look. 

Emily: After much encouragement from the group, Dylan’s going over to talk to her. Blake’s like, “you’ve been shadowing her all day. I feel like you’ve had her all day and I’ve been respectful.” WOW. Dylan responds by saying, “I am focusing completely on Hannah.” Blake says, “So am I.” Dylan says, “But you weren’t.” Truth bombs are being dropped. Hannah’s response? “I don’t know, guys.” I’m sorry. I know I should find a more eloquent way to put this, but HANNAH SUCKS. Even if she wanted to explore her connection with Blake more, there are more respectful ways to handle Dylan than, first of all, making out with Blake in front of him, and then secondly, not even talking to him about it but letting Blake talk to him about it in front of you, essentially allowing Dylan to feel embarrassed in front of everyone. This is not cool. 

Susan: Obviously Hannah did not go have that cup of coffee and look in the mirror like Jordan suggested. She just stands there acting fake-passive, and it all felt pretty shitty. 

Emily: Everyone has been watching while this goes down, and they have OPINIONS, girl. Kristina says, “The fact that Hannah stays with Blake speaks volumes.” Tayshia says, “She’s had her hand in a lot of the drama. She’s a freaking player, just like Blake.” Dylan says this whole exchange made him feel like she hasn’t been honest with him. 

Susan: And that’s because...she hasn’t. We get more footage of Hannah and Blake continuing to makeout in a cabana. I’m over this because I just want to see Mike and Tayshia make out in a completely sexual way. 

Maybe Night 2 will be better? Let’s see. 

Emily: Derek and Demi seem to be the only established couple and everyone loves them together. Which can mean only one thing: it’s about to get messed up. Demi says, “A lot of people think we’re the strongest couple. I have feelings for Derek, but I’m conflicted. And I don’t think Derek even knows that.” Derek says Demi is the kind of person he could fall in love with, but it’s also hot and cold and he doesn’t know if that’s him or Demi. he doesn’t know what’s holding their connection back. Demi says, “I just want to exist and love who I love and it be accepted.”

Susan: The way we know they are a strong couple is that Derek smells her armpits. Ah, love. Demi confesses to Katie that she’s been dating a woman back in LA and feels conflicted because she misses her a lot and is thinking about her a lot, but she also likes Derek. She breaks down and says she’s tired of putting up fronts and being “strong Demi” and being embarrassed of having more layers. Since Demi clearly is someone who uses humor as a shield, this was kind of nice to see. I’m glad we just got to know her more. 

Emily: Kevin’s been quiet for the majority of this season so far, but when he does finally speak, he says what we’ve all been thinking. Kevin’s like, “Blake’s just dipping his toe in every single pool and by that I mean he wants to have sex with everyone.” Kevin points out (rightfully) that Blake’s not even that hot. I LOL’ed. 

This drama with Blake is just never-ending. Dylan’s takes Hannah aside and is like, “I just don’t know why you’re open to other things right now cause we’re doing so well.” Dylan says he feels like he doesn’t know something.

Susan: Hannah says she’s been holding on to the Blake thing because right before Paradise, he texted her and said that to “show her who he is,” he booked a flight to Birmingham. She says they “had a conversation” and they kissed, and then she went home.

Listen. I’m not saying they banged. But I am saying that Blake definitely flew to Birmingham TO BANG. I live in Birmingham. I love Birmingham. But you don’t just fly to Birmingham willy-nilly unless there is confirmed sex waiting to pick you up at our crappy airport.

Emily: Tayshia is pissed that Hannah wasn’t upfront with her about her relationship with Blake before Blake took Tayshia out on a date. She says, “We all defended Hannah going for Dylan and Blake’s the bag guy but really Hannah has the power.” Tayshia takes Hannah aside and tells her, look, I think what you did isn’t cool, and you kind of had a part in ruining my opportunities to explore other relationships when you didn’t tell me about Blake. She says that of all people, Hannah should know better than to let someone be blindsided because both Tayshia and Hannah were blindsided on Colton’s season. In response, Hannah widens her doe eyes says she feels like Tayshia “mean-girled” her. Nah. This is not okay.

Susan: We don’t have much time to sit with this because...DEANIE BABIES is back! (Why? Who asked for this?) When he arrives, Chris Harrison says, ““What am I looking at? What’s going on?” Fair question. He’s got long hair, a mustache, and what Justin pointed out are “a bunch of $40 tattoos.” He lives in a van now and doesn’t have a job. (Read: Completely ready to settle down.)

Emily: While Dean and his mustache are going around talking to everyone, I guess Caelynn overhears Kristina saying something about her, and she seems to flip out out of nowhere. I’m hoping this is an issue with editing, but from a viewer’s standpoint, I really don’t get where Caelynn is coming from. She says Kristina is slut-shaming her and calls Kristina a “stupid bitch.” I’m really fucking tired of Caelynn calling women bitches. She did it to Tayshia on Colton’s season, and now she’s doing it to Kristina. Again, THIS IS NOT OKAY. Also, how is Kristina slut-shaming her? Didn’t Caelynn also go around telling everyone Kristina had sex with Blake the day before she did? I don’t know Susan. I’m really angry about this shit. What are your thoughts?

Susan: I said out loud: “Omg she said that about Tayshia too!” It wasn’t cool then, and it isn’t cool now. And I’m not sure if it’s editing, but from what we can tell, Kristina doesn’t seem to give a shit about Caelynn or her situation.

Anyway, Dean asks Caelynn on a date despite the fact that she’s just randomly crying. Cam continues to brood. Dean has called women ‘little lady” no fewer than four times since he got here, and he does it again on their date.

Emily: Our next arrival is Christian. He left night one on Becca’s season, and I’m reminding you of this because I don’t remember this dude at all. Onyeka is into him though. Apparently Jordan and Christian had some beef on the men tell all, which I also forgot about. But Jordan has not forgotten, and he has some choice soundbites for this guy: “He stood by the meatballs all night and he was the guy with the mustache.” Jordan also criticizes Christian’s shoe choices: “Go buy a pair of espadrilles.” I’m dead. 

Susan: What he actually said was “Go buy a pair of espadrilles, you fucking dick.” Which is even funnier. Jordan made me LOL a few times this episode, as much as I hate to admit it.

Emily: On their date, Christian and Nicole seem to hit it off. Nicole says Christian already feels like her boyfriend. They’re speaking in Spanish to each other and making out a whole bunch. This doesn’t look great for Clay. When they get back from their date, Nicole tells Clay that she liked how assertive Christian was, and she’s hoping Clay can be more assertive with her. I like that Nicole was very open with Clay with what she wants from him. Communication is important in a relationship; however, I feel like this isn’t going to work out exactly how Nicole wanted. 

Susan: Demi sits down with Derek to tell him why she’s been struggling. She tells him about the girl she’s been dating back home and reassures him that she’s still really interested in him. He says they can take it slow and asks her to keep being honest with him. 

Emily: I love how sweet Derek is about Demi basically telling him that she came on this show already having a girlfriend. I feel like if this were a dude telling a girl on this show he had a girlfriend back home, it wouldn’t have gone this well. It does seem like Derek feels threatened by the potential relationship back home, but he’s not upset about it. Why do you think this is?

Susan: I think he might think that Demi will just forget about this other : person the more time she spends with him? Or maybe that’s what he hopes?

Emily: Here are some other relationships that are poppin’ tonight: Bachelor Mike says he’s not trying to be in a love triangle so he’s going to spend time with Sydney. Chris and Katie are making out and I’m like ew why. JPJ is putting together a poem for Tayshia, and no one saw this coming.

Susan: Ok, I actually loved this. It sounds cheesy in theory, but it was really adorable in execution. JPJ memorizes the sonnet Romeo speaks to Juliet when they first meet. He stumbles a little, but overall, it’s so cute. Watching him practice was my favorite thing.

Emily: Tayshia calls JPJ a really hot version of Heath Ledger, and she calls him an intellectual. I did not see this coming. Biggest plot twist of paradise this far. 

Susan: I SHIP IT.

Emily: So here’s the big drama of the night. Christian has set up some weird romantic pinata thing for Nicole, and Clay is not happy about it. 

Susan: Jordan’s like “Tell clay to go punt that pinata.” Wills says, “Don’t do that.” Everyone, try to be more like Wills. 

Emily: Basically, Christian got to hang with Nicole all day and Clay wants some time. Clay says he’s typically not aggressive, but Nicole wants him to be more aggressive, so he’s going to step in.

Susan: Clay approaches to ask if he can steal Nicole for a few minutes but bring her back. Christian says “I'm not gonna let you take her” as if she is a toy two siblings were asked to share for the day. Clay eventually relents, saying that because he doesn’t want to make Nicole uncomfortable, he’ll walk away, but he makes it clear he isn’t doing it for Christian. 

Emily: Clay comes back and tells the group what happened. Jordan’s like, “AW HELL NO,” and Jordan’s going to go wreck the pinata. I’m surprised he’s not throwing it into the ocean like he did with the stuffed animal last season.

Susan: This is the start of the fight we’ve been seeing in the previews all season. They start pushing each other, and it looks like Jordan gets in a good body slam before we get a “To Be Continued” aka ANOTHER WEEK WITHOUT A ROSE CEREMONY AT THE END.

SUPERLATIVES:

• Most Bachelor: Bachelor Mike

• Person Who Plays Victim When She’s Actually The Hugest Pain in My Ass: It’s a tie between Caelynn and Hannah

• Biggest Surprise Hunk: JPJ, baby. 

• Most Likely to Not Know the Difference Between “Assertive” and “Problematically Aggressive”: Nicole