It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Bachelorette season! We’ve all been starved for Bachelor franchise content in 2020, so we might have been too eager to form our annual snap judgments of the contestants based on bios and photos alone. Come along with us on a journey through “interesting” facts about Clare’s 31 men.

(Oh, and if you’ve been keeping up with the show on the internet this year, you know there have been some spoilers that were widely leaked. We mention some of those below. You’ve been spoiler-warned.)

AJ, 28
Software Salesman
Playa del Rey, CA

Susan: We’re off to a good start. First of all, I love seeing that the show is branching out in its religious casting. I also like that he is eager to share his Muslim culture with Clare. This is what we don’t get a lot of on this show (Juan Pablo was from South America, and his season spent zero time introducing his contestants to his culture), and I hope we actually do get to see a lot of the men sharing and celebrating their cultures with Clare. 

Kelli: I agree Susan! I think AJ is a cutie. Software sales is not like… my ideal match’s profession, but maybe it’s Clare’s. I like that he learned to make candles, that’s a useful skill to have on this show. Maybe he can start making all of the candles for the mansion moving forward.

Emily: “Maybe it’s Clare’s.” So we’re going to just pretend spoilers aren’t readily available and we don’t all know who Clare picks? OK. Sure. Then maybe AJ is Clare’s future husband. Sure. This is going to be hard.

Ben, 29
Army Ranger Veteran
Venice, CA

Susan: I was mostly okay until this said “Ben’s favorite indulgence is an ice bath.” Do you know what “indulgence” means, my dude? 

Emily: Ew who wants to date a guy named Ben? JK. Obviously (my husband’s name is Ben). Anyway, Ben seems sweet if maybe a little boring? I have to say I love the idea of love letters, but I hope that doesn’t secretly mean love poems. Because 2020 is rough enough already. I can’t handle another season with a ton of bad poetry.

Kelli: Yeah, he seems nice enough, but I have to wonder what kind of “dance moves” we’re talking about here.

Bennett, 36
Wealth Management Consultant
New York City

Susan: A wealth management consultant who hates golf? I didn’t know such a person existed. Humidity is a deal breaker for him? So he like, what, breaks up with the weather? Major “here for the wrong reasons” vibes from Bennett.

Emily: I want to root for Bennett because he grew up in Atlanta, but like… just look at him.

Kelli: This man is serving Jim-Carrey-As-Villain energy. He looks like he is about to kick me off of his yacht for being too poor.

Blake Monar, 31
Male Grooming Specialist
Phoenix, AZ

Susan: I feel like you’re at an automatic disadvantage if you come in as one of two Blakes with the same last initial. She’s just going to pick the hotter one right away so she doesn’t have to keep calling you out by your full-ass name at rose ceremonies. Love that ABC felt that “likes pancakes” was an interesting enough fact to include here.

Emily: Yeah casting really messed up when they brought on two Blake M’s. No one wants to learn a whole ass name. I also can’t believe the photographer took a picture of Blake with his hair looking like that. Did no one want to help him out?

Kelli: Okay, I was wondering why they kept repeating his full name and I was worried we were in for a John Paul Jones situation. Anyway, yeah, this hair is an immediate no, and the “fun facts” are violently boring.

Blake Moynes, 29
Wildlife Manager
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada

Susan: If we’re just picking which Blake M. to keep, this one can get you out of America, so...choice seems obvious.

Emily: Also Blake Moynes loves the Ninja Turtles as much as the Ninja Turtles love pizza. I also love the Ninja Turtles. And pizza. Now I want pizza. 

Kelli: I am loving the rugged outdoorsman vibe here. There’s something really sexy about wildlife management. Is that just because I’ve been trapped inside for the majority of the past seven months? Who’s to say?

Brandon, 28
Real Estate Agent
Cleveland, OH

Susan: “And no ‘Debbie Downers’ for Brandon! He says that when he's dating someone, he needs to see them happy and enjoying every moment of life…” RED FLAG.

Emily: At least he can admit he wore too much Ed Hardy back in the day. But also he wore Ed Hardy back in the day.

Kelli: “Real Estate Agent” is also a red flag, if we’re being honest. Red flags abound. However, I, too, have a phobia of dancing.

Brendan, 30
Commercial Roofer
Milford, MA

Susan: He seems sweet, but maybe a little boring. I get a bit of a “peaked in high school” vibe here though. 

Emily: He’s a sensitive soul whose friends call him “B-Money.” We’re done here. 

Kelli: He looks like Chad Michael Murray, who also peaked in high school (Tree Hill High School).

Chasen, 31
IT Account Executive
San Diego, CA

Susan: Chasen is a truly terrible name. “Chasen can't wait to get a goldendoodle puppy one day” is the single whitest sentence I’ve ever read. 

Emily: I feel like I’ve said this before because unfortunately this is not our first Chasen. But whenever I hear the name Chasen, I just think their parents couldn’t decide between the name “Chase” and “Jason.” And here we are. Anyway. I also remember the last time we had a competitive swimmer on The Bachelorette. Robby. We’ve been burned before. I don’t care how many pink Speedos you wear to swim to Alcatraz. We’ve been burned before.

Kelli: This man seems automatically untrustworthy to me, partially because of his name and partially because he is one of these people who wants to emulate his parents’ perfect marriage. You’re setting yourself AND your partner up for failure on that one, bud.

Chris, 27
Landscape Design Salesman
Salt Lake City, UT

Susan: Loves to travel and has a genius IQ. This was a shocking bio to read immediately after Chasen a.k.a. “Wolverine.”

Emily: I like Chris already. He wants to travel to 200 countries. He’s smart. He’s got oldest sibling energy, which I recognize and appreciate. As a child, he played coffee shop on his front yard. I’m into it.

Kelli: Personally I can’t relate to wanting 3-4 kids, but good for him. I’m interested to see if he’ll be a person who knows he’s smart and is annoying about it or if he’ll be chill.

Dale, 31
Former Pro Football Wide Receiver
Brandon, SD

Susan: I mean, we all know this is the man Clare allegedly ends up with, so it’s hard to read his bio without that in mind. I like that Dale says he’s looking for an independent woman who wants him but doesn’t need him. My favorite thing in this bio is that as a “super competitive” former pro athlete, his favorite game is Hungry Hungry Hippos. LOL.

Emily: Yeah, looking over this bio, I do keep thinking that he does seem like a good fit for Clare. We know they end up together. This is pretty widely known so I don’t even think this is a spoiler at this point. I’m curious to see how we’re even going to figure out points for this weird ass season. But anyway. 

Kelli: “Dale says one thing he has not mastered yet is patience.” LOL. No though, he’s hot and cool and I get it. Hopefully they’ll still be together by the time this season finishes airing.

Demar, 26
Spin Cycling Instructor
Scottsdale, AZ

Susan: I don’t think I could ever date a spin instructor because I’d feel obligated to actually go to a spin class. His dream job...like if he could have ANY job...is a DJ on the Las Vegas Strip. 

Emily: Yeah, Demar’s “dream job” is being a DJ on the Vegas strip, and he writes poetry for fun. That’s a hell no from me.

Kelli: I agree about the spinning and the dream job. However, I think he’s cute, and we have the same favorite wine, so I don’t hate him.

Eazy, 29
Sports Marketing Agent
Newport Beach, CA

Susan: Even if that is his real name, it’s still better than Chasen. Another former pro athlete, but it sounds like he has turned that into a successful career as an agent. He gives off a warm vibe and I like that he cares about his partner’s career aspirations.

Emily: He has a really great smile. I agree Eazy is a better name than Chasen, but I really need to know the story behind this. Could I see Clare seriously dating a man named Eazy? IDK IDK.

Kelli: I like that he is willing and proud to admit that he’s watched every episode of a terrible television show. Yes, that’s right, I said it: Grey’s Anatomy is terrible. But yeah, he seems fun.

Ed, 36
Health Care Salesman
Miami, FL

Susan: This bio told me almost nothing. He loves all-inclusive resorts? Ok, great? 

Emily: This is a pretty basic bio. Who doesn’t love pretty eyes? I guess it’s kind of interesting that he likes kayaking and paddle boarding. But again, don’t most people?

Kelli: This is another person who has movie villain energy, but maybe it’s just the blazer. When he says he’s interested in a woman who is naturally beautiful without looking fake, I am curious about what that means. Is he one of those people who’s like “I like natural girls” and actually means a woman wearing a fully contoured face but without falsies and lipstick?? Because I can’t with those men.

Garin, 34
Professor of Journalism
North Hollywood, CA

Susan: Listen, anyone fighting the good fight for journalism right now is great in my book. He has a joyful smile, and I like that he wants a goal-oriented partner. 

Emily: Yeah, he seems like a really cool dude. He’s a professor and he studied abroad in Ghana. He can stay. Seems interesting, smart, supportive, and nice.

Kelli: Yes, but I’d be stressed about the punctuality issues. It’s not that hard to be on time, people.

Ivan, 28
Aeronautical Engineer
Dallas, TX

Susan: Ivan has the most legit-sounding job so far and sounds really mature for 28. 

Emily: Ivan is cute, has a real job, and loves intelligent women. He can also stay.

Kelli: “Recovered croc enthusiast” is cracking me up. I have a Pavlovian response to the name Ivan because that’s my ex’s name, but I will allow it.

Jason, 31
Former Pro Football Lineman
Arlington, VA

Susan: I think this is the fourth former pro athlete on the list, and we’re only in the Js. That’s all I’ve got for this guy.

Emily: Jason needs a woman who can handle his sarcasm. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say he’s just an asshole.

Kelli: It stresses me out when people say they want someone with a “great laugh,” because I have an incredibly annoying laugh. Am I lovable???

Jay, 29
Fitness Director
Fort Lauderdale, FL

Susan: Meh. 

Emily: If you have so little going on in your life that Abercrombie & Fitch makes it into your bio, then that’s a big red flag. 

Kelli: Like, I get that nobody wants to see someone sitting on their phone during a date, but if you go out of your way to point it out and make it a part of your personality that you hate it when someone is on their phone, you sound like a Boomer. A 29-year-old Boomer. Not attractive.

Jeremy, 40
Banker
Washington, DC

Susan: The first fact in his bio is that he’s the oldest contestant ever to be on the show. I’m over here like, can we get more 40-year-olds, please? 

Emily: Agree. I love that his bio says he hates Instagram models. I’m expecting him to get into fights with a lot of the younger dudes on the show. Also, of course you hate Instagram models. You’re 40. 

Kelli: As a Type-A woman, I am offended by this profile. Sorry that I’m not easy going enough for you, Jeremy.

Joe, 36
Anesthesiologist
New York City

Susan: Was voted one of the Top 20 Most Eligible Doctors and Medical Professionals in New York City. He’s attractive and he has a solid career, but I don’t love that he blames his lack of success on dating apps on the women who use dating apps. Like, maybe it’s you? (And this is the name where I have my Pavlovian response. We’ve all got one.)

Emily: I’m always going to go to bat for Asian men on The Bachelorette because we get so many Asian male romantic leads in movies and television shows. Like, really, right now Henry Golding is playing every hot Asian dude role. And there are more of them out there, and we want the representation. So I’m rooting for Joe. Also, he seems smart. I am worried that he seems so concerned about appearance, however. 

Kelli: I agree with both of you. Hopefully he just means that “people on dating apps” feel like there’s always something better out there, but he only has experience with women, and isn’t putting the blame on women specifically. I will say that living in New York and using dating apps, he’s not wrong about people having that mindset, because the options here seem truly limitless.

Jordan C., 26
Software Account Executive
New York City

Susan: “Jordan C. dreams of having a dog named Maverick.” Just...adopt a dog and...name it that. Dream bigger, dude.

Emily: Hahah right. I love his glasses though. So hot.

Kelli: I think it’s funny that his sister has hated every girl he’s brought home. It’s a reversal of the narrative we’re used to with the “protective older brother” who hates boyfriends, and while I cannot condone woman-on-woman violence, I am also kind of here for the vibe.

Jordan M., 30
Cyber Security Engineer
Santa Monica, CA

Susan: He has a real job, seems level-headed, and votes blue. I don’t love the phrasing that he “hasn’t met a woman with enough depth,” but this could be ABC’s wording and not his. I’m willing to give him a chance. 

Emily: I’m also worried that he’s another dude who writes poetry. I’m anticipating a lot of bad poetry this season.

Kelli: 6’8”???? I cannot wait to see him standing next to Clare.

Kenny, 39
Boy Band Manager
Chicago, IL

Susan: Kenny hates cheese, and honestly that’s a red flag for me. If we can’t get drunk on a wine + cheese picnic, I don’t want it. 

Emily: Okay but like some of us are lactose intolerant. I still like cheese though. It’s the biggest tragedy. As for Kenny, I really need to know more about this boy band manager job.

Kelli: I also need to know more about his job, and what is going on with that chest tat? Is it a shooting star? I hope we find out. I’m kind of obsessed with the fact that he says he wants a woman who is not “wrongly opinionated.” Not “I want someone who shares my opinions,” but “I want someone who does not have wrong opinions.” Honestly? Same.

Mike, 38
Digital Media Adviser
Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Susan: You had me at “Canadian citizenship.”

Emily: That’s really all it takes at the moment. This guy is a big ole nerd in a cute way. He loves Game of Thrones and when asked what time period he would want to live in, he said the Jurassic Period. LOL I don’t think that was what they were thinking when they asked the question, but I like your style, Mike. 

Kelli: I kind of love him? I’m a sucker for sweet Canadians. Also, he’s 38 and seems to be aging like a fine wine.

Page, 37
Chef
Austin, TX

Emily: Page is a name choice. Page also thinks it’s cool to brag about not liking football, so… bye, Page.

Susan: I’m actually...kind of digging Page’s bio? Intimate dinner parties where Clare won’t have to cook sounds good to me. Would like to see the rest of that chest tattoo so I can judge more thoroughly.

Kelli: Somehow, Emily and I are still friends, despite the fact that I constantly brag about not liking football. Anyway, this guy looks a little bit like my brother, so that’s weird.

Riley, 30
Attorney
Long Island City, NY

Emily: I love that Riley knows all the lyrics to “Call Me Maybe.” That makes me think, hey, this is a fun dude. 

Susan: But he hates museums though. Idk, he seems fun to hang out with, but I’m not getting boyfriend vibes from this one.

Kelli: This seems like a guy who says he’s going to “shift his priorities” and then once they’re married and have a kid will expect his wife to do all of the childrearing because he’s “busy at work.” I just get weird vibes from a person who describes themselves as a workaholic and then says “but I want to find my wife and start a family.” But maybe I’m also sorry about his refusal to go to a museum.

Robby, 31
Insurance Broker
Tampa, FL

Emily: It’s 2020. Can we stop bragging about how long our parents have been together as if that signals something virtuous about ourselves? Cause it doesn’t. 

Susan: I was on board with hiking followed by beer (one of my personal favorite Saturday activities), but is this bio not almost exactly like the Robby from JoJo’s season? Florida, former athlete, low key model brags…

Kelli: An FSU grad from Tampa named Robby who works in insurance (AKA scams the shit out of struggling people)? HARD pass.

Tyler C.
Lawyer
Morgantown, WV

Emily: I feel like we should retire the name Tyler C. after Hannah’s season. Especially because this Tyler C. is a Matthew McConaughey stan.

Susan: Agree. He’ll never live up to the Tyler C. in our hearts. Also, self-proclaimed “businessman by day and cowboy by night” sounds like something I’d like to avoid.

Kelli: How can one be a cowboy at night? What does that even mean?

Tyler S., 36
Music Manager
Georgetown, TX

Emily: I love that he likes planting trees and saving wildlife. But the whole “if I can’t show my mama her Instagram, I don’t want to date her” thing feels a little slut-shamey.

Susan: After Jed, I think I distrust anyone in the country music business on this show, even if it’s managing someone else’s career. Agree on the Instagram thing, Emily.

Kelli: Yes, agreed. Have we had any good experiences with people who work in the music business on this show?

Yosef, 30
Medical Device Salesman
Daphne, AL

Emily: Y’all know I live for Catfish stories. I really hope Yosef sticks around for long enough for him to tell us his. 

Susan: He seems cool, but does he know that you don’t have to actually own a house in Egypt just to go on vacation there? You can just go. 

Kelli: I think it’s nice that he has a successful co-parenting relationship with his ex, but it’s also a little weird that he’s like “she remarried and now it’s my turn.” Like, is this some kind of weird competition? I mean, I guess The Bachelorette is a weird competition.

Zac C., 36
Addiction Specialist
Haddonfield, NJ

Emily: Zac C. doesn’t eat fruit. Is he a child?

Susan: He’s an addiction specialist, and that is a cause that’s near to my heart, so I’m almost willing to overlook the fruit thing and give him a chance. 

Kelli: Yeah, and I think it’ll be interesting to get his backstory because I’m not sure if there’s been a recovering addict on the show since I’ve been watching it (or at least not one who talked about it as part of their story). I think that’s an important point of representation and I hope the show handles it gracefully.

Zac J., 37
Cleaning Service Owner
St. George, UT

Emily: Zach J. doesn't understand why people have so much trouble knowing when to use there vs. they're vs. their. Same. I hope this comes up on the show.

Susan: I hate gum, so someone who is “obsessed with gum” is not someone I’d probably want to chill with. 

Kelli: The “fun facts” genuinely make this man sound like a cartoon character. He is obsessed with gum and chapstick, HATES jazz, does not know how to dance, and once broke his nose running into a glass door. I’m imagining that he ran into the door while chewing gum and applying chapstick, jazz playing in the background.

Whew. That was a lot. Join Susan and Emily every Friday for Bachelorette recaps of Clare’s journey to find Dale—oops, we mean love!