Emily: Welcome back to The Bachelorette! This week, the gang is in New Orleans, which means this season is really just a tour of all of the places I have lived (or am currently living). Very exciting for me, but I would guess less exciting for the viewers at large. And way less exciting for Charity and her men. LET THESE PEOPLE TRAVEL INTERNATIONALLY! GIVE US THE FANTASY!

Bonnie: I’m upset Charity has been robbed of non stop world travel, yet Zach and Clayton got to hop all over the place. RUDE.

Emily: This week, Charity has FOUR dates planned, which seems like a lot going into the episode, but actually turns out to be not that much. More on that later. For now, Charity meets up with all the men to have a drink, because it’s New Orleans and all anyone in New Orleans does is day drink until it’s time to night drink (I am kidding mostly). The men are all very excited. Joey says he’s feeling the New Orleans vibes. Sean is somehow convinced he’s going to get a rose. Aaron really wants to show Charity around New Orleans and mansplain the whole city to her because I don’t know if y’all know this or not but Aaron used to live here.

Bonnie: You KNOW Aaron would be INSUFFERABLE on a date here. So thankful the producers spared us, and Charity.

Emily: At this point, Charity says to the men, “Let’s do a cheers.” And I can’t remember what they toasted to after this because I fly into a blind rage whenever I hear anyone utter the phrase “let’s do a cheers.” That is not a saying. It’s “Let’s make a toast” and then you say “Cheers to” whatever. It’s a minor point, and something that I’m sure nobody else cares about. But fun fact about me: I care a lot.

Bonnie: I was more concerned with what they were drinking. If those are mimosas….why are they in tumblers? Are they drinking screwdrivers for brunch??? No judgment from me, but an odd choice. I have no notes on their toast. 

Emily: A horse and carriage shows up to whisk Charity off on her first one on one date with… Joey. Technically, Joey has yet to have a full one-on-one. He only got that half date after he won the kissing contest. So I was fully on board with this decision. Tanner, however, is not on board with this decision. He says he feels overlooked. Too bad, Tanner. 20 points to Joey.

Bonnie: Happy for Joey, but not happy for these poor horses!!! No more horse drawn carriages please. Joey is excited because he’s never been to New Orleans. Charity says she’s really into history, and Joey says she’s too smart for him. Probably true. Appreciate that he can recognize this. Also a lol that being into history automatically makes you “smart.” Joey keeps talking and Charity keeps saying “I know” to every sentence. Then they have a really weird kiss. I don’t remember what made it weird, but it’s in my notes. Then they sit down to eat some New Orleans food. We actually see them eat partial meals, which is a shock. Glad they actually got fed! 

Emily: In New Orleans, it’s illegal to not eat.

Bonnie: We get a tarot reading. They’re suddenly wearing lots of beads which seems suspicious. They dance in front of a brass band. Joey says he feels like he’s with his girlfriend. Lots of no tongue kisses. Endless pecking on this date. (Still kissing, so 2 points). 

Emily: I just want to say. I was thankful they brought in a professional to write these two a poem rather than having to endure another “poem” written by one of the contestants. However, this poem was still really generic, and I’m not convinced he actually wrote it on the spot. Not good. I would want my money back.

Bonnie: Pretty sure this guy has 20 stock poems that he slightly alters for each person. You know there are multiple love poems in his mental poem catalog. 

Emily: The date conversation has been pretty meaningless leading up to the evening portion of the date. These two just keep talking about how great their connection is and how much they like each other without much substance behind it. But when the sun goes down, Charity is ready to get into the real issues.

Bonnie: Charity asks how his family would feel about him bringing her home. She asks how he feels about being in an inter-racial relationship. She asks if he’s ever dated a black girl before. Charity is getting down to BUSINESS. We so rarely get to see them diving into topics that are actually important for long term relationships. Even though this convo barely scratched the surface, it was still great to see.

Emily: Charity tells Joey her last boyfriend acted like race didn’t matter, but it actually matters a lot. She says, “Navigating life as a Black woman is something I never want to apologize for because that’s who I am.” She says she doesn’t want to have to educate her partner. She wants her partner to be willing to educate himself and be willing to learn. Joey tells Charity he’s never dated a Black woman before, so he doesn’t have experience navigating that kind of relationship, but he’s ready to conquer that with her. I guess this was the right answer (I’m not really allowed to say because I’m white… disclaimer), because Charity starts crying (5 points). 

Bonnie: Joey asks if he can give her a hug. He does not stop looking at her. The eye contact. Always. Charity says she has nothing but happy tears, and says it’s the first time she’s cried like this. Joey has blown her away by holding space for her to have difficult conversations. He makes her feel seen. SO SEEN apparently. Joey gets the rose (10 points.) Which means we get to meet Joey's dad!!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!! Joey says he’s falling in love with her (10 points). Charity says thank you, and they kiss.

Emily: Back at the hotel, the guys are gathered around waiting for the next date card. One of them says he wonders what Joey and Charity are doing on their date, probably because production forces them to talk about that. And Xavier goes, “I don’t even want to think about it, cause I know they be kissing.”

Bonnie: DATE CARD. It goes to Sean and Tanner, and reads, “It’s time to get clarity. Meet me in the bayou.” Sorry, no one who goes on a 2:1 is winning. Sorry bros. Sean is UPSET. How this is a shock to him, I will never know. Tanner feels overlooked again. Sean says he’s going into competitive mode. WHY???? If Charity doesn’t like you for you….move on. They meet Charity for a swamp boat tour to see some gators. Sean starts talking about all the gators on his golf course down in Florida. BARF. I’m obsessed with this old man boat driver in his backwoods camo outfit. He is having such a laugh. 

Emily: Honestly, the main reason I would be mad right now if I were a contestant? Realizing that we’ve made it to hometowns and we’re still in the United States of America. I would feel robbed. Normally, even if you’re a Tanner and you don’t have a connection with the lead, you at least get some fun travel out of this. But this? Gator-watching with a weird dude in camo joking about “taking turns” with the girl you’re on a date with? Hard pass.

Bonnie: And then you have to eat a bunch of seafood. Sorry, that’s not for me. I know this is New Orleans……but no thanks. Seeing gators is the only part of this date that would interest me. Also, they just ate this seafood, and then Sean goes over to chat with Charity before they leave, and they make out (2pts). Honestly…..made me feel sick. For multiple reasons. We move on to the night portion of the date. Charity is rocking a 90s updo, and I love her dress. She looks too good to be on a date with Sean. He does not deserve this serve.

Charity chats to Sean first. He wants her to meet his family. Then she chats to Tanner. He has his guard up because in a previous relationship, after one argument, his girlfriend went to Florida and never came back. Lost in a swamp? Eaten by a gator? Just never wanted to see him again? Unclear. Tanner and Charity kiss. (2pts)

Emily: I’m glad you took notes on this date, because I couldn’t be bothered. There was absolutely no drama on this date because we know neither of these guys is going to make it to hometowns. Sean keeps repeating, “One guy is going to go to hometowns without a 1-1 date, and one guy is going home.” He forgets the very real possibility (and the much more believable possibility) that both of these guys are going home. Sean is hanging on to this one time he pretended to be Ken and they made out. No one cares.

Back at the house, Dotun gets the next date card (20 points). Clearly he’s a frontrunner, because he just got a date last week. The card reads, “My heart’s racing for you… meet me at sunrise.” Dotun is happy, but Aaron is pissed because this means he isn’t going to get a 1-on-1 in New Orleans. And how will Charity ever fall in love with him if he can’t explain everything to her?

Bonnie: Back at the 2:1. I really thought Charity was just going to send both of them home on this date. I mean…by not giving anyone a rose….she basically sent them both home here.

Emily: Yeah, this was annoying. Why delay the inevitable? What’s worse, she picks up the rose as if she’s going to give it to one of them, and then she says, “Let me put her back down.” She says she’s grateful for both of them, and she’ll see them both soon. Tanner is relieved. Sean is upset.

On the date the next morning, they’re running a “marathon.” If I went on a date and found out SURPRISE I was running a marathon…I would not be pleased.

Bonnie: Charity is stretching. She’s got a lot more energy than I do at that time of day. This date is honestly my worst nightmare. Wake up early……to run? Absolutely not. If Dotun shares any of my pain, he does not show it. We get an A+ huju (5 points). He is SO TALL.

Emily: I’ve never heard this called a huju before. Thanks for that.

Bonnie: Back at the hotel the boys are talking about their feels. Sean is upset that Dotun got 2 1:1s and he hasn’t gotten one. Xavier sips his drink, and tries to act interested as he slowly leans further away from Sean. Sean getting all upset and feeling unsure about things……much like the feelings he made fun of Brayden for having….interesting. 

Emily: BACK AT THE RACE. Clearly Charity and Dotun are not actually running a marathon. This seems more like a fun run. They’re just walking and every now and then jogging and stopping to drink beer a lot. Charity and Dotun talk to a bunch of old people and get life advice. One old dude tells them the secret to a good marriage is saying “Yes dear.” Gotta love boomer humor.

Bonnie: They cross the finish line, and kiss (2pts) . Dotun says this is the most real world normal type of day he’s had with her, and he loved it. Ugh, imagine running a race being a normal day for you. Exhausting.

At the night portion of the date, Charity is once again looking great. Charity asks about hometowns. How would his family feel about meeting her? Dotun is excited for them to meet her. He has mixed emotions. He’s excited, but also fearful. He says he has a big fear of failure. Every time he’s really wanted something in life and gone for it, he hasn’t gotten it.

Emily: Dotun says he’s learning sometimes a good thing is just a good thing and he’s trying not to be afraid of messing things up. He tells her, “My heart is totally in this thing… the brain is like no what are you talking about? You don’t deserve that… I’m really working on listening to my heart more.” He says he’s falling in love with her (10 pts). 

Bonnie: Charity says her heart and body!!! lit up, and that’s what she needed to hear. She thanks him, and she kisses him. If Dotun doesn’t win…….like……this edit is wild. They’ve done it to us before, but goodness. Charity says she can’t even put into words how he makes her feel. She says, “It’s a million good things.” He gets the rose (10pts) and then more kissing. They then leave the table of uneaten food to go makeout outside. Charity says Dotun could be exactly the person that she could navigate this life with. <3

Emily: Back at the hotel, Aaron is still mad. The final date card comes and it’s another group date for Aaron, Xavier, Tanner, Sean. “Next stop, home towns,” it reads. Just when Aaron is at his ragiest, Dotun comes home to tell them about his date. Perfect. Dotun says, “I did the something classic.” Aaron quickly responds,  “CRESCENT CITY CLASSIC.” Oh yeah, did y’all know he used to live here? 

Bonnie: Meanwhile, Sean needs answers, so he goes to Charity’s room. He’s on a mission. If he can just get her to understand how into her he is, and that they just need more time, then maybe he’ll get to hang out for one more week. He starts off by complaining about not getting a 1:1 and not getting the rose on his face off date with Tanner. If you have to explain and force yourself upon someone this much…..sorry bro, she’s just not into you. 

Sean was ready to take Charity to meet his family even though they’ve had so little time together……fake or delusional? Both? He tells her he’s in the process of falling in love with her. (10pts) I appreciate him earning these 10 points for our team before being told to leave.

Emily: “In the process of falling in love” feels fake, but I guess we’ll give it to him. You do you, Sean.

Bonnie: Charity tells Sean she has stronger connections. He keeps pushing for more 1:1 time, and that they could get there with more time. DERANGED. As if her feelings on this don’t matter. She tells him she can’t give him what he needs. She cries (5 points) and walks him out. DO NOT FEEL SORRY CHARITY!!! He sucks. Sean is heartbroken, crushed, and delusional. He fake cries (2 points).

Emily: It’s time for the final group date. This is such a BS date, because really this is just a cocktail party with no rose ceremony at the end. And the people who already have roses don’t have to come.

Bonnie: The group date boyz get on a cable car to meet Charity. There are two roses on the table along with some fruit platters that will probably go untouched. I would be chowing down on that fruit. The amount of food that goes uneaten is wild.

Aaron is up first. He’s ready to introduce Charity to his family. He says things have been hard, but their time has gotten him through it. That’s not how it sounded earlier BRO. They kiss (2 points).

Emily: It’s sort of like what Brayden was saying about Aaron last week. Aaron likes to say a whole bunch of big generic things that mean nothing. Who knew Brayden was so wise? Not me.

Bonnie: Tanner also feels excited for Charity to meet his family. All these men are WILD. While Charity talks to Tanner, Xavier tells Aaron being vulnerable is scary, and the idea of marriage is scary. Normally he wouldn’t be open this early. Surprised Aaron didn’t run off to tell Charity immediately.

Emily: Xavier’s sweaters are getting more and more grandma every week, and I’m here for it. Xavier is doing for sweaters what Brayden did for earrings. When Xavier sits down with Charity, he says committing to one person is scary because he’s never done it before and he wants to do it once and he wants to do it right. 

Bonnie: Xavier is expressing genuine feels while Aaron is selling LIES. Aaron’s lies get him a rose. I’m convinced she’s bringing Aaron to hometowns because she knows it will be easy to get rid of him later. What else could explain it????

Emily: Pretty sure Aaron will be the next to go. But anyway, Charity says she won’t be giving out another rose right now. She says she’ll see Tanner and Xavier tonight and they’ll go from there. Charity says she’s trying to not make the wrong decision and it’s terrifying. It’s so insulting that this show is even pretending Charity might consider Tanner at this point.

And the ruse doesn’t last for much longer, because Charity goes to Tanner’s hotel room to dump him. Charity says she’s trying to not make the wrong decision and it’s terrifying. She asks to walk Tanner out and I’m confused because… isn’t this Tanner’s hotel room?

Bonnie: This is still a win for Tanner. He’s come out looking great. Tanner walks the streets alone. We’ll see you in paradise TanTan!

Emily: At least the bars are open 24 hours in New Orleans. Have fun out there, TanTan! Tanner wipes his eyes as if he’s crying, but I don’t know if I see any tears. Still, we’ll give him the 2 points. 

In other news, Xavier is hot, and it’s time for Charity to give this knitting king a rose.

Bonnie: Charity tells Xavier she has had to trust her heart and her gut on what feels best. Charity dangles the rose in front of him, saying she has one rose, but she doesn’t have to give it out. 

Emily: But guess what? She does give it out. And they kiss (2 points).

Bonnie: For the closing credits, we get a skit about the person responsible for taking the suitcases away. I really want to know if this is actually suitcase man. 

Emily: I hope so, because I would hate to think they hired an actor just for this moment.

FASHION CORNER - This week, shout out to Xavier’s impressive sweater collection. 2 points to Xavier for beating out Charity this week for the fashion corner.

Now let’s get to the points, shall we?

Emily - Team Double-Sided Coin

Xavier - 4
Aaron B. - 2
Joey - 47
Tanner - 4

This Week’s Points: 57
Previous Points: 174
Total Points: 231

Bonnie - Team Drama Queenz

Dotun - 47
Sean - 19

This Week’s Points: 66
Previous Points: 179
Total Points: 245

Team Drama Queenz remains in the lead, but will they stay ahead with only Dotun left to carry the team? We’ll find out in hometowns!