Emily: It’s week 2 of The Bachelorette, and here’s where the season really starts in earnest. We get our first dates. We get our first real drama. We get our first makeouts. We get our first Speedos. And most importantly, our players get to start scoring points for our teams (and we’ll reveal our team names at the end of this recap, so sit tight).

So we’re down to nineteen men at the start of this episode. Charity says she’s ready for the journey and that she’s here to find love and all the things that Bachelorettes normally say at this point in the competition. In other words, she hasn’t been broken yet.

I also noticed at the beginning of this episode that Aaron B. is still pretending his coin is real.

Bonnie: OMG. THE COIN. I love when he finally reveals it’s fake. As if we didn’t know. You really fooled us Aaron! 

I liked that Jesse was calling out Brayden’s Chicos earring scarf situation. So far that’s Jesse’s only real contribution to my enjoyment of this season. Will there be other moments of greatness? Probably not. I miss Kaitlyn and Taisha. 

Emily: Yeah, so Brayden’s earring and outfit choices are totally unhinged. Jesse says he feels like Brayden thought “I got the first impression rose, so fuck it.” You know, I never really understood what people meant when they said “coastal grandma” until I saw this outfit. It’s giving coastal grandma. I think Brayden should get 2 points by making Jesse curse on TV and almost be cool.

Bonnie: We also get the reveal that Adrian is a father. Don’t remember this being mentioned previously, or I might not have picked him.

Emily: Yeah, honestly, I do not remember a single thing about Adrian from night one, but somehow you lucked your way into an unexpected drama pick. I think we will see a lot of points from Adrian before he finally burns out, but time will tell!

Bonnie: Xavier already made a comment about Adrian not knowing how to keep his mouth shut. Xavier KNOWS

Emily: So after the dudes gather together, we get the first date card, which goes to… Mr. Lucky Coin himself, Aaron B. (20 points)! By the way, I don’t think we’ve discussed this yet, but Aaron B. is apparently good friends with Aaron Clancy. Does this change the way we feel about Aaron at all?

Just in case you need a reminder of who Aaron Clancy is:

Bonnie: I heard that! I would never guess that they were friends. The fake coin does feel like something a friend of Aaron Clancy would do…..now that I’m thinking about it. I don’t think he’s her number one choice, so my feelings on this are neutral. I think he’s a secret drama pick that will go far.

Emily: So yeah, Aaron B. and Charity drive off in a red car which I guess is nice or whatever. The dudes think Charity is SO COOL because she can actually drive a car (I’m not shitting you—they actually say this). 

How do we feel about this date? Because… well, I’ll let you go first. Haha.

Bonnie: First, I would like to note that he thought he had been on those streets before because of Grand Theft Auto. 

Emily: Haha! He also says, “We look like Bonnie and Clyde riding through the Hollywood hills.” How so? What does that mean?!?!

Bonnie: He thought the date was going in a VERY different direction…..So, for the actual activity, I mean, getting to go up to the Hollywood sign is pretty cool since you can’t actually do that anymore. His coin reveal though. I cannot with that. Also the shared parent role models when it comes to marriage. SNOOZE.

Emily: Yeah I was okay with the date location. It was the parent role model talk and trying to compare the Hollywood sign to being in a long relationship. Charity tells Aaron that it’s the 100th anniversary of the Hollywood sign and that one of the reasons he wanted to bring Aaron there is because his parents had been together for so long… I guess, kinda like how the Hollywood sign has been together so long with that hill?

Bonnie: I completely blanked on that. I took so many pages of notes, and still found that to be unimportant. LOL. Tourism board talking points.

Emily: Yeah, it was so dumb. And at one point, she’s like, “Maybe one day our kids will be sitting here…” Like… ok? Why would your kids be sitting there? Are they also on a date? 

Bonnie: Also, they can’t sit there. It’s not allowed. I looked this up. So even if their kids are on a date with each other, it’s still a no, and not just because of the incest angle.

Emily: Right. 

Bonnie: Aaron’s getting the romantic, dance to a musical act we’ve never heard of date (5 points). Basically a sign he will go far. Lauren Alaina. Who is this woman? Was very here for her sparkly jumpsuit situation. You know how much I love a gigantic bow.

Will we ever get a recognizable musical act again? Besides The Cranberries…..it’s all pretty meh.

Emily: We will never top The Cranberries. So when we reach the point in the night where Aaron is supposed to reveal a sob story, he tells Charity that he used to be a bad boyfriend, but then he went to therapy and worked on himself. Which… kudos to you for going to therapy, I guess.

Bonnie: I think it’s funny that revealing you go to therapy is being put on the same level as some deeper life story. I hope all these men are in therapy. They need it.

Emily: Yeah, it’s not a sob story. It’s just common human decency and self-care. So no points for this story. Sorry, my dude. Aaron says that Charity is “a ton of green flags” and he hopes that he can be the kind of man she deserves. We hope so too, I guess.

Bonnie: I don’t hope so. If anyone from your team is winning, it better be Xavier!

Emily: I will say after Aaron says this and Charity gives him the rose (10 points), she seems really giddy and she CRIES (making the Bachelorette cry is 5 points). She says, “If this is a sign of what’s to come it’s a really good feeling.” I don’t think this means Aaron B. will win, but I do think this means we can expect him to stick around for a while.

Bonnie: She cried??? I missed that as well. Wow. I really thought I was paying attention. 

Emily: I was probably paying closer attention because Aaron B. is on my team so I had to watch out for all my points. Haha. They also make out a lot, so points for that as well (2 points).

I think we should also mention while this date is happening, back at the mansion, Adrian is fuming about everyone being immature and there for the wrong reasons. Because I guess it should be illegal to have fun and splash around in the pool when Charity isn’t there. 

Bonnie: NO FUN WHILE TRYING TO FIND LOVE! Fun is not allowed. Is this what happens to a person when they have a child????

Emily: At some point the next date card comes as well. It says “Sun’s out buns out,” and going on this date are: Dotun, Tanner, Adrian, John, Kaleb, Caleb, Caleb, Xavier, James, Aaron S., Sean, Brayden. Brayden says he has to start doing his stretches. Unsure what he thinks this date is going to be.

Bonnie: I’m worried the neon speedo will ruin Brayden’s Chicos meets Etsy vibe.

Firefighter Aaron has been giving us great commentary this whole episode, but his real shining moment is name dropping Yosef’s daughter. +3 points for being our colorful narrator. He’s weaving a tapestry for us.

Emily: Yeah, it’s the classic sports and Speedos date, and Firefighter Aaron hilariously says that he can’t believe they’re doing this when Yosef has a daughter at home (IYKYK). If you’ve watched The Bachelorette at all, you know the drill. The winning team will get to hang out with Charity more. The bad team will go home. And they’re playing dodgeball.

Bonnie: Why were the bystanders all so close? They kept getting hit which was great for us. Maybe less great for them. Unless they’re into that kind of thing. I’m not here to kink shame.

Emily: I wondered this too. This seemed really dumb. Some standouts from the game: Xavier went to summer camp and played dodgeball so he’s basically a pro and refuses to lose. Pro wrestler dude (Caleb…. B? R? A?) has 3:16 written across his chest, and I want to believe it’s ironic, but this is The Bachelorette. 

Bonnie: I noticed the 3:16 as well. I assume he’s a Stone Cold Steve Austin fan, and also loves Jesus. Sadly, hot John is also into Jesus. The cross tattoo on his chest. Sad times. I guess no one is perfect.

Emily: We do want John to be the Bachelor, and his Christianity does make him more likely to be chosen. So there is that.

Bonnie: This is true. They really went out of their way to cast Matt James who was also super into all that. Now I’m waiting for Atheist/Agnostic Bachelor representation. LOL. Tears.

Emily: That’s all we want. But back to the game. It comes down to Adrian vs. Xavier, but Xavier grabs the ball and ends the game (3 points). Xavier’s team wins, but Adrian is named MVP (5 points) so he gets to stay and hang with the winning team. On to the evening portion of the date!

I will admit I didn’t take super great notes on this part because I was so in shock, but during Brayden’s part of the date, he says something about how making out with Charity reminds him of Avatar?

Bonnie: My exact notes: Not comparing his kiss with Charity to Avatar.

Emily: I think Brayden might just be that guy who makes weird movie references that don’t make any sense. In the first episode, he said he wanted to be like Aladdin. So there’s that. But either way, he gets 2 points for making out with the lead.

Next up, Charity talks to our boy John. He tells her he used to play professional basketball. Charity says she used to be a cheerleader. Absolute shocker that Charity was once a cheerleader. They make out. 2 points for John.

Bonnie: John recognizes cheerleading as a sport that takes a lot of skill, and considers her an athlete. So many people dismiss cheerleading, but that shit is HARD. I’d already be dead if I was a cheerleader. John <3

Can we take a moment to acknowledge Charity’s outfit???? The sequined check two piece! The flares! LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Emily: Agree! As predicted, Charity is serving looks this season. Back in the waiting area, drama is brewing between Adrian and Brayden. Good for Bonnie, since both of these guys are on her team. Both of these guys are doing major pot-stirring and shit-talking throughout the rest of this episode, so I say 5 points each. Brayden says Adrian didn’t deserve to win MVP and that it should have gone to Chase 3:16 instead.

Bonnie: There were some weird ghost siren sound effects happening here. Did you hear those? Was it just me??? Anyway, Brayden needs to pipe down. It’s like he doesn’t realize Adrian is on OUR TEAM. You’re really going to push for one of the Caleb/Kalebs Brayden??? Brayden just continuing on his immature clueless path. 

Emily: When Adrian finally gets his alone time with Charity, he tells her that he has a daughter. He also says his daughter makes him more in touch with his feelings and he’s ready to settle down. Because if you don’t have kids, how can you possibly be in touch with your feelings or care about anyone else?

Bonnie: I mean, sure, but there’s no love greater than the love you get from a dog or cat baby. THE MOST SUPREME LOVE OF ALL. All these people with children acting like we’ll never know love. HAH! Also, how can I be in touch with my feelings when there’s a baby trying to be the center of attention?? Absolutely not. I need time to sleep to be a whole person. 

Also…..Charity’s face when she finds out he has a daughter…..priceless.

Emily: Adrian also tells Charity that everyone else is acting like they’re on spring break. And again, everyone acts like this is the worst offense ever. Like it’s criminal to have fun. Maybe I just don’t get it because I don’t have kids and therefore am not in touch with my emotions.

Bonnie: Adrian is NO FUN. Upset he’s on my team now. You’re trapped in a mansion with free drinks, a pool, and other guys. Does he expect people to just sit around and journal all day???? Team free drinks and fun floaties all the way. Why does Adrian think you can’t have fun and make friends? Maybe since Adrian is a parent he’s NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. His life is SERIOUS. The only laughing he’s going to be doing is with his child and with his future wife. I actually started to side with Brayden in this feud. Quite the feat Adrian has accomplished. 2 points for getting us to side with Brayden.

My boy John gets the group date rose!!! (10 points) Proud of him.

Emily: Time for group date #2! This one is much smaller. On this date we get John Henry the ocean welder, Joey the Hawaii tennis colonizer, Warwick the cutie, Spencer the serial killer, Josh from Harvard, and Michael with the yacht. As much as I love Warwick, I feel like there’s a clear frontrunner in this group right away. It’s Joey. For some reason.

Bonnie: Warwick is such a cutie. Wait, is it Warwick or Warrick? Whatever, he cute. Joey is definitely the front runner here.

Emily: It’s Warwick, but it’s pronounced “Warrick.” Anyway! Gabby and Rachel are hosting this date, reminding us how much more fun it is when former Bachelorettes host the Bachelorette rather than some creepy old wooden white dude. The date is going to be about breaking the Bachelor record for the longest kiss ever. But before we get there, the dudes will have to compete to decide who is worthy of kissing Charity for 4+ minutes.

Bonnie: I am SO HAPPY to see Gabby. She cracks me up. It’s a crime that she’s not around to host all the dates.

Gabby and Rachel ask the men a series of questions, and make them do some silly challenges. Everyone makes out with their hand to demonstrate their lipsing skills. Joey is apparently maintaining strong eye contact with Charity the whole time but all I saw is him with his eyes closed, and it looked like he was throwing up into his hand. I don’t think we got to see Spencer making out with his hand, and I’m sad and thankful at the same time. He claims he’s a good kisser, but has any woman lived to refute that claim? Who’s to say. Anyway, the final portion of this competition to win the chance to kiss Charity for three minutes involves each man monologueing about a notable kiss in their life. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else said. 

Emily: Not surprising anyone, Charity picks Joey to kiss. I feel like she already knew she was going to pick Joey before they even started, but whatever. I’m fine with this, because he’s on my team. Joey gets 5 points for winning the competition and 2 points for kissing the lead. Joey also gets a 1 on 1 as a reward. Normally, contestants get 20 points for 1:1 dates, but since this is technically only half of a 1:1, we’ll say 10 points.

Bonnie: We all knew Joey was going to win. His story was kind of cheating to me, but whatever. Spencer doesn’t want to watch anyone kiss. He seems very passionate about it.  I just don’t want to watch Spencer kiss. But also, I kind of do out of morbid curiosity.

When the guys get back to the house after the date they start discussing everything that went down. Brayden is personally offended that they had to watch Charity kiss someone. THE DISRESPECT! He’s so offended for them. On his justice crusader path down to the Chico’s for more earrings. Maybe he’s forgotten how this show works…….Anyway, Brayden starts threatening to leave because he is so offended that other people had to watch Charity kiss a man she's already kissed. Awarding Brayden 3 drama points. He is putting on a show. He chose his earrings just for this day. He is in his element.

Emily: On Joey and Charity’s one-on-one, Joey gets right to it and reveals his “sob story.” At first, I thought Joey was just going to say his parents were divorced and that was going to be his whole narrative. But what we get instead is more nuanced than that. Joey says that his parents still have a good relationship with one another, but they split after his father came out. Joey says, “My dad is now someone I talk to about everything… and it’s made me a more loving and accepting person.” It still felt a little like Joey had to apologize for not having parents who were still together, but at least his story was more than just a divorce story. I hope we get to meet his dad! 5 points for this story. Charity also gives him the rose, so 10 more points for Joey. Go Joey.

Bonnie: Joey really deserves those bonus points. The way he spoke with such love about his parents. I love that he’s still close with his dad. We NEED him to make it to hometowns. Have we ever gotten queer family representation on this show??? It’s a NEED.

Can we talk about how Charity’s parents have been together for 48 years???? How old were they when they had her???? Wild.

Emily: I feel like they’re one of those couples who just never stopped having kids. How many kids do they have?

Anyway. Back at the mansion, Jesse has some news for the dudes. I have to say. Every season, they do this thing where they fake the contestants out and tell them the cocktail party has been canceled only to then announce there is a pool party or something else more chill. But this time, Jesse really botched it. He goes, “I have some good news… wait. I have some bad news first. The bad news is that there is no cocktail party.” At this point, everyone knows what’s coming. They’re going to have a chill BBQ instead. Or… will it be chill?

Bonnie: They show the men preparing food, and when I saw them rubbing olive oil on the corn……no. Just no. It’s not the worst thing, but…..why?

Emily: Butter all the way.

Bonnie: Dotun, mimosa in hand, keeping it cute on his way to chat with Charity. He shares his resident alien card. The first form of identification he got when he moved to America. This is actually such a cool special thing to share. It’s got a picture of him as a kid on it as well. Precious! Dotun’s smile really warmed my heart here. He gets a kiss. WELL DESERVED! 2 kiss points.

Emily: Dotun is so so so cute. I predict he’s going far.

Bonnie: Floppy hair Republican guy shows Charity how to putt-putt golf with this white collared shirt, UNBUTTONED. I cannot. I know he’s on my team (for the drama) but this is so cringe I almost think he deserves to earn me negative points. Sobbing.

Emily: Haha. Nah, I think the punishment of having him on your team is enough.

Bonnie: We get some new Chico's earrings from Brayden. He’s like a middle-aged woman going on a “spiritual journey.” I hope people know what Chico’s is.

Emily: I feel like people know what Chico’s is. Basically, it’s a place where we’ll all suddenly want to start shopping once we reach grandma age. Or become Brayden.

Bonnie: Anyway. Brayden is back on his bullshit. Making Charity feel bad over NOTHING. I know Brayden is on my team….but it’s OBVIOUSLY not because I like him as a person. He’s on my team because I think he’s drama. 

Emily: Brayden says he’s packed his bags and is ready to leave if he doesn’t hear what he needs to hear from Charity. This whole drama thing gets super built up, but when Brayden sits down with Charity, the conversation is actually super chill and Charity says she appreciates Brayden being vulnerable. Truly, this is a testament to Charity and her patience because Brayden was being super annoying.

Things really kick off when Adrian sits down with Charity and tells her people in the house are being IMMATURE and he won’t name any names but, like, it’s Brayden.

Bonnie: ADRIAN! Don’t throw your teammate under the bus!!! These two. DRAMA.

Xavier knows these two are not long for this world. And by this world I mean The Bachelorette world. Possibly to then enter…..The Paradise world???? Fingers crossed.

Emily: So Charity leaves the cocktail party because she heard some things she didn’t like or whatever. This is classic Bachelor/ette right here. The Bachelorette gets taken away early, and everyone is upset because the drama-causers have ruined the rest of the day for everyone. They should really be upset with the producers because they’re the ones who told Charity she had to leave. But that wouldn’t make for an interesting tv show so we’re ok with this.

Aaaand… we go right into the rose ceremony. I was not a fan of this dress. The gold? The tassels. Too much going on.

Bonnie: Same. It looked sloppy. I love gold, and I love a tassel moment, but this was just not it.  Also, was just thinking how weird it must be to fit these dresses around the huge mic pack. 

Emily: Roses go to Dotun (5 points for being first), Tanner with the towel, Caleb B 3:16, Cutie Warrick, Yacht Michael, Floppy Hair Sean, Hot Xavier, Firefighter Aaron S, James with the Donuts, Adrian, and… Brayden (5 points for being last). Going home is… Kaleb K., John Henry the underwater welder, and creepy Spencer. I feel like Spencer barely let his freak flag fly, and I am hopeful but also afraid we might see more of him in Paradise. All three of these dudes were on my team, sadly. Oh yeah, also Josh went home too, but he wasn’t picked for our teams so who cares?

Bonnie, are we doing fashion corner? What are your picks?

Bonnie: FASHION CORNER!!!!

So my Fashion Yay of the week was Charity’s sequined check two piece. The flares, the crop top. Love it. Flawless. No notes. I want one. Link please. My runner up is Alaina whatever her name is. Her glittery pink jumpsuit with the massive bow. Stunning.

My fashion NAY (cause it belongs in a barn) of the week, was floppy hair Republican Sean’s white collared long-sleeve shirt worn open with gray drawstring shorts. Just…..a lot of no. First…..long sleeves…..but worn open. And the sleeves were not a loose casual sleeve. They looked tight, not chill. The fabric looked heavy. Just a no. Brayden’s choices at least entertain me.

Emily: And what are you naming your team? I feel like I have to go with Team Double-Sided Coin for mine because obviously. 

Bonnie: Team Drama Queenz. Obviously.

Emily: You definitely got the drama picks so far this season. Okay, let’s see those scores!

Emily - Team Double-Sided Coin

1. Xavier - 3

2. Aaron B. - 42

3. Joey - 32

4. Tanner

5. James

6. Kaleb K - RIP

7. Michael

8. John Henry - RIP

9. Spencer - RIP

Total points: 77

Bonnie - Team Drama Queenz

1. John - 12

2. Brayden - 17

3. Dotun - 7

4. Warwick

5. Aaron S. - 3

6. Caleb A

7. Adrian - 12

8. Caleb B

9. Sean

Total points: 51

Team Double-Sided Coin lost a lot of good people in this round, and Team Drama Queenz had more scorers overall. Still, Double-Sided Coin came out on top this round. It’s still anyone’s game though! Can’t wait to see what happens next week. See you then!