Hello, dear readers. Do you ever feel like something might be finally getting better, only to discover that it’s actually been getting worse the whole time? Well, we wouldn’t know anything about that. Incidentally, here are our thoughts on the latest episode of HBO’s Gossip Girl. Xoxo… Gossip Girl?

Kelli: So, this episode was… discouraging, to say the least. In fact, it has caused us to question the very nature of what we’re doing here recapping this show. There comes a time when you have to ask yourself: why bother?

Emily: Yeah, so if you go back and look at our hopes and dreams and expectations for the series starting with our first recap (I don’t know WHY you would go back and look at all of that, BUT IF YOU DID), you would probably not be surprised that all of those dreams got dashed. It was like the creators of Gossip Girl went through a checklist of all the things we asked them to please not do. And then they made sure to do all of them. We’ve kind of reached a trial period for Gossip Girl at this point. I’d say episodes 1 and 3 showed promise, at best. Episodes 3 and 4 were complete garbage. So now they’ve got two more episodes to change our minds before we give up. 

Kelli: We will finish up these six episodes at least, because unlike Julien, we are LOYAL to our FANS. Let’s start, I guess, by talking about the general conceit of this episode. It’s Zoya’s birthday, which she does not like to celebrate because her mother died giving birth to her. Every TV show must have a character who hates their birthday, and that plotline will always culminate in a large birthday party for said character, so it was pretty clear that things were headed in that direction. First, though, Gossip Girl had to post about the birthday so that everyone would find out and do terrible things, such as say “Happy Birthday” to Zoya in the hallway. There is some confusing back-and-forth going on re: Gossip Girl having intel about a fat-shamey tweet from a young Julien, as well as Zoya and her father being reported to the Housing Authority for lying about living with her grandmother, but all of this is eclipsed by the party Julien decides she’s going to throw to get back at Zoya for… something? So then Zoya’s like, fine Obie, let’s have a party too? 

I could not explain to you how all of this went down if I watched it four times, so all you really need to know is: the dads get mad and tell Julien and Zoya that they are having a joint birthday party and that’s that on that. All roads lead to this party.

This is all to say… why is this show so needlessly complicated?

Emily: I have no idea. I mentioned this in the first episode, but let’s circle back to this issue here. It seems like Gossip Girl really wants to create a sort of frenemy type situation with Zoya and Julien similar to what they had with Blair and Serena. But there are a few problems with this. First of all, these are completely different characters. Secondly, they’re sisters, which complicates their relationship for a number of reasons, especially since they’re half-sisters and their mother is dead. Third, and most importantly, it’s like the people writing their plotline have completely forgotten how to write subtle conflict. Or perhaps they never knew. 

Because Zoya and Julien are never really friends or enemies. They exist in this sort of weird space that shifts from one to the other in a matter of seconds. It’s so fast it’s dizzying. One moment, Julien is sharing an extremely humiliating video of Zoya to the world. The next, they’re crying and hugging each other. And neither feels earned. Maybe in part because the girl playing Julien is such a bad actress. So I guess that’s a fourth reason this isn’t working that I neglected to mention. 

Kelli: Yeah, this is an extremely valid point. I didn’t really notice how bad this performance was until this episode, but we get a scene here that is truly harrowing in terms of delivery. When Julien gives her “I am a bully” speech, I think we are meant to feel some kind of emotional payoff, but the only thing I felt was discomfort and confusion. Earlier in the episode, someone jokingly mentions that Julien was in the “Imagine” video, and watching this speech felt like watching the “Imagine” video. This could have worked if everyone in the crowd started laughing at her, but unfortunately we were meant to believe that people actually responded positively to this VERY false performance, including Zoya, who had every right to storm out of there and never speak to Julien again after what she pulled. It was completely ridiculous.

Emily: Yeah, this is never how anything would play out in real life. For a show that’s so obsessed with social media, it really has no idea how unforgiving social media is. Haven’t they heard of cancel culture? And speaking of which, that fat-shaming tweet that was supposed to ruin Julien’s life? Yeah, everyone forgot about it two hours later. Again, this is not how social media works.

Kelli: One thing that was sort of funny but had zero pay-off was the introduction of the child of Georgina Sparks. What was your reaction to this, and do you think it could mean actual cameos of the original characters? Or will we be limited to a bizarrely framed promotional still of Leighton Meester from the original show hanging on a wall?

Emily: I would love real cameos in the future, rather than a framed screenshot of Leighton Meester as Blair Waldorf in upcoming episodes. But frankly, considering how bad this show is, if I were Leighton Meester, I wouldn’t want to be a part of it either. And that’s saying something because it’s not like the orig Gossip Girl was high quality television. I know I’ve said that before, but it bears repeating. Yes, we do remember that the original Gossip Girl was bad, but it wasn’t this bad. 

Kelli: I would argue that it was equally bad but like, in a more fun way, which makes it seem less bad.

Emily: Anyway, back to baby Georgina Sparks. Georgina was always one of my least favorite characters in the original series. She was supposed to be this wild and unpredictable character that was almost a little dangerous, I guess? But she was more annoying than anything else. Baby Georgina is kind of similar. Apparently he’s got a lot of power and clout and is maybe a spy (???), but this doesn’t really go anywhere. The best Baby Georgina can do is drug Julien’s food so that she acts kind of drunk? But then this was so weird because it didn’t go anywhere. Julien acts kind of trashed for about two minutes, but then she’s fine. Worst drugs ever. 

AND YES, I DO KNOW HIS NAME IS MILO. 

Kelli: Yeah, the inclusion of this character ultimately just felt like a way to shallowly reference the original show, and he didn’t actually contribute anything to the plot. At one point he was like, “I hope you aren’t emetophobic, because things are about to get wet,” and I was like okay, great, Julien is going to puke everywhere at some point. And I kept waiting for that to happen—I thought it would happen when she was on stage in front of everyone—but then she somehow sobers up after showing that video. Also, I just have to say that I don’t understand what she thought she was going to accomplish by showing the part of the video she *thought* she was showing, which is just Zoya spray painting “fuck school” on the wall of her old school. Like… I don’t think anyone is going to like her less because of that? Most of the people at that party probably agreed with the sentiment. And then the rest of the video is just her getting bullied, which is also not going to turn people against her. It really did not make sense either way.  

Emily: Yeah, it was as if the show wanted a plotline where Julien had dirt on Zoya but then couldn’t think of any good ideas for what that dirt would actually be. 

Okay, let’s just jump right into the thing I hated most about this episode. The plot with Max and the teacher. So Max has gone on a bender since his fathers’ relationship has gone up in flames. And no one seems all that concerned about it aside from the hot teacher Max has been trying to flirt with all season. For, like, 10 minutes, I was kind of hopeful that Max was actually going to have an adult figure in his life who cared about him and maybe wanted him to do better. Someone to advocate for him. But no, turns out the plot twist is that the teacher did just want to fuck him the whole time after all.

As someone who was once a teacher, the teacher/student love story plot lines make me really uncomfortable. Setting aside age difference concerns, the power dynamics in that kind of relationship are fraught with all kinds of issues that just make this really not okay. I don’t care how adult Max acts on this show. I can’t get on board with this at all. And I hate that this show leaned into this storyline so quickly without trying to do anything more complicated with it.

What were your thoughts on this? And what was your least favorite part of this episode? And why was it all of the teachers?

Kelli: I was SO upset about this. In the last episode I was so impressed with the handling of Max’s storyline, which included his relationship with this teacher and the BOUNDARIES that were established, and I really thought that the show was going to continue in the right direction with at least this one thing. But no, they decided to ruin it. And to be clear, I didn’t mind it terribly when it was just Max coming onto his teacher, because he is a teenager and he is clearly not handling things well at all, so it didn’t seem totally unrealistic that he would be behaving the way that he was. It’s the teacher’s decision to go along with it that really crosses the line for me. It’s not fun and scandalous and sexy, it’s just… weird and bad and wrong.

NOT TO MENTION the way this plays into negative stereotypes about gay men in particular, this idea that they just can’t stop themselves from having sex, even when these fucked up power dynamics are at play. Again, I was so pleasantly surprised by how they handled queer issues in the last episode, so this was genuinely disappointing to me. Up until this moment, this teacher has done almost everything right (or to the best of his ability as a human being to do things right), but then the writers decided to irreparably ruin this character. The only right thing for them to do at this point, in my opinion, is to have him immediately resign and move far away. I don’t want to see any more of this shit, and I certainly don’t want it to be portrayed as some kind of “love story.” 

As for my least favorite thing about this episode, it really was this whole Max/teacher thing, but my go-to answer in every single episode is, yes, the teachers in general. Tavi Gevinson is really giving Emma Watson a run for her money in the Eyebrow Acting category. For some reason we are supposed to be invested in her being a “real writer” and submitting a story to the Paris Review, but I genuinely could not care less about her career or her friendships with all of these other equally despicable teachers. GET A FUCKING LIFE. Also, they were all basically yelling about how they are Gossip Girl in front of one of the bartenders at this birthday party. Y’all need to exercise some restraint.

Emily: Additionally, it feels like these teachers are in an entirely different show from the rest of the cast. They actually act younger than their students, and their plotlines are severely underdeveloped. It’s sort of like a bad Disney show thrown in with a bad CW show. Do any of these teacher have lives outside of school? Do they do anything? Do they have relationships? Do they have sex? Because it certainly doesn’t feel like it. 

Kelli: I guess I’ll end by saying one thing I did like, which is that Aki officially comes out to Audrey as “liking both,” and Audrey is cool about it, and even apologizes for making it about her. I thought that was sweet, and I’m always down for more bi/pan representation in media, especially bi/pan dudes! I don’t know what this means for their relationship, of course, but they are both characters who I don’t completely hate watching every time they’re on screen, so that has to count for something.

Emily:  I would agree that Audrey and Aki’s storyline was the least annoying. I still feel like Audrey reads like a knock-off blonde Blair, and it doesn’t help that they named her “Audrey,” which only reminds me of Audrey Hepburn, whom Blair Waldorf loved. 

Kelli: Do you think there’s anything they can do in the next two episodes to turn this ship around before it crashes into a massive iceberg and sinks into the depths of the HBO Max back catalogue? I’m personally hoping for a Halloween episode, since this one took place in early October. Everyone loves a good Halloween episode.

Emily: I am jealous that these characters are in early October and I’m stuck here, squarely in the heat of August. Like it just seems totally unfair. But beyond that, yeah, a Halloween episode would be cool. I don’t know what else they can do. I’m open to being surprised, and I’m hopeful because I hate giving up on shows. But yeah. This show is bad. So, so bad. Like I don’t look forward to it. At all. 

Nonetheless, we’ll be here next week.