Bachelor Nation, this break between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette every year is always a long one. Monday nights have been a little less special, with a little less wine. But finally May is upon us, and so is Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette. We have never been so ready for something since the final season of Game of Thrones. So let’s get straight into judging the crop of men ABC has chosen for our girl.

Note: Our usual Bachelor recapper and superfan Susan is MIA because she’s in the middle of moving. But never fear. Our good friend Bonnie is back (your might remember her from judging the ladies of Colton’s season), and we also have a BONUS guest Chloe who is also here to share her thoughts, judgment, and disdain. Enjoy!

Emily: Honestly, I’m into how much he loves math and loves teaching. Enthusiasm is sexy. So even though his face reminds me of douchey dudes from past seasons, I’m willing to give him a chance.

Bonnie: I saw his face, and was like, nah. I read his bio, and was like, maybe. He sounds pretty great. No major negatives, but his name is Brian. This is not a good name in my personal experience. No offense to all the Brians out there. Except to the three that I’ve dated. Major offense to you guys.

Kelli: I agree that he sounds cool despite his “look.” He’s also a hometown southern boi so I feel like he will get far with Hannah. Not gonna lie, but I had to look up flag day. I’m sorry, but that’s BARELY a holiday. Also, June 14th makes him a Gemini, which… isn’t ideal.

Chloe: I love a good nerd. However, sometimes nerdy guys can be super arrogant and rude so let’s hope that’s not the case. I don’t hate his look, but he definitely looks like the kind of guy that couldn’t grow a full beard if he tried.

Mary: Flag day is not a holiday, Brian. Also, I’m all about loving teaching, but teaching at the high school you attended seems...unambitious?

Emily: I’m really tired of dudes saying The Notebook is their favorite movie because they think girls will think that’s sexy. The Notebook is not that great, and Ryan Gosling is way hotter now.

Bonnie: I feel like Hannah probably likes competitive guys, but I am so not into that. He plays instruments and allegedly likes The Notebook, so he probably thinks of himself as sensitive. Really he’s just a douche.

Kelli: This is the guy who white-rapped on After the Final Rose, and he’s the one Hannah gave her first rose to, so we know he’s sticking around for at least two episodes. I agree with you, Bonnie — when a dude counts competitiveness as one of his top characteristics, that basically screams toxic masculinity to me.

Chloe: Ugh, he is so cringey to me. This is the guy that walks around a college campus holding a sign that says “Free Hugs”.

Mary: Uh...he raps? I highly doubt that, and also, is it really bad? I’m with Chloe that he’s cringey and probably thinks he’s a lot cooler than he is.

Emily: He sounds like he’s actually the worst.

Emily: This is not a name.

Bonnie: I like that he drinks cocktails with his mom. That’s sweet.

Kelli: His mom was drinking cocktails when she came up with that name. He’s a pilot, though, which is kinda of cool.

Chloe: Chris Pratt vibes? Anyone else?

Mary: CHASEN?! What in the WORLD is that? A name?! Also, Chasen, hot tip, if you aren’t going to give a Tiffany necklace to your girlfriend, you can probably return it. I know those things aren’t cheap.

Bonnie: Not to gossip but, I heard Connor J is really boring, and definitely does not deserve a “sexy woman.”

Kelli: Yeah uh, his “special thing” is having manners? Pass.

Chloe: Newsflash, Connor J. Every female gossips.

Emily: I’m going to take that a step further and say every everyone gossips. Fight me.

Mary: Yeaaaaah, everyone gossips. Period. All folks. Also, hot take, I don’t like people opening doors and pulling out chairs for me all the time. I can do that on my own, thanksssss.

Emily: I hate to be like this, but he loves Justin Bieber, swam competitively, and he loves dancing to Spanish songs in the club… he might be gay.

Bonnie: When I was 24, finding someone to start the party with was very high on my priority list.

Kelli: I’m so confused about the way they phrased that Spanish fact. Why didn’t they just say “he doesn’t speak Spanish but enjoys Latin music?” Or, I don’t know, find a tidbit that tells us anything real about him? Also, “easy on the eyes” seems… generous.

Chloe: A self-proclaimed gentleman! I’ll believe it when I see it, Connor S.

Mary: I don’t trust whoever decided to say he LOVES Justin Bieber in all caps. That seems overboard? I hope he incorporates Justin Bieber into his limo entrance in some way.

Emily: He kind of looks like OJ Simpson. Also you’re from Atlanta, dude. Not Buckhead. Buckhead is not a city in Georgia. It’s a subdivision of Atlanta, and it’s like the douchiest area of the city, so… like, good for you I guess?

Bonnie: Maybe if he gets to hometowns he’ll take her to Lenox Mall. No one would ever say they were from Buckhead. NO ONE.

Emily: Thank you, Bonnie, who has also lived in Atlanta (and actually worked at Lenox Mall), for backing me up.

Kelli: He could be cute or really annoying; it’s hard to tell right now. He’s scared of spiders so Hannah will probably eat a spider in front of him or something since that’s her move.

Chloe: The words “giant teddy bear” are giving me some horrifying visuals right now.

Mary: Is Guitar Hero still a thing?? Also, yes Emily, Buckhead suuuuucks. They’re so stuck up, in my experience. I’m glad we’re all agreed on this. I do like that he’s a video game nerd! I doubt that’ll come into play, though.

Emily: He’s cute, and he’s friends with Wills, who is my husband, so he can stay.

Bonnie: Devin is cute, but one of his best friends is an 8 year old.

Kelli: Aw, he is probably a sweetie if he’s good friends with Wills. He doesn’t seem super interesting though since his whole profile is about how he likes having girlfriends.

Chloe: This guy has no shot. But he really does seem like a nice guy.

Mary: He seems really nice! I don’t know why they chose to lean so hard into his past relationships. That seems like a weird move, and I predict that they’ll try to dig up some “trauma” from those past relationships for a sad story on the show at some point.

Emily: Christmas is his favorite time of year because it reminds him of his childhood. How groundbreaking.

Kelli: Aw, I think he’s cute. He was also on ATFR, and I remember thinking he was real cute then too. Also he has a bulldog named Sophia. I stan.

Chloe: I love nose rings on dudes. And he has a sweet smile!

Mary: Me too, Chloe! The nose ring is nice, he seems like a good dude, loves his mom, and hey, who doesn’t love some Netflix?! I hope he stays in for a while.

Bonnie: He’s cute and has a dog, but he also works in real estate. I’m conflicted.

Kelli: “He is the co-founder of a fitness company that allows people to work out while donating food to those in need.” What does this even mean???

Chloe: “The majority of his friends are women”….. I can’t tell if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I’ve learned that if a guy is only friends with women, it’s because guys are annoyed by him or he’s a major fuckboy. Then again… I have mostly guy friends and I hope neither of those things are true about me. Yikes.

Emily: Sometimes a person’s friend group can be situational, but then you don’t go bragging about it, so… I don’t know. Tough call.

Mary: I hate to say it, but his smile creeps me out so much. That’s all I see.

Bonnie: Mary, I think you’re onto something. He’s gonna cook you dinner on his boat then push you into the ocean. Dexter vibes.

Emily: This guy gives me Dean vibes. He loves Alabama, so I think maybe he and Hannah will get along really well. Also, the most romantic city in the WORLD is Savannah??!! Dream bigger, dude.

Kelli: Oh wow, I definitely see the Dean. He probably thinks Savannah is romantic because you can drink the street.

Chloe: Whoa he DOES look like Dean! Okay, Garrett, here’s to being a better guy than Dean! Shouldn’t be too difficult.

Emily: Yeah Dean is… not great.

Mary: Savannah is...fine? It’s not great? Maybe he’s really into ghosties and likes going on ghost tours (while drinking, Kelli, I totally agree).

Bonnie: For Hannah, I’m sure he’s fine. Personally, this bio reads like my own personal hell. Does he ever leave the south? Golf, church football. Hard pass from me.

Emily: He’s unemployed. At least he’s honest, but… boy, bye.

Kelli: This guy has real villain potential. I wonder how he’s paying for all those white Russians.

Chloe: Does this dude have any redeeming qualities?

Mary: UGH. I don’t like him at all. Also, he thinks they’re all there for the wrong reasons, but doesn’t that mean him too? Is he going to call himself out? I hope he gets a villain edit for sure.

Bonnie: He’s an IRL troll who thinks PDA is romance. Bye.

Kelli: He lives with his parents, which is not ideal, but I guess he’s pretty successful with his surfing stuff so that’s cool? IDK, he’s kind of boring.

Chloe: Ah, the luxury to not only land your dream job, but to be dumb enough to quit your dream job. Hunter, you better be a damn good surfer.

Emily: So he quit his surfing job to… surf. I don’t get it, fam. Also, I guess he hosts these Bachelor viewing parties at his parents’ house, so really, aren’t his parents hosting?

Mary: He quit his dream job?! Uh. Nah, don’t go down that road, Hannah.

Bonnie: You don’t quit your dream job at the World Surfing League to surf. He also wants to start a creative agency. I don’t know. None this makes sense or adds up. So wish we had an older Bachelorette. All these 24 year old dudes are tiring.

Kelli: The last time we had a singer/songwriter from TN it was Lee, so the odds here aren’t great. I do like that he points out he was born in the same place as Dolly Parton though, because I love me some Dolly.

Emily: Yeah, I thought the Dolly reference was cute, but I hate singer/songwriters. Also, is Nicki Minaj’s rap in “Bottoms Up” really that hard? Color me unimpressed, white boy.

Chloe: She’s gonna like this one.. I can feel it. He’ll be around.

Mary: Can’t wait to hear all about his sad breakup. You know we’re gonna.

Bonnie: Aren’t failed relationships the bread and butter of singer/songwriters? I can’t wait to eye roll after finding out what happened.

Kelli: I feel like they’re trying to do Grocery Joe 2.0 with this dude and his family cardboard box business. Except he’s obsessed with Vegas, so like… sleazier.

Chloe: Joey Tribbiani is also Italian and named Joe. I’ll hang with this dude in honor of Joey Tribbiani, but for no reason other than that.

Emily: Yeah when he said how much he goes to Vegas, I was OUT.

Mary: What does it mean to be a Box King?! Also, it’s weird that several guys have mentioned grandbabies in their profiles. The dude does have good eyebrows though.

Bonnie: Gambling problem, Vegas, grand babies. NOT. THE. ONE.

Emily: Basically, Joey lied about having bungee jumped and sky-dived before so that he wouldn’t be forced to go on one of those dates.

Bonnie: Oh my God. Emily, you are so right. Well played Joey.

Kelli: I don’t understand his part. Where is it going? Why is it so slanted? Why is the hair next to it cut into bangs?

Chloe: Wait, I kinda like him! Well traveled, a little adventurous, learning to play an instrument… he’s living his best life. But the hair is distracting for sure.

Mary: The shaved in part seems like a wild choice to me.

Emily: This guy is going to be a crazy.

Kelli: Yikes. I have a feeling this is our new Jordan.

Chloe: Yeah, what kind of narcissist demands to be called all three of his names?

Mary: He seems like he was a child star plucked out of the 90s with that JTT hair. Who daydreams of their future wedding?!

Bonnie: He has definitely styled himself based on JTT. Like, JTT as an evil prince.

Emily: He loves sparklers… why? Like, LOVE?

Kelli: Sparklers are cool. Also, the person writing these bios keeps saying “the clubs” and it’s stressing me out. It’s THE CLUB, singular. God.

Chloe: LOL. “So, Jonathan, what are some of your passions in life?” “Well, Hannah, I’m glad you asked. I like really, really, love...sparklers.” *Hannah stares nervously*

Mary: Hey, sparklers are fun! Also, maybe he’s at the country club and the dancing club, Kelli---THE CLUBS.

Bonnie: He’s a self proclaimed perfectionist…..RUN.

Kelli: He’s a Harry Potter fan so we have to root for him. Plus, I really admire his job. What does it mean to love “too hard,” tho?

Chloe: I am here for this one. He loves HP, he’s a singer and musician, and has an amazing career. Let’s go, Kevin.

Emily: I always stan a Harry Potter fan. We have a BookSquadGoals fave. First impression rose goes to this dude.

Mary: Kevin looks like he’s wearing mascara. It’s cool that he loves Harry Potter, but (and don’t kill me here), that’s not an entire personality?

Bonnie: He won’t travel anywhere that doesn’t have a gym???? Sorry guys, Harry Potter can’t get me to overlook this massive flaw.

Emily: Bonnie and Mary are a couple of muggles.

Bonnie: Slytherin actually.

Emily: OMG you and Mary are both Slytherins. It all makes sense now.

Kelli: TIM TEBOW is his hero? I can’t.

Chloe: Oh no, I have a bad feeling about this one. He’s going to be hated in that house. But will stick around way too long because he probably fits Hannah’s mold.

Emily: So his entire personality is Jesus, and also apparently he gets bad gas on dates sometimes. That’s literally all I learned.

Mary: A “good Christian boy” is code for racist in a lot of towns. Also, what up, PEOPLE FART, LUKE.

Bonnie: Him and Garrett are like, my worst nightmares. No thanks. I mean, for Hannah I’m sure he’s fine. Just reading this bio made me die inside.

Kelli: I wish they would tell us what party he fundraises for. That’s important information to withhold, ABC.

Chloe: Okay, what? People say this kid looks like Nick Viall? I just want to take this time to formally apologize to Nick for everyone who has disrespected him in this way.

Emily: Yeah this was Baby Nick Viall, the dude who made a joke about oral sex on ATFR. I don’t care that he made a joke about oral sex. I care that he said he doesn’t USUALLY go down south. Like… Luke, listen to yourself, and stop.

Mary: He doesn’t not look like Nick! He looks like Dollar Store Nick.

Bonnie: If he doesn’t usually go down south, he can GTFO.

Kelli: More spider fear. Are we going to have a spider group date?

Chloe: He’s an Alabama fan. So, on their one-on-one date, they’re going to make toasts to each other like this: “Roll Tide, here’s to new beginnings, getting to know each other, and also Roll Tide.”

Emily: I have to say I’m kind of intrigued by the deaf parents thing. I feel like being raised in that type of environment would have to give a person a certain amount of empathy. Also, it surely ups the chances for him to make it to hometowns.

Mary: Old Matt Donald had a farm e-i-e-i-o. He seems boring to me, though I am interested in his experience with the deaf community. I feel like that might get overshadowed by his obsession with roll tiding.

Bonnie: Matt Donald does not know what love is.

Kelli: This sperm donor thing reminds me of that episode of SVU with John Stamos where he played a serial impregnator. Also - is he familiar with the concept of volunteer firefighting?

Chloe: This dude must have unbelievably potent sperm.

Emily: YASS I’m loving all these boys reppin’ Atlanta. Atlanta’s like the Denver of Becca’s season. I am into it.

Mary: I wonder how Hannah will feel about the sperm donation thing? I mean, he has to have some motivation for it, doesn’t he? I just wonder what the story is there.

Bonnie: I like that he grew up all over the world. That’s cool. Graduated from Tech, so he can’t be a total idiot. He seems ok. Sperm donor thing doesn’t bother me, but feel like it would bother Hannah.

Kelli: He weirdly reminds me of Ricky Gervais. “Into the ink?” Again: who wrote this?

Chloe: Yes! I can’t get past how strange the phrase “into the ink” is. It’s not Matthew’s fault that whoever wrote this bio can’t use words.

Emily: Growing up on a winery seems cool. I’m drinking wine right now.

Mary: Can we talk about how he has a sister who is 20 years younger than him? Again, what is the story there! Also, whoever wrote this has clearly never watched the show before. There’s too much wildness to have everyone’s body be a temple.

Bonnie: His family owns a winery AND an auctioneering business? Someone’s fancy.

Kelli: So, he’s going to be skydiving.

Chloe: This guy is so interesting. Been to over 30 countries, a veteran, “enjoys Krav Maga” (I had to google that--apparently it’s a military self-defense system). Wants to learn MANDARIN of all languages. What a cool dude. Can Hannah keep up?

Emily: I want to date him.

Mary: Dem eyebrows thoooo. Who wants to bet they go on a date where they eat something weird so Hannah can show her bravery and he can show his worldliness?

Bonnie: I hope we get to see him attempt some parkour.

Kelli: This guy is so boring that one of his facts is his grandmother’s name.

Chloe: I’m not lying when I tell you that I read his bio and literally cringed at the overwhelming optimism: "you should live this life always expecting something great is about to happen to you" is his life motto. Um, no, thanks, Peter, I’ll be here fearing the worst in every situation while failing to manage my existential dread.

Emily: This just tells me nothing has ever happened to Peter, good or bad. Also, yeah, my grandmother’s name is Lois. Fun fact.

Mary: *yawn* My grandmother’s name is Dorothy and that is a fun fact about me.

Bonnie: He’s 27. He should have better fun facts by now.

Kelli: I’m sorry, what is a “roller boy?” Why can’t people just say their actual job titles? This guy is a data analyst for women’s healthcare, which is really fucking cool, but no — ROLLER BOY.

Emily: This guy will go home night one. Calling it now. I just don’t see him vibing with Hannah B. WAIT, I guess we just call her Hannah now? WHAT ARE THE RULES??

Chloe: I agree, Emily. Roller boy won’t last. Which is sad, I really wanted to get to the bottom of this roller boy business. Maybe they will at least give us that. Just a simple explanation will do.

Mary: What is a roller boy?? Honestly, I’m mostly excited that he’s scared of birds. Can there please be a bird date.

Bonnie: He sounds ok. Maybe he’ll make it through one round just so they can make him go on a bird date.

Kelli: “Just for fun, Scott once ran in a circle around the mall food court, acting like a flying chicken.”

Emily: I don’t see how that’s fun. Also, being good to date because you have a job and friends and a family is A LOW BAR. Like, cool, you’re normal.

Chloe: This guy clearly prides himself on being a complete ass.

Mary: Kris...Jenner? Also, saying he has a “real job and friends” sounds like what a robot or alien might say to convince you they’re human.

Bonnie: Are they real friends though???? ARE THEY????

Kelli: If he sticks around, there will be drama about how he’s never introduced his family to anyone and therefore is not “ready” for this commitment.

Emily: He’s really smiling with his eyes in this picture. Tyra Banks would be proud. But for real, he has a nice smile. That’s… all I got.

Chloe: YES he’s smizing for sure.

Mary: Definite smize. Not sure that there are any interesting tidbits in his bio though.

Bonnie: Are “clubs” different from “the clubs?”

Kelli: This man willingly lives in Jupiter, Florida. I’m shook.

Emily: “Don’t let Tyler C.’s good looks fool you.” Is he good looking? I guess I’ll have to see him in motion.

Chloe: AGAIN with the skydiving. I guess all the guys who mentioned it will be going on a skydiving group date. I’m here for it.

Mary: He looks like one of the rich jerks on Bravo’s Southern Charm, but I can’t completely determine which one. That is not a compliment.

Bonnie: I like that he has a rescue dog and goes scuba diving, but that’s it. I feel like he would murder me if this was a black and white movie.

Kelli: The fact that this guy has a side business in something as bizarre as Dream Therapy Analysis makes me think he is probably Hannah B.’s perfect match.

Emily: He’s kinda giving me Ben Z. vibes but obviously he’s not nearly as cute. As soon as I read that he avoids going to clubs at all costs and prefers “reading, going to Soul Cycle or relaxing on his boat,” I was all in. That sounds great.

Chloe: “Adheres to a strict Keto diet.” Sighhhhh…. My *favorite* part about people who follow fad diets is that they feel like they have to tell everyone. Can’t wait to see him make a huge deal about it!

Mary: He doesn’t look like he was ready for his picture to be taken. I want someone to come to me for dream analysis. I love talking about dreams.

Bonnie: Self imposed strict diet. Bye. But I am curious to see his dream analysis skills incorporated into their first conversation.

How do you feel about Hannah’s crop of men? Let us know in the comments! See you next week for recaps!