Well, Bachelor Nation, it finally happened: the fence jump heard ‘round the world. That, and Hannah G. gets the shaft in this episode, and we don’t mean the D. What made this “most dramatic episode” so dramatic? Let’s get to it.

Susan: Welcome back, guest recapper Kelli!

Kelli: Hello, one and all.

Susan: Emily is on her honeymoon in Australia, so Kelli is here repping team Drowning in Bitches. [We should note that this episode is a points contest between Tayshia (Here to Make Cocktails) and Cassie (Drowning in Bitches) because my girl Hannah G. is in the episode for less than 30 seconds.]

Kelli: Poor Hannah G. Like, does she get to be on the show at all anymore?

This episode picks up right where we left off last week, with Chris Harrison mysteriously pulling Colton aside to talk. I didn’t even remember this happening, but I guess it happened. The three remaining women are left in an awkward position, all standing around together in near-silence with their ‘This Means Sex’ roses while they probably imagine what each other are like in bed.

Susan: The Three Fates speculate about the topic of conversation. Is he asking Chris how to use a condom?

Kelli: Chris says, “This is gonna change your life forever. And it’s gonna change their lives forever.” Is it, though?

Susan: Being the Bachelor is a sweet gig. Colton gets to go to both Asia and Europe for the first time in a two-month period. I’m suuuuper jealous of this Portugal trip. Dream vacation.

Kelli: I like how Colton gave a Wikipedia entry description of Portugal before saying, “I’ve never been to Europe!”

Susan: We get recaps of each girl and their “journeys” with Colton. Come on, ABC. Give us what we really want: awkward fantasy suite talk.

Kelli: My boyfriend labeled this montage: “Love in the Time of MAGA.”

Susan: Tayshia is up first. She does a run and jump for 5 points.

Kelli: I got really excited when I realized she was first, because for weeks I’ve been saying that Tayshia would be the one to take Colton’s virginity since their entire storyline has been about ~trust.~ I ended up being wrong, but at this point in the night I was pretty stoked on my correct prediction.

Susan: I’m not at all surprised when Colton reveals they’re getting in a helicopter because these two can’t go on a date that doesn’t take place a few thousand feet in the air. They talk about -- I shit you not -- PORTUGAL’S MAIN EXPORTS. Guys, this is hot, hot, hot.

Kelli: Nothing gets me wet like trade agreements.

Susan: Tayshia says Portugal exports olive oil, and Colton says -- again, I shit you not -- EXTRA VIRGIN olive oil. He might as well have winked with a little ding sound. For someone who is tired of people talking about his virginity, he sure talks about it a lot.

Kelli: After the helicopter, they sit on a cliff overlooking the city, and Colton asks Tayshia to make a toast. 3 points to Tayshia for, you know, actually making a toast. I’m looking at you, Hannah B(ama). Anyway, Tayshia thanks Colton for bringing her on this date, even though she is clearly freezing her ass off in a very light leather jacket as gale force winds whip around them.

Susan: Colton makes yet another virgin joke about how the reason he isn’t flexible enough to sit comfortably on a jagged rock is probably because he’s a virgin. Does he think when a person has sex they automatically become a more flexible person? Are yogis like giant sluts  in his mind? I’m so confused.

Kelli: I don’t know, but the way he delivered the line “I’m not very flexible, it’s probably because I’m a virgin” had me in tears.

Susan: At dinner, Tayshia tells Colton he is on nipple patrol because her boob tape is not holding up. 3 points for this realness. She has a nip slip and Colton sees it, and this is the most action Tayshia is probably gonna get, unfortunately.

Kelli: I was really surprised that things didn’t go further once they got to the fantasy suite, because at dinner the sexual tension was PALPABLE. It was very clear that Tayshia thought they were going to fuck, and it seemed like Colton thought they would too, based on how nervous he was.

During dinner, Tayshia informs Colton that her first time was with her husband after they got married. I would like to point out that in my notes, I wrote: “Tayshia reveals she was a virgin when she first had sex.” To be fair to me, this is also factually correct.

She also tells Colton that a year and a half into their marriage, her husband “went outside of their marriage” and cheated on her. It seems like she’s really reevaluated her ideas about sex outside of marriage since that happened, which makes me think that perhaps she and her husband realized they weren’t particularly sexually compatible? Either way, 5 points to Tayshia for sharing a sad story this late in the game! Usually the reveals are over at this point.

Finally, Emily wanted me to note that the fantasy suite card looked like a child wrote it, and I have to agree. It looked like my handwriting when I was in the 6th grade and trying to make my letters extra bubbly and cute. They might as well have dotted every ‘i’ with a heart.

Susan: Inside the fantasy suite, they have very sexy conversation, including: “Here’s some chairs for coffee.” Guys, that’s a real quote.

Kelli: There’s a lot of weird foreplay going on. They pop a bottle of champagne, and as the foam spurts everywhere Colton says, “DAMN,” much like he will if he ever gets around to having sex. I wonder which producer gave that bottle a few good shakes to ensure it would seem extra ejaculation-y.

Susan: The music gets weird. It’s like, suspenseful?

Kelli: It’s suspenseful, but also kind of like Christmas music? It reminded me of the Nutcracker. (Get it?)

Susan: The morning looks really awkward. Tayshia calls the night “interesting.” Yikes. She also says they didn’t have the physical intimacy that she wanted. So no sex. But let’s speculate on what we think they did do, especially since Colton assures everyone he’s done “other stuff.”

Kelli: I interpreted that comment to mean, “I’m going to eat her pussy real good.”

Susan: OK are you seventeen, Colton? Whatever, Tayshia gets 2 points for the making out that we see.

Kelli: Yeah, I was pretty surprised that they didn’t actually have sex, because I was expecting them to after all of the jokes and foreplay and making out. My new prediction is that Colton isn’t going to have sex on the show at all, which is maybe a good move, because it’s kind of weird to lose your virginity ON the Bachelor.

Susan: It feels pretty clear at this point that Tayshia is not The One, and she seems to know it too. Anyone else just want to get to the fence jump already?

Kelli: I feel sad for Tayshia, and I really admire her for how incredibly calm and collected she manages to be in a situation like this. I’m going to give her 3 points for not crying, not even as she utters the words “I’m on the brink of an emotional breakdown.”

Susan: Time for Cassie’s date. Colton is so obvious with how much he likes Cassie more than everyone else. He can’t stop touching her. He’s hoping that after today, she can “get there” in terms of her feelings for him. Oh, no. This is gonna go poorly, isn’t it?

Kelli: Watching Colton and Cassie on their date is seriously close to Arie-and-Lauren levels of boring. I can’t remember a single thing they said to each other or about each other during the montage of them wandering around the city, and I didn’t write down anything either. I did make a note of the fact that Colton put an octopus hat on Cassie’s head, and because I’m now trained to assume everything on this show is a sexual innuendo: was that supposed to represent a pussy? 3 points for making out in an alley, I guess.

Also, I want to include a fun quote from my roommate.

Colton: Did you have an idea of what Portugal would be like?

Cassie: I had no idea at all!

My roommate, in *extremely Cassie voice*: I have no ideas ever!

Susan: They sit down to drink wine and talk, and Colton reveals that he asked for her dad’s blessing and did not get it.

Kelli: Wh...wh...WHAT???!??!!?!?!!?

Susan:This is the exact moment things take a turn. Cassie is upset Colton didn’t tell her sooner, but then Colton says it won’t stop him from pursuing her anyway. So why did he “need” the blessing so badly then?

Kelli: This was very confusing to me. He has gone on and on about how crucial the blessing is, but when he doesn’t get it he’s like, ‘oh well’? I feel like this would have been something he’d use as an excuse to send any other girl home, but with Cassie he doesn’t give a fuck because he’s obsessed with her. The weirdest thing is that like, I’m glad he will still marry her without the blessing, because getting a father’s permission for his daughter’s hand in marriage is bullshit anyway, but the inconsistency of Colton’s value system is annoying.

Susan: Cassie spirals into confusion. Her ITMs are basically just her saying, “I’ve never been so confused” and “I’ve never been so conflicted.” Meanwhile, Colton’s are like, “I have no doubts.” Oh, honey.

Kelli: She seems both mad and disappointed that her dad didn’t give his approval, like his hesitation was a personal slight against her and not based on valid concerns. Which, again — it is not his place to give permission — but I can completely understand why someone’s family would be extremely skeptical about an engagement via the Bachelor.

Susan: Then shit really goes off the rails when Cassie’s DAD shows up to Portugal. Ok, ABC travel budget. We see you.

Kelli: When Cassie’s dad stepped out of the car, I seriously didn’t even notice that it was him instead of Colton. The only thing that clued me in was the fact that my boyfriend literally shrieked beside me.

I’m kind of annoyed, because long ago I predicted that Cassie’s ex-boyfriend was going to show up and take her away. I was SO CLOSE to being right!

Susan: So basically he’s here to tell Cassie he thinks an engagement would be a bad idea, and also to low-key audition for his Bravo! reality show about being the patriarch of a very hot, blonde, Christian family.

Kelli: 2 points to Cassie for crying about her dad showing up, and negative a million points for how boring and long this conversation is.

Susan: It feels like Cassie was maybe looking for a way out of this, and her dad’s conversation gives her the push she needs to realize she needs to go. Because I think Colton could have talked her into staying if she hadn’t had this conversation. She seems super susceptible to other people’s influence.

Kelli: I agree. And honestly, her dad has a lot of valid points. He tells her that if she’d been totally crazy about Colton and 100% certain that he was the person for her, their reaction as a family would have been different — and it’s true, Cassie was already starting to have doubts during hometowns. Earlier in the season, she seemed completely smitten with Colton, so I’m surprised that things are going down this way.

Susan: Cassie says in her ITM that he has to be really honest with Colton tonight. This is going to really suck for him. I don’t like him as the lead, but I learned last season with the uncut Arie/Becca debacle that I really, really don’t like watching breakups. They’re too real.

Kelli: I think the worst part is watching the moment when the other person realizes they’re getting broken up with. There’s a little glimmer of hope that just dies on their face, and no matter who it is, it is deeply painful to watch. It’s particularly bad the way the Bachelor edits together Cassie’s uncertainty with Colton’s excitement, and it definitely echoes the Arie/Becca breakup in how little he expects what’s coming. He’s lighting SEX CANDLES.

Susan: They sit down for dinner, and Colton clearly thinks they are going to bang tonight and Cassie will reciprocate his feelings. He tells her again that the lack of dad’s blessing won’t change how he feels, and she’s like, “I thought you’d be more upset.” This tactic just seems like a way for her to not take responsibility for her own feelings but still bring up this conversation she needs to have.

Kelli: I hated watching this, because I hate watching people pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t. There’s the moment when Colton realizes what’s happening, and Cassie is just clutching his hand and pressing her palm against her forehead, and it’s completely silent for like ten full seconds as understanding dawns on his face. (Understanding, I’d like to note, that COULD have dawned on him like 10 times already when every single girl leaving warned him that Cassie wasn’t ready for this.)

Susan: The most painful part: Cassie says, “I love you so much,” but then immediately follows it with “But I’m not in love, you know what I mean?” You can practically hear Colton’s heart shatter into a million bits. I’m not giving her any “I love you” points here because this isn’t an actual declaration of love. Sorry not sorry.

Kelli: The other most painful part: Colton says something like “I want you and no one else,” and she replies, “that’s sweet.” Y i k e s. He asks her if she was planning on leaving tonight, and she says yes. When she gets up to walk away, the camera person has clearly been sitting there for so long that they jolt too quickly into action and drop the camera on the ground. It’s very dramatic.

Susan: She leaves the room and is talking to a producer about how confused she is. Colton brings her back inside, and I’m pretty sure she’s gonna stay at this point. The craziest thing about this whole exchange is that Colton just entirely abandons the premise of the show and tells her 1) he loves her (25 points), 2) he wants it to be her at the end no matter what, 3) he has a hard time going on dates with the other women when all he thinks about is her, and 4) he doesn’t care about the show and will pursue her outside of it.

I mean, go ahead and wrap up filming now because WTF do they even have to do next week?

Kelli: I really want to know how many minutes this exchange was in full, but I’m too lazy to go back and look. The whole thing went on for an incredibly long time, because Cassie is too afraid to just say “this is over” or “I’m leaving,” and instead allows Colton to continue to try to convince her to stay even though she’s clearly already made up her mind. They stand up, they sit back down, they stand up again. He shakes a lot, and she tells him to stop shaking. He tells her he can be as patient as she needs him to be, and that they don’t even have to get engaged at the end if that’s not what she wants. He doesn’t seem to realize that her main concern is him choosing her because she’s not sure if she wants to be with him at all.

Susan: I felt like throughout this whole thing she kept trying to say “this is best for you” and it took her a really long time to finally say, “I feel like staying here would be making the wrong decision for me.” That’s 5 points for self-elimination.

Kelli: Finally.

Susan: She says a couple of cringeworthy things. First, she tells Colton, “I want you to be so happy. I want you to be with someone who is insanely in love with you.” Fucking OUCH. He says, “That breaks my heart.”

Kelli: You know, someone in love with you the way I’m like, super not.

Susan: Then she says, “Are you mad at me?” and she’s never been more 23 than she is in that moment. If I was feeling extra petty, I’d subtract points for this dumbass question.

Kelli: But like, stupid questions are Bachelor currency, aren’t they? I say we give her 2 points.

Susan: She finally shows some real emotion in the car and cries. 2 points.

Kelli: Is it time?

Susan: IT’S FINALLY TIME. Colton has lost. it. He goes to his room, and we hear him say he’s “done with this” on a hot mic. Then he storms out, pushes a camera, knocks some shit off a table, and yes: jumps the motherfucking fence, y’all! Cassie gets 20 points for being the driving force behind this jump.

Kelli: YASS!!!!!!!

Susan: It’s truly a feat of athleticism. It’s like one fluid motion. I give it a 9.8

Kelli: We have seen this clip so, so many times, but seeing it play out in real time was just as satisfying as I hoped it would be. I cannot even begin to fathom how he did that, physically.

Susan: Production is like “Oh, shit.” A producer yells, “Someone get Chris” as if Chris Harrison can do anything about this. Then Chris delivers my second all-time favorite Chris Harrison line in a perfect monotone: “He just jumped the fucking fence.”

Kelli: Does Chris Harrison ever curse on this show? I haven’t been watching for as long as you and Emily have, but was so wild to see Chris acting like an actual human being instead of Bachelor HostBot. He is actually at a loss here.

Susan: The only other time I can remember really — and this isn’t really a “curse” — is when he delivered mine and Emily’s first-place all-time favorite Chris Harrison line: “You told everybody this hotel last night to suck a dick.”

Susan: Then he’s like, “Is there a button to open the gate?” because we know Chris is not about to replicate that jump.

Kelli: Eventually, they get the gate open, and Chris walks out to try to find Colton. His approach is to call Colton’s name repeatedly, and then to WHISTLE into the night, as though Colton is literally a dog who will respond to auditory commands.

Susan: Colton takes off his mic and just literally runs away into the darkness. There is no other way to describe this. Producers just blindly run in every direction only to conclude: he is gone.

Kelli: “Holy shit. He is gone.” - Chris Harrison, or should I say, CURSE Harrison. (Sorry.)

Susan: The credit sequence is so weird because the tone shifts from very dramatic to lighthearted and I was not prepared for it. Tayshia is making Colton try different fruits, and he looks confounded by all the new tastes.

Kelli: 2 points to Tayshia for knowing what dried fruit is.

Susan: She says she doesn’t like nuts, and Colton is like, “Oh, you don’t?” in his weird innuendo voice. So like… we watched that breakup and now we’re supposed to laugh at this weird blowjob joke? I’m lost, ABC. Give me something to hold on to.

Kelli: Honestly, like… what happens next? What I predict is that Cassie will come back after second-second-guessing herself and they’ll end up together, because if they don’t… Colton is going to be forced to choose either Tayshia or Hannah, who will both VERY MUCH KNOW that they were not his first choice. The other option is that he doesn’t propose to anyone, which will be, much like Colton in the fantasy suites, anti-climactic.

Superlatives

Most Athletic: Colton and his fence jump

Most Abandoned: Hannah G.

Most Disappointed: Tayshia

Best Line of the Season: “He just jumped the fucking fence.”

Worst Virgin Joke: The olive oil one

Most Likely to Change Her Mind: Cassie

Point Totals

HERE TO MAKE COCKTAILS
Hannah G. - 0 (wtf)
Tayshia - 21

Total: 21
Previous Weeks’ Total: 556
Total Total: 577
~~~
DROWNING IN BITCHES
Cassie - 59

Total: 59
Previous Weeks’ Total: 412
Total Total: 530

It’s gonna be a photo finish next week, y’all! But first, we’ll see you tomorrow for the Women Tell All Recap!