Ooo boy… it’s panserbjørne time!

But before we get there… I have one quick thing to say. I just read that His Dark Materials is meant to cover the three books of the series in two 8 episode seasons. Say what? I feel… unsure about this decision. Here I was thinking we’d get about one season per book. But no, we’re just going to get this thing done, huh? I guess that explains the pacing (and the additional storylines that take us into book 2 territory) thus far. But still, I was really liking the parts of the story that the television show was adding. Hearing that they are cramming three books into two seasons means less room to do some of that additional world-building.

Oh well. It is what it is. I guess let’s talk about what happened this week. And let’s meet some armored bears, yeah?

Let’s start from the top. For all of you Hamilton fans (or Moana fans… holla at ya girl) who were wondering when Lin Manuel Miranda was finally going to show up, here he is.

I watched an interview with Miranda on The Daily Show, because The Daily Show is my shit. On it, Miranda was talking about how excited he was to be a part of the show because he loves the series so much. He also seemed a little bit baffled to be asked to be a part of the show. If you know anything about the character he’s playing, Lee Scoresby, you might know why Miranda didn’t think he was first in line for this particular role.

If you haven’t read the books, here’s a little info on Pullman’s Lee Scoresby. He was partially modeled after actor Lee Van Cleef, who was mostly known for starring is Spaghetti Westerns. Scoresby is a Texan aeronaut, and as the resident American of the series, he sort of embodies everything that America stereotypically means for people. He’s loud, rough and tumble, prioritizes individuality and independence, and you get the idea. In other words, he’s the quintessential cowboy.

To me, Miranda doesn’t scream “cowboy,” but overall, I like the surprising casting choice here. Miranda’s Texan accent is uneven AF, but otherwise, he’s bringing a lot of nuance to this character.

And of course, because it’s Lin Manuel Miranda, we’re introduced to Scoresby in a scene in which he sings harmony with his rabbit Daemon while flying in his hot air balloon. As we were watching this, Ben told me this is why I need a daemon, so I have someone to harmonize with. He’s not wrong.

Anyway, Lee Scoresby is on the hunt for a panserbjørne by the name of Iorek Byrnison (what did I tell you about this series and calling people by their full names? It goes for bears too). Lee arrives in Trollesund because he gets the idea that the bear he’s looking for is there. And he asks none other than Dudley Dursley from Harry Potter (YES REALLY) where he can find the bear. In true Dudley style, Dudley is a total turd and doesn’t help Lee at all.

Also arriving in Trollesund at the same time? Lyra and her Gyptian crew. Lyra Belacqua is serving us that Padding Bear REALNESS this afternoon. Get it, girl. Dress like everyone’s favorite stuffed bear. We see you.

But for real. She’s just walking around town gazing into her alethiometer. I’m assuming a lot of people know what that is, right? Like, be more discreet. That shit is illegal. It takes Farder Coram a good few walks around the block before he’s like, “Oh yeah, maybe you shouldn’t just whip that out in the middle of town square.” I’ll say it again: how did she stay in a college for so many years and still turn out so dumb (sometimes)?

Lee might be in town looking for an armored bear, but Farder Coram, Lyra, and crew are on the hunt for a witch called Serafina Pekkala (FULL NAME ONLY, PLZ).

So Farder Coram and Lyra track down Dr. Lanselius, the witch consul, and dude is like, “Yes, Farder Coram, I know you and S.P. used to bone. We all know.” Dr. Lanselius has a lot of info to drop on on heroes. Namely, he knows where the Gobblers are taking the kids and he’s heard tell of what they’re doing to them. It’s some sort of procedure called “intercision.”

He also asks to look at the alethiometer. I would have said, “Naw,” but Lyra’s like, “Here you go.” Lyra proves to Dr. Lanselius that she knows how to read the alethiometer by finding the sprig of cloud pine that belongs to everyone’s favorite witch Serafina Pekkala. Everyone is very impressed with Lyra’s skills.

Before they go, Lyra asks Lyra asks Dr. Lanselius, “What should we be asking you that we aren’t?” Which is such a good question. I’m going to start asking everyone that.

Dr. Lanselius tells them that they’re going to need some muscle behind them and suggest they seek out Iorek Byrnison. Would you look at that? Storylines colliding. Lyra finds the bear and is very sassy with him. Nevertheless, Iorek doesn’t agree to go with them. But he also doesn’t kill her. So it’s not a total loss.

Back in bad guy land, Mrs. Coulter pays a visit to the Magisterium. All of the guards on duty have the same guard dog daemon, which I found very disturbing. Also disturbing: Mrs. Coulter is still smacking around that poor golden monkey. Seriously, I never felt sorry for this monkey when I was reading the books. I definitely didn’t feel sorry for him when watching The Golden Compass. But wow. This poor monkey.

The Magisterium is once again not happy with Mrs. Coulter. This time, they’re pissed that she raided Jordan College, which is against the rules because of Scholastic Sanctuary. Mrs. Coulter gives no fucks. She says, “Whatever, I have captured Lord Asriel.” They are v impressed.

While we’re at the magisterium, we get to see their alethiometer and the sad dude who sits there and tries to translate it for weeks at a time. Meanwhile, our girl Lyra is reading her alethiometer like it was a Dr. Seuss book. Easy peasy. Mrs. Coulter has a question she wants to ask the alethiometer. It’s a pretty simple one with a potentially complicated answer: “Who is Lyra Belacqua?”

Back in Trollesund, Farder Corum tells Lyra about his past with Serafina Pekkala. They had a son together and he died. Basically it tore them apart. Some highlights (highlights? lowlights?) of what he tells Lyra: “There was an epidemic… there was nothing we could do. And she wanted to rip the world apart… I wanted to mourn in peace. I haven’t seen her since.” This part was very emotional. I may have cried.

And in a scene that is new to the show, Lee Scoresby gets into a bar fight and steals a bunch of watches and other trinkets. I thought this scene was a little strange, especially since he goes back to the bar and chills later. At least his daemon Hester comments on it. She’s like, “why would you want to hang out in a bar with a bunch of people who KNOW you stole stuff from them?” Awkward.

Anyway, Lyra runs into Lee and is like “whatchu want with my bear?” I’m confused because it seemed really easy to find Iorek, so then why is Lee having such a hard time finding him? Lee tries to negotiate with Farder Corum instead of Lyra, but Farder Corum is having none of it because #feminism.

Next up: Serafina’s daemon comes to deliver a message to Farder Corum. She doesn’t want war, but she will support him in whatever he decides to do. 

From past romances to potential young flirtation, we move to Lyra and Tony Costa. Is that just me? Are we seeing flirtations here? I mean, they’re star-gazing together. Lyra sees a city in the Northern Lights and is all, “OMG WHAT’S THAT? IS THAT A CITY?” Girl, were you not paying attention when your father explained all of this, like, three episodes ago? YOU WERE THERE.

And Lee… FINALLY FINDS HIS BEAR. It’s been three years since they’ve seen each other. If you want to hear more about their adventures, you can read all about it in Pullman’s prequel Once Upon A Time in the North. They’ve seen things.

Lee feels that he owes a debt to Iorek so he goes to Dudley Dursley and asks for Iorek’s armor back. In a nutshell, Lee won Iorek’s armor in a bet and so now it belongs to him. Therefore, it wasn’t Dudley’s to take. Dudley is having none of this. Because he’s Dudley and he still sucks.

Meanwhile… dun dun dun… Mrs. Coulter and her monkey are traveling north. It’s clear she and the Magisterium have something to do with Iorek’s imprisonment. She tells the monkey she’s perfectly prepared, which as far as I can tell means she got herself a new fancy winter hat. Werq.

Word has gotten to the Gyptians that Asriel has been captured. Farder Corum tells Lyra and tells her they’re not interested in the bear anymore. Word on the street is that Iorek Byrnison is a drunk and can’t be trusted. But Lyra takes one quick look at her alethiometer and knows all of that is a bunch of lies. Iorek was tricked into getting drunk so they could steal his armor. Feel bad for this bear.

I’m not sure I understand why Lyra decides to do this, but she tracks down Lee Scoresby, tells him they want to hire him, eats all his bacon, and then leaves. I mean, it’s a baller move, but why? Lemme know in the comments. It’s been a while since I read the book.

Let’s get back to the bear, right? Lyra finds Iorek and tells him she knows where his armor is (because she asked the alethiometer). Iorek says, “I will come with you but I have a right to take vengeance.” She’s like, “that… seems fair. But only if they try to hurt you.”

Alright but… IOREK IS PISSED. AND RIGHTFULLY SO.

Now fully armored, Iorek is on the rampage. He nearly kills Dudley but Lyra tells him not to. Ugggh whyyyy thooough.

The Gyptians are still not sure they want this bear, but Lyra tells Farder Coram Iorek will be a great help to them. She says he’s been tricked and mistreated just like the Gyptians have always been. So basically, he’s a Gyptian. Just like she’s practially a Gyptian. The Gyptians are probably thinking, “Lyra, you’ve got to stop calling everyone Gyptians. It’s not cool.” But what do I know?

By the way, what’s Mrs. Coulter up to? She’s looking for the panserbjørne king Iofur Raknison. Turns out the panserbjørne are holding Lord Asriel hostage. Iofur is really into human stuff, so Mrs. Coulter knows how to get him to do what she wants. She tells him she wants to baptize him and have him be part of the Magisterium. In exchange, she wants to make sure Asriel’s laboratory is destroyed and his research is erased. 

And… that’s where we leave off this week. Lee Scoresby and Iorek Byrnison are joining the crew of goodies, and on team baddy we have the addition of Iofur Raknison. It’s about to go down.