Remember last week when I said each episode of His Dark Materials is its own genre? Yeah, this is the prison escape movie episode.

Unlike previous episodes where we jump around to check in on multiple storylines, the majority of this episode goes down in Bolvangar, the far north research facility where the Magisterium experiments on children. Yes, it’s as terrible as it sounds, and it’s a place that has been teased the entire season. So it makes sense that we’re stuck here for an episode. Like Lyra, we’re trapped in this place and are forced to reckon with exactly how awful it is. I’m just going to come out and say it. This was a really good episode. I got emotional. So let’s just get to it.

Once Lyra enters Bolvangar, it doesn’t take her very long to be reunited with her BFF Roger. Thank goodness. They talk through their daemons and decide they have to pretend they don’t know each other. As they’re sitting at dinner (at very different, very separate tables), the adults barge in and ask to see Bridget. All the kids know what this means. Bridget and her cute little rabbit daemon are going to the intercision machine. I don’t want anything bad to happen to that rabbit. Is it weird that my first thought is of the rabbit and not the child?

Anyway, the adults at Bolvangar continue to poke and prod Lyra as well. They take pictures of her with a machine that they say is used to “measure” stuff, but Lyra gets what it is almost immediately. She tells them they must be looking for dust, because she can’t help but be a bratty know-it-all. But she quickly catches herself when the adults seem disturbed that she knows about dust at all. She says, “I wash regularly. You won’t find any dust on me.”

While Lyra is getting her picture taken, an alarm goes off and they all have to exit. One of the children says this always happens when one of them has been taken. As they all exit the building, Lyra uses this opportunity to create a distraction by starting a snowball fight. See, sometimes it pays to be a total brat.

She and Roger use this opportunity to run off and explore the facility. They find an area where the adults are holding the daemons who no longer are attached to their humans. The container for Billy Costa’s daemon Ratter is empty, because daemons disappear when their humans die. It’s a sad moment when we’re reminded that a cute little wide-eyed child has died because of these experiments. Roger says, “If the daemons are alive, where are the children?” And then they see them… the kids are being contained in a room where they sit around and stare at nothing, muttering to themselves, like zombies. It’s truly horrifying.

QUICK BREAK HERE TO CHECK ON WILL PARRY! This is the only time we’ll see Will, and he’s chilling in bed watching a YouTube video of his dad John Parry, just in case we weren’t sure who his dad was. He’s played by Hot Priest AKA Andrew Scott.

BACK TO BOLVANGAR! Mrs. Coulter has arrived to check on her little project. Lyra knows her mother is there and asks for the other children to help hide her from Mrs. Coulter.

Mrs. Coulter checks on the experiments… erm, I mean the kids. Meanwhile, Lyra hides under the bed and tries not to draw the attention of the evil golden monkey. After Mrs. Coulter leaves, Lyra tries to make a run for it… but y’all. It does not work out.

As she’s running away, the adults grab her daemon and this is when I started crying. Because when you mess with Pan, you mess with me. Lyra and Pan get thrown into the machine, and things get very emotional. Pan turns into a beautiful arctic fox just because I need to cry harder. Lyra is screaming. Everything is terrible. Lyra starts crying out that she knows Mrs. Coulter and Mrs. Coulter wouldn’t want this. But adults are dumb and they’re like, “How does she know Mrs. Coulter? Oh well. Carry on.”

Thankfully, Mrs. Coulter arrives before they flip the switch and she shuts down the whole machine. And this is when you realize just how truly terrible she is as a human being. She knows how awful what she’s doing is, because if she didn’t, she wouldn’t mind if it happened to her own daughter.

After Mrs. Coulter saves Lyra from the machine, she takes her daughter back to her quarters (or office? something) to have a nice cup of chamomile which she swears is DEFINITELY NOT POISONED and to have a little chat. A lot of this chat is important, so let me give you a play-by-play.

First of all, Mrs. Coulter’s like omg how did you find out I’m your mom? You must have a lot of questions. Lyra says, “I do.” Namely, she wants to know if her drink is poisoned, but also, she just wants someone to talk to her about dust already.

Lyra says to her mama: “It’s dust. You’re after dust.”

Mrs. Coulter says, “Dust is not a good thing. Grownups are infected so deeply it’s too late for them. Condemned to a life of sin, guilt, and regret. This is for a better future. A better life.”

Lyra: “A life without Pan would not be a better life.”

Mrs. Coulter: “Your daemons are wonderful companions and friends to you when you’re young. But at the age that we call puberty, an are you’re coming too very soon, darling, daemons bring all sorts of troublesome thoughts and feelings. And that’s what lets dust in. A little operation before that, and you’re never troubled again.”

Lyra says that if it’s so good, then it should have been something Mrs. Coulter would have been glad to have done to her. Mic drop.

Mrs. Coulter says she will make sure Lyra’s friends don’t get hurt. Lyra’s like, “BILLY COSTA IS DEAD.” Mic drop again.

Mrs. Coulter says, “Well, I will find those responsible.”

Lyra: “THAT’S YOU!” Lyra here dropping ALL THE MICS IN THE LAND.

Mrs. Coulter asks Lyra if she can have the alethiometer. Lyra’s like, “LOL OK YEAH SURE YOU ARE MY MOM AFTER ALL.” But then she hands her her stupid bug thing instead.

The next note I have here in my note is just: “Dang.” I think this is in response to Lyra running away from Mrs. Coulter, locking her in her room, and then the two of them screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. There are some deep emotions going on here.

Next, Lyra runs into this zombie nurse in the hallway who tries to stop her. But Lyra’s done playing games. She says, “What’s his name? The daemon she cut from you?”

The nurse responds, “Nicholas. I loved him so much.” One single tear for zombie nurse.

As everyone is breaking loose from Bolvangar, Lyra asked Roger to set the daemon-less kids free. Roger is afraid at first, but ends up giving the zombified kids a battle cry that was reminiscent of Lyra’s battle cry for the Gyptians. And I get now why she and Roger and BFFs.

This is when shit starts getting real crazy. Lyra breaks the machine. Ma Costa KILLS SOMEONE. A fight breaks out and Serafina Pekkala swoops down and just kills EVERYBODY. Imagine if the witches at Hogwarts had been this powerful.

In emotional moment number 5,192 of this episode, after the fight is over, Ma Costa runs over to the daemonless kids and hugs them all. Lyra tells Ma Costa, “It was Billy who showed us we could all get out. Get free from this place.”

Ma Costa responds, “Go. You didn’t come to the North just for this Lyra.” No, Lyra has gotta go save her dad now.

Reunited, Roger and Lyra ride off in a balloon with Iorek and Lee Scoresby. They’re off to find the panserbjørne and save Lord Asriel.

After the kids have fallen asleep, Serafina visits Lee on his balloon. Lee’s like, “Nice job killing everyone.” Serafina drops the news to Lee that he has precious cargo on board. Basically, the fate of the entire world rests in Lyra’s hands, so, like, take care of her and stuff. Lee asks if he’s going to get paid money to do that, and Serafina’s like “LOL NO.” Lee says, “She’s responsible for the fate of everything, and I’m responsible for her?” Yep, you’re getting it now.

Of course, as soon as Serafina leaves, our balloon friends get attacked by Cliff-ghasts. One of them knocks Lyra out of the balloon. So good job, Lee. You’re doing great.

I guess next time we’ll see if Lyra died. JK of course she didn’t.

See you next week!