Emily: Welcome back to the show that isn’t what we wanted but perhaps what we need during these quarantine times. This is the second week of Listen to Your Heart, but these people are acting like they’ve been in here for, like, a year. And apparently they think we know who they are or who any of these “established” “relationships” are. We do not.

Mary: They’ve known each other for approximately two days to a week and yet they’re all ready to be in love and make big commitments. I continuously kept saying, “DO YOU EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER?!” at my TV. I’m not sure about the editing on this show because, as you said, they expect us to know who’s “established” with very little explanation of who these people even are. It’s a roller coaster ride. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE. 

Emily: One of the couples we didn’t hear ANYTHING about in the first episode but now are suddenly the golden couple of the house: Chris and Bri. They both seem like sweet people, which is why we probably haven’t heard from them at all. Chris says he hasn’t been in a serious relationship since his dad died. 

Mary: I LOVE Chris and Bri, even though Bri is maybe named after a cheese. I’m not sure when they got together, but now that we’ve seen them, I’m completely here for it. I’m also very eager on talking about their date and how they were ROBBED.

Emily: Oh, we will get there. In other news, Julia and Sheridan are still kind of a thing, but Julia still also likes Brandon. Brandon, meanwhile, likes everyone, and he pretty much announces to the dudes that he plans on shopping around a bit. I really don’t get it. Brandon looks 40, and he’s not cute at all. Why are all of these hot young women into him?

Mary: Is there something I don’t see about Brandon? I’m also not sure why these young hot women are into him--at all. To me, Brandon has a skeezy worship leader vibe (not that those two qualities are always mutual, but it’s a distinct vibe). I don’t get it. 

Notably, Chris Harrison arrives with an announcement for the housemates. When Chris appears, you know something big is coming because they only bring Chris out for special occasions--and even still, half the time he has a mimosa. Chris announces that more women will be arriving at the house soon (just like in BIP). Everyone reacts appropriately--the men are excited for some fresh faces in the group, but the women feel (deservedly) threatened. Even though we did first impressions and I’ve technically seen all these people before, I definitely don’t remember most of them. There’s just so many.

Chris also says that there’ll be more dates this week--and he has the first one on him right now. 

Emily: For some reason the first date card goes to Jamie, even though Jamie has been on our television more than anyone else so far on this show. Obviously, Jamie asks Trevor to go on a date with her. Their date is I guess panhandling on the Venice Beach Boardwalk, which is sooo romantic. It looks like Listen to Your Heart provides them with a list of songs they can choose to sing (which makes sense because of music rights and stuff), and the couple decides from that list which song they’ll perform together. Jamie says she doesn’t “do” covers and that she’s used to being in her room and hiding. Um. 

Mary: I have SO many questions about Jamie hiding in her room. Once again, I’m asking myself if any of these people knew the premise of the show before signing up to be on it. Did Jamie know that this was, you know, a singing show? Trevor basically tells Jamie “Hey, I’ll do everything else if you can just sing,” but she still feels nervous. This song is “Girl Crush” by Little Big Town, which seems like a weird choice for a couple to sing together, right? I definitely had to look it up because it was so unfamiliar to me. Everyone on this show has a weird...I don’t know...lilt to their voice? I get that this is a thing that people like in music, but I don’t personally. AND YET HERE WE ARE. 

Emily: Jamie says normally she “dims her light” for other people, and she loves that Trevor is letting her shine. Really, I want to like Jamie, but who talks like this? Jamie says she can’t imagine anything going wrong, so you know, obviously… something’s about to go wrong.

Mary: I can’t tell if Jamie is just really shy or if this is all an act. I do think it’s sweet that Trevor tells her he wants her to be highlighted on the verse, and it’s a great sign that he wants her to feel comfortable. But you’re right… something bad is coming.

And that something is Natascha. Immediately, Natascha announces that she’s a New York, East coast girl who is looking for her baby daddy. Her husband. This is SUCH a claim that I am immediately shooketh. Natascha looks like a mean girl, doesn’t she? Lots of hair, lots of attitude, but she’s definitely pretty. 

Natascha appears not only to inject some new blood into the cast, but to deliver the dirt on Trevor--while he and Jamie aren’t there to do anything about it. Very clever, producers, very clever. Natascha explains that she’s very good friends with Trevor’s ex-girlfriend and that Trevor has had “some indiscretions” in the past. This is roundabout code for Trevor cheating, and we all know it.

Emily: Let’s dramatically cut back to Jamie and Trevor’s date while Natascha is back at the mansion stirring the pot. Jamie and Trevor sing their song and make some money. Do they get to keep it? Is that how they pay for dinner?

Mary: Do they get to keep it?! I mean, I hope so. Busking is about the worst date I can think of. I would be completely ticked off.

Natascha’s shit-talking is interspersed with a romantic moment between Jamie and Trevor in the hot tub. The pair talk about their pasts, and Trevor says that his last long term relationship ended over a year ago. He says that they weren’t compatible and that he was afraid of leaving earlier than he did. It seems like Trevor is trying to be as honest as you would be on a first or second date. Then they just kind of make out a bunch. I guess the conversation went well? 

Emily: Seems like it? When they get back to the mansion, Natascha is rip roaring and ready to go off. I’m pretty sure the only reason Natascha is here is to stir up drama. Mel says, “The shoe has dropped. It’s a boot, ok? It’s not like a sandal.” She’s talking about Natascha. Natascha is the boot.

Mary: And she is the heaviest Doc Marten you can think of. She is ON FIRE to rip Trevor a new one. Of course, Rudi, in her confessionals, seems more than ready to egg on any potential drama that happens. Natascha talks a lot of big game about how she would want someone to be a mentor figure to her when she was that young, and like...maybe, but it’s not your business, girl. 

Emily: Agree. This is 100% none of her business.

Mary: Natascha immediately calls Trevor out and says she knows him and wants to talk. Trevor either plays dumb or lies and acts like he doesn’t know Natascha (which leads me to wonder how close she actually was with his ex). Trevor doesn’t seem to know her at all. She explains her connection to him, then proceeds to accuse him of lying and cheating on his girlfriend. Trevor explains that he cheated on her emotionally, and that all Natascha knows is what his ex told her about their relationship--it’s obviously going to be one sided. Natascha says that emotionally cheating is worse than physically cheating, and unrelentingly says that he needs to tell Jaime what a scumbag he is. 

This is a tough one. On one hand, the waters are murky in the realm of emotional cheating versus physical cheating, and I’m not prepared to side with anyone on that. On the other hand, Natascha is right that Trevor should disclose details about his past. But doesn’t he get the chance to get to know Jamie first? And speaking of poor Jamie, what is she up to? 

Emily: I think there are all sorts of reasons relationships end, and we’re not required to divulge all fo the details of the breakup on a first date. I get that Trevor hurt Natascha’s friend or whatever, but it’s still none of Natascha’s business. And how you ended one previous relationship doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person who can never be faithful in a relationship. I would also argue emotional cheating is very different from cheating cheating.

Anyway. Meanwhile, Jamie is off in the corner sobbing before she even knows what Natascha and Trevor are talking about. Jamie says she’s been cheated in every relationship she’s ever been in. Girl, you’re, like, 21? So what relationships? The ones you were in in middle school? Get real. She also cries that she just wants something to go right for her, for once. Again, I cannot stress this enough. You’re 21. A lot more things are going to go wrong in your life over the next several decades. Calm down. This is not rock bottom yet. Enjoy the ride.

It doesn’t even matter though because this little bit of drama doesn’t actually go anywhere, and Jamie talks to Trevor and decides what’s in the past is in the past and she wants to give him a chance. No kidding.

Meanwhile meanwhile… It’s time for the next date card. And it goes to Bri! Of course, Bri asks Brandon on the date… PSYCH! Of course she asks Chris. Everyone in the house keeps talking about how strong Chris and Bri are and I’m here like, do they even know each other’s middle names yet? But they are ALL IN. Chris says he’s never had a connection like this with anyone before. They’re saying they’re falling for each other. All of this is going down in the most romantic location: a shutdown Guitar Center. WTF.

Mary: OK, so this is both an incredibly sweet and disappointing date. For the Bachelor franchise, this is the worst date it could be. They’re not going anywhere fancy, or eating an elaborate meal, or traveling. Then again, if someone took me to an important music store (contextually they acted like this specific Guitar Center was culturally significant, but IDK) and let me go ham playing all the guitars and duetting romantically--that could be fun? Some of my favorite date moments are just hanging out alone and goofing around, and they had the chance to do that in that stupid closed Guitar Center. That being said, I wish there had been a second component to the date to allow them to feel like they were getting their Bach experience’s worth. Even Jamie and Trevor got to chill in a hot tub. Still, it’s sweet! I like Chris and Bri together so far. The song they wrote together was cute. 

Bri discloses that she was dress shopping with her mom when her ex-fiance broke up with her. For some reason, she thinks this is incredibly rude but like...girl, he just saved you a bunch of money and a dress you couldn’t get rid of. Would you have rather bought the dress and THEN broken up? 

Emily: Psh I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter. Because… We’ve got more date cards coming, people! This next one goes to Sheridan, which is confusing because I thought it was the girls’ turns to get the date cards but… whatever. THERE ARE NO RULES TO THIS SHOW. His date card says, “Choose a woman you want to go public with.”

Mary: Gross. Sheridan has a lot of mouth and immediately I felt very scared about how loud the producers mic kissing on this show and how big his mouth is.

Emily: Suddenly Rudi realizes the boys are in control and she’s got to start acting more normal… stat. She pulls Matt aside to apologize for her behavior last week. Remember last week when she threw a fit because Matt took someone else on a date? Yeah. Rudi says, “I know I’m a lot, and it takes a certain kind of guy to handle me.” Can we talk about this? Because this language really bothers me. I don’t ever hear us talking about men being “a lot to handle.” It’s always women. I feel like this kind of language infantilizes women and encourages people to take women and their behavior less seriously. Like, women are not children and they’re not animals. You shouldn’t have to “handle” them. Am I reading too much into this?

Mary: I hate the way Rudi talks about herself and others. Really, Rudi is a lot because she seems dramatic, not because she’s a woman. If we’re being honest, everyone is a lot to handle because we’re all human and have moments of human emotion. And that is okay. You’re not reading too much into this, though I do argue that the people who are typically on Bachelor shows seem to be the sort who are conditioned into this way of gendering behavior. 

Emily: Back to Sheridan and Julia’s date. How do we feel like this is going? 

Mary: Eeeeh. It’s okay. It’s hard for me to enjoy watching Sheridan at all. Also, while Julia does seem into Sheridan, she’s seemed into… a lot of people. 

Emily: I think the show is really trying to push this idea that Sheridan is way into Julia than she is into him, which doesn’t bode well for their future. Also, this song they’re singing is weird. Why are there bones in a house? What kind of house are you living in that has bones in it? Call the police.

Mary: I immediately thought, what house is this? Is this a necromancer’s house? There’s a saying about houses that if the bones are good everything is okay and can be fixed. I guess the song is like...about a relationship being like a house? But is a relationship like a house? *sigh* Who can say? Maybe this is Gideon’s house. 

Emily: Back at the mansion, we get two more new arrivals: Mariana and Ruby. Both of these girls are really cute. I love Ruby’s pink hair, and Mariana is gorgeous. My first impression was that Ruby was going to be a little too awkward for anyone in this house, but I think I’m still thinking about regular Bachelor logic. This is a house of quirky musicians. The rules do not apply.

Mary: Ruby is so awkward, but man I love her! Her hair is really cute and I think her awkwardness is endearing. She seems like a real person, and you’re right that the rules don’t apply! THIS SHOW IS OFF THE RAILS. Mariana doesn’t really spark anything for me. She seems fine, but not super interesting. 

Emily: We’ve got one more date card, too. This one goes to Savannah, who is one of the 5,000 girls who is in love with Old Brandon. His name is Old Brandon now because he looks like he’s everyone else’s creepy uncle. Savannah takes Old Brandon on the date, obviously, because she must be looking for someone who can sign her report card. IDK why else you would pick this old guy. 

Mary: I’ve decided Brandon is trash. He does seem very old and very good at signing report cards. What makes him such a hot commodity? 

Emily: IDK and I hate him.

Mary: Maybe the most tragic moment of this episode is when Mel gets upset. I don’t like seeing our best girl get upset, and I immediately felt like this didn’t bode well for her. Mel is so upset that Savannah takes Brandon on the date. Mel cries in her confessional, barely getting any words out. She picks her nails and then runs away as everyone talks about how close Brandon and Savannah will get on their date. There’s good editing here of Savannah getting ready and looking pretty, Brandon dancing in excitement in the hallway, and then Mel crying and telling the other girls how upset she is. Mel says, “What if it doesn’t go well? Well of course it’s going to go well, it’s Brandon.” Mel, have some faith in yourself girl. Brandon isn’t the end all, be all, and you are a beautiful shining star that deserves better than this weirdo. I also need to state that Mel’s hair looks fabulous the entire time--shiny and lovely. 

Emily: On Brandon and Savannah’s date, they end up at an OPEN MIC NIGHT. What are the odds? I’m sorry, I didn’t write a lot of notes here because I found this date extremely boring, but I will say that I did not like Savannah’s voice at all. So far, Julia is the best singer, from what we’ve heard. Obviously, this is just my opinion.

Mary: I hated this date because it was boring, as you said. I think the story of the couple who owns the place was more interesting than anything that happened on the date itself. And that’s not saying much.

Emily: Yeah, and this is such a classic Bachelor move to show us an old couple to be some sort of aspirational story fo the couple on the date. Dumb.

Moving on. Cocktail party time. We got 8 dudes. We got 11 ladies who are too good for this shit. Three of them will go home. Chris Harrison says it’s time to stop messing around and it’s time to make real connections, so Old Brandon takes this to mean it’s time to make out with all of these women who look half his age.

Mary: Remember Natascha? She’s back, and hitting on Ryan and I am not here for it. Ryan is, as we know, my favorite. Natascha tells him that Ryan looks like Clark Kent, and he’s like, “uh, nah.” But Natascha keeps going, telling him he’s kind and humble and great. Ryan counters with the fact that he’s nerdy, to which Natascha says, “BUT I THINK NERDY IS SEXY.” And then they kiss a little bit. It’s so loud and so mic’ed. It’s loud kissing, but not the loudest on Bachelor ever. I’m the kiss police now. 

Emily: Let’s get to this Rose Ceremony. It goes a bit faster this week. Chris chooses Bri. Trevor chooses Jamie. Matt chooses Rudi (POOR CHEYENNE). Ryan chooses Natascha. Danny Chooses Bekah (I legit thought Danny went home?). Brandon chooses Savannah. Gabe chooses Ruby. Sheridan picks Julia. This means Mariana, Mel, and Cheyenne are going home. I cannot express enough how pissed I am that all the women of color are leaving. Also RIP Mel, our queen. 

Mary: Did Matt even give Cheyenne a chance?! King Old Brandon, the hottest commodity, has to pick someone, and he chooses Savannah, of course. I hated seeing Mel cry over this dude, who she is obviously better than. I want Mel to find love NOT on a reality show. Julia is SHOOK that Brandon doesn’t choose her, and Savannah brags to the camera that she’s not worried at all about Julia and Brandon because if they wanted to be together they would. In my opinion, Julia and Brandon are really playing the field, trying to get everyone to love them. That’s not a bad strategy to stay in the game, I guess, but it’s also not a good look.

Emily: Yeah, at the end, Brandon takes Julia aside and says he’s still interested in pursuing her, even though he picked Savannah, so this is not the end of this love hexagon. We’re seeing a lot of stuff in the previews that suggest this is all going to blow up in Julia and Brandon’s face, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

So I guess that’s it for this week. I’m very excited to see this weird format change next week as they start to sing and compete. They’re apparently going to be judged based on musical merit and… romantic compatibility? I’m 100% here for the latter because that’s absolutely insane and sounds like a premise from some sort of bonkers dystopian YA novel. Less interested in musical merit, but whatever.

Mary: Yes! Let’s get to the singinggggg! I want everyone to dress up Hunger Games style. 

Emily: Not a bad idea. See you next week!