Mary: Welcome back for more loud kissing and petty arguments. It all starts...right now! 

Emily: Immediately we’re told that Sheridan feels great about his relationship with Julia. And Savannah feels great about Brandon. So we know this isn’t going to go well. And then, as if on cue, Chris Harrison appears.

Mary: If I enjoyed last week’s jarring moment where Chris Harrison waltzes in and commands everyone to couple up or leave, I had no idea what was coming. Chris Harrison arrives early in the episode and tells everyone to reassess their relationships!

Emily: Chris says, in a very sincere tone, “Chemistry is really what matters and what propels your relationship to the next level… some of you might have realized last night that the chemistry wasn’t there… you’re going on dates, but it’s not going to be with who you think it’s going to be. I’m going to put these relationships to the test.”

Mary: I want to think that Chris Harrison is just twirling his proverbial mustache behind the scenes. So it’s time for dates--but not with the typical, established couples. Instead, Chris Harrison has assigned dates (based on drama potential). Jamie will go on another date with Ryan, Rudi will go on a date with Chris, and, most importantly, Julia will go on a date with Brandon. It seems like the producers wanted to give Julia a platform to air out all her feelings with Brandon. Jamie went on a date with Ryan before and it seemed to go okay, so I guess they wanted to double check if anything was there, but Chris?! Were they just intentionally trying to start stuff by splitting up sweet Chris and Bri?!

Emily: No, absolutely not. This has nothing to do with anyone except for Julia and Brandon. Everyone else was just thrown in so that it wasn’t painfully obvious what was going on. But guys, it was still painfully obvious what was going on. Julia tells Sheridan she doesn’t imagine this date will change anything. But girl. Come on. This whole set up was all about creating drama for Julia and Brandon and their couples. 

Nevertheless, somehow Rudi creates drama for herself. She sees her man Matt hanging with Natascha, and Natascha, the shit stirrer (more on that later) is flirting with him BIG TIME. Rudi, being Rudi, does not take this in stride and takes Matt to the side to chat. But before she can escalate the drama, Chris comes and grabs her because… it’s time for a date, I guess.

Mary: These dates are so lackluster, and it’s clear that they were really just wanting to maneuver a way for Julia and Brandon to go on a date, because they have the most romantic one. Rudi and Chris go on a picnic on the Bach Mansh grounds, and peep on what’s happening at the house via binoculars. The thing I love the most about this date was that they basically just chatted about the relationships they’re in, like friends! It was sweet. 

Emily: It was so sweet, but clearly the producers were not interested in putting any money into this date whatsoever because this was not going to be their moneymaker.

Mary: Rudi’s jealousy on this date is disappointing. The first thing she’s concerned about is if anyone is trying to kiss Matt. *sigh*

Ryan and Jamie’s date is a little spa day, and they get to chat outside casually while wearing breezy linens. We don’t see much of this date AT ALL. They basically just say, yeah we’re not into each other, and then go off to get pampered. 

Emily: But, like Chris and Rudi, it seems like they’re good friends? Which is nice.

Mary: But then...Julia and Brandon go to a dimly lit studio to write a song together with the help of a famous songwriter who I’ve never heard of.

Emily: They write a dumb song. And while they’re working on their song, we get clips of Sheridan back at the mansion singing a sad song about Julia coming back to him. This song is so dumb. Both of these songs are dumb. At some point, Brandon and Julia decide it’s makeout time, and that’s when we know for sure that Brandon is a piece of shit.

Mary: I have to say that I’m completely over Julia and Old Brandon at this point, and tired of both of them whether they’re with each other or not. Julia is an intentional drama-seeker and Brandon just seems into whatever warm body is closest to him at the moment. Also, Sheridan’s song about the whole situation is ridiculous. Even though it’s a song about Julia discovering she wants him, it seems like a song about him being a “nice” guy who’s had women walk all over him. If you say you’re a nice guy, you probably aren’t. 

Emily: Absolutely, the whole “nice guy” narrative is rooted in toxic masculinity that suggests that women don’t know what’s good for them. I hate it. I know a lot of people came out of this episode thinking Sheridan was looking pretty good, but I have to disagree. He looks good in comparison, I guess, but he’s still not great.

Mary: When Julia and Brandon return, the tension can really begin. It seems like Brandon tells whatever girl he’s with at the moment what she wants to hear. When he talks to Julia on the date, he tells Julia he feels their connection and wants to dig into it a little more. When he gets back to the house and talks to Savannah, he tells her he wants to be with her and pursue something with her, even though he totally made out with Julia. UGH. I hate him. 

Julia pulls Sheridan aside first and tells him she has feelings for Brandon. Sheridan makes her say every little thing, and won’t budge an inch. When Sheridan begins to walk away, Julia whips her head around and says, “Are you just going to walk away like that?!” Sheridan responds, “Julia, what do you want me to do??” And what is he supposed to do? The girl just dumped him and there’s not really anything else to say about that. 

Emily: What I found completely crazy here was that Sheridan actually APOLOGIZED to Julia. She’s breaking up with him for reasons totally out of his control, and he’s apologizing to her? Nah. We don’t like Sheridan, but we don’t want him apologizing to Julia either.

Mary: The only thing I regret here is that Sheridan can safely keep his nice guy persona intact. I’m sure he feels like the victim here--and he definitely is--but men aren’t entitled to have women be romantically interested in them. If Julia doesn’t like him, she doesn’t like him, and that should be okay. Julia never really liked him, did she? As Sheridan leaves, we get a montage of him and Julia singing “Good Bones” or whatever that bone song is. 

Emily: That montage was absolutely ridiculous. We’re forced to look back on the highlights of a relationship that lasted, what? 2 days? Meanwhile, Brandon is acting like an idiot, and Savannah is having NONE OF IT. Brandon’s like, “I feel like you’re 95% with me, but there’s 5% that’s mysterious.” This is such a load of crap. If Savannah’s 95% in, then Brandon is 2% in. There’s absolutely no world in which the failing of this relationship is Savannah’s fault. I’m so thankful that Savannah, unlike Sheridan, refused to fall for this. She tells him, “I don’t want to figure this out, Brandon. This is done for me.” The winner of the show is Savannah. We’re done here.

Mary: Good for her, honestly. Why is anyone interested in Brandon? We’ve been saying this since day one, but obviously all these women are not getting it? Brandon treats women like objects he can use, and he’s not good at picking just one. Although I think Julia’s been an instigator, how heartbreaking it must be to hear the man you thought you were going to start a relationship with saying, where’s Savannah? I want to work it out with her.

Also, did you notice how Brandon immediately starts patronizing Savannah (and later he does this to Julia, too) and calling her “sweetie?” UGH.

Emily: Yes, it’s very patronizing. I think it’s pretty clear Brandon doesn’t realize women are people. This was a big ole mess. 

Mary: And now it’s time for performances. They’re playing in a bigger venue this week, with a bigger audience. Everyone begins getting nervous and excited immediately, and we see the couples start to work on their songs together. The songs are pretty standard: Jamie and Trevor will sing, “Like I’m Gonna Lose You” by Megan Trainor and John Legend; Chris and Bri will cover “Lover” by Taylor Swift; Ryan and Natascha will sing “You Are the Best Thing” by Ray LaMontagne; Rudie and Matt will sing “Tennessee Whiskey” by Chris Stapleton; Brandon and Julia will play “We Belong” by Pat Benatar. Everyone seems pretty excited about their song choices except Brandon, who says that Pat Benatar is “not [his] jam.” Pat Benatar rules. Brandon sucks. 

Emily: During rehearsals, Natascha has a sit down with Brandon, and she asks him (in front of Julia) if he would have stayed with Savannah if she had been willing to work things out. Without hesitation, he says yes RIGHT IN FRONT OF JULIA because he’s a dick. Julia has her ears covered for this conversation because she’s an idiot. I have no idea what possessed her to agree to that. 

Of course, this doesn’t stay a secret for long. Right before their performances, Julia is telling all of the girls how good she feels about her new pairing with Brandon. Julia says, “I’m so glad we decided to do this together,” and Natascha’s just sitting there like mmhmm…

Mary: I think that Natascha was within her rights to tell Julia about what Brandon said. In the first episode, Natasha said that she would want another woman to come to her to tell her something that was concerning if it was there. In that context, she was talking about Jamie, but it applies here, too. If the person I was with was running around telling other people that he wasn’t sure about me, or that he’d rather be with someone else, I’d confront him and then say BYE. No one deserves to be treated like that. 

Emily: Also Natascha has the best voice out of everyone, probably, so she can do whatever she wants, as far as I’m concerned. 

Mary: Of course, when confronted, Brandon says that he didn’t really say that (he did). I wish that The Bachelor would do what Real Housewives (and other Bravo reality shows) have done for years, where the editors splice in definitive proof that a person is lying--because the lies are always caught on camera. Brandon lied and I don’t want anyone to be able to misinterpret that. 

 It’s time for performances, and I’ve gotta be honest, Emily. This is the hardest part for me to write about. The performances are FINE, and there’s nothing as egregious as when we heard Brandon and Savannah sing “I Want You to Want Me,” but it’s all just kind of meh. 

Most importantly, Rachel and Bryan are here! Well, I don’t really care if Bryan is here, but RACHEL IS HERE! Rachel is our queen, and she brings life to any show. Also here judging this week are Andy Grammer and Toni Braxton. Toni Braxton is wonderful, and “Unbreak My Heart” will forever be a bop. Andy Grammer kind of looks like a partially melted beige jolly rancher. The judges and contestants still seem unsure about what romantic compatibility is in a performance.

Emily: I have to say I’m pretty out on Andy Grammer after hearing him on Rachel’s podcast last week. He went on and on about how women should all try home births because they’re so magical. And I’m like, dude, until you have a vagina, you don’t get to say where and how women should be having their babies. Get the fuck out. Anyway, back to the show.

Mary: Uh, no. That’s easy to say when you’re not the one literally birthing the baby--you’re absolutely right. Rudi and Matt are up first, and they’re fine. “Tennessee Whiskey” is obviously a country song, and I care so little about pop-country. It’s okay, and they seem to enjoy themselves. Rudi’s pants are very sparkly, so that’s fun. 

Emily: Rachel says it’s so clear they’re having so much fun with each other. Jamie seems to think this performance is amazing. So amazing, in fact, that she wants to throw up. Then again, I think Jamie always wants to throw up. 

Mary: I’m tired of Jamie’s anxiety and her absolute terror at the very thought of performing. You’re on a show about being a performer. If that’s not what you want, get off. Honestly, I wonder if Jamie auditioned for another Bachelor franchise show, and when they saw she could sing they threw her on here. 

Emily: Jamie and Trevor sing “Like I’m Gonna Lose You” by Meghan Trainor and John Legend. This is a pretty dumb song. Everyone notices how nervous Jamie is. Rachel says Trevor needed to match her passion and that he seems a little too cool. Truthfully, he’s probably just exhausted from having to deal with Jamie’s emotions all the time. I hate to be like that, but that’s how it is.

Mary: Next up is Bri and Chris singing “Lover,” which I admittedly don’t like. 

Emily: Whatever, dude. I love Taylor Swift. I want to make sure everyone knows Mary’s opinions do not reflect my own. Sometimes we disagree.

Mary: We do, we do. I don’t hate Taylor swift, but something about the word “lover” creeps me out. I do love Bri and Chris, so I didn’t appreciate that the editors threw in lots of footage Jamie crying because she thinks she did badly. There’s a moment when Trevor looks over her shoulder and just seems completely done with it all. 

Emily: Hard agree with all this though.

Mary: The judges really enjoyed Chris and Bri’s performance, and I agree. I don’t like the song, but I think they slayed it--especially Chris’s falsetto parts! Toni Braxton specifically says it’s a great performance, and Toni knows her stuff. 

Bri says that she whispered in Chris’s ear at the end--but he didn’t hear--that she loves him. This is a really sweet moment, but it’s not the sort of thing I would want to do in front of a bunch of people. Then again, I’m not on a Bach show, so. What did you think about it, Emily? 

Emily: I thought it was really sweet and I actually teared up a little. I think it’s so clear that they’re truly into each other. This seems real, and that makes me happy. They seem like two people who are emotionally vulnerable and found each other at just the right moment. And that’s why they’re falling in love so fast. I believe in it. Love is real!

Next up are Julia and Brandon with their Pat Benatar song. Julia is a MUCH BETTER singer than Brandon. Rachel said she could tell they were a new couple and it felt like a karaoke performance. I’m realizing I only took notes on what Rachel said about each performance because… it’s Rachel. 

Mary: Here’s an opinion I have: Brandon can’t sing. He just can’t. I haven’t heard any demonstration of vocal range from him. 

Emily: You are 100% correct.

Mary: Natascha and Ryan are up last, and we get plenty of Julia being salty intercut with Natascha and Ryan KILLING it on stage. They got assigned such a fun song , and they illustrate what it means to show your chemistry on stage while still performing for an audience. Ryan is still my fave, and I’m really coming around on Natascha, too. I also really loved her yellow dress this week! Throughout this whole performance, Julia is staring daggers at Natascha and willing her to die. 

Emily: I just think Natascha and Ryan have real chemistry, and they sounded much better together this week than they did last week. Last week, it was the Natascha show and this week, they really performed together. It was cool to see an improvement like that.

Mary: The judges love the performance and think that they used the stage well and engaged the audience. Even Rachel says that it was fun, flirty, and sexy! Julia cries and says Natascha is a bad person. 

Emily: We move to the rose ceremony portion pretty quickly. This week is kind of a no-brainer. The judges had it easy. Bri and Chris get the first roses. Then Matt and Rudi. Next are Natascha and Ryan. In second-to-last place are Jamie and Trevor. That means Brandon and Julia are going home. He turns to Julia and says, “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry I let you down.” Gross.

Mary: Even though Julia and Brandon were set to leave (we all knew it), everyone pretends to act sad. I’m excited to see how the producers stir up drama now that some of the most dramatic people are gone from the show. I thought for sure that Old Brandon was a plot they wanted to keep around, but maybe not! 

We’ll just have to wait and see what happens next week on Listen to Your Heart!