Emily: Hi everyone. Apologies for getting this recap to you late. I know it feels like it’s been ages since this episode happened, but actually it was just last Monday. COVID-19 time is weird, isn’t it? Anyway, we’re very sorry, but we’re here now. And better late than never, right? I’m going to let Mary take it away.

Mary: As usual, everyone is hanging out and living their lives until Chris Harrison shows up. Chris starts out calm, asking Bri and Chris how they feel after saying they love each other the night before.

Emily: You can tell Chris and Bri are truly in love because they’re both wearing purple now. Matching shades of purple. That’s the kind of synchronicity that only comes about when you have true, open hearts.

Mary: Chris says, “You can only like someone so long.” This seems like a bold statement, and I’m curious how long they’ve actually been filming at this point. I’m a slow turtle in relationships, I think, but also I’m not sure I’d say I love someone after like, a week or two.

Emily: This is The Bachelor world. So you should at least be “falling in love” after two dates.

Mary: Anyway, Chris Harrison’s big news isn’t devastating at all this week. Instead of telling them to get together or split up, everyone gets to pack their bags because they’re getting on tour busses and travelling to Vegas! Each couple gets their own, huge tour bus, and I can’t help but feel like this is a mini fantasy suite date. In the Bach Mansh, they’ve been living in bunk beds, but on the tour bus they’ll be alone four a few hours. 

Emily: Okay… yeah, they’ll be “alone,” but clearly there are film crews in these busses with them, so it doesn’t really seem like they get any alone time. Also, the drive to Vegas from Los Angeles is only four hours, so it’s not like they actually slept in these beds together. It seemed like major overkill for such a short trip. When these couples get to Vegas, they act like they’ve been on the road forever. Also, once they get to Vegas, they’re just back in a hotel? This is not at all the true tour bus experience. Lies. 

But wait… we’re missing a couple. Where are Matt and Rudi? It looks like “they” “decided” to spend some time “alone” in a hotel in the middle of nowhere. Clearly this is something the producers set up for them. A part of their game to set up the narrative that Rudi is way more into Matt than he’s into her. But more on that later. Back in Vegas...

Mary: Bri and Chris get a date card, but is it a date or is it them being pimped out to sing at someone’s wedding? They go to a wedding chapel and sing a song for a couple after their wedding ceremony. 

Emily: Okay, I love Bri and Chris, but… I can’t believe Bri is wearing white to someone else’s wedding. Seriously so rude.

Mary: But if she wasn’t wearing white, how would they air the promos that made it look like they were getting married? What strikes me as strange about this whole thing (strange as in, this was very carefully organized) is that the couple is an interracial couple just like Bri and Chris. This isn’t an unusual thing, but it seems awfully organized. There’s a lot of emphasis on how Bri and Chris can see themselves in the couple. It seems like some producer BS. Chris tells us a little bit about himself after the ceremony, reflecting on how he wanted his dad to officiate his wedding, but his dad died five years ago. He says that his dad and his best friend from college died on the same day, and I cannot imagine that kind of grief. This discussion adds some depth to Chris, and I loved seeing him and Bri just talk seriously about their lives.

That being said, I really like Bri and Chris, and I hope they win. They’re so sweet.

Emily: I agree! I believe they’re actually into each other, which is a lot more than I can say about some of these couples. If this show is about falling in love then Bri and Chris should win.

Around this time, Rudi and Matt find their way to Vegas. Everyone asks them if they got to sleep in the same bed, and that’s when it really hits me than none of these people have been sleeping in the same bed together. What have the arrangements been? It’s very unclear. 

Mary: The bunk beds! Remember the bunk beds? It’s awkward, but it’s the only way shows like this work. Jamie and Trevor get the next date card and end up going skating at a hockey stadium. They do all the typical romantic ice skating things, kissing while one of them is skating backwards, etc. It’s sweet, but Jamie seems nervous as usual. We cut to Rudi and Ryan chatting about Jamie, and Rudi says that Jamie is going to tell Trevor she loves him. Suddenly, everyone wants to declare their love!  

Emily: Suddenly, there’s a couch in the middle of the rink, and Jamie and Trevor sit and chat. He basically tells Jamie that he can’t tell her he loves her yet. Jamie doesn’t take a hint, though. She tells him she hasn’t felt this way for someone for so long and she’s falling in love with him. He says he’s falling in love too. So I guess never mind that other thing he said just five minutes ago. Okay, so I think Trevor is very cute and I want to believe in him because he’s cute. But this was really weird. And also… Why aren’t we getting any ITMs from Trevor? This seems really calculated. What is Trevor thinking? I have so many questions.

Mary: Of course, Matt and Rudi had to get in on the date action. We see Rudi reflecting on how Jamie told Trevor she was in love with him, so she now has the confidence to tell Matt how she feels, too. This will all be fine.

Their date is to go see Shaggy perform. Not talk to him or hang out with him. Just see him perform “It Wasn’t Me.” I’m completely perplexed by how Shaggy is still singing this song years later. Matt got to live his dream of singing the chorus of “It Wasn’t Me” while Rudi just sort of hangs onto him.

Emily: Yeah, I thought it was really strange that he got the mic and Rudi was just kind of… cuddling him while he sang. The date card they got clearly said, “Its you, it’s both of you,” and yet at this concert, it’s Matt.

Mary: Rudi says she feels super solid, so now’s the perfect time to share her feelings. Something tells me it’s not. She tells Matt how she feels, calls him her rock, says he “gets” her, and then tells him she’s falling in love with him. Don’t get me wrong, telling someone you love them for the first time is hard! It’s nerve wracking to wonder if that person feels the same. But this buildup is just a lot. Matt’s response is less than Rudi desires; he hesitates for a long time.

Emily: Matt says to her, “You’re very courageous for speaking your truth, and I appreciate you doing that. So.” What everyone wants to hear in response to, “I love you.” Of course, she starts crying. Meanwhile, he’s got a hand on her thigh like, “there, there.” She walks away. In an ITM, Matt explains, “As much as I like her, I want to make sure we’re doing the right thing and not rushing in. I don’t want to say something and not have it be 100% true.”

Mary: You should never tell someone you love them with the complete expectation they’re going to say it back. Of course, I would also cry.

Emily: Oh for sure. Even if you don’t expect them to say it back, surely you expect a warmer response than what Matt gave her. It seemed a little uncaring. 

The last date goes to our final couple: Natascha and Ryan. It’s kind of annoying how played down this one was. Like, clearly, the show doesn’t want us to think about them very much. We don’t even see them get their date card. Suddenly, they’re just out smashing cars. The end. Not much else to say here. 

Mary: Song assignments go out! They are:

“Perfect” by Ed Sheeran--Ryan and Natascha

“Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” by Elvis Presley--Bri and Chris

“Just a Kiss” by Lady Antebellum-- Jamie and Trevor

“The Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper--Rudi and Matt--because this show can’t let A Star is Born go. 

Emily: If you’re on this show and you get “The Shallow,” you should know that the producers are rooting for you to win.

Mary: Rudi regrets that nothing is easy for her and Matt, and she still feels hurt that he didn’t return her affections, but she does note that she feels close to him when they play music together. She just can’t get through those walls Matt has up. What are your thoughts on Matt and Rudi’s relationship, Emily?

Emily: I don’t know. All I wrote down is that Rudi thinks her relationship to Matt is just like the song “The Shallow.” Okay, Rudi. 

Let’s just move on to the performances. The judges are: Ari and Lauren, the singer from Train idk him Pat Monahan, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross. 

Mary: I have to interject here that I hate the judges this week. Especially Ari. Especially that dude from Train. 

Emily: To be fair, it’s hard to top Rachel from last week. But yeah. Boo on these judges. I really couldn’t think of anything Train has done, and then I looked it up, and I was like, oh, yeah, this music sucks. I have to say Lauren was even worse than Ari as a judge. She’s just so wooden and hard to watch. 

Emily: Bri and Chris are first to perform. They sing “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You,” and don’t laugh at me but I actually started tearing up because they are so precious. Lauren says they were adorable, and the energy was low in the beginning but then they brought the energy up. I can’t help it. I hate Lauren. She seems so stupid. Obviously, the song was a bit more subdued in the beginning and then they brought up the energy. That was part of the arrangement of the song. Way to state the obvious, you stale graham cracker of a person. Anyway, the judges said their connection was great.

Mary: The second performance is Jamie and Trevor. I have no interest in Lady Antebellum, despite the fact that they played at my college multiple times while I was in undergrad for some reason. Their song is...okay? They do the awkward thing where Trevor stands behind Jamie and they sing like that. Todd and I speculated whether Jamie puts on an accent when she sings. I think she does. 

Emily: During their performance, Natascha says Jamie and Trevor are two little doves that just work. I guess she’s really come around on Trevor since she tried to sabotage their relationship a few short episodes ago. 

Mary: The judges like the performance, but they aren’t like, thrilled by it. Ashlee and Evan were apparently kissing during the performance, and they said they loved their “energy” and that their performance seemed “magical.” Mr. Train says that Jamie is clearly nervous. Ari and Lauren blandly say they liked it, too. Lauren says, “You seem like you have a goofiness between you” but I definitely misheard it as, “You seem like you have a good penis between you.” That would’ve been a very different critique.

Emily: Lauren says, “I think there’s a great connection between you which I recognize because we have that as well.” We get it. You and Arie fuck a lot. 

Next up is Natascha and Ryan. At this point, I’m heavily convinced Natascha is a producer plant because it seems like she’s attempting to throw the competition on purpose. She knows her time of stirring up drama is through and now it’s time to let the real couples shine. I have no other explanation for her strange behavior onstage. At one point, Natascha hands Ryan the mic for some reason and he was trying to play guitar with a mic in his hand. It was really weird.

Mary: I kind of liked Natascha and Ryan’s performance even if it wasn’t as good as they usually are. They tried to do something different with a super bland song, so I appreciate that. 

Finally, the song we’ve been waiting for is here, and Rudi and Matt take the stage. They’re both nervous, and they’ve both been complaining about it all night, so I was personally geared up to think it’s terrible.

Emily: Yeah, this is just proof, Mary, that you don’t want enough reality television. If you’re being geared up to think something will go terribly, it will always be surprisingly good. Also there’s no way they’re going to let them go home this week when they’re basically singing the theme song of this show.

After the performance, Matt says he wants to keep playing music with her forever, which I thought was really sweet. Probably better than an “I love you” anyway. And all of the judges loved their performance. 

Mary: Ashlee and Evan could “feel the heat,” and Lauren says that they’re “incredible performers.” Mr. Train says that if they can channel that energy into original music they’ll be great because it’s “like, real stuff.” I don’t know that I trust Mr. Train’s opinion on music. Everyone immediately gets nervous that they’re the ones going home.

Emily: The rose ceremony is quick and predictable. First to get roses are Jamie & Trevor. Then Rudi & Matt. Finally, of course, Bri & Chris. That means Natascha & Ryan are going home. No surprises here. Natascha is beating herself up about it because she feels like it’s all her fault. She says, “I’m just incredibly disappointed in myself. I let myself down. I let Ryan down.” Ryan tells her, “Thank you so much for being on this journey with me, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds.” Natascha says, “We were meant to be on this journey together, and I was so happy because of the way he made me feel. He’s been so good to me.” 

Mary: I’m not surprised that Ryan and Natascha go home this week based on their performance, but man, I didn’t want them to. I think they’re one of the strongest couples musically, and a chance they took just didn’t work out. Do you think that Natascha and Ryan will stay together beyond the show?   

Emily: There is zero chance they’re still together after this show. Natascha is the biggest producer plant that has ever been planted. That being said, wow she has a great voice.

THE FINALE IS THIS WEEK! Who do you think will win? Sound off in the comments.