It’s already time for the finale next week, guys. My head is spinning. How did this happen so quickly? Who even are these people? Why does it feel like the auditions were twice as long as the live show? Can FOX stop the madness? Even Nigel pleaded with FOX this week to bring back the Top 20, so what do we have to do to make that happen? Like, if we’re gonna do this show. Let’s do it RIGHT, right?

Anyhow, here’s how everything went down.

Well. Not everything. Just the stuff that matters.

Each of the top six is dancing with an all-star this week, and they're also dancing with their partners, and they're also doing a group routine. First up is Jensen dancing with equally overrated all-star Kiki. They're doing a cha-cha choreographed by another all-star, Jenna Johnson. 

Jenna says, "When I found out I had Jensen, I decided I didn’t need a storyline.” And that's because, yeah... Jenna can't act. Throughout the night, she's still doing some hardcore ballroom mugging. I could not even deal with her face during her and Jay Jay's Tahitian dance. As for this dance, I had trouble concentrating because my husband hates Kiki and was grumbling about how terrible Kiki was the entire time. It was distracting. I think this dance was fine.

Skipping ahead to the best dance of the night: Hannahlei and Marko dancing a contemporary routine choreographed from one of my all-time fave all-stars Robert Roldan. I know I've been hard on Hannahlei in past weeks, but she really brought it this week, and this was her best dance ever. I know I have always said I liked Cole, but maybe he was holding her back somehow? 

Robert's choreography here is lovely. And holy lifts, Batman! As a seasoned SYTYCD dancer, Robert knows how the judges and the audience loves lifts. This dance is, like, mostly lifts. But it works for me. Have I mentioned that I love Robert? I love Robert.

Speaking of things the judges love, how about when Jay Jay did a leap frog over the insanely tall Cat Deeley? Yes, I know she crouched down a bit, but dang! Still! 

My second favorite dance of the night was Darius and Taylor's contemporary routine, choreographed by Travis Wall. The dance took on the topic of gender expression and conformity, with Taylor embodying toxic masculinity and Darius's character struggling to find himself through the limits of gender norms. Vanessa said she was "shook" and Mary Murphy cried, which isn't as big of a deal as it might seems. She cries once a week. Which is fine. WE SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO EXPRESS OURSELVES, this dance has taught me. 

The worst dancer of the night was clearly Slavik. He got negative feedback from the judges on both of his routines. Nigel said he wasn't in the moment with his hip-hop routine with Jaja, choreographed by Comfort. More notably for me was his salsa with Genessy, choreographed by Jonathan and Oksana. Genessy was hot in this dance, but she also did all the work. Overall, this salsa was oddly slow and unbalanced, and worst of all, it looked like a lot of work. Dancing IS a lot of work, but it shouldn't look like it. I blame Slavik. It's becoming clear he's out of his depth.

If all was right with the world, Jensen and Slavik would be going home this week. They clearly are not as good as the other four, for reasons stated already in this recap. Unfortunately, NOTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. Jensen is the first one to make it through to the finale, and I'm going to blame racism. I can't imagine why anyone voted for her aside from the fact that she's the only white girl left. It's just baffling to me. 

Also going to the finale are Hannahlei, Slavik, and Genessy, which means Darius and Jay Jay are going home. Yes, you heard me. The two black men are going home. America instead voted for the two less-talented white people. TRUMP'S AMERICA, EVERYONE.

Also this has taught me to never vocalize my support for a contestant because they immediately will get sent home. Since Cole and Magda were sent home last week, I said, "I guess go Jay Jay? I guess he's my favorite now?" And guess what? Now he's gone. America hates me. America, why?

See you next week for the finale, I guess.