Look, I am real happy I decided to cover this Are You the One Reunion.

The tea was spilt. Hearts were broken all over again. Secret girlfriends were revealed. Exes were reunited. Post-show makeovers were executed, for better or for worse. Zak was yelled at and called a sociopath. New terms were defined. I learned so much from this hour of television, and I truly feel like I came away a better person for it. But did you accidentally miss all the drama? Not to worry, here I have aggregated the most important information learned from this Are You the One? reunion special.

1: Shamoy Had a Girlfriend!

Let’s just start off with what we learned first, huh? After all, the beginning is a very good place to start. Terrence chats with Maria and Shamoy first, since they were the first couple to ride off into the sunset/honeymoon suite. He asks them how it was in the honeymoon suite for the two of them, since they were there for the majority of the show.

Their response? It was… interested. Apparently, Shamoy immediately let Maria know nothing would be happening between the two of them because he had a girlfriend back home. WHAT? SO SHAMOY WAS THERE FOR THE #WRONGREASONS? Shamoy tries to back track and say that he didn’t really have a girlfriend; he just wasn’t that into Maria. But, come on, have y’all seen Maria? This is clear B.S.

Terrence quickly lays down the law…

Okay, but like, if this were really true, half of the cast wouldn’t be there. Let’s be real.

2: So Much Sex Happened That We Didn’t See

So you know how we saw Kwasi hitting on Maria in the final episode? Apparently they hooked up. Apparently they had sex in the Boom Boom Room WITH Tevin and Kenya. Like… what? Why would you not air this insanity? Also Shamoy made out with Bria? WHAT. We need to see the footage!

Clearly this didn’t fit into MTV’s narrative that Maria and Shamoy were in love and happy. But if you’re going to reveal it on the reunion show anyway… IDK.

3: Cali and Tomas are IN LOVE <3

My impression on the show was that Cali blew off Tomas and wasn’t interested anymore, but I guess they were low key together the whole time. Good for them I guess? Cali is trying to play like she got a bad edit and she’s actually a good person, but I’m still not a fan. I still love love though, so I hope these crazy kids make it work.

That’s all I really have to say about that, homies.

4: Everyone Hates Nutsa

I feel like there is a lot to unpack here, but we don’t have enough information. Here’s how it went down. Nutsa said Brett wouldn’t connect with her because he was still hung up on Cali. Nutsa says, “It is so hurtful because I’m giving myself to somebody who absolutely couldn’t give less of a shit about me.”

Brett interrupts and says, “Wrong. I just didn’t like you the way you liked me.”

Nutsa: “No. Let me fucking talk. You’re so rude. I just think you’re fake as fuck.”

Zak pipes in and is like, “You’re the fakest one on here.” Then he winks and points at the camera. Keep it douchey, Zak. I have one thing to say to Zak, and it’s the same thing Nutsa said…

Everyone starts attacking Nutsa. Apparently no one likes her? Nutsa says Samantha was always really mean to her, and Samantha says she just doesn’t like her and doesn’t want to be friends with her. I feel like there’s still so much we don’t know. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this. Not me though. I’m too tired.

5: Apparently Someone Named Lauren Was On?

Terrence asks if anyone on the show is upset about the way they were portrayed on TV and some person named Lauren says, “Uh, yeah, why wasn’t I on the show?”

So all I really remember about Lauren is that she fell off a horse that one time. And apparently she’s a teacher and that’s what makes her a good match for Kwasi. That’s all I know. What we learn about her is she had a relationship with Andrew in the house? That guy that I called Shrimp that one time. So they had a relationship, but then Andrew made out with Nutsa. They show a clip of it, and Lauren says, “It’s hard to watch because I thought I saw a future with him. I’m in love. I’ve moved on.”

So I guess that explains why Lauren doesn’t like Nutsa. Knocking this out one person at a time.

6: Tevin is Still a Player

Unlike Lauren, we saw SO MUCH of Tevin and Kenya (left) on this show. I’m so bored of them. But did you remember that Jasmine (right) was in a little love triangle with these two? And that she and Tevin hooked up? Yeah, I remembered too.

Here are the updates on this triangle: Jasmine and Kenya are cool now. They made out on the last night in the house. Nutsa got in on it too. So apparently Jasmine and Kenya liked Nutsa that night. Why didn’t we see this?

More updates: Tevin is still up to his player ways. When asked if Kenya is his perfect match, he says, “We are a perfect match, but you can have the perfect person and not have the perfect timing.”

Translation: he made out with Deandra from a previous season, and then Kenya found out and threw his stuff out in the rain.

7: Samantha is Back with Her Ex!

Remember this dude?

Yep, Samantha dumped Daniel and is back with Tyler, the jerk who kept calling Daniel “David” and threw off his lei in a fit of rage. That guy. Samantha says, “I know you guys didn’t see a good side of him, but I’m in love with him. I’m gonna marry that dude.”

Daniel explains that their relationship ended because all they had was sexual chemistry, and you can’t build a relationship off of sex alone. Samantha’s response, “well, the sex wasn’t even good.” Damn girl, who hurt you? She seemed to be enjoying it on the show. Just saying.

8: Moe Looks So Good

We already knew Moe was my dude. But his makeover for this reunion has him looking real, real good. The house slept on this dude, for sure. Why weren’t the women all over him? MTV is torturing me by not offering up a picture of him from the reunion by himself, so you’re just going to have to peep him in the middle of this picture right here. Or you can just trust me. Remember ladies, he cooks and cleans.

9: “Bag” Means “Get to Know”

Kwasi tried to say when he said he was going to “bag” Kayla, Cam just didn’t understand his cool lingo and that to him, “bag” just means “get to know.” Above is how the AYTO cast reacted to that explanation. Let me translate: “Nah, bruh.”

Kenya’s straight up like, “NO DUDE. Bag means intercourse.”

Kwasi sucks. But not as much as this other dude…

10: Zak is a Sociopath

Well, there is a lot to cover here. Much like on the show itself, Zak’s bullshit took up the majority of the rest of this show. I could really break this down into several sub-points (10A, 10B, all the way through 10Z…) but I’m not feeling that organized, so let’s just work through these emotions in one giant clusterfuck, much like Zak’s dating life.

Bria says that despite the fact that she and Morgan were going after the same dude (Zak), they’re fine: “I don’t think there was ever an issue except we liked the same person.” #feminism

Morgan says, “Zak fucked me over, and he knows it. He treated me terribly.”

Zak tries to explain away his actions by saying, “I was using the game to my advantage… in the real world…” But he interrupts himself right there because he realizes that he uses “the game” to his advantage in real life as well. He quickly adds, “well, I can’t say that…”

Morgan’s like, “OK, let’s count the women you fucked over.” Here we go.

After the show, Zak invited Nutsa to come visit him. Nutsa explains,  “What Zak does with every girl is he tells her exactly what they want to hear.” Zak told Nutsa that he was going to fly her out to see him, that they were going to get married, that he wanted to be with her forever, etc.

Terrence asks Zak if he really did want to be with Nutsa. His response: “I mean, that week.”

Moving on, Zak also hooked up with women from previous seasons of AYTO: Geles and Shanley. Also someone named Nelsa from Floribama Shore? I don’t watch that shit.

When asked what he said to them, Zak calmly explains that he did the “Nutsa spiel” with them too. WTF.

So anyway, Shanley is there. Her hair looks bad. I am the hair police. I’m cool with it. But anyway, she says she isn’t there to talk about her relationship with that because she’s over it. What she isn’t over, however, is that Zak threatened to show everyone nude photos of her that he’d taken during their Skype sessions. Shanley says, “If I don’t give you consent to record anything and you have it, that’s a fucking felony.”

Zak’s like, yeah, I said that but I didn’t do it. I just wanted to scare her. Oh, okay, that’s cool then. (It’s not cool)

Bria jumps in and tries to victim blame. She asks Shanley why she was with Zak if she watched their season and saw how he was. This is so dumb I don’t even want to get into this idiotic argument.

Nutsa calls Zak a sociopath, which is probably true. Zak says, “I don’t get off on hurting people’s feelings… maybe I do.” But he said he would change for the right girl. B A R F.

Bria says, “You’ve fucked the right girls over. You’ve literally had some boss ass bitches.”

Over commercial break, he says if Shanley’s hair wasn’t ugly, he’d still hit it. Nice.

Morgan tells him he’s an asshole, and he nods and smiles and says that’s his brand.

So I guess Zak lived happily ever after.

PHEW. THAT WAS A LOT.

And so ends another season of Are You the One? and what a great season it was. I’ll see you all back here next time. Will we get challenges back? Will a season full of bisexual and gender fluid contestants turn into an absolute orgy? Will some blonde named Lauren secretly be on the show the entire time without us knowing it? I guess we’ll have to wait and find out.