Wait… it’s time for The Bachelor again? On the one hand, we just finished up Tayshia’s season of The Bachelorette and our faces aren’t even dry from all the emotional tears we shed during that finale. But on the other hand, the last season of The Bachelor, starring Peter Weber, seemed like it happened 500 years ago. So we guess it is time after all. Time to judge a bunch of women we don’t know based on nothing but one unflattering photograph and a poorly written bio.

Let’s do this, people.

Abigail, 25, Client Financial Manager - Beaverton, OR

Emily: This is a really unfortunate picture. I’m sure she’s gorgeous in real life. How many “beaver” jokes are they going to make this season?

Susan: I love her hair color, and I feel like I’d hang out with her based on her outdoorsy, microbrew-loving ways.

Kelli: I need to know if she described herself as a “beautiful soul” or if that was a choice made by the bio writer. Either way, these bios are not off to a great start. It’s interesting that she has a hearing impairment, though - good to have more disability representation on the show!

Alana, 26, Photographer - Toronto, ON

Emily: I love that she loves to travel and admits to enjoying puns. I can hang. Why is her favorite movie to watch The Holiday though? That’s so random.

Susan: She had me at “moved to Europe” and also “moved to Toronto on a whim.” 

Kelli: Alana seems like she’s either really cool, or she’s one of those people who develops a slight accent after living in Europe for a year. But Emily, I think she likes to watch The Holiday DURING the holidays with her mom, not just like… any time. Although, why not. I can respect weird comfort movies.

Alicia, 24, Professional Ballerina - New York, NY

Emily: This woman is stunning, and her backstory is fascinating. I hope she’s around for a while. I want a “hometown” date where we get a ballet performance. She seems bougie af, but that’s fine with me.

Susan: I want to see her dance too! And yeah, that dream date sounds very expensive because the first thing involves having or renting a boat. I’d run out of money by dinner time. 

Kelli: Being a professional ballerina is hard AF, as we all know from watching Black Swan. She’s not here to fuck around. Also, that sounds like a great date to me. I can give her the benefit of the doubt and pretend she means lounging on a boat that is also a bar/restaurant (they exist!), but the date would be expensive anyway because it is taking place in New York.

Amber, 30, Nursing Student - Costa Mesa, CA

Emily: I love that she’s so into animals. She seems chill. 

Susan: Remember in elementary school when everyone said their dream job was to be a marine biologist? Yeah, that’s Amber. 

Kelli: She sounds fun. Beluga whales are very cute. I’m surprised that this bio includes negative traits such as “impatient and stubborn”... does this indicate potential villain status?

Susan: Either villain or just an Aquarius. Hard to say.

Anna, 24, Copywriter - Chicago, IL

Emily: She’s terrified of fish and obsessed with cheese. Same. I find fish HORRIFYING. 

Susan: I wanted to root for her because she’s a fellow copywriter, but idk, I’m just not vibing with her. Next.

Kelli: I’m dying because I came here to say “who’s afraid of fish?” I guess I have my answer now. I can’t decide whether to like her for bringing up astrology or be afraid of her because she’s a Gemini.

Susan: Emily and I are both Gemini rising, so...watch yourself. 

Emily: Justice for Geminis.

Bri, 24, Communications Manager - San Francisco, CA

Emily: There are a lot of gorgeous women on this season. Bri is stunning. Y’all, what “high-profile social media company” do you think she works for? And do you think she’ll ever say which one it is on the show?

Susan: I hope it’s Instagram. No, I hope it’s TikTok! Either way, she can coach the rest of the cast on how to boost their following, which is why at least half of them are here.

Kelli: I hope it’s NOT Facebook. She is extremely stunning, and I’m curious about her “thirteen” tattoo. She seems primed for a tragic backstory so I hope that won’t be the only thing we learn about her.

Carolyn, 30, Journalist - Los Angeles, CA

Emily: California count so far: 3. And we’re only in the C’s. Something about her profile that really makes me bristle: “Carolyn likes post-punk music and definitely identifies as something different than your average Top 40 basic girl.” It’s 2021. Can we stop with the “I’m not like other girls” rhetoric? 

Susan: Ugh, same. I was on board before that. A journalist with a passion for social justice? Sign me up.

Kelli: Yeah, again I can’t tell whether she self-identifies as “not your basic girl” or whether the interviewer asked her what time of music she’s into and she replied “post punk” and the interviewer decided “OH OKAY, SHE’S NOT YOUR BASIC GIRL.” Either way it’s super annoying. Aside from that, it does seem like she’s probably going to be open about her political beliefs/morals, which I’m always ready for more of on this show. 

Casandra, 25, Social Worker - Newport Beach, CA

Emily: We’re now at 4 California Girls. Maybe it’s because she’s a social worker, but Casandra is giving me Taylor Nolan vibes. She says guys love that they can take her anywhere and don’t have to entertain her. Ok, so she’s thirsty for male approval. Got it. 

Susan: First of all, she’s gorrrrgeous. Second, I am also getting major “cool girl” vibes from this bio. She just wants to wear sweats and no makeup! She’s low maintenance! You’ll barely notice she’s there! 

Kelli: Yeah, my main comment is that she’s incredibly beautiful. Not super into whatever else is happening in this bio (although she has her master’s in social work so that is something at least?).

Chelsea, 28, Runway Model - New York, NY

Emily: We stan a short-haired girl on this show. She seems really interesting. She loves traveling and loves snacks. I’m here for her, 100%.

Susan: Short hair + big earrings is one of my favorite looks. I love that her favorite meal is snacks. Hard same. 

Kelli: She seems awesome and like someone I’d hang out with IRL (if I had supermodel friends anyway). 

Corrinne, 22, Marketing Manager - Pomfret, CT

Emily: Are we allowed to have another Corrinne after Nick Viall’s season? I’m a little wary of the fact that Corrinne’s love of Disney World is highlighted so prominently, but she did also sneak into an abandoned insane asylum in the middle of the night, so… balance?

Susan: I’m probably gonna get some hate for this, but why do people LOVE Disney World so much? Like, it’s fine. But that’s it. I’ve been twice and I can’t see myself going back unless I have a kid. 

Kelli: I love Disney, but I do find it disturbing when I come across adults who are full-on Disney Adults™. Like, a lot of the people I went to high school with who stayed in Orlando and Disney is their main pastime. They like, go every weekend and take photos with the characters still. It’s haunting. 

ANYWAY, I DIGRESS. Maybe I’m overanalyzing this, but so many of these profiles emphasize how the women want “a man who will...,” but Corrinne’s profile says “Corrinne wants someone who is loyal through the ups and downs, and promises that as a wife, her partner will never have to question that she is always on their team.” Is it possible that Corrinne is… not straight?

Emani, 25, Realtor - Albuquerque, NM 

Emily: Not gonna lie. She’s pretty, but this profile is pretty basic. Nothing’s standing out to me.

Susan: This rubbed me the wrong way: Her turnoffs are “emotional instability, physical instability and financial instability.” What does she mean by physical instability. And are we to assume that she is perfectly “stable” in all of these arenas? 

Kelli: Yep, my first question is “what does she mean by physical instability?” Troubling!

Illeana, 25, Health Food Developer - New York, NY

Emily: Okay, the NY girls are starting to catch up with the Cali girls. We’ve got three from NY now. Maybe we can make this a battle of NY vs CA to see which ladies last the longest on the show. Place your bets now. Now let’s talk Illeana: I love that she has an orange tabby cat, and I really hope we get to see him on the show. But real talk. Is she just here to promote her "Funky Munky Energy" snack?

Susan: Developing a product isn’t easy, so props to her for that, even if she’s just here to promote it. And I NEED to see the cat in his bowtie. It’s a need, not a want.

Kelli: Team NY! Matt James lives in New York, so I have a feeling east coast might win the game this time around. Hopefully Sir Theo is part of Illeana’s limo entrance.

Jessenia, 27, Social Media Marketer - San Antonio, TX

Emily: Is this our first pageant queen? I can’t believe we made it all the way to J before we got a pageant queen. And WOW I just realized we have NO HANNAHs this season. I can’t deal. 

Susan: I saw “pageant queen” and thought it wouldn’t be my thing. But tbh, I think I love her? We have a lot in common. I, too, love escape rooms (don’t @ me), I prefer my music to sound like 80s synth pop, and I’d love to move to France for a year. Or longer. Also we both have three dogs. 

Kelli: Once again, I came here to say “who LOVES escape rooms?” and learned something new about someone I thought I understood as a person. 

Emily: I also like escape rooms…

Kaili, 26, Hostess - Chicago, IL

Emily: This is another boring one, but I do love that her profile refers to the Bachelor as “Matt” and not “Matt James” because if we have to call him “Matt James” all season I might fucking die.

Susan: Yeah, not much to go on here, but I love that she described her dream partner as “empathetic.”

Kelli: Seems like we’ve got a lot of Chicagoans this season too. Also, this is a spelling of this name that I’ve never seen before, so… good for her?

Katie, 29, Bank Marketing Manager - Renton, WA

Emily: Katie’s cute, but I’m concerned that her entire bio is just a list of things she likes and doesn’t like about men. I do need to know what a dog flash mob is ASAP. Sounds fabulous.

Susan: If Becca Kufrin and Kristina Schulman had a baby, that baby would be Katie. 

Emily: She is fully aware of this and has posted about it on her Instagram, which is much more promising than her bio.

Kelli: Sounds like Katie has had some bad experiences with men!

Khaylah, 28, Healthcare Advocate - Durham, NC

Emily: Khaylah’s bio is kind of bland, so I can only base my opinions off of her picture. Her smile says she’s sweet and fun. But her hoop earrings tell me she’s here for drama.

Susan: Rhianna is a solid idol. I’m here for it.

Kelli: I have a good feeling about Khaylah. Being a healthcare advocate is fucking awesome and so important, and I love that she’s so dedicated to that. 

Kit, 21, Fashion Entrepreneur - New York, NY

Emily: New York and Cali are officially tied now. Kit is so cute and so young. I’m curious about what it means to be a fashion entrepreneur when you’re only 21 and still living at home with your parents. What’s the story?

Susan: Normally I’d say that screams “multi-level marketing,” but you have since informed me that she is actually the daughter of designer Cynthia Rowley, so this all makes more sense now.

Emily: Yes, after this mysterious profile I had to figure out what her deal was.

Kelli: Yeah, I have no idea what entrepreneuring she’s doing and I tend to reflexively dislike rich people, but she’s cute and seems like maybe she is funny. Lol at “hasn’t had a relationship since her first love in high school.” So like… two years ago?

Emily: LOL right.

Kimberly, 28, Airline Recruiter - Seattle, WA - no link because she sucks

Emily: Kimberly says no cats. We’re done here.

Susan: Her only fear is finding out that someone she is into has a foot fetish. This definitely has a story behind it, and I definitely want to hear that story. 

Kelli: No cats, under ANY circumstance? Fuck you, Kimberly.

Kristin, 27, Attorney - Virginia Beach, VA

Emily: Okay, I’m in love with Kristin. Earlier today, @SydneyBattle posted this:

In addition to being a good friend, Kristin is smart, and she’s gorgeous, and she loves karaoke. I know we should want her to win or whatever, but I’m going for NEXT BACHELORETTE right here.

Susan: Okay, I love this too. I love that she fully celebrates and embraces PDA. Express your love, Kristin!

Kelli: The fact that she’s a southern attorney gives me Rachel vibes which I’m definitely into. Also, I love that she loves open physical affection because I’m like that too. PDA all day baby!

Lauren, 29, Corporate Attorney - Miami, FL

Emily: Two attorneys in a row! Ok! I love these real jobs. No chicken enthusiasts in sight. Lauren says she’s a Florida girl through and through. Kelli, can you explain what that means, as our resident Florida expert?

Susan: Yes, Kelli, what does that mean? Love that she has a legit career, but the rest of the bio isn’t giving me much to go on. 

Kelli: NOTHING about this profile says Florida to me, other than the fact that she likes to go to the beach. How are you a Florida girl who is afraid of LIZARDS? Seriously, they’re everywhere. I do not know anyone from Florida who is afraid of them, it’s like being afraid of squirrels. Additionally, Lauren loves the “Christmas season,” which in Florida amounts to palm trees wrapped with Christmas lights and the smell of that one peppermint body spray from Bath & Body Works. So yeah, I’m befumbled.

Magi, 32, Pharmacist - Adwa, Ethiopia

Emily: Magi seems too cool for this show probably. But I’m also worried that, based on this bio, ABC is going to try to make Magi’s whole personality about being “from Ethiopia.” 

Susan: Wow, she is stunning. I would like to know more about her nonprofit. I also played a lot of ping pong growing up, so I’m into that too. 

Kelli: Yeah, I would love to know what place in the US she lives in now, especially since the bio says that in her spare time she likes to explore her town’s historic buildings. WHAT TOWN? I agree that they’re probably going to lean hard into exoticizing her origin story and I’m already exhausted by it. I hope we’re wrong though, because she seems great, and I love her style. Would wear that velvet top in a heartbeat.

Emily: Hard agree!

Mari, 24, Marketing Director - Odenton, MD

Emily: We’ve got another beauty queen. I’m a little uncertain of what to say about Mari because her entire bio is about things she wants to do and not things she has done. I guess that’s what happens when you’re 24 though.

Susan: This whole thing reads super young and naive to me. 

Kelli: She seems okay, but I don’t love the idea of “showing young women they can have it all” by being able to work remotely, because that perpetuates the idea that women should be raising their children full-time while also working full-time instead of, IDK, having time off of work or paying for childcare so that they don’t have to suffer? But maybe I’m over-interpreting this.

Marylynn, 28, Event Coordinator - Studio City, CA

Emily: The California girls pull ahead! And this is the second girl who’s mentioned Disney in her profile. Why?

Susan: Third, by my count. Her ultimate goal is starting “several companies,” so I think she has come to the right place, tbh. 

Kelli: After reading this bio, I’m mainly wondering if her name is pronounced “Mary Lynne” or “Marilyn.” Can’t wait to find out!!!

MJ, 23, Hair Stylist - Hudson, OH

Emily: I love MJ’s hair, which I guess makes sense because she’s a hair stylist. This bio says MJ is memorable, but I find her bio extremely forgettable so IDK.

Susan: But she can’t deal with people who are never on time, which sounds like something y’all could bond over, Emily! I get laid-back vibes from her and love that her favorite vacation was camping in the Sahara.

Kelli: She seems chill and fun without having to be like “don’t worry I’m super chill and fun.” But also I am 100% imbuing her with the spirit of MJ from Spider-Man, the only other MJ I know.

Pieper, 23, Graduate Student - Happy Valley, OR

Emily: So weird to include this thing about not liking picnics. Like… how did that come up? I also hate the way her name is spelled. I know that’s not her fault, but “Pie”-per. Why?

Susan: I used to love the name Piper. Spelled the way I just typed it. Anyway, Pieper is beautiful and is from a place called Happy Valley, which doesn’t even sound real. I have a soft spot for grad students. 

Kelli: The name spellings in this batch are honestly out of control. That aside, I have nothing else to say about this bio.

Rachael, 24, Graphic Designer - Cumming, GA

Emily: What up, Georgia girl? Her bio says that she’s very neat with organization and cleanliness, and messy with plans and schedule. That’s the absolute opposite of me. I cannot deal with a messy bitch when it comes to plans and scheduling. We could not be friends.

Susan: She’s cute, but this is the most boring bio so far. I know nothing about her.

Kelli: I think it’s troubling that Rachael thinks a partner should love the person they’re with more than themselves, but I guess she’s still pretty young. She’s also a graphic designer and she looks like Rachel Weisz, two things which automatically make me like her, so she can stay.

Saneh, 25, IT Consultant - Denver, CO

Emily: Okay, I really like Saneh. She seems fun, and I also really hate it when people don’t return their shopping carts at the grocery store. I love that she’s energetic, adventurous, and ambitious. And of course she’s stunning.

Susan: I really like her too! Side note: I’ve also done sunrise yoga at Red Rocks before, and it was so cool. She seems driven and smart, and I’m into her. 

Kelli: She seems great! Plus, GO GATA! Lol. 

Sarah, 24, Broadcast Journalist - San Diego, CA

Emily: Another California girl. What’s our count now? 50? Sarah is a trained fire dancer, which I hope is something we’ll get to see on the show because frankly I’m not sure what that means.

Susan: Other than the fire dancer thing, this bio sounds like a thinly drawn description of a Hallmark movie character. 

Kelli: I have seen fire dancing and let me tell you, it’s pretty fucking cool. Unfortunately, there is a lot of emphasis in here about Sarah being a “hopeless romantic” and searching for her “fairytale ending,” which makes me think she has a loose grasp on the experience of being alive in the world. But I don’t know, maybe we just lived through 2020.

Serena C., 24, Flight Attendant - San Francisco, CA

Emily: It’s official. Every woman in California is on the show this season. This is probably the least exciting bio so far (for me). She likes mimosas and loves putting together cute outfits and hates birthday attention. Hmmm… sounds like everyone.

Susan: I, too, love champagne and talking. But this doesn’t tell me anything about her.

Kelli: I do think that her choice of career says a lot about her. Being a flight attendant is a pretty wild job, especially if she’s doing international flights on a regular basis. Of course, I did just watch The Flight Attendant on HBO, so. My idea of what the job entails might be slightly warped.

Serena P., 22, Publicist - Toronto, Ontario

Emily: Serena P. has to be with someone who loves sharing their food. And there are some women in this cast who have explicitly said in their bios that that HATE SHARING THEIR FOOD. So I’m really hoping Serena P. tries to steal a fry off of someone’s plate at some point and the whole house is thrown into a frenzy over it. It’ll be called Fry-gate. It’ll be a whole finasco. 

Susan: The TOP thing on her bucket list is learning how to change a tire? You know there are thousands of YouTube videos on this, right? Dream bigger, Serena P.

Kelli: I was JUST about to say that about the food sharing thing, because this is definitely the third or fourth time this has been mentioned. They’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel for drama in quarantine.

Sydney, 28, Marketing Specialist - Nashville, TN

Emily: She loves the Twilight books, is afraid of amusement parks, and can’t eat avocados. What is her life?

Susan: She’s gorgeous, and I love that the one word her family would use to describe her is “opinionated.” I feel like some of my family might say the same thing about me. But they will never say that I loved the Twilight books because the Twilight books suck. 

Kelli: It’s hilarious to me that she finds amusement parks creepy because there are at least two Disney lovers in the mix. Another source of drama? Sydney gets too OPINIONATED about Disney? I think we might be in for the most dramatic season ever.

Victoria, 27, Queen - Los Angeles, CA

Emily: Oh no. 

Susan: “Launched a few businesses in the health and beauty space” definitely means she sells Arbonne and Monat. 

Kelli: I guess you aren’t allowed to be named Victoria on this show unless you are a certified nightmare person.

And that’s all the women of Matt James’ season! Who will make it through this first week and on to Susan or Emily’s fantasy teams for the season? Come back on Thursday to find out.