We’re nearing the end of Colton’s season, and although it’s hard to focus on anything other than what’s going to happen during next week’s DRAMATIC finale, the beloved “Women Tell All” episode is here to bring us some solace.

(If your idea of solace is 20 women screaming at each other all at once.)

Kelli: Hello! This may come as a surprise to all of you, but Emily has not returned from Australia since yesterday’s recap, so I’m still here filling in for her. God Emily, why is your honeymoon so long??

Susan: Her honeymoon is almost as long as Cassie and Colton’s breakup.

Kelli: Chris begins the proceedings with a short recap of last night’s episode. He reminds us that Cassie dumped Colton, then delivers an incredible monologue. “And what did Colton do? Well, he jumped an eight-foot high fence in a single bound and disappeared into the darkness of the Portuguese countryside.” This shit sounds like a book jacket description for the next Gone Girl.

Susan: You know Chris Harrison has written a novel, right? That’s a real thing that happened.

Kelli: I should read it.

Chris introduces the women, who get varying levels of applause. I've already forgotten who most of the women in the back row are. Notably absent are (obviously) Hannah G., Cassie, and Tayshia, but we're also missing Elyse, which is a bummer.

Susan: It’s worth noting that Hannah B. probably gets the biggest cheer, which I’m sure makes Caelynn’s blood boil.

Kelli: Demi also gets a huge cheer, and she is eating it up. Her hair looks fantastic, but unfortunately, she's wearing ruffles again.

Susan: I’ve never seen Demi not in ruffles.

Kelli: It’s definitely a choice. I say we give 3 points each to Demi and Hannah B. for their applause.

Susan: Since Colton just had the World’s Most Devastating Breakup™, we are treated to a montage of the worst “breakups and breakdowns” in Bachelor history. This included some I had forgotten about: Ali and Frank (still loved his ex-girlfriend), Desiree and Brooks (wasn’t that into her; was definitely gonna win), Jake and Vienna (the most dramatic, easily). And then, inexplicably, Ashley I. and Chris Soules. How are you gonna include this non-breakup and leave out Rachel and Peter, who truly ripped out our hearts.

Side note: If you ever wanna see what pure hatred looks like, watch that Jake and Vienna sit-down with Chris Harrison.

Kelli: One thing that made me really uncomfortable was that during this segment, they included a mini panic attack montage, showing various moments in which women were gasping for air and crying. There was even one woman who was literally lying on the floor moaning and being treated by a medic because her panic attack was so bad. Was this supposed to be… entertaining? Funny? It was neither.

Susan: Oooooh girl. You don’t know about Kelsey from that season. It’s widely believed she faked that panic attack. She pulled off the oxygen mask and giggled and said to the medic, “I better get a rose now.”

Kelli: Okay, yikes. But STILL.

Susan: Chris reminds everyone that there were some “feuds” this season, and we get a montage of all the ~drama~. We see Demi vs. Courtney, Demi vs. The Geriatrics, Onyeka vs. Nicole, Hannah B. vs. Caelynn, and Katie/Tayshia/Kirpa vs. Cassie/Caelynn. Whew.

Kelli: I was already tired of this section before it started.

Susan: OK, so Demi and Courtney. This is dumb. I’m not even sure how their issue became a “thing” because there is no substance to it. Demi just wants some applause.

Kelli: Demi and Courtney get 5 points each for this feud. Basically right as soon as the montage ends, Courtney starts screaming at Demi like, “WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU????” This is the first of many, many moments where Chris tells the women to ‘settle down.’ He has no idea how bad it’s about to get.

Also, I guess we can give 5 points to Catherine for being in a feud with everyone because of her behavior on night one. Nothing interesting comes of this. Oh, and Demi vs. Tracy - 5 points each.

Susan: Onyeka vs. Nicole. Holy shit this was loud. Nicole called Onyeka a bully. Onyeka stood up and gave some dictionary definition of a bully and was like “Name one time I did that to you!” and Nicole is like, “Um, right now is a good example.” Which, true.

Kelli: Again: 5 points each. I would also like to remind everyone that the last time I guest recapped with Emily was during the blowout between Onyeka and Nicole, and I literally said that somebody needed to get Onyeka a dictionary because she doesn’t seem to know the definitions of words like ‘rumor’ (“I wasn’t spreading a rumor, I was just telling him something that was told to me”) and phrases like ‘mentally ill’ (“I would never call someone mentally ill. Nicole is a psycho”). I was very pleased when Nicole owned her, so I will be rewarding Nicole with an additional 3 points.

Susan: It sounds like some of the women thought Nicole was also pretty mean. We of course didn’t see any of that during the season, but I wouldn’t put it past any of them to say someone isn’t pretty enough to get a rose.

Kelli: I was surprised by how many people got involved in this fight and how many of them seemed to be on Onyeka’s side even when it seemed to me like she was definitely being a bully. I mean, it’s shitty if Nicole said that Elyse wasn’t pretty enough to get a rose, but also she might have been joking, because how could you say “Elyse isn’t pretty” and actually be serious? Elyse is fucking gorgeous. I miss her.

Susan: Why is it all of a sudden so offensive to say the word “bully”? I am lost.

Kelli: Yeah, this was really confusing to me. Both Tracy AND Nina told Nicole that calling someone a bully is a SERIOUS accusation, and Nina, a hot blonde, adds that for people like her who were bullied as children, it’s really hurtful when you call someone else a bully.

This literally makes no sense. What should be hurtful to a formerly-bullied person is when SOMEONE IS BEING A BULLY. Not when one person accuses someone else of bullying them. They’re acting like Nicole has falsely accused someone of murder in front of a court of law. Chill the fuck out, y’all.

Susan: Finally we can talk about the “grenade” Katie “rolled in the room” (Chris Harrison’s words) when she left: some girls aren’t ready for marriage. She admits that she was talking about Caelynn and Cassie and informs us of the conversation that it seems several people overheard in Singapore, wherein Caelynn and Cassie talked about one of them being the Bachelorette.

Kelli: 5 points each to Katie and Caelynn, I guess, even though this does not feel like a traditional feud. Katie says that what bothered her the most about the Singapore conversation wasn’t even the Bachelorette talk so much as the way Caelynn and Cassie discussed “winning,” which made her feel like their morals were different from Colton’s morals.

Susan: Caelynn, rather than just owning up to this seemingly fairly innocent conversation, doubles down and accuses Katie of lying.

Kelli: She tells her own version of the story, which is, “Cassie and I are best friends so we were just trying to figure out what our friendship would look like in the future!” Then she adds that this is “definitely true” because she and Katie had a phone call after filming in which Katie said that this version was exactly how it went down. I don’t understand how this qualifies as proof. Is there a recording of the phone call?

Anyway, Katie is horrified by this, and the facial expression she gives in this moment is truly priceless. I hope there is a gif.

Susan: Katie says this is the manipulation that Hannah B. was referring to, and Beast gives her a knowing look. Ah, sweet vindication.

Kelli: I almost fist-pumped.

Susan: More vindication: All these warnings about Cassie not being ready to get engaged to Colton were TRUE. How is anyone still doubting this?

Oh, also apparently one or both of them talked about sliding into past cast members’ DMs, which is more damning.

Kelli: Right - Kirpa chimes in and adds that she and Caelynn also had a phone call in which Caelynn admitted the opposite of the story she’s telling right now, and Kirpa also mentions the DM sliding. So I guess 5 points to Kirpa for hopping briefly into the feud.

Also, this random bitch Jane is like, “Caelynn I just want to commend you for being classy,” and Tahz is immediately like, “She isn’t classy tho? She called Tayshia a stupid bitch.” 3 points to Tahz for shutting Jane (WHO???) down. Oh JK, they both went home on night one and therefore don’t qualify for points.

Susan: Chris asks Hannah B. and Caelynn about their drama, and since they’re both gunning for Bachelorette, they give a very “we’re in a good place” answer.

Kelli: “We’re like oil and water. We don’t mix.” I’m going to go ahead and say that Hannah B. is the water and Caelynn is the oil, since oil doesn’t seem to mix well with most things.

Susan: We need to talk about how Courtney tried to shove a pacifier into Demi’s mouth. What the actual fuck was that? Besides like borderline assault.

Kelli: Seriously, that was fucked up. What really pisses me off about Courtney is that her main complaint about Demi is “you’re immature,” which is true, but then Courtney responds by being EQUALLY IMMATURE. She thinks that just because she’s not smiling and laughing like Demi, she’s the “adult,” but then she does something like stand up from her seat and walk over to Demi to PHYSICALLY SHOVE A PACIFIER into her mouth and then yell “GO TO TIME OUT, DEMI!!!!” It was physically painful to watch, and also embarrassing because it clearly required so much planning. You could tell she expected huge applause and vindication but instead everyone was just kind of horrified. Anyway, I feel like we still have to give her like 3 points for being insane.

Susan: Demi is up first in the hot seat, and she’s ALL about talking about Demi. We see a montage of her time on the show, and her weird giggly-shimmying-trying-to-be-sexy thing she always does with Colton. Please note she is in ruffles throughout said montage.

Kelli: 10 points to everyone who gets time in the hot seat, even if they don’t deserve it.

Susan: She says she talks to her mom almost every day and her mom is in the best place she’s ever been.

Kelli: Chris asks Demi how she responds to people calling her immature, and she says that she feels like she’s more mature than a lot of people because she’s comfortable enough with herself to truly be who she is. She does have a point, but I also feel like she gives off an air of ‘I have nothing to learn in this life,’ which isn’t going to get her very far in the long run when it comes to developing as a human being. Anyway, Demi’s hot seat ends with a heavy implication that we’ll be seeing her in Paradise. Can’t wait to check out that ruffled bikini.

Susan: Nicole is second in the hot seat (10 points), and honestly I have no idea why she is getting this time.

Kelli: I think this was mostly an excuse for them to show a crying montage.

Susan: So Nicole cries a lot. OK. But this is not interesting.

Kelli: True. I cry a lot too, so I appreciated the relatability.

Susan: Weird sponsorship situation here with Halo Top. This is not as good as when Corinne gave everyone cheesy pasta. Also Halo Top is not even real ice cream so the message is basically, “Here, eat this, but don’t get fat.”

Kelli: This might be a good time to mention that throughout this episode, to tease Colton coming up later, they repeatedly flash to a video of him showering — because I guess they’ve been following the response to this season on Twitter. When Nicole randomly wins her year supply of Halo Top, they cut to Colton being given a carton of ice cream in the shower. That… is fucking disgusting.

Also, everyone in the audience gets ice cream too, because why not?

Susan: Hannah B. is up next in the hot seat (10 points). She might as well have emerged from a cocoon and this segment can be titled Metamorphosis. This is Hannah’s Bachelorette set-up if I’ve ever seen one.

Kelli: Yeah, she is leaning into it hard, but I don’t hate it.

Susan: She sounds like me at 24 when I was single for the first time in my real adult life. She says she’s learned so much and changed so much, and I do think she has. I also think she’s got a LOT more to learn and experience. I’m excited for her and would like watching her as the lead.

She even sets up her Bachelorette catchphrase, which is “love fiercely.” It’s Becca’s “do the damn thing” but more like an Instagrammable inspirational quote.

It should be noted that I used the phrase “love each other fiercely” in my wedding vows, and I am divorced. I’m just saying.

Kelli: It should also be noted that she says when she got out of college she was ready to start “spitting out babies.” Is she planning on giving birth through her mouth?

I agree though, I’m down with her as Bachelorette because it wouldn’t be boring. Unlike Cassie, Hannah G., and Caelynn, Hannah B. has a pretty distinct personality and is silly AF, so I think her season would be a lot more fun to watch than any of theirs. I still wish they’d choose Tayshia because I feel like she actually wants to get married and is a smart and cool woman, but they can’t have another black bachelorette for at least another four years.

Susan: Hannah gets to re-do her toast, and she ends it with “and...Roll Tide” again, which is actually funny and endearing this time.

Kelli: Next up is Caelynn (10 points). Watching her recap back, she starts to cry (2 points) because it puts her right back in that place and feeling. She does seem genuinely heartbroken, and while I don’t believe a lot of what she’s said about her conversations with Cassie and the situation with Hannah B., I do believe that she was falling for Colton and that she had it in her head that they were going to end up together. She says she felt reassured every week that they had something special, and was totally blind-sided (everyone’s favorite word) by their breakup. Chris is like, “you were a frontrunner! That sucks!” And she’s like “yep.”

Then, they take a moment to talk about her sexual assault. She says a lot of people have reached out to her since the episode aired, and she’s been really touched by the response. She gets a standing ovation, and I think she deserved it for everything about this part of her storyline — despite all of the other drama surrounding her in the house. 2 points for standing ovation.

Susan: I’m glad they brought up Caelynn’s assault story, and I think she handled this really well by noting that this is a “larger conversation” and not “a moment on the Bachelor.”

Kelli: In my notes, I labeled this next section as “Time to Murder Colton.”

Susan: Colton has emerged from the shower and is on stage! He looks...off. His hair is darker and styled like it’s 2001. He looks like a baby when he is clean-shaven. His tie is bad bad bad.

Kelli: He does the “you all look great!” thing, and all of them look at him like, “fuck you, dude.” It must be so weird to be sitting in a group of 10-20 ex-girlfriends and wondering if your shared ex-boyfriend thinks you look hot tonight. I mean, that’s what I would be wondering.

Susan: He also just looks super not thrilled to be there. It makes me wonder if this whole thing doesn’t actually work out for him in the end…

Kelli: I mean. Is there any way that it could work out at this point?

Demi gets to talk to Colton first. She says she understands why she wasn’t the one - she wanted to lead in the relationship and he someone that could be led - but she appreciates her time with him, and she’s grateful. I’m not totally sure that that’s the only reason it didn’t work out between them, but yeah, we’ll go with that. 3 points for getting to question the lead.

Demi also takes this opportunity to “introduce” Colton to Courtney, since Courtney never ended up talking to him the night of the feud. Incredibly… Courtney says nothing. Is there a spell on her that has forbidden her to speak to Colton? 2 more points to Demi for once again stirring shit up.

Susan: Caelynn (3 points) asks him when he knew it wasn’t her, which is a valid question. Colton delivers some Bachelor word soup about special connections and some other bullshit and never answers the question because he is Colton and cannot articulate anything ever.

Kelli: This moment is so awk because he straight up says “I have no closure for you” and then Caelynn kind of stares at him waiting for him to say more before she realizes he’s got nothing.

Susan: Caelynn says it comes down to “I loved him and he didn’t love me. It sucks.”

Kelli: The truth hurts.

Susan: Hannah B. (3 points) asks him why he took her to meet his family when he wasn’t feeling it with her. Another good question. Another not-answer. She says she appreciated her time with him (but please know that you made her mad!), but overall, she thinks he’s a “good dude.” She’s really giving off an “I can do better than you anyway” vibe and that’s an accurate vibe to have. thank u, next.

Kelli: This makes me think about when he broke up with her and said, “You’ll find someone,” and she was like, “I know.” Like, fucking duh.

Susan: Oh you didn’t think we were gonna leave this hellscape without talking about virginity did you?

Kelli: Damn it.

Susan: Sydney (3 points) asks him if he’s still a virgin. Then he’s like, wait, I need to ask you about a sexual innuendo I didn’t understand four months ago: whack my weeds.

Kelli: So, the answer is yes?

Susan: They take a literal poll on whether or not they think Colton is a virgin. Five women think he still is. Everyone imagines he is bad at sex either way.

Kelli: I wish Chris had taken a poll about that instead.

Susan: Finally. The reason we all watch this nightmare special: Bloopers! Kirpa hits Colton directly in the face with her ass trying to climb off a boat. 3 points for ass to the face.

Kelli: Demi essentially challenges herself to stick a whole thing of sliced sausage into her mouth. I don’t think anyone questions her, but she does it anyway, and through the meat says, “I have a big-ass mouth.” 3 points.

Susan: Hannah B. gets 3 points for being crazy/intense/awesome with her fighting stick. Get it, girl.

Kelli: Lucy the dog growls at Colton and then gives him a kiss. 3 points to Lucy, which defer to Catherine, her owner.

Susan: There’s a bat in the mansion! Didn’t this also happen on Ben’s season? I feel like I remember JoJo trying to catch it.

Kelli: 3 points to Nicole for being the one with the broom in her hand leading the charge against the bat. And people wanna say she’s WEAK?

Susan: We see a teaser for next week that involve Colton crying, Colton talking to his dad, and Colton knocking on...someone’s door. We don’t see who. Kelli, what do you predict is gonna go down next week?

Kelli: I’m thinking he’s going to send both women home, and then he’s going to try to find Cassie.

Susan: I think maybe Cassie didn’t actually leave the country…

Kelli: Either that, or they all fly home and he goes to visit Cassie at her home. What I’m not so sure about is whether or not Cassie is going to agree to give it a shot. Part of me thinks she’ll say yes, it’ll seem like a happy ending, and then when we get to ‘After the Final Rose’ we’ll find out that they’ve already broken up and Colton’s going back to Paradise. It’s just hard to believe that they’re currently together based on his performance during this WTA.

Anyway, Emily will be back for next week’s recap live from Australia, but I will be here in spirit! Thanks for having me, y’all.

Superlatives:

Best Dressed: Hannah B. She looked like a star.

Worst Grasp of Vocabulary: Onyeka. You was bullyin’, girl.

Most Missed: Elyse

Best Bloop: Kirpa and her ass

Most Awkward Sponsorship: Halo Top

Worst Hair: Colton

POINTS:

Drowning in Bitches
Catherine - 8
Courtney - 8
Demi - 31
Hannah B(ama) - 19
Kirpa - 8
Nicole - 21
Tracy - 5
Total: 100
Total from Previous Weeks: 530
Total Total: 630

Here to Make Cocktails
Caelynn - 22
Katie - 5
Onyeka - 5
Sydney - 3
Total: 35
Total from Previous Weeks: 577
Total Total: 612

Team Drowning in Bitches pulls ahead at the last minute, NECK AND NECK with Team Here to Make Cocktails as they head into the special two-night finale! Who will take it all??? Join us next week for the last recap of the season and the dramatic conclusion to this thrilling battle.