Well.. this week was quite a rollercoaster of emotions everyone. We had some high highs and some low lows, so rather than belaboring that point, let’s just get right into it!

Emily: Nǐ hǎo, Bachelor Nation. While Susan is on her very own overseas date in Europe with her boy toy, my friend and yours Kelli will be filling in. Let’s give her a warm welcome.

Kelli: Hello, everyone. It’s me, Kelli, resident Bachelor Nation Newb filling in for Susan while she gallavants through Europe like a real-life Bachelor contestant. There are a lot of things I’m still figuring out about this show, and I have a lot of questions about the things that went down in this episode, but my first question is: can we award Chris Harrison any points? Because he definitely deserves some for calling Hannah B(ama) “Caelynn” in front of this entire group of women. Truly devastating.

Emily: He absolutely did that on purpose. This isn’t Chris Harrison’s first rodeo.

Kelli: We are introduced to Singapore through a montage of generic city footage cut together under what my roommate referred to as “Asian-ass stock music.” The girls give their reactions to the location, and Hannah G. asks the camera, “Where is Singapore?” This is a stupid fucking question, and I feel like it deserves 1 stupid point.

Emily: Classic Bachelor. There’s always got to be one girl who has no clue about geography. Keep doing you, Bachelor. Keep on keeping on.

Kelli: The first one-on-one goes to Tayshia of team Here to Make Cocktails. Because the card says “Let’s fall in love,” she assumes the date will involve waterfalls. Spoiler: it doesn’t.

Emily: We get another Colton cam segment, which is great because it worked so well the first time, so I’m really glad ABC is bringing this back (psych).

Kelli: My favorite part of ColtonCam was when Colton said, “I’m really hoping that today we don’t die.” Incidentally, this is the same pep talk I always give myself before going out on a date.

Emily: Anyway, Colton lets us know that they’re going to be going Bungee jumping. And you know, I feel like it’s been several seasons since we’ve gotten a real daredevil-style one-on-one date, unless you count the date where Vanessa threw up on Nick’s season (I don’t… that shit was tame. Grow up, Vanessa). Anyway, I think Tayshia should get 5 points for enduring the classic Bachelor daredevil date, and of course 20 points for the one-on-one.

Kelli: It seems like Tayshia and Colton are equally enthused about the prospect of Bungee jumping, which is to say that they are not at all enthused. When asked how worried she is on a scale of 1-10, Tayshia says she is at a 20. Somehow, both of them manage to jump without pissing themselves, puking, or weeping, so I’m going to award Tayshia 2 points for bravery.

Emily: Yeah, there’s no way in hell I would do this. Bungee jumping does not seem fun to me in the slightest. Also it seems like Tayshia picked a really awkward way to jump, which I’m assuming lead to some serious whiplash and I am not here for that. Anyway, after the Bungee jumping, they go to the beach. I just want to note here that Tayshia is rocking a one piece, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Sharleen Joynt back in Juan Pablo’s season. So 5 points to Tayshia for rocking a one piece in a bikini world.

Kelli: Yes girl, that suit was gorgeous.

Later, during the evening portion, it’s time for Tayshia to “open up,” which is a major theme of this episode. She reveals to Colton that in the last year and a half she got divorced. Her husband was her first boyfriend, and they were together for six years. It seems like it wasn’t exactly a mutual decision.

Emily: Based on the way she was talking about it, it seemed like her husband cheated on her.

Kelli: Yikes. To comfort her, Colton mentions that his parents are divorced, which I didn’t know, despite the fact that Colton went to hometowns on Becca’s season. Was this unclear, or was I just not paying attention at all during his hometown date? Both options seem equally likely.

Emily: I literally have zero memory of Colton’s hometown date. The only thing I remember about Colton from that episode is him asking Chris Harrison for a “losing your virginity” pep talk before Overnight Dates. A moment that will go down in Bachelor history and which was, it has to be said, epic.

Anyway, 10 points for getting the rose. Nice showing, Tayshia. Also, I just want to note that at the end of their date, Tayshia says they really elevated their relationship which is hilarious because they went up high. 1 point for the bad Bachelor pun.

Kelli: Back at the mansion, the group date card is delivered. It says: “Let’s get a taste of Singapore.” I basically don’t know which team is which at this point, so Emily, I’m gonna let you break down that data.

Emily: Alrighty. So basically everyone is going on this date. From Team Here to Make Cocktails, we’ve got: Hannah G, Sydney, Heather, Onyeka, and Katie. From Team Drowning in Bitches, who are admittedly having a quiet week this week, we have: Elyse, Kirpa, Tracey, Nicole, Demi, Courtney, Cassie, and Hannah B. Hannah B. is freaking out because this means her arch enemy Caelynn (from Here to Make Cocktails) is getting the final one-on-one. So 20 points to Caelynn. Boo.

Kelli: As soon as they realize Caelynn has the one-on-one, Demi decides it’s a good idea to tell the group that she’s frustrated to see more time going towards “this situation,” ie: the beauty queen drama. I don’t thinks he realizes Colton might just be taking Caelynn for a one-on-one because he likes her. Anyway, 2 points to Demi for saying what would normally be an ITM in front of everyone. She truly does not hold back.

Emily: Demi’s pretty much like, “I’m tired of this being the Caelynn and Hannah B show. I am supposed to be the star.” I know that Demi is supposed to be our villain, but TBH she seems like a pretty chill chick to me. I’m already ready for her to shine in BiP this summer. Speaking of Demi, at the beginning of this group date, Demi runs and jumps into Colton’s arms, wrapping her legs around him, which we’ve already established is a major Bachelor move. +5 points. Also, she spends the rest of the group date climbing him like a tree. Another +2 for riding Colton like a horse.

Kelli: The group date is basically just Colton and his pack of women wandering around Singapore checking out street vendors and being painfully American. On the one hand, Singapore looks super fun and I’m glad that we get to see some cool locations while watching this show — but on the other hand, there is a whole lot of cultural insensitivity going on during this date, particularly when we get to the food portion, where we get about 25 reaction shots of the women looking horrified and disgusted by the “weird food” they’re being asked to try.

Emily: Yeah, this was extremely culturally insensitive and I hated everything about this date.

Kelli: The only thing I don’t blame them for being freaked out by is the leech therapy, because, well… it’s leeches.

Emily: I hated the leeches. Like, I would absolutely not be down for that. Courtney asks if the leeches are FDA approved, which… nah, girl. The FDA has no jurisdiction here. +2 for asking a dumb question.

Kelli: Throughout the day portion of this date, several things are happening at once: 1. Hannah B(ama) is freaking out because she keeps trying to “make conversation” with Colton but he isn’t responding. Now she knows how he felt on their one-on-one. 2. Demi is riding around on Colton’s back like a five-year-old, and it’s decidedly creepy.

Emily: Look, Demi is just trying to make the most of her group date time.

Kelli: 3. During a fortune reading, Cassie and Colton learn that they were “siblings in a past life.” It’s kind of hilarious. 4. All day, Courtney is telling the camera that Colton doesn’t make her feel special, and she’s getting frustrated because she feels like she hasn’t had any time with him. Stay tuned; this will come back later.

Emily: Hannah B. is desperate as hell to get Colton to like her again throughout this whole date. Newsflash, Hannah B: He’s just not that into you. He only kept you after your disastrous one-on-one date because the producers hadn’t milked this pageant drama enough yet. She’s so desperate for Colton’s love that she eats a fish eyeball. Which… I’m trying to understand in what world shoving a giant eye in your mouth makes someone fall back in love with you. I don’t know.

Kelli: At the cocktail party, Hannah B. pulls Colton aside first to talk to him about what’s going on with their relationship.

Emily: At which point, Colton is like, “Girl you hate the hell out of that fish eyeball, so we’re good. I’m in love with you again.” I’m paraphrasing. They make out. 2 points.

Kelli: We also get a very important exchange re: Cassie & Colton, past life siblings. I feel like Susan would have things to say about this because she pointed out before that Cassie and Colton sort of look alike to begin with.

Emily: Somehow Susan should get points for this, but she won’t because Cassie belongs to me. So +2 for the making out. +3 because they might be siblings which makes this very Lannister twinsy in a way I am digging. Colton says, “I feel like I’ve known Cassie much longer than I have, and not in a brother sister way.” Clearly this is something you say about your future wife. I’m calling it now. Cassie is winning.

Kelli: Meanwhile, the other girls chat, and Courtney continues to harp on and on about how frustrated she is that she isn’t getting any time with Colton. Demi tries to encourage her to go and talk to him, but Courtney would obviously rather sit here and complain than actually take matters into her own hands. Courtney hasn’t done much prior to this episode, but after witnessing her behavior during this cocktail party, I deeply dislike her, and so does Demi. But Demi don’t got time for this shit right now — she has to have some Real Talk™ with Colton.

Emily: Demi tells Colton about her mother who is incarcerated, which I forgot about for a hot minute. Demi is clearly very upset about this, and she cries, which means +2 points for Team Drowning in Bitches. But also aw, Demi. She’s really growing on me. She and Colton also make out. Cha-ching. 2 more points for me.

Kelli: After Demi’s convo, Courtney still hasn’t talked to Colton. Demi, having tried her best to encourage Courtney to go after what she wants, decides to go back and talk with him again since Courtney doesn’t appear to be doing anything about it. This, of course, is an UNFORGIVABLE OFFENSE in Courtney’s book. The other girls tell Courtney to go and talk to him before it’s too late, but Courtney doesn’t do that — why would she??? Instead, she goes to talk to Demi again.

Emily: Points are going to be doled out here. +3 points to Demi for going after what she wants. +5 points to Courtney for being a general brat (and a cancer in the house to boot, but more on that later). +2 points to Demi for being right in this situation. Sorry, but Courtney you need to sit down. Also, +2 points to Demi for flipping the bird and getting blurred out.

Kelli: The whole exchange is super uncomfortable. I feel like Courtney is trying to seem ‘above’ Demi, but she is so incredibly passive aggressive that her holier-than-thou schtick completely fails. Her insecurity is painful to watch. Even though Demi and Courtney are the same age, Courtney asks ‘how old are you?’ and then claims that Demi’s behavior makes her seem immature — which, sure, but in this scenario Courtney seems even younger to me than Demi does.

Emily: Yes, as Demi puts it, Courtney puts the “ass” in “class.”

Kelli: Ultimately, Demi gets the group date rose for being the one to share a sad story during the party. 10 points to her. Courtney gets 2 points for storming off to cry about it. Boo fucking hoo.

Emily: I think you should get negative points for dramatically threatening to leave the show, but Courtney’s on my team, so nah. Let’s move on to the next one-on-one, which goes to Caelynn, so 20 points to her!

Kelli: For Caelynn’s one-on-one, she is getting the classic spoiled-with-clothing date. I feel like she should get 2 additional points for scoring this one, because it’s basically the only date on this show that will actually have lasting benefits for the participant. Colton might not choose you in the end, but you just scored thousands of dollars in resellable clothing, boo.

Emily: This is one hundred percent the date I would want. Even though these clothes aren’t purchased with Colton’s money, I do think that the fact he chose her for this date suggests that he really likes her. Just remember, on Rachel’s season, who got the spoiled and buying things date? Yes, it was Bryan. Now they are in lurve.

Kelli: And who got it on Arie’s season? Becca. And now… oh wait.

The girls at the house are not happy about this. First, we get Hannah B. telling Hannah G. that knowing Caelynn, she’ll love being pampered. She then performs her terrifying laugh, which my roommate and I agreed looks like her jaw is about to unhinge to release the kraken within her. When Caelynn gets home, the other women do their best to pretend to be happy for her. Some try harder than others.

Emily: The producers absolutely do this on purpose any time there’s a date like this. After all, what’s the point of getting a whole bunch of fancy shit for free if you can’t flaunt it in front of the losers who have been cooped up in a hotel for days? Also you forgot to mention, Caelynn jumps into Colton’s arms and wraps her legs around him. Signature Bachelor move lands you 5 points.

Kelli: Two points to Cassie for crying in her ITM. This is, perhaps, my favorite moment of the episode. “I am so happy for Caelynn,” she says, trying to keep a straight face, and then immediately bursts into tears again. It’s hilarious.

Emily: Can someone please give Cassie a one-on-one date already? This is getting out of hand. She basically cries any time anyone else goes on a date with Colton.

Kelli: The dinner portion of Caelynn and Colton’s date brings us to our third and final Real Talk™ moment of the episode. Caelynn has alluded in past episodes to some “real life shit” that she needs to talk to Colton about, and while I did wonder if it had anything to do with sexual assault, the last thing I expected from this show was for it to air a conversation like this one.

Emily: I actually think she show handled it tastefully, allowing her to basically share the story on her terms. She came off incredibly strong here, and I feel like it’s important for stories like this to be told (if the person is comfortable sharing it).

Kelli: This moment struck me as really incredible. It encompassed not only the horror of what happens to many women on a daily basis, but also the guilt and shame that often accompanies sexual assault, abuse, and rape. I was really impressed by how straight forward Caelynn was as she detailed her experience and what followed, including her hesitation to speak to anyone about what happened, even her own mother. I think she deserves at least 10 points for this.

Emily: 100 percent agree. I was really impressed too with how sensitive Colton appeared as she was telling her story. I say appeared because suddenly, in the record scratch moment of the night, Colton found a way to make this about his virginity again. Which… read the room, bro. Not now.

Kelli: Obviously, Caelynn gets the rose, so 10 more points to her. She says that she can “see herself falling in love with him.” Have we established a point count for love-adjacent phrases? Whatever it is, Caelynn gets # points, and Taiysha retroactively gets # points because she said the same thing during her post one-on-one ITM.

Emily: Kelli, as the guest recapper, you should feel more welcome to just assign points to things. You know we just make this shit up as we go, right? Let’s say 5 points to each of them.

Kelli: YAS.

Finally, we reach the cocktail party. Hannah G. steals Colton away, and after discussing how much they like each other they proceed to basically dry hump on the bed. 3 points to Hannah G. for dry humping. Meanwhile, Caelynn pulls Hannah B(ama) aside to address the huge-ass elephant in the room.

Emily: So Caelynn basically says that she remembered that dudes are terrible and that girl power is a thing so, you know, as strong independent women they should support each other or whatever. Hannah B. agrees, and is like, look, I just want to have fun while I’m here. Hannah B.’s theme for the episode is having fun. She seems really focused on that. Probably because she had so little fun on her one-on-one date and she’s trying to make up for lost time.

Kelli: Demi, still pissed at Courtney, goes to Colton and tells him that Courtney is THE CANCER OF THE HOUSE. This is a phrase we will hear uttered approximately 15 more times before the end of the episode, and it is tres harsh. 3 points to Demi for finding creative new ways to be a bitch. Obviously, this concerns Colton, and he proceeds to perform what I will now dub The Colton Method. Step 1: Pull aside the woman in question. Step 2: Tell her exactly which girl was talking shit about her. Step 3: Provide key words from the shit talking. “Words that stood out to me: Cancer of the house.” Step 4: ???

Emily: Colton, what is wrong with you? Courtney tells Colton that Demi “isn’t here for the right reasons,” which is such a huge bachelorism that there’s a rap about it, so I think that’s 5 points.

Kelli: Courtney comes back to the group and asks, Mean Girls style, “Raise your hand if you think I’m the cancer of the house.” Demi’s like, “Ooh, me!”

Emily: I love this because Demi is totally open about the fact that she talked crap about Courtney, but Courtney is trying to act like she didn’t say anything to Colton about Demi.

Kelli: The expressions on the other girls’ faces during this scene is priceless. Reminds me of Wills and Jason cracking up in the background when Jordan and David were fighting with each other. Classic.

Emily: I was kind of hoping we’d get more of their expressions. Also, let’s be clear: nothing is better than Wills laughing at Jordan and David.

Kelli: FINALLY, it’s the Rose Ceremony. I didn’t write down the order the names got called, but Tracey and Courtney get sent home. Demi is ecstatic, having vanquished both of her enemies. “Dr. Demi cut off the cancer!” Take a moment to picture Demi as your surgeon.

SUPERLATIVES:

Most Unwanted Return: The Colton Cam. Nobody likes this. Just stop it, Bachelor.

Overall Female Empowerment Award: Caelynn gets this for not only opening up about her sexual assault to Colton, but also for patching things up with Hannah B. We’re proud of her.

Most Pathetic: Courtney’s entire attempt to discredit Demi.

Worst Colton Moment: When he brings up his virginity and somehow tries to equate it to Caelynn’s experience with sexual assault.

And here are the points for this week, and FOR ALL TIME:

Here to Make Cocktails:
Hannah G. - 4
Caelynn - 52
Tayshia - 48
Total: 104
Total from Previous Weeks: 81
Total Total: 185

Drowning in Bitches:
Demi - 23
Cassie - 5
Hannah B. - 2 
Courtney - 14
Total: 44
Total from Previous Weeks: 136
Total Total: 180

Here to Make Cocktails comes from behind this week. We’re neck and neck. Can’t wait to see how this plays out, friends. See you next week!