Emily: Hello Kelli, and welcome back for another week of recapping this BS.

Kelli: Hello. Glad to be back.

Emily: We open up this episode with a graphic of the girls flying from Singapore to Thailand. Demi says that Singapore was a very sexy city. Meanwhile, Colton is showering because basically that’s all he does in his free time. Just showering, playing with big heavy sports ropes, and then showering again.

Kelli: I’m really growing tired of the showers. Do you think they’re doing this to counter the grossness of the fact that Colton doesn’t wear underwear? Like, it’s okay because his junk is clean? It’s not okay, Colton.

The first one-on-one date of this episode goes to never-been-kissed Heather, who is so excited about getting this date that she absolutely refuses to close her mouth. She is the human embodiment of the :D face. We obviously get a montage of her brushing her teeth, because we all know what this one-on-one means: Heather is finally going to get KISSED.

Emily: Seriously, I’m so over Susan’s team and all their one on ones at this point. Can Team Drowning in Bitches catch a break or what? Anyway, so Heather shows up to the one on one date and immediately embraces Colton and wraps her legs around him. She doesn’t even need to get a running and jumping head start because she is so skinny and she’s all limbs. Look, I’m not trying to body shame anyone. I’m just noting how the mounting method for someone like Heather is very different than someone like Demi. It’s all about body composition here. Anyway, I guess Heather gets points here for the one on one (20, goddamn). And also points for wrapping her legs around Colton, although I’m deducting points for not doing the romantic running and jumping first. It’s like she’s never watched an episode of this show (2 points).

Kelli: Don’t jump shame, Emily. It’s disrespectful. I would, however, like to take a moment to point out that Heather gives me serious horse girl vibes. I think it’s her long sheet of uncut, untreated blonde hair. It’s pretty, but something about it also says “I read every book in The Saddle Club series.”

Heather and Colton get on a tiny boat, as you do, and ride it out to a floating island, which seems to be composed mostly of street markets.

Emily: So basically Colton and Heather walk around and have authentic Thailand experience? I’m unsure of how Colton knows what an authentic Thailand experience is because he’s the whitest white boy to ever white boy.

Kelli: There’s one point where Heather tries on some shirt at one of the markets and she’s like, “it’s so Thailand!” And he’s like, “yeah, SO Thailand.”

Emily: LOL it’s like Raven, but Thailand. And a shirt. But either way, as they walk around doing their thing, Heather talks to Colton about her past relationships, and I’m sitting here thinking, okay, but is it a relationship if you didn’t kiss them? Especially if you dated them for EIGHT MONTHS?

Kelli: I don’t understand how that’s physically possible. Later on during the evening portion, she elaborates on her college “relationship,” which basically sounds like two people going on a first date over and over again for eight months straight. I am hesitant to even count that as a relationship… they didn’t touch, and she didn’t seem to like him as anything more than a friend? Maybe she just had a friendship and didn’t realize that’s what it was. Now I feel sad.

Emily: I have some tea on the Heather and Cassie situation that might shed some light on both of their one on ones this week, but I will wait to discuss when we get to Cassie’s date. CONSIDER THIS A TEASER.

Kelli: Well, consider me teased. ;)

Emily: Back at the beautiful Thailand resort, Elyse is getting in her head. She’s crying because she hasn’t had a one on one with Colton since Week 2, and I’m a little confused because has she noticed how many other girls are here? Colton’s not ready to double dip just yet, honey. Anyway, she’s crying, so points for me. I mean for my team. How many points is crying again?

Kelli: Crying is 2 points!

Emily: The group date card arrives. On the group date is: Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B, Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Nicole, Hannah G, and Elyse. That means Cassie gets the one on one (20 points to Cassie), and Elyse cries some more.

Kelli: I am not going to give her more crying points because I feel like this is technically the same crying occasion. It’s like crying leftovers.

Emily: Back on the one on one with Heather, Colton still hasn’t kissed this girl, and since we don’t have a cartoon crab to sing to them about it, The Bachelor powers that be just send up some fireworks. Finally, Colton’s like, “Fucking fine. I’ll kiss her.” Heather’s chiron now reads “Has Been Kissed.” 2 points for her. You did it, girl. Her reason for being on the show is over, so she’ll probably go home soon.

Kelli: I would also like to point out that Colton gave Heather the rose BEFORE they even kissed, which seems weird since nothing actually happened and it seemed like there was no real reason for him to give it to her — especially since most of their one-on-one featured Hannah B(ama) levels of awkward silence. It’s particularly bad in the moments leading up to the kiss. A dialogue sample: “The fire. The stars, the water, the beach. The waves.” They have so little to talk about that they literally just start listing things that are in their line of vision.

Anyway, 10 points to Heather for getting the rose, I guess.

Emily: Just as Heather is coming back from her date, we get shots of Elyse angrily curling her hair. This girl is really going for a LEWK tonight with this white dress and the updo. She clearly means business.

Kelli: She stays for about five seconds after Heather’s return to the house, and then gets up and unceremoniously walks out. All the girls are like ‘uhhhh.’ Someone says, “she looks really good?” Honestly, she looks fucking gorgeous, so I’m giving her 2 points for that entire ensemble. Even my famously stylish roommate Justine said “that dress is beautiful.”

Emily: Elyse goes to talk to Colton in her awesome outfit with her beautiful hair, and it seems like she’s trying to create a romantic moment. So then when she actually starts talking, I get confused.

Kelli: So, Elyse basically starts talking in circles about how much she’s struggling at the house seeing him go on dates with other girls, but that she really loved their one-on-one and felt like their time together was so special, but she’s really struggling, but she likes him so much, but she’s struggling. I think what she’s trying to say is that The Bachelor is not for her, and she’s unfortunately just now realizing it. What she wants is a “normal” relationship where she can go all-in from the get-go when she likes someone, and she’s having too hard a time sitting around waiting for his attention — especially when she’s expected, if she makes it to the end, to accept a proposal. Throughout all of this, she’s crying, so we’ll give her 2 more points since this time she’s doing it in a fancy outfit.

Emily: I really tried to transcribe some of what Elyse was saying here, but I got nothing. None of it made a whole lot of sense when written out. She did look fancy though.

Kelli: Ultimately, Elyse tells Colton that she has to leave. He is not happy about it. They share a prolonged, tearful goodbye hug, for which I will award Elyse 2 final points. In her ITM, she talks about how this is probably a mistake and she already regrets this decision, and says she’s heartbroken and disgusted with herself. I got the impression that this whole situation was just too much for her, and that maybe it’s causing her way more anxiety than it’s worth — and I can understand that. I do wonder: do we think this focus on her making a “mistake” means she’ll be back before the season is over?

Emily: I don’t know, but I’m super bummed about her leaving so early because I was really counting on Elyse being a potential next Bachelorette contender. Now there is NO WAY she will be considered because A) she left too early and B) she clearly doesn’t believe in “THE PROCESS” (™) which is a prerequisite for being considered as the lead for this show. She probably won’t be asked to be on BiP either, so really this just sucks all around. Think of the fabulous outfits and hairdos that COULD HAVE BEEN.

Kelli: The next morning, COLTON CAM RETURNS. This is unfortunate. Colton talks about how Elyse left the night before and how hard that was for him because of his fears and whatnot. Maybe he’s just squinting from the sun, but it kiiind of looks like he’s been crying all night. Which, if he has, no shame — it just seems like an unfortunate moment to be forced into doing a poorly-lit selfie video.

Emily: I’m giving Elyse 2 MORE PARTING POINTS for making Colton cry and sullying this sacred Colton Cam moment. Anyway, it’s time for the group date so there’s no more time to cry about Elyse. RIP, Elyse.

Kelli: The women arrive at the date riding in one of those jungle safari trams. It feels like the safari ride at Animal Kingdom, except probably a little more dangerous. We learn that today, the group is going to be… jungle-ing? Colton says he needs a wife who will “go on adventures with him.” I think what he means to say is that he wants a wife who will be “the brave one.”

Emily: Look, we get it. He needs a strong woman. How many times are you going to tell us this? Also I want to interrupt this programming to remind everyone that Kirpa is still here and she has a giant bandage on her chin that literally no one mentions or cares about. Someone needs to watch over Kirpa, everyone. We can’t forget about her. She’s getting herself hurt and no one knows how or why.

Kelli: I also need to pause here and note that during the little montage sequence where the women talk about how adventurous they are, there is a shot of some kind of CREATURE in the bushes, and even after I rewound and watched the moment again, I could not tell what the fuck that thing was. I swear to god these motherfuckers just entered The Shimmer.

Emily: I think Mary’s non-existent team gets 100 points here because someone made an Annihilation reference, and we all know every time someone makes and Annihilation reference, a Mary gets her wings. But yes, I think they just entered The Shimmer, in other words.

Kelli: Perhaps the wild Shimmer beast is what attacked Kirpa and gave her a chin injury.

Suddenly, the group comes upon a man who Colton introduces as his “friend” Joe, who was “raised in the jungle.” If there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that Colton and Joe are not friends. Joe is here to teach Colton and the women how to survive in the jungle, which means it’s time for everyone’s favorite activity: eating bugs!!! They also get water from bamboo, eat raw banana shoot, and smell elephant shit. It’s extremely romantic.

Emily: This is great for Hannah B. because it gives her an opportunity to do her favorite mating ritual: eating weird things that shouldn’t be eaten in order to attract a mate. This is clearly her one move, and it’s a weird one. After eating a gross big ole bug, Hannah B. says, “The most ferocious animal in the jungle is Hannah Beast.” Ok, girl. Anyway, I’m really confused about the “lessons” they’re learning here. At one point, Colton’s BFF Joe hands him a giant python that CLEARLY wasn’t just out in the wild. That was a fancy well-groomed python that is someone’s pet. Either way, Colton is freaking out runs away like a baby. At this point, I’m yelling at the screen, “COLTON IF BRITNEY CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT!” Clearly Britney has better survival skills than Colton. Also now I want to listen to “Slave 4 U” because it is a jam. Back to the date...

Kelli: Now that they’ve learned all of the necessary skills, the women get split into three teams. Team 1 is Demi and the Hannahs.

Emily: Demi and the Hannahs is the name of my punk rock band.

Kelli: Can I be one of the Hannahs?

Emiy: Ya. Sure.

Kelli: Team 2 is Sydney, Kirpa, Onyeka, and Caelynn, and Team 3 is Nicole, Tayshia, and Katie — and they get the added bonus of having Colton on their team! It’s not really a bonus because he seems to have less survival skills than any of the women, but at least they get to spend more time with him?

Emily: Yeah, there’s nowhere to shower out here, so Colton is basically useless.

Kelli: It’s unclear what the point of this competition is. I think they’re supposed to just bring back survival-y stuff that they find? There are no rules and there’s no set goal, so we end up with a lot of the women just wandering around in the jungle. Team 1 (Demi + Hannahs) decides — or really, Demi decides — that they’re going to take advantage of the complete lack of structure of this challenge, and they peace the fuck out.

Emily: Hannah G.’s like, “We probably won’t survive, but we’re gonna have fun doing it.” Love it. I’ve heard some people getting up in arms about this around the Internet watering hole, and you know, haters gonna hate. I commend them for thinking smarter, not harder. Plus we all know Demi and the Hannahs are the real winners here for day drinking while everyone else plays with bugs. I don’t care what BFF Joe says.

Kelli: Meanwhile, Tayshia pulls Colton aside from the other members of their team to make out with him behind a tree. Nicole and Katie see it happening and talk about how it’s “awkward” and “annoying,” but I’m going to give Tayshia 2 points for being bold AF.

Emily: For real. Get it, Tayshia. I feel like this was a real watershed moment in her and Colton’s relationship, in all honesty. She might be making it to the finals.

Kelli: I really hope so. I did not think any women of color were going to make it far on Colton’s season, but Tayshia is constantly upping her game.

The teams return to present their findings to Joe. Team 2 and 3 have gathered some shit from the jungle, but the attention on their survival skills is pretty much completely diverted by Team 1, who slide back in just in time for the judging to present BURGERS and CHAMPAGNE. Joe is not pleased, but I think Demi deserves 5 points for the ingenuity (and the Hannahs can have 2 points each for fully embracing Demi’s insanity).

Emily: Demi tells the camera, “These other ladies can suck maggots, but me I’m drinking champagne.” #BigMood

Emily: Time for the cocktail party! Let’s start with Hannah B.’s one on one time with Colton, wherein she drops the F-bomb. In Bachelor terms, that means she tells him she’s “FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM.” Major points for this. It’s gotta be 10 points for the F-bomb.

Kelli: Is it just me, or does this seem really soon? I guess Hannah B. did get the first one-on-one, but still. Anyway, Colton also has a little moment with Tayshia on the beach where he thanks her for pulling him aside for the kiss earlier, because it shows that she cares. Then, because they were “distracted” by the other women, they make out some more.  2 points.

Emily: Alright, are we ready for the real drama of the episode?

Kelli: I’m ready.

Emily: Onyeka tells Demi that Elyse told her that Nicole told her that she was only doing The Bachelor to get out of Miami. That’s a heck of a lot of telephone, and also, the way Onyeka talks about Miami makes it seem like it’s some shithole small town with zero opportunities. Like, I wouldn’t want to live in Miami or anything, but TBH, it’s better than where I live now, so… ?

Kelli: As someone who was born in Miami, I am… not at all affected by this turn of events.

Emily: Anyway because Demi is the fucking kingpin of this whole operation and everyone is basically working for her, she convinces Onyeka that the best idea would be to go directly to Colton and let him know what she heard Elyse heard Nicole say. This whole drama is like an onion. There are so many layers to peel. Anyway, 5 points to Demi and Onyeka for stirring the shit. This is what I live for.

Kelli: So, Onyeka goes to Colton and tells him what Elyse told her. Colton is horrified, obviously, because this is one of his “greatest fears.” Colton has at least 20 greatest fears.

Emily: Shit gets even more real when Tayshia asks Onyeka what she told Colton. When Onyeka tells Tayshia what Elyse told Onyeka that Nicole told her, Tayshia’s all, “Well I was there for that conversation, and that’s not what was said at all.” OH SNAP.

Kelli: This moment made me love Tayshia SO MUCH. She shut Onyeka down so fast, it was hilarious. Onyeka’s just like “....oh. Well I didn’t know that.” And Tayshia’s like, “yeah, but that’s the problem, because now you told Colton,” and basically calls Onyeka out for spreading rumors when she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. 3 points to Tayshia for being an adult. Onyeka says, “I’m not spreading rumors. I literally told him something I was told.” 2 points to Onyeka for not understanding words, or what they mean.

Emily: Nicole swears to Colton that she’s here for the #RightReasons. I love a good Bachelor buzzword. 5 points for you, Nicole. You go, Nicole. Also she cries. 2 points.

Kelli: I was just shocked that Colton didn’t apply The Colton Method.

Emily: There are so many great contenders for the group date rose today, especially NotOnyeka and NotNicole, but ultimately Hannah B. wins out for the rose because she completed the ultimate Hannah Beast mating ritual of eating a bug. And she dropped the F-bomb. And she gave herself a funny nickname. Good job, Hannah Beast. 10 points.

Emily: Finally my girl and yours CASSIE is getting her 1-on-1 time with Colton. I’m really of two minds here. I’m happy because I like Cassie and this means I get all the one on one date points. But I’m sad because this will probably temper Cassie’s crying for at least one whole episode, so I’m out those points now. Which really is a bummer. Anyway, for their date, Colton and Cassie get an island in the middle of the ocean but like… there’s nothing to do there? Like… what are they going to do? It’s literally just a block of sand and I’m getting sunburned just looking at it.

Kelli: They’re going to make out, Emily. They make out for the ENTIRE DATE, and then Colton brings her to a patch of sand and is like, ‘this is all ours! We can make out more!’

Emily: Colton says, “Cassie and I fit really well together.” I think he means that sexually, because all they’re doing is making out, and he’s probably got a serious boner right now. 2 points for making out and giving Colton an ocean boner.

Kelli: It’s kind of funny that they keep cutting back to the girls at the hotel being like, “Cassie is so pretty. Colton wants to fuck her. Do you think they’re having a good time?” Like, they are all 100% certain that Colton and Cassie are having a good time, but they still pretend to be skeptical just to make themselves feel better.

Emily: I’m getting SERIOUS front-runner vibes from Cassie. He tells her she’s SO special, which basically translates to: “I am going to propose to you at the end of this.” Just saying. I speak Bachelor.

Kelli: Oh, totally. I think she’s going to win. I think we’ve all been saying that since like, week 2. The way they touch each other, it seems like they’ve been dating forever — and they make a point to agree that they feel like they’ve known each other for a really long time, and how weird it is that they both feel that way. I mean, it’s not that weird when you think about how they were brother and sister in a past life, but whatever. I’m sure they just have a really great connection.

Emily: When they’re finally done dry humping in the ocean and they get around to sitting down and talking to one another, it’s time for Cassie’s big sob story. I feel it coming because she looks like she’s on the verge of tears and she seems hesitant to say what she’s about to say. “We’re very different people,” she tells Colton. “OMG WHAT? HOW?” I’m basically shouting at the screen at this point. “Like, I’m not a virgin,” she says. Whomp whomp. So… her dark sob story is that she’s not a virgin? Slut shame much?

Kelli: She basically says that it’s hard for her to have her personal life “out in the open” because people in her “community” are going to find out that she’s not a virgin, and they’re going to have to have “conversations” about it. It’s weird.

Emily: Anyway, between Cassie, a 23 year-old woman, nearly crying because she’s had sex before and Heather admitting on her one-on-one date that she dated a dude for eight months and never kissed him, this episode had me feeling like I stepped into some Puritan Twilight Zone. Then (and here is the tea I mentioned earlier) I found out something very enlightening about Cassie and Heather. They both attended a Christian university that does not allow alcohol or sex.

Kelli: Ohhhhhhhhh.

Emily: I want to know how a university enforces a “no sex” rule. Do they check their student’s hymens on the regular? What is going on here? I guess I’m going to need to seek out this reality show to get answers.

Kelli: You can tell just by looking at someone when they’ve done the deed, Emily. They just look dirtier.

Emily: At the end of the day, I don’t really care about the fact that Cassie has been on a reality TV show before. But her comments about her community judging her for having sex make SO MUCH more sense in this context. I just wish the show would give us this back story, because it makes both Cassie and Heather’s weirdness about intimacy much more valid and much less weird slut-shaminess. Which is how it’s coming off out of context. That is 100% on ABC, and I’m really over that narrative this season. Am I making sense? I have a lot of anger.

Kelli: Nah, I agree. It sucks because it’s not only ABC responsible for the slut-shaminess (which yeah, they need to get their shit together), but also this university that Cassie and Heather both attended. Like, that shit has to seriously fuck with your ideas about sexuality — in Heather’s case, it’s likely what stopped her from even KISSING a boy she dated for eight months, and in Cassie’s, it forced a ton of guilt onto her when she didn’t abide by these archaic standards. I’m sick of people telling women what to do and how to be.  

Emily: Cassie and Colton go back to his room for more dry humping. He says he never brings a girl back to his bed on a first date. Boy, you just did this LAST WEEK with Hannah G. Are you even really a virgin? This is starting to sound like a line you give all the girls. Anyway, 5 points to Cassie for making out in bed.

Kelli: At some point, Cassie gets the rose, though I’m pretty sure they don’t even show Colton giving it to her. She’s just holding it in her ITM. So, 10 points for dat rose.

Emily: It’s time for the cocktail party. Here we see Kirpa flossing Colton’s teeth. Kirpa thinks flossing is a personality trait. Still, no one has mentioned why Kirpa has a bandage on her chin. #JusticeForKirpa

Kelli: Nicole announces to the group that she’s going to have a very important conversation with Colton tonight. There is an incredibly awkward and tense silence. Everyone is uncomfortable. Nicole and Onyeka have only JUST BEGUN to ruin everything.

Emily: Awww yeah. Bring it.

Kelli: Tayshia brings Colton one of those cute floating lanterns that you make a wish on, because she’s always wanted to go to a lantern festival in Thailand but they won’t have the chance during this trip. Usually I hate these little gimmicks at the cocktail parties, but this was really sweet. All the girls are watching like, “aww, I loooove thoooose,” clearly jealous that they didn’t think of this cute-ass idea. 3 more points to Tayshia, who is really just killing it this episode.

Emily: Tayshia is really showing up this episode, not only making herself known to Colton but also to the audience as DA TRUE MVP. Now that Elyse is no longer in contention for Bachelorette, could it be Tayshia?

Kelli: I fucking hope so!!!

Emily: Think of all the cute one-piece swimsuits Tayshia would serve.

Kelli: Speaking of horrible cocktail party gimmicks, Demi brings Colton a trust ring. She puts it on him and then tells him she’s always gonna protect him. How do these things relate? Then they make out, and Colton barely moves his mouth. I’m here for Demi, but Colton is not.

Emily: Well… Colton has bad taste. Either way, making out happens, so 2 points for Demi.

Kelli: Finally: Nicole sits down with Colton. She reiterates what she said the other night — that she IS here to find love with him, not to escape Miami, because she loves Miami and leaving has actually been very hard for her. I buy this, since we’ve seen that she’s very close to her brother and she had to leave him behind to come on this show. She cries more, and she will continue to cry several more times throughout the course of this evening, so I’m going to just give her 5 points for all the crying. Is that fair?

Emily: Yes, sounds good.

Kelli: Anyway, Nicole also tells Colton that she has something else to share with him. According to Nicole, Onyeka has been bullying her throughout this entire competition. Nicole says that Onyeka is spreading rumours about her to the other girls, telling them she’s “emotionally unstable,” and belittling her.

Emily: I can tell we’re about to get to the moment that’s been teased in the Bachelor trailers for WEEKS now. I’m getting fired up. Onyeka is about to call Nicole a LIAR. Let’s do this.

Kelli: As usual, Colton is like, “oh no. I must confront this problem head-on. Let me tell Onyeka exactly what Nicole said.” Unfortunately, this time Colton makes a mistake during his method — instead of parroting “emotionally unstable,” he tells Onyeka that Nicole said that ONYEKA said that she’s “MENTALLY unstable.” Onyeka is ~horrified~ at the prospect that she would ever call anyone such a thing! “I would never call anyone mentally unstable,” she tells Colton. Cut to the ITM, where Onyeka says, “Nicole is literally a psycho.” 2 more points to Onyeka for being a dumbass. She needs to get her hands on a dictionary.

Emily: EL OH EL.

Kelli: Onyeka returns to the group and asks to talk to Nicole privately. Immediately, the two launch into an argument about who lied about what, who’s bullying who, who is the mean one, and who is truly mentally and/or emotionally unstable.

Emily: At this point, they both seem crazy AF, but I’m #TeamNicole here because first of all, she’s literally on my team, and secondly, Onyeka is contradicting herself left and right here.

Kelli: She really is. It’s messy. I didn’t mind her before this, but now I’m pissed. Nicole I’ll give a pass to, maybe, because I’ve enjoyed her commentary up to this point and she doesn’t seem to have problems with anyone else. She just cries a lot, which… I would too.

Anyway, The producers have given everyone about 15 square feet of space to walk around in, so this argument can be heard by the entire cocktail party — the girls who are grouped together chatting, as well as Colton and Katie, who are trying to have a private convo.

Emily: Poor Katie deserves better than this.

Kelli: Eventually, because he cannot talk while other people are also talking, Colton excuses himself from his convo with Katie and walks over to where Nicole and Onyeka are talking. They’re both like, “oh hey Colton, what’s up?” He tells them to keep talking, and then sits there silently. He’s basically supervising their argument, contributing nothing. They continue to talk in circles, and eventually Colton just stands up and walks away.

Emily: Colton is confusing sometimes. It almost seemed like he was living for the drama because he was just sitting there listening like he was the goddamn Michael Jackson popcorn gif meme. And then he gets upset and walks away. I’m not sure what his game plan was here.

Kelli: At this point, everyone starts freaking the fuck out because Colton walked away, which… calm down, y’all. He just wants like five seconds of time to himself. The women are like, “oh my god, what if he calls it quits???” Do they know how this show works?

Emily: Yeah, there’s no way he’s calling it quits. Please.

Kelli: The episode ends in a way that I know you hate more than anything else in this world, Emily: TO BE CONTINUED. Meaning there’s no rose ceremony, meaning this is probably going to fuck up the rose ceremony next week too. This shit is stressful and dumb.

Emily: Look, I NEED STRUCTURE.

Kelli: Here’s hoping that next week, Susan will bring the structure with her upon her return from Europe. I take over for two weeks and everything goes to shit. BYE.

Superlatives

Most likely to have gone through/to still be going through a horse phase: Heather. Nuff said.

Best outfit: Elyse’s parting gift to us was that dress. Goodbye, sweet Alaskan redhead. We hardly knew you.

Worst at understanding word definitions and not negating oneself within a single sentence: Onyeka

Best at Giving Colton a Boner: His BFF Joe. JK it’s Cassie.

Best at pretending to be Colton’s BFF: Joe

Best at eating weird shit as a form of flirting/a mating ritual: Hannah BEAST

Worst comeback: A tie between ColtonCam and the ‘To Be Continued’ conceit.

Most mysterious: Kirpa’s chin

Best Guest Recapper: Kelli

Most Likely to Return Next Week: Susan

Most Loyal Recapper So Far: Emily

Here to Make Cocktails:
Hannah G. - 2
Heather - 34
Onyeka - 9
Tayshia - 10
Total: 55
Total from Previous Weeks: 185
Total Total: 240

Drowning in Bitches:
Demi -  12
Cassie -  37
Elyse - 6
Hannah B. -  22
Nicole - 12
Total: 89
Total from Previous Weeks: 180
Total Total: 269

Drowning in Bitches is back on top, but who’s to say what will happen when Susan returns? Til next time, fools.