Susan: I’m back, Bachelor bitches! Let’s get this recap show on the road.

Emily: I have to say, I loved having Kelli guest, but it’s good to have the OG Bachelor team back together. Welcome back, Susan! Tell us what we saw here at the start of the show.

Susan: Appropriately, we begin with an in-show recap of last week’s Nicole/Onyeka fight and Colton’s dramatic storm-off to the beach to stare into the middle distance. Heather tells Hannah G. what she missed and explains how pacing works (“Back and forth, back and forth”). Got it.

Emily: While Colton is off sulking, Onyeka heads back to the group and is like, “Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by me.” Obviously no one raises their hand. Nicole cries some more, probably. I don’t remember. I’m irritated because I am not here for this “To Be Continued” BS. I had already forgotten about the Nicole and Onyeka drama from last week, and I did not like having to return to this place. We all know they’re going home. Let’s get this show on the road, people. We have Bachelors to devirginize. So yeah, Colton’s pacing and upset and I have no idea why, because he can send these girls home right now and be done with it.

Susan: Chris Harrison gets sand in his nice shoes to go say to Colton, “You seem pissed.”

Emily: I don’t understand why Chris Harrison is still so bad at talking to people at this point. Like, that’s literally his only job. And yet every time he has to interact with a Bachelor/ette contestant, it’s like he’s never given advice or listened to anyone talk about their feelings before in his life. “What are feelings?” asks Chris Harrison. In the words of former Bachelor/BiP star Taylor (RIP Derek and Taylor), Chris Harrison lacks “emotional intelligence.”

Susan: Nicole and Onyeka are stressed about this rose ceremony even though literally every other person alive knows they’re both going home. Nicole does the sign of the cross. Girl, Jesus does not watch this show.

Emily: This is taking up precious time that could be used on finding out why Kirpa hurt her chin last week. I am over it.

Susan: So yeah, they both go home. They both cry. 2 points each. See you both in Paradise, ladies.

Emily: Don’t care.

Susan: Let’s go to a new country. OK BOOM now we’re in Vietnam. Back by no one’s demand: Colton Cam. He humblebrags that he got out on the beach to run before other regular humans were awake. Congrats on your exercise.

Emily: Colton needs sunglasses. Or at least he needs to not directly look into the sun while filming his selfie videos. My head hurt for him.

Susan: Hannah G. finally gets a one-on-one and pretends she wasn’t expecting it. 20 points to Hannah G. They go to a spa. Hannah G. has eyes and a smile, says Colton. He likes eyes and smiles. They both talk about how horny they are for each other without saying it directly. Colton says she looks like a sushi roll and that he “would definitely eat that sushi roll.” She says, “Colton makes me so excited.” Ew, you guys.

Emily: 100% chance Colton had a boner on this entire date. He keeps referring to her as Hannah G., and I can’t think of anything less romantic than being referred to by both your first name and last initial on a date. Nonetheless, they make out and don’t talk at all, so who knows if Hannah G. is even aware of what Colton calls her?

Susan: They grind on each other in a shower. We’ll just call it 2 points because all of us are over it by this point. At dinner she asks what his favorite part of the daytime date was. He’s like “mmmm showering…” and we’re all like yeah dude, we know. (Side note: I’d be a little peeved if that is what he said his favorite part of a date with me was, but like, I guess they didn’t talk at all?)

Emily: Also we know Colton’s #1 hobby is showering. That’s all he does ever, as far as we know.

Susan: I want to hear all the details of the story where her mom drove over her dad’s beloved lawn to come get her stuff from the G. family home. Anyway, Hannah G. gets the rose. 10 points.

Emily: Really? I didn’t care at all about her dad’s lawn. I have zero tolerance for fake sob stories at this point. Everyone’s parents are divorced. Grow up. Thank u, next. Etc. Hannah G. seems so boring and I cannot deal.

Susan: It felt like a housewife reality show move. I’d like video, plz.

Emily: Also of note on this date, Hannah G. drops the F-Bomb and says she’s “falling in love with Colton,” but because she doesn’t tell him directly, that’s got to be fewer points than what Hannah Beast got last week for telling him directly. Let’s say 5 points. BUT THEN. Colton tells the camera he’s falling in love with Hannah G.? WHAT? Why wasn’t more made of this? That has to be 10 points. If he had told her to her face, it would have been 20, I think? I didn’t realize we were going to have to think about this so early. Anyway, what’s happening back at the Bachelor holding cage?

Susan: Everybody who hasn’t had a one-on-one is low key melting down. When the group date card comes, we find out that Kirpa is getting the other one-on-one! 20 points to Kirpa! About time this chick started pulling her weight for Emily’s team. Demi AND Sydney cry. 2 points each.

Emily: I am SHOOK that Kirpa got this date. Did not see that coming. Might this be the MOST. DRAMATIC. TWIST. of the season? Possibly! Anyway, let’s get to this group date first, I guess.

Susan: Oh lort it’s another contest-y date. If there is one thing we longtime viewers know, it’s that something always goes wrong on the “fighting” date. On Kaitlyn’s season (shoutout to the Queen of Bachelorettes), Jared got hurt during the boxing date. Ames got a concussion on the Muay Thai date on Ashley H.’s season. Someone here is about to get punched in her damn face, y’all. And I bet Hannah Beast is gonna do the punchin’.

Emily: We’ve reached that point in the season where these girls have ZERO interest on going on a group date. And I’ve reached the point of the season where I’m realizing we’re probably not going to get a 2-on-1 because seriously every cocktail party turns into a 2-on-1. These bitches are constantly at each other’s throats. RIP, 2-on-1. We will miss you this season. Anyway, all of this is to say, no one wants to be on this date, and I didn’t want to watch it.

Susan: The girls learn some techniques of vovinam, a style of Vietnamese fighting. They’re gonna have to spar and I’m here. for. it. The host of Vietnam’s Bachelor show is here to help Chris Harrison judge, and Chris acts like they’ve met each other before.

Emily: They probably have Bachelor Hosting Conferences every year for all the hosts. They’re all BFFs.

Susan: But first, quick cut to a shot of two pigeons making out on a roof because why the fuck not.

Emily: The two pigeons making out symbolize… I got nothing. Anyway, the fighting starts and all of the vovinam lessons go straight out the window and they’re just fighting and squealing.

Susan: The fights are all lame. I thought Sydney the fitness instructor would murder Zero-Hand-Eye-Coordination Heather, but Heather just squeals wildly the whole time and Sydney looks confused. Still, I feel like Sydney wins if we have to pick a winner. 2 points.

Emily: How were winners chosen anyway? What was the goal here? I don’t feel like this went down the way producers were hoping it would.

Susan: Next it’s Hannah B(ama) versus Cassie. You KNOW Hannah really wants to murder a frontrunner. Emily, you can pick the winner since they both sucked and they’re both on your team. *shrug*

Emily: I’m giving it to Hannah B because she probably growled or something. 2 points.

Susan: Katie versus Demi. Katie is feisty af, and Demi is like, “Ouchie, my face!” I felt bad for Demi. This would not be my date either, girl. Katie gets 2 points for throwing some serious punches.

Emily: Aha! And yet, if you watch at the end of this portion of the date, Demi was holding a trophy. So somehow Demi won this whole thing even though she just whined a lot. Maybe the actual contest was based on who could complain the most. So 5 points to Demi for arbitrarily holding a trophy with no explanation.

Susan: Then Colton is like, “OK let’s leave because I don’t like to see weakness.”

Emily: Thank you, Colton.

Susan: Bitches be stressin’ at the group date cocktail party, and Demi is wearing all the body glitter her local Claire’s had in stock. Tayshia looks great in that green dress. She tells Colton she wants him to be “curious” about her. And he’s like, “I want to know about you” and proceeds to ask nothing about her. They make out for 2 points.

Emily: At this point, a lot of these girls are getting in their heads. Katie is freaking out. Sydney is freaking out. Everyone’s eyeing each other. Are any of these bitches here for the #RightReasons?

Susan: Katie is wearing a lovely dark blue, silky romper. Favorite outfit of this episode so far. She expresses worry that there is a disconnect. Translation: She’s noticed that 1) he’s really into blonde 23-year olds, and 2) she is neither of these things. She cries for 2 points, but they don’t kiss. Uh oh. We call this foreshadowing, my friends.

Emily: Yes, and honestly I’m so confused with this turn of events because the early editing, especially on night one, made me think Colton was really into Katie. I thought for sure she would be getting the 2nd one-on-one this week. But no, not blonde enough, I guess. At least Kirpa has blonde highlights.

Susan: Hannah Beast sits on his lap and laughs maniacally. They do some fake martial arts moves in the sand while Sydney and Tayshia roll their eyes about how “not seriously” some people are taking this. I suspect their real problem is they’ve realized they would actually be VERY bored with Colton if they had to date him.

Emily: I just don’t understand how having fun and being goofy means in any way you’re “not ready” or not taking this seriously. Also let’s be real. Colton is not ready to be engaged at the end of this. Who is he fooling?

Susan: Sydney takes action. She talks to him about not getting one-on-one time and asks if he can “get there” with her. He says he’ll try. This is not good, Syd.

Emily: Next, my girl Demi decides to call her mom who just got out of prison. Hot take: I think Demi is a genuinely sweet person. Most of the girls in the house seem to like her, and I don’t really see how she’s doing anything villainous or mean to the other girls in the house. All of the “villain” things she’s done have been edited that way. I think she’s a kooky girl who says edgy things, and the producers saw this an an opportunity to edit her a certain way.

MEANWHILE, I think we’re sleeping on the real villain of the house: Caelynn. Hear me out. Earlier in the episode, she was talking mad trash about Hannah G and how she’s been able to get by on just her looks. Caelynn the pageant girl is saying this. The pageant girl. Okay, just want to make sure we’re on the same page. I get the feeling Caelynn probably says a lot of mean things about a lot of the girls in the house, which would verify what Hannah B has been saying about her this whole time. But Colton likes her so we’re not going to get that edit.

So who takes the fall? Poor Demi. I like these moments where we see Demi connecting with her home life because I think this is where we the viewers get to see the Real Demi (™). I look forward to seeing her shine in Paradise this summer. And 5 points to her for basically forcing Colton to meet her mom weeks before hometowns.

Susan: Sydney, dissatisfied with Colton’s Bachelor-word-soup answer from before, goes back and is like, “Never mind. I need more. I’m gonna go now.” Good for you, girl. She also says he’s making some “easier choices” in who he’s pursuing.  5 points for self-elimination. I love when people break up with the lead.

On her way out, she tells him there are some great girls in the group and he needs to find them and not get distracted by “shiny things.” In case y’all can’t tell, that’s code for “the 23-year-old blondes.” She cries on exit, so 2 more points.

Emily: As mentioned earlier, Demi is wearing a lot of body glitter on this date, so this feels like a very directed attack. Bye, Sydney. You were boring.

Susan: My girl Tayshia gets the group date rose (10 points) because she “pushes” Colton every time they are together. #TayshiaforBachelorette.

Emily: Please give us Tayshia as Bachelorette.

Susan: Kirpa cries a little about Sydney’s exit. 2 points. I really want Kirpa to be the sleeper hit of the season à la Catherine Guidici from Sean’s season, but I don’t think that’s about to happen. She’s got a 50/50 shot at this rose today.

Emily: It’s official. I love Kirpa. She does a run and jump move, which is 5 points, right? Let’s say 5 points. She looks really hot this episode, btw. Anyway, they go on a boat and stab sea urchins in the ocean or something. They’re actually doing activities other than making out, which means Colton’s not into her.

Susan: Colton does not like sea urchin. Hannah B. would be so disappointed in his face.

Emily: I would not like sea urchin either.

Susan: I’m glad we actually hear them talk and don’t just watch Colton’s tongue move in and out of her mouth like the first one-on-one of the episode. Kirpa was engaged to someone she dated for eight years, and she says that one thing he had in common with Colton was that he was saving himself for marriage. Colton is like, “WHOA, HOLD UP. I’m not some weirdo. I am def down to do sex before marriage.” (Ahem, in the fantasy suites.) This episode put in a lot of work to convince us that Colton is a ~sexual being.~

They make out in the rain. 2 points.

Emily: After the 1-on-1, Demi decides she needs to talk to Colton about her feelings. Cue the really weird backlighting and walking in the rain that makes Demi look like she’s a scary dead girl in a horror movie. Anyway, Demi finds Colton and drops the F-Bomb. She’s falling in love with him (10 points). Demi tells him, “I just want time to be able to enjoy each other and let myself fall.”  

Colton says he appreciates it but doesn’t know if he can see himself with him at the end of this. He says, “I can’t put you through a rose ceremony after hearing that tonight.” Here comes the second warning about girls who are there for the #WrongReasons: “There’s certain girls here that might seem like the safe choice, but they’re not going to work out in the long run.”

Demi cries and packs up her stuff. Her legion of blonde BFFs hug her. Can’t tell if they’re crying too, so they don’t get points. But Demi gets 2 more parting points. As she leaves, she cries, “This is just the story of my life. No one has ever loved me back.” Aw, Demi. Your time will come. On Paradise.

Susan: Before the Cocktail Party That Never Was, all the girls are feeling the pressure to let Colton know they are capital-R Ready for this. (Not) Surprise! There is no cocktail party.

Emily: Thank goodness. Let’s get the show on the road. Since we’ve already lost FOUR PEOPLE this episode, Katie is the only one sent home. This is such BS. Katie is beautiful and amazing.

Susan: How on earth does Heather get a rose over Katie?! Heather literally has a claw clip just randomly thrown in her hair for her rose ceremony look.

Emily: Well… she’s blonde. That’s it. That’s all I can think of.

Susan: Katie cries on exit, so 2 points. Most notably, Katie becomes the third person to give Colton an eerie warning before leaving. She says, “You know who’s ready in there. And there are some that aren’t. Just be smart about those girls.” Bum Bum Bum

Emily: Wow, maybe he should actually, like, talk to some of these girls instead of making out with them.

Susan: Colton, realizing he might be a total dummy, is like, “Wait, I might be blinded by the fact that my eyes are always literally closed because I’ve only been making out with Cassie and Hannah G. and I have no idea what’s happening outside of their mouths.” Here’s where we see the part we’ve been getting in the promos: “Am I fucking missing something?”

Emily: He straight up says he thought the bad egg was Demi, so that’s why he sent Demi home. He was wrong. I told y’all Demi wasn’t a bad egg, but nobody listens to me on this show.

Susan: He tells the group he needs some answers next week then abruptly peaces out, leaving them to speculate. Tayshia says to Kirpa, “Let’s take this thing. Watch, it’s us two at the end.” No, it won’t be (but I would like that). But this shows it’s safe to assume whoever is “not ready” is one of the younger blondos because Tayshia seems to know who everyone has been talking about. My guess is it’s Cassie or Hannah G.

Emily: My money’s on Caelynn because I seriously think she’s a secret mean girl.

Susan: The next few weeks look REAL, y’all. Lots of crying and wandering around in parking lots and hotel hallways. We see the superhuman fence jump clip again. IS IT NEXT WEEK? SAY IT’S NEXT WEEK. Also, it looks like he definitely fucks someone in the fantasy suite and then immediately feels like he has to propose. That’s my prediction.

Emily: I’m so nervous for this fence jump because we’ve been building it up for so long and I need it to be as epic as the previews make it seem like it’s going to be. ABC, don’t disappoint me.

Superlatives

Worst Lewk: Heather’s claw clip rose ceremony hair

Best Recovery: Kirpa’s chin. All better. Nothing to see here.

Grossest Sex Comment: Colton saying he would “definitely eat that sushi roll” of Hannah G. Stahp.

Best Comeback: Chris Harrison. He literally wasn’t in last week’s episode at all.

Second Best Comeback (we have a tie): Susan! Welcome back Susan!

Most Secretest Bitch: Caelynn (this is Emily’s opinion)

Least Likely to Stick Around Til the End: Kirpa and Heather. Sorry, ladies. You’re not long for this world.

Here to Make Cocktails
Hannah G. - 47
Onyeka - 2
Tayshia - 12
Katie - 6
Sydney - 11
Total: 78
Previous Weeks’ Total: 240
Total Total: 318

Drowning in Bitches
Nicole - 2
Kirpa - 37
Demi - 24
Hannah B - 2
Total: 65
Previous Weeks’ Total: 269
Total Total: 334

See you next week! Hopefully for some fence jumping.