On this episode of The Bachelor, two boring white dudes sit down at a bar in Denver to swap meaningless platitudes about following their guts, their greatest fears, and of course, being on the show for the right reasons. It was quite a riveting two hours of television, and Susan and Emily are here to break it all down for you. Let’s begin!

Emily: It’s the best day of the week! Bachelor recap day! Welcome back everyone for another week of The Bachelor where I just sit here and hope that Tayshia will be the next Bachelorette. Miracles do happen. But first we have to get through this season...

Susan: Okay so I guess Colton Cam is just gonna be a thing now. He’s very confused, as usual, and reminds us of the Three Warnings he received last week from Sydney, Demi and Katie.

Emily: Colton says this is his greatest fear. Do NOT drink every time Colton says something is his greatest fear. Apparently this dude has a lot of Greatest Fears. One of them is that these women aren’t here for the #RightReasons. One of them is snakes. One of them is eating weird foods. One of them is Tia. The list goes on.

Susan: They’re in Denver this week, where Colton lives, and the girls have to pretend it’s as cool as the amazing romp through Asia they just wrapped. Colton and Ben Higgins sit down at a bar and drink water, which is the most Colton and Ben Higgins thing ever.

Emily: Okay, look, Denver is fabulous. I’m trying to move there one day. HELLO, hire me, someone.

Susan: Also, why is Ben Higgins giving anyone advice?

Emily: Look, again, look: Ben has a girlfriend now. It’s Instagram official. So clearly he’s legit.

Susan: Tayshia gets the first one-on-one (20 points) and Colton clearly chose her because he knew she’d tell him the gossip.

Emily: Colton is ALL ABOUT the hot gossip. And I feel like Tayshia is his BFF on the show, so he knows she’ll provide. They just give off fun friend vibes.

Susan: While killing time before the gossip, they run around with Sniper (worst name ever for a dog), eat oysters, taste wine, get ice cream and buy food to cook for dinner. Then they sit down at a loud marketplace for a serious conversation. She tells him Caelynn and Cassie aren’t ready to be engaged and that they talked about being the Bachelorette. I can’t tell if she actually heard them say this or someone else said that they said it, but either way, I want receipts. Where’s the footage, ABC?!

Emily: Okay, on the one hand, both of these women are probably secret bitches (ESPECIALLY Caelynn… #BelieveHannahB) but on the other hand, is it so crazy to not know if you’re ready to be engaged and/or want to be the Bachelorette? I feel like Tayshia’s probably thought about it, even if she’s smart enough not to chat about it in front of the other girls.

Susan: Colton immediately looks like he ate a bad oyster because we all know he’s picking Cassie.

Emily: For sure.

Susan: They cook dinner together, which is a date I’d actually like if I was on this show. I’d also accidentally get wayyy drunk while cooking with this boring dude.

Emily: Yes, would way prefer the cooking dinner together date over her previous bungee jump date. Give me dinner and Netflix please (no chill required).

Susan: They make out on the bed (2 points), and Tayshia gets the rose (10 points). He says (to camera) that he started falling in love with Tayshia, which is 10 more points, as we randomly established in a previous recap.

Emily: Past Bachelors have been make out against wall type dudes. Not Colton. Colton is a make out in bed type dude. That’s his move. Maybe making out against a wall is another one of his greatest fears.

Susan: Next, it’s time for Caelynn’s one-on-one (20 points). They go snowboarding, which she is bad at. I hate to admit how much I like her hat because I don’t really care for her as a person after this date. They spend like 45 seconds actually snowboarding before getting to what really matters: Colton’s Greatest Fears(™).  Colton (in Colton fashion) repeats every word he’s been told about Caelynn’s non-readiness for marriage and alleged Bachelorette chatter.

Emily: Another one of Colton’s Greatest Fears is keeping shit to himself. If he can’t immediately go repeat everything he heard to the girl the hot gossip is about, then he’ll probably spontaneously combust from the pressure of it.

Susan: Caelynn, of course, calls the rumors “completely fabricated,” which I doubt. I’m not saying she definitely said this stuff, but I feel like there’s gotta be some grain of truth to this whole thing.

Emily: I love how when Colton says that Tayshia told him Caelynn wants to be the Bachelorette, her response is, “Who me?” Yes bitch, you.

Susan: LOL. Yes, “Who, me?” is a classic. In her ITM she calls Tayshia a “stupid bitch,” and I’m now done with Caelynn. Bye, girl. Oh, and she says she’s not gonna have her “relationship” get ruined because there’s some “insecure 28-year-old running around the house.” GIRL GTFO WITH THIS.

Emily: Is 28 supposed to be old in this scenario? Girl please.

Susan: Caelynn cries at dinner (2 points), and Colton’s like, “Never mind, JK, you get a rose.” So that’s 10 more points, plus 2 for making out. Then this girl goes for MORE POINTS because they BOTH drop the F-Bomb and say they’re falling in love with each other. 10 for her saying it, 20 more for him saying it to her face.

Emily: Remember back in the days before Ben Higgins when Bachelor/ettes just did NOT tell their contestants that they were in love with them? Like, what happened to those days? Remember how shocking it was when Ben told JoJo AND Lauren B that he loved them? Now Colton’s just throwing it around willy nilly.

Susan: They do the whole private concert bit, which is only cool because it’s at Red Rocks. Otherwise, not cool.

Emily: Don’t we give points for contestants having to endure a private concert? Lemme check… Yes, it’s 5 points.

Susan: Back at base camp, Caelynn talks to Cassie about the drama with Tayshia. Cassie is like, “Wow, will my words be misconstrued too?” Which means this conversation about being the Bachelorette definitely happened, and now they’re trying to figure out how to lie their way out of it. I’ll say it again: Cassie is boring. She’s also whiny. And let’s squash the Bachelorette talk now because she would be a shitty one and we all know it.

Emily: I’ve said it already and I’ll say it again… TAYSHIA FOR BACHELORETTE. Come on, ABC.

Susan: The third one-on-one goes to Hannah B., who exclaims, “Thank the freaking lord!” while the other girls start weeping into their oversized sweater sleeves. 20 points.

Emily: These girls are really rocking the oversized sweaters and nerd glasses this season. I really wonder if they got some sort of kickback from Hot Librarians R Us? Please let us know if you know the answer, dear readership.

Susan: Hannah B. gets to meet his parents, which has gotta be like, 8 points. (But it’s also maybe the kiss of death like it was for Twin Emily on Ben’s season.) She seems the most relaxed she’s been so far. Y’all, Hannah Beast has really grown on me. She’s kooky and I like it.

Emily: I also really like Hannah B. and I’ve been thinking about how cool it’s going to be to see her on Paradise, which I think is really going to be more her element. As someone who suffers from anxiety, I GET her anxiety here in this setting, and I get why she would be more comfortable at this point, getting second date, having that affirmation from Colton by getting the rose after she confessed her feelings for him. She hasn’t eaten anything weird in a few episodes either. Relaxed Hannnah B. is fun Hannah B. Too bad it’s all about to come crashing down.

Susan: On the car ride, Colton is super preoccupied, and Hannah obviously notices because she’s not stupid. She asks if he is okay, and he’s like, “Who? Me? Yeah! Totally fine” while his eyes fill with tears.

Emily: Again, when someone says, “Who me?” Then yes, it’s definitely them.

Susan: At dinner, Hannah is wearing a pink gown that I think she is rocking. I don’t think everyone could pull off this look, but she does. Emily, did you like it?

Emily: Totally love it. I feel like this was Hannah’s power dress because she was seriously killing it on the evening portion of this date.

Susan: Colton asks Hannah why she’s ready to get engaged but then immediately responds to her by telling her he isn’t in the same place she is. She’s like, “Well, I’m confused about what you want, but okay.” WE ARE TOO, HANNAH B. He says, “You’ll make somebody really happy one day,” and she says, “I know.” So she gets 5 points for that badass move.

Emily: Yes, queen! I loved pissed off Hannah here. She really ended on a strong note, hitting that balance between upset and not that fucking bothered.  

Susan: In the limo, she cries (2 points), but makes a pretty graceful exit, stating that she won’t allow herself to feel like she isn’t being chosen every single day, so she’ll just wait until whenever that happens. Not a bad rule of thumb, honestly. I like that she doesn’t crumble into the “What’s wrong with me?!” territory that eliminated contestants often do, and she makes this about what she wants. Keep on beasting, Hannah. We will miss you.

Emily: THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE.

Susan: Time for the world’s least suspenseful group date. Four women. Two frontrunners. Two roses. I wonder what will happen.

Emily: Uh, Susan. Obviously Kirpa and Heather (I couldn’t remember her name for a second there) are going to make it all the way to the end. Because The Bachelor likes to plot twist us. Just kidding. That never happens. It always goes the way you think it will. There’s comfort in predictability, and at this point in the episode most Bachelor viewers are several glasses of rosé deep so it’s best not to confuse them.

Susan: The girls ride a train to some more remote location. Heather immediately eliminates herself, which we have established is 5 points. She said she wasn’t ready for Colton to meet her family. Yeah, okay, as if he was going to. This was strategic as hell because it was clearly a dump-him-before-he-dumps-you move. Respeck.

Emily: Get it, Heather. Get kissed and then GTFO.

Susan: Can we talk about how BOMB AF Hannah G.’s hair looks today? Damn, girl. Get it.

Emily: I… don’t remember what her hair looked like. I’m going to be honest. I found this part of the episode very boring so I might have fallen asleep. I am an A+ recapper, but I’m also a habitual fall-asleep-while-watching-somethinger. It’s a gift.

Susan: Cassie goes to talk to Colton about -- guess what -- the rumored conversations. I’m tired of this. I don’t even care what they said anymore. I’m more concerned about how boring she and Colton are together.

Emily: I think at this point Kirpa is reading the room. She sees that Hannah G and Cassie are left, and she knows her time is up. After all, she’s never made out on a bed with Colton.

Susan: Kirpa spends her one-on-one time with Colton addressing her concerns about both Cassie and Caelynn. While Kirpa and Cassie are sitting together, Kirpa tells Cassie that she told him her opinion on the situation, and Cassie is obviously pissed.

Emily: This was smart of Kirpa, because she knows that if she doesn’t tell Cassie what she said, Colton 100% will in one minute. Best to beat him to the chase. Nice move.

Susan: They talk over one another about who is lying, and Cassie calls Kirpa an “idiot” in her ITM.

Emily: So Caelynn and Cassie have both called other girls names in their ITMs on this episode. It’s not a great look.

Susan: Colton says he doesn’t know what he wants to do yet, so all three women will join him in the evening. But as soon as he arrives at this 3-on-1 dinner, he says he randomly got some clarity while they were apart (aka, the producers wanted this to be a 2-on-1 dinner), and he pulls Hannah G. aside and gives her a rose. And we DON’T EVEN SEE the footage. We just watch Kirpa and Cassie not talk to each other for a little bit. Eye roll. Hannah G. got a raw deal in this episode. Anyway, 10 points for Hannah G.

Emily: The fact that we don’t see any private time between Colton and Hannah G. this episode makes it clear to me that she is definitely not winning. If she were, the editors would have wanted to play up their romance in the midst of this drama. But now, it’s all about Cassie here, and Colton following his gut just like the sage Ben Higgins told him to do.

Susan: Producers tried to make this the 2-on-1 that they robbed us of this season. It just isn’t. Give me Corinne and Taylor. Give me the Chad Bear and Alex. While Cassie and Kirpa are sitting there alone, Caelynn marches in and she is clearly on a mission because she doesn’t even acknowledge either of them. She pretends to be a hero by telling Colton all these rumors are bullshit and not to dump someone he has a connection with because of it. Okay, Caelynn, you’ve had enough screen time for the day. Exit, please.

Emily: In this moment, I wish Colton would have said, “You’re right,” and dumped Caelynn, but no, that isn’t what happens.

Susan: Colton comes back and shocks absolutely no one on planet Earth when he gives Cassie the rose. 10 points to Cassie. Colton also says he’s falling in love with her in an ITM, so 10 more points to her.

Emily: Ugh. I’m glad I fell asleep for that part.

Susan: See you next week, where we will watch Colton squirm as he tries not to tell these women’s dads how much he likes dry humping their daughters’ thighs.

Emily: By the way, not a single fence has been jumped yet. WTF indeed.

Superlatives:

Most Predictable Episode: Uh, this one. It was this one.

Most Bossest Exit: Hannah Beast

Worst Liar: “Who Me?” Caelynn

Here to Make Cocktails
Hannah G. - 10
Tayshia - 42
Caelynn - 59
Heather - 5
Total: 116
Previous Weeks’ Total: 318
Total Total: 434

Drowning in Bitches
Cassie - 20
Hannah B - 38
Total:
Previous Weeks’ Total: 334
Total Total: 392

Yikes… Susan is coming in to take the lead! What will happen next week? Watch and find out!