Episode 2 of The Bachelor has arrived! Champagne bottles were popped. Accusations were thrown. Whose team came out on top? Read on to find out!

Emily: We enter this episode where we left off last week, and much like a champagne bottle that’s been left open for an entire week, this drama fizzled out. Hannah B. is still on the couch with Peter, but nothing really comes of it. In fact, after it was all over, I had to turn to Ben and ask if Hannah ever actually said whether she would or wouldn’t come back on the show. Of course, we all knew she would have to say no because (if for no other reason) she is under contract with Dancing with the Stars, and we know she goes on to win the season. But no dramatic declarations? Nothing? I was a little surprised.

Susan: Meanwhile all of Peter’s contestants are hanging out in an empty auditorium writing awkward sex stories. The start of every good date. Hannah is being wishy-washy AF, and Peter brings up a good point: “You were the one that said no to me. I never said no to you.” But then they proceed to perform the definition of “canoodling,” nuzzling one another while Hannah basically sits on him.

Whichever producer/stylist put Hannah in a glittery dress is a GENIUS. Give them an Emmy because when Peter goes to talk to the women, he has glitter all up in his beard and all over his suit. It’s brilliant.

Emily: Between the glitter dress and the mascara, truly the goal seemed to be to get Hannah as messy as possible. Nice work, everyone. Raises all around.

Susan: Glitterbeard is no longer “in the right headspace” to enjoy listening to the sex stories the women have prepared, so he cancels the rest of the day and says they’ll meet up at night. Enter our resident Lady in Her Thirties (yas!) Natasha to be like, “Nah, this is bullshit.” I see you, girl. Represent us.

Emily: Because we make our own rules and Natasha isn’t even on my team, I say let’s give Natasha 2 points for not putting up with this bullshit. She tells Peter it’s BS that both times she’s seen him, Hannah was there. She’s not wrong. Also, she probably worked really hard on that sex story. TBH, I’m a little sad we missed out on these. Everyone seems very unsure that Peter is even ready to be here, seeing as he was just low key almost making out with his ex. Sydney says, “I’m so ready, but is Peter ready?” Fair.

Susan: At night, Peter gives the first of several toasts this episode about looking forward, moving on, putting things in the past, etc. Cheers, I guess?

Emily: This is the portion of the night where Peter takes these girls aside one by one and apologizes for wasting their time. Alexa is first. I really love Alexa, but I see no chemistry here, and I fear she is not long for this Bachelor world.

Susan: Next up is Natasha. Peter seems afraid of Natasha. She tells him that if he has feelings he should figure them out, but not at the expense of her and the other contestants. We stan a lady who knows her time is valuable.

Emily: Absolutely we do. Natasha tells Peter, “We’re here for you. We want to have a deeper connection with you, and that happened and I was like no.” After Natasha comes Sydney.

Susan: Alabama native Sydney tells Peter she’s not a typical southern girl. Growing up mixed race in the South, she dealt with racism and felt she had to grow up quickly. They make out for 2 points.

Emily: Sydney tells Peter, “I’m a really strong person and sometimes that hinders me from being vulnerable.” This seems like such a canned line for opening up to someone on this show. I had to roll my eyes a bit. And I know Sydney is on my team and all, but I’m just sussing out the chemistry now that we’re getting a lot more one-on-one time, and I’m just not seeing a spark here. But I am super thankful for my 2 points and I will take them, thank you very much.

Susan: During their one-on-one time, Peter shows Mykenna some very white boy dance moves and they also kiss. 2 points for the kiss, and 1 more point because Pete pulls his signature move of sitting a girl on a table. 

Emily: See, this is how I know Peter is way more into Mykenna than he is into Sydney. He does the sitting on the table move. This makeout sesh was much hotter. Nevertheless, rules are rules, and because Sydney opened up about her past trauma, she gets the group date rose. That’s just how this show works 98% of the time. Thank you, I will take those 5 points. Way to put work in for the Book Club, Sydney.

Susan: Now it’s time for the cocktail party because we’re about to have a rose ceremony in the middle of an episode. What chaos. Lexi gets some alone time with Peter and he gives her a Hot Wheels car because she drove a car in on the first night. This is...a lame gift?

Emily: I love how Peter isn’t afraid of being like, “Now how do I know you?” Because it definitely seemed like he didn’t remember Lexi at all. This makes his gift even less cool because clearly it’s something a producer slipped to him to give to her, and he might’ve not even understood why. But for real, I like how genuine Peter seems to be with these girls, even when it makes him look less polished. He’s no Mike, but he’s doing a fine job thus far.

Anyway, Lexi is really pretty and she has gorgeous red hair. Peter tries to be a cool member of the redhead club by lifting up his chin so that Lexi can see his red beard hairs. Lexi uses this opportunity to kiss him on the chin, which I thought was a really cute move. Peter turns it into a makeout sesh, like he does, which gives my girl 2 points. Yes!

Susan: Now it’s time to get into the real meat of the episode. And by “meat,” I mean alcohol.  Kelsey, who has definitely already had some champagne today, tells us her grand plan for time with Peter: She’s been saving a bottle of champagne she got for her last birthday, waiting to open it on a really special occasion. And somehow she decided Peter is the special occasion. 

Emily: So Kelsey gets the producers to set up a little champagne picnic thing by the outside fireplace. It’s all very romantic. Kelsey says, “The bottle shows my heart and what I want.” Okay.

Susan: Kelsey’s first issue is with Mykenna, who “steals” Peter before Kelsey has a chance. Mykenna is pretty chill about it when confronted, but Kelsey isn’t having it. I’m honestly pretty confused because it seems like nothing really happened here? Anyway, Kelsey says the first of her super quotable lines this episode: “I don’t tolerate snakes. They’re my least favorite animal.”

Emily: Some other quotable quotes from this moment in the episode (both from Kelsey): “I feel like there’s a disrespect and you disrespected me.” Also: “Do I think she’s a snake… and snakey? Yeah.” Yeah, I’m not sure Kelsey needs any more champagne at this point in the night.

Emily: Anyway, this is Kelsey’s first beef of the night, so congrats, girl, here’s your 2 points.

Susan: As an intermission to all the drama, Peter and Madison laugh into each other’s mouths for a while, and then he gives her a framed photo of them with his family at the vow renewal, which is worth an extra 1 point because it’s very girlfriendy. Add 2 points for kissing.

Next, Hannah Ann and Peter totally-by-chance-and-not-because-a-producer-made-them happen upon Kelsey’s champagne bottle chilling in an ice bucket and naturally assume it is theirs to open.

Emily: Kelsey also just HAPPENS to be sitting with her buddies explaining her plans to pop champagne with Peter when in the distance we hear a very loud champagne bottle pop and Peter go “WOOO!” Kelsey immediately begins crying because she knows what happened. The champagne bottle she brought with her ALL THE WAY FROM DES MOINES has been sullied. She doesn’t know who did it, but her life is now ruined. The tears are flowing and they’re worth 2 points.

Susan: Kelsey marches over to Peter and Hannah Ann and her fears are confirmed: her bottle has been popped. Then she just starts crying again and runs to the bathroom. Peter, who has to be SO CONFUSED, tries to check on her, but she’s like, “Nah, bro.”

Emily: I know Alayah hasn’t done much for me so far this season, but I really loved how she went after Kelsey and helped her fix her makeup. I love the small moments we get to see of women supporting women, okay? Not only am I giving Alayah 2 points for this, but I also think we should look out for more of these types of moments and reward them in the future.

Susan: Meanwhile, Tammy tells Hannah Ann that she opened Kelsey’s special bottle, and Hannah Ann makes a “whoopsie!” face (see above gif) but clearly doesn’t really care about all this. 

Emily: Right when Peter tries to sit down with Hannah Ann again, Kelsey walks up to them in a rage. She says, “You know what? I have to say something. It’s not okay what you did. I brought this bottle from Des Moines. Don’t try to play dumb.” She storms off, and Peter and Kelsey LITERALLY run into another bottle of champagne that production had set up for Hannah Ann. A+ job setting up this drama, producers. You’re doing great tonight.

Susan:  It’s important to know that this champagne bottle gets knocked over before Kelsey and Peter open it, because this simple action is why we now have the best gif of the last five years. In next quotable line of the night, Kelsey holds the bottle and proclaims, “I’m not a classy bitch all the time” (same, girl) and proceeds to drink the champagne. And then it explodes. all over. her damn face. Behold:

Emily: For real, I think Kelsey deserves 5 points for giving us what will go down as the most iconic moment of 2020. We can go ahead and end the year right now. We’ve already found the most iconic moment of 2020. Everyone go home.

Susan: Unfortunately the fight isn’t over, and Kelsey does the exact wrong thing by calling Hannah Ann a “fake bitch,” among other things. Hannah Ann is saying things like “I acknowledge your feelings” and I’m not sure if she knows what that means. Is it just me or is she kind of...robotic?

Emily: I don’t know, but because Hannah Ann becomes fully engrossed in this drama that will continue for the rest of the episode, she does get 2 points here.

Susan: Tammy, who is clearly going to be the narrator this season, says that Kelsey is emotionally unstable and “a hot mess.” She claims she doesn’t want to be involved in this André scandal any longer, but she clearly does. 

Emily: I’m going to be real. I’m loving Tammy. Anyway, at this point Chris Harrison sadly breaks up the drama with his knife and his champagne flute. It’s time to eliminate some ladies.

Susan: At the rose ceremony, roses go to: Mykenna, Victoria P., Natasha, Jasmine, Sarah (what a cutie), Lexi, Hanna Ann, Alexa, Tammy, Alayah, Deandra, Victoria F., Shiann, Kiarra, Savannah, and Kelsey. Madison, Kelley and Sydney already had roses from dates.

Team Risk It for the Biscuit takes a major hit and loses three players: Lauren, Courtney and Payton. I’d say “see you in Paradise,” but honestly, these women got zero screen time so probably not.

Emily: Truly, Kelsey ended up being the best last pick in the draft that I could have hoped for. Thank you for your service, Kelsey. Can’t wait to see more of these types of shenanigans from you. Let’s move on to the next day, because the rose ceremony is not at the end of the episode and the world is falling apart.

Susan: A group date card reading “Time to let your personality shine” includes: Alexa, Mykenna, Natasha, Deandra, Lexi, Victoria F., Kelsey, and Hannah Ann. Someone asks Kelsey if she’s okay. Really? 

Emily: Remember when we posited that Revolve Clothing might have sponsored this season since the company factored so heavily in one of the contestants bios? Well, we were totally right. This group date is brought to you by Revolve Clothing. The ladies get to the big Revolve storefront, and waiting for them are two reality stars from the early 2000’s (Susan and my reality tv hey day, in other words): Queer Eye star Carson Kressley and America’s Next Top Model judge Janice Dickinson. The girls are going to put on a fashion show and these people (plus some lady from Revolve Clothing) are going to judge them. The winner gets something way more valuable than extra time with Peter: TONS OF FREE CLOTHES.

Susan: I don’t want to body shame, but I do want to shame Janice Dickinson’s plastic surgeon juuuuust a little bit. Something isn’t working there. That said, this date is Bachelor meets ANTM and I am so here for it. 

Emily: Same. This part of the episode felt like an old episode on ANTM. Gimme it.

Susan: For the next 15 minutes, we get to watch Victoria F., who is a model, pretend she’s terrified of modeling. I’m not buying it because 1) She was comfortable enough to model some super racist clothing in the public sphere, and 2) Her “evening” outfit in this show is lingerie under a trench coat. 

Emily: For sure. Victoria F.’s shy girl act seems VERY calculated. We see you, girl. Scared little Victoria F. also stops to make out with Peter WHILE wearing said lingerie on the runway. 3 points for this power move.

Susan: Another notable (and very Hannah Ann) move: Hannah Ann comes out in a long white dress and veil for her daytime look. 

Emily: My favorite was Kelsey’s night time look, which was literally just pajamas. Some girls were rocking sparkly clubbing outfits, but pajamas are my kind of evening wear as well.

Susan: Am I the only one who felt old as hell seeing the outfits they picked out? Am I supposed to be wearing bras on the outside during the day? What is Hannah Ann’s hat? 

Emily: We are old. I guess this is what the kids are wearing.

Susan: The judges’ two favorites, Hannah Ann and Victoria F., have to compete head-to-head, which means wear the same dress and walk the runway at the same time. 

Emily: Hannah Ann wins the walk off by smacking Victoria F. with her dress and taking a few extra moments to show off at the end of the runway. All’s fair in love and runways. Hannah Ann gets 5 points for winning the runway challenge and all those clothes. VIctoria F. gets 2 points for crying about how shy she is and how she’s not cut out for this competition. Poor baby.

Susan: During the evening portion of the date, Victoria F. continues her song and dance of being super insecure and shy. Peter says, “It is endearing to me that it is not easy for you.” LOL, YOUR PAIN IS CUTE TO ME. Ok, thanks Pete.

Emily: Victoria F. says, “I don’t know if I’m made out for this. I like you, but I don’t know if it’s worth my mental health.” In response, Peter takes her off somewhere “private” where we can still see and hear everything they’re doing. They make out for 2 points.

Susan: But wait… Just when we thought #ChampagneGate was over, Peter brings Kelsey a bottle of champagne, and unfortunately, it doesn’t explode in anyone’s face. That’s where the bar is from here on out. If it’s not exploding in your face and shooting up your nose, I don’t care to watch you sip it

Emily: This is very hard for Hannah Ann to watch, because champagne is very triggering for her now.

Susan: So now that Kelsey is feeling confident, Hannah Ann decides that she needs to tell Peter she’s been bullied. *gasp*

Emily: I think we should start giving out points to people who throw around the “B” word. 1 point to Hannah Ann for accusing Kelsey of being a bully. 2 points to Kelsey for being a “bully.” Guys, can’t we all just get along? BE BEST.

Susan: Hannah Ann tells Peter she’s been up crying ALL NIGHT because of Kelsey. Girl, get your shit together. You’re in the damn lead. You just got $20,000 worth of Revolve clothing to model on Instagram later. Peter is obsessed with your doll face. Just be cool with that and don’t pretend someone calling you a princess one time is bullying you. 

Emily: Clearly, Peter is very upset that someone is “bullying” his favorite. He makes out with her (2 points) and then goes to find Kelsey to get to the bottom of this.

Susan: Peter had 100% decided Hannah Ann was in the right before he asked Kelsey. And to be clear, I’m not excusing Kelsey’s behavior. She was definitely mean to Hannah Ann, but Hannah Ann did not need to pull this bratty move. Kelsey got champagned in the face. Isn’t that enough? 

Emily: Kelsey will forever be a gif now because of you, Hannah Ann. Leave her alone.

Susan: Peter returns to the group and inexplicably gives the date rose to Victoria F. She gets 5 points and whispers “thank you” into the evening breeze. 

Emily: Back to the champagne though.

Susan: Kelsey manages to not play it cool yet again, sitting down with the group and talking about what Hannah Ann said but not to Hannah Ann. Someone is like “Why don’t you guys talk it out?” and that person has clearly never watched this show.

Emily: Hannah Ann protests, “I’m not a champagne stealer. He knows that. Everyone knows that.” Clearly, being a “champagne stealer” is the worst possible thing someone can be, which is why this drama is taking up so much of our screen times and ending us on this stupid cliffhanger that doesn’t matter because Peter isn’t going to be sending either of these women home.

TOTALS

TEAM THE BOOK CLUB (Emily)
Hannah Ann - 10
Alayah - 2
Victoria F. - 12
Tammy
Alexa
Deandra
Sydney - 7
Shiann
Lexi - 2
Kiarra
Kelsey - 11

Week 1 Total: 6
Week 2 Total: 44
SEASON TOTAL: 50

TEAM RISK IT FOR THE BISCUIT (Susan)
Victoria P.
Madison - 3
Kelley
Mykenna - 3
Savannah
Sarah
Lauren - ELIMINATED
Payton - ELIMINATED
Jasmine
Natasha - 2
Courtney - ELIMINATED

Week 1 Total: 41
Week 2 Total: 8
SEASON TOTAL: 49

There is ONLY A POINT separating The Book Club and Team Risk It for the Biscuit. It’s still anyone’s game, Bachelor Nation. Tune in next week!