It’s time for more drama! More gossip! More lies! And, yes, more pilot puns. Your Bachelor recap starts in 3…2…1…

Emily: We awake at the Bachelor mansion and it’s a new day, and we’re all ready to put the drama behind us. Deandra continues to be the most beautiful girl in the house. Yes, I said what I said. Don’t @ me. Anyway, she’s over the drama, and she’s ready to get to know Peter. Clearly Peter has terrible taste in women because he’s been ignoring all the cool (hot) girls.

Kelli: I agree about Deandra. I only wish I knew literally one single thing about her, but unfortunately Peter would rather focus on women who are either deeply boring (Madison) or deeply annoying and terrible (see: the rest of this episode). 

Emily: Chris Harrison shows up and tells everyone they’re making biscuits, and I completely blacked out for what he said next once everyone was inside because all I know is I saw no biscuits. I wasn’t even there and I’m pissed at the false biscuit promise. Kelli, you’ll have to tell us what he was talking about.

Kelli: Yeah, I’m really confused about the biscuits. Was that supposed to be a euphemism? And if so, for what?

Kelli: Chris dramatically tells the women that Peter has LEFT… for their first destination on a journey that will take them all over the world! Everyone gets really excited about traveling, and Chris promptly bursts the bubble by announcing their first stop: Cleveland. It takes the women ten full seconds to gather the energy to pretend to be excited about this. Same. I mean, no shade to Cleveland, but like… it’s Ohio. 

Once they get to Cleveland, we get the standard montage of them running around in cute outfits having fun in what I’m certain is frigid weather. ‘I can’t believe how beautiful and amazing Cleveland is,’ multiple women say in their ITMs, likely because Cleveland has paid for it. Natasha notes that people in the midwest are nice, which definitely sounds like something a New Yorker would say about the midwest.

Emily: The first date card arrives, and it’s for my problematic girl Victoria F (yaaaas 20 points to The Book Club). Victoria is having a panic attack already because her date card says something about their love “soaring to new heights,” and she’s so afraid it’s going to be a skydiving date. Ok. Well. Two things about this: 1) Did you know Peter was a pilot? Pretty sure you’re going to have to deal with these bad pilot puns the whole time you’re on this show. This is what you should truly be afraid of. 2) Girl. There is PHOTO EVIDENCE of you skydiving. Get outta here.

Kelli: We get another ITM with Mykenna, which seems to be standard practice following any date card announcement. She’s freaking out because Peter hasn’t gotten to know her heart (more buzzwords). I understand that it’s frustrating that Peter hasn’t been able to focus on a lot of the girls because of all the drama, but I always get annoyed when the women freak out about this, because it’s like… there are a lot of you, and at least 10 of the others feel the exact same way, so maybe commiserate with them instead of weeping about how unfair it is for you specifically? Anyway, I guess she gets 2 points for crying… again.

Emily: Right, and also? If Peter wanted to get to know you, he would. So maybe just deal with it and enjoy the free trips. Anyway, back to this one-on-one date. Guess what? Victoria F is so upset that she might be skydiving that she is convulsing.

Surprise, it’s not skydiving, y’all. It’s a plane. Again. Peter is just going to take everyone on a plane. Flying someone around in your tiny ass plane is the new playing someone your dumb song on your guitar. 

Kelli: They land, and it turns out Peter has flown Victoria F to Cedar Point, an amusement park in Sandusky, Ohio that I have actually been to! As someone who grew up in Orlando, FL, I am pretty experienced when it comes to theme parks, and I will say that Cedar Point boasts some of the most terrifying roller coasters I’ve ever seen, several of which I couldn’t even bring myself to ride.

Victoria F once again pretends to be terrified, but we have seen real fear on this show, and this is not it. Too much giggling. Nice try though, V.

Emily: At one point during the amusement park date, Peter says that his relationship with Victoria F is kind of like a rollercoaster. But the comparison is kind of weak. You can tell his heart’s not in it. Peter, you gotta commit. Isn’t Cedar Point the perfect place to fall in love? 

Kelli: It sure is! Unless you’re the girl I saw when I was there, who stepped off one of the coasters and immediately threw up in a trash can.

Emily: Post-rollercoaster, they share drinks and talk about their plans to have lots of babies. Peter says their date is great “forshadering” their future together. Which is having 2-4 kids so they don’t have to ride alone on a rollercoaster. 

Kelli: It’s at this point that Victoria F makes what is potentially the most psychotic toast in this show’s history: “Cheers to our sons having hot moms and successful dads.” I had to actually rewind this to make sure I heard it correctly. Aside from the patriarchy of it all, I think the strangest thing about it is the implication that their sons (no daughters allowed) will have multiple moms AND multiple dads. Also, I’d like to point out that Peter specifically says they need four kids so that no one will have to sit alone on a roller coaster. How about two, Peter? Two is plenty.

Emily: But wait… there’s more. After Victoria F signs a binding contract with ABC to have four of Peter’s rollercoaster-riding kids and to remain hot forever, Peter has a surprise for her. A private concert (5 points). I feel like they’re really stretching the term “private concert” these days because there is a full out crowd here. Either way, they are forced to stand on a pedestal so that everyone can watch them awkwardly dancing to this really bad (guys… it’s really bad) country music. But wait… there’s more.

Kelli: Even before they got to the crowd, they could hear the music from far away, and Victoria F keeps saying, “Who is it?” It is obvious to us, the viewers, that she knows exactly who it is, and it is in this moment that I’m certain all of Victoria F’s previous “fear” was fake, because now we see true, primal fear, the kind of fear that only comes with knowing you’re about to run into an ex when you’re with your new mans. That’s right: in the most heavy-handed production move since Cassie’s dad got flown to Portugal, it turns out that Victoria F’s “ex”, Chase Rice, is the one serenading them. So… I propose 5 points to Victoria for being so thoroughly manipulated by the producers. 

Kelli: I don’t know about you, Emily, but I think once I realized my ex was on stage, I probably would have said something about it, because it’s such an obvious move from production that I would be more pissed than anything else. Victoria F seems to think it’s some huge coincidence, though, and in an attempt to be the fun chill cool girl Peter thinks he’s on a date with, she gets up on the platform and dances with him, singing along and pretending that this is fine, everything’s fine, like a tiny dog wearing a tiny hat drinking coffee in hell.  

Emily: After the concert, Victoria sees Peter and Chase chatting and exchanging Insta handles or whatever and she starts freaking the fuck out because that’s her brand. 2 points for the tears, thank you. Victoria knows she’s going to have to tell Peter about Chase, and Chase tells Victoria to just “be herself” and be honest with Peter. I don’t know if any of these women know how to do that, TBH. More on that later.

Kelli: They meet up for dinner later that evening, and Victoria F knows she’s going to have to tell Peter THE TRUTH. But my question is: what is the truth? Because according to Chase Rice, he and Victoria F only hung out one time. If that’s how we’re going to define exes, I guess I have a lot of them.

Emily: But like also… Victoria F said Chase told her NOT to come on the show (no links because she said this on the actual episode). I need to know what happened. They also seemed very comfy chatting with each other after the concert so… I propose we get Chase on The Women Tell All to speak his truth.

Kelli: What happened was she LIED, if you want my two cents. Which apparently you do, because you’re still reading this. So, we’re just continuing the trend of women on this season lying about stupid things for no reason. (Also, for the record, I would normally believe a woman over a man, but Victoria F already lied about skydiving AND she’s a racist, so... )

Anyway, after a lot of hemming and hawing, Victoria finally spits out that she and Chase used to date each other. Peter stares at her for a while. “What?” he asks, no less than three times. He doesn’t seem to believe that this is physically possible. 

Emily: You can see the exact moment when it hits Peter that this is producer influenced drama. His expression is speaking volumes, and it’s saying, “Wow, these producers are assholes.” It’s really strange, because you’d think as a former contestant he’d know the name of the game by now. But I guess as the lead, you are given a false sense of being in charge. LOL no, Peter. 

Kelli: It takes him a long time to figure it out, too. His reaction is not to immediately comfort and reassure Victoria, probably because he’s still kind of confused, so Victoria F starts crying and freaking out and excuses herself from the table.

Emily: But also crying and freaking out is Victoria’s brand, so she probably would have done that regardless of how Peter reacted, realistically. Anywho. Back in their luxury hotel suite, the girls get the next group date card and it’s a huge date with all of the girls except… Kelsey. Which means Kelsey will be getting the next one-on-one (20 points). I’m pretty sure at this point Mykenna starts crying again because she’s so sad Peter is missing out on what a beautiful heart she has. Or something.

Kelli: Now that we’ve had several minutes away from Victoria F and Peter, we return to see Peter getting his shit together and following her “off camera,” AKA still in full view of camera. She’s crying and apologizing because she “knew he would react like this,” which like… what’s the problem with his reaction? He very clearly does not blame her for this, but he has to make it even clearer by thanking her for having the guts to tell him about it. He obviously gives her the rose for 10 points and then they make out for 2 points. 

Emily: Victoria’s like, “I’m so glad Peter can take me at my worst.” And I’m like, girl, I’ve seen you in a White Lives Matter shirt. This? This is not your worst.

Kelli: LOL.

Emily: It’s the next day and Peter is trying to seem really excited about Cleveland. He takes his massive group of girls to the Cleveland Browns stadium and tells them he’s a really big fan of “football.” But note he never says anything about liking the Browns. Just saying he is likely not a fan of the Browns. I don’t know who either of these people are who are helping coach the girls for the football game, and I don’t think Peter knows either. Meanwhile, Tammy is PUMPED because they’re about to play a contact sport and she’s ready to get disqualified again. I love her.

Kelli: I, too, love Tammy, but I do not love football, so as soon as they showed up at the stadium, I was pretty much out. I will say that this was the first time this season that I’ve actually related to Mykenna. We watch her try and fail to catch the football, and in an ITM she says she’s the least athletic girl there, and that she hopes Peter sees that she’s making an effort even though she basically sucks at this. 2 points for relatability, and for trying anyway.

Speaking of not trying: we get a brief shot of Victoria P telling Peter that her back still hurts and she’s not going to play football because she doesn’t want to mess it up. What do you mean, still hurts? When did it start hurting? I’m confused, because if there was some kind of injury that was going to affect this date, you would think the producers would bother to explain it to us a little more — maybe get Victoria P in an ITM saying “I threw my back out making out with Peter in a tiny plane,” etc. I’m not going to immediately assume that Victoria P is faking, because we did see her go all out during her last group date when she ended up puking from motion sickness, but I know you feel different about this, so go off Emily.

Emily: Kelli and I have very different opinions about this part of the episode. First of all, this is where I wrote “I don’t like Victoria anymore” in my notes, because this was complete BS. This was the kind of random excuse that girls use in PE class all the time to get out of playing team sports, and I’m not buying it. I’m also not buying it because Victoria likes to play the victim to gain Peter’s trust and attention. It’s worked thus far, so why wouldn’t she do it again here? Do. Not. Trust. Her.

Second: I know this football was boring Kelli to tears, but for me it was the most exciting part. I loved that they showed so much of the game, and some of these girls were actually good. I think we need to give my girl Shiann 5 points for being a star running back. They’re all working really hard because the team that loses doesn’t get to go to the after party. One of the coaches feels the need to explain to Deandra that the way they win is by not letting the other team score. Thanks for that. In the end, however, they tie, and for some reason they don’t go into OT. Because Deandra is the one who ties up the game, to celebrate, she runs and jumps into Peter’s arms, which is a signature Bachelor move for 2 points. 

Kelli: In the locker room, a lot of the girls are pissed off because of the tie. This means that the evening portion is going to be 13 girls all fighting for Peter’s attention, which feels like a setback for a lot of the women who haven’t had the extra time with Peter because of the ongoing drama. Things get even worse at the start of the night when Victoria P is the first person to pull Peter aside to talk. They do some kissing for 2 points. 

The rest of the girls sit around looking pissed and talking shit about how she didn’t participate in the game. Shiann in particular is upset, and she goes to talk to peter next, communicating to him that she felt really pushed aside after trying so hard during the game. She cries for 2 points. Peter does his best to reassure her, but I really don’t see any chemistry happening between these two. Again: when someone isn’t making time for you, it’s probably because He’s Just Not That Into You. I don’t think Shiann’s obvious insecurity throughout this entire process is doing her any favors. 

Emily: Next up to steal Shiann’s time (drumroll please): Alayah. Because this show can’t help but spoil EVERYTHING, this wasn’t a surprise at all. But it was a surprise to EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS DATE. When Alayah walks in, you can feel the tension through the television screen. Tammy says, “Everyone is shooketh to the core.” One of the girls (can’t remember which) says it’s like seeing a ghost. Alayah goes straight to Peter (who is still with Shiann) and says the line: “Mind if I steal you for a sec?” Shiann is not pleased, but she also doesn’t say no.

Kelli: Once they’re rid of poor Shiann, Alayah sits down with Peter to clear her name. She tells Peter that she and Victoria P are actually good friends, and that they even planned a trip to Vegas together back in January. Peter is obviously shocked to hear this, and so am I, as a former Victoria P stan. I am disappointed and confused, which seems to be this season’s signature emotional cocktail.

Emily: Meanwhile, I, who already was feeling off about Victoria P after the football finasco, am thinking to myself, “Yes, Victoria lied. This checks out.”

Kelli: Peter decides to get down to the bottom of this (again), so he goes to talk to Victoria P She cries (2 points) and tells him that her truth is the real truth, and that she’s been nothing but open and vulnerable with him. However, she also admits that they did go to Vegas together, so… ???

Emily: I think Victoria TRULY believes that telling Peter her sob story gives her a free pass to be a shitty person and/or say whatever she wants to say. You know, I get in that headspace sometimes too when I think, like, hey, I’ve been through a lot of shit, so people should just be nice to me and let me get away with stuff. But then I remember. Oh yeah. EVERYONE has been through a lot of shit. Your tragic past does not give you a free pass to do whatever you want in your present. This was a bad look for Victoria. Her truth is a lie.

Kelli: Peter gathers Alayah and Victoria P, hoping that making them talk to each other in front of him will give him some more clarity. I, too, thought this would help us understand what the fuck is going on here, but we learn nothing from this conversation at all. Victoria and Alayah hug each other before they sit down, which I find particularly bizarre. After more back and forth about literally nothing, Peter says, “I’m confused. Is there a relationship here, or not?” 

No answer.

Here’s a theory: Victoria P and Alayah are, in fact, good friends IRL. Alayah is concerned about the show knowing this, so she and Victoria agree to lie about it. But then when Peter asks Victoria directly about Alayah, she spills that Alayah asked her not to tell the show about their relationship. Perhaps also believing that it might be bad for them on the show if the producers know the extent of their friendship, she makes it sound like they barely know each other, and uses this to make her seem like the better candidate for Peter’s heart. Then Alayah, obviously realizing Victoria used this to her own advantage and having nothing to lose after already being sent home, returns to reveal the actual truth. 

Either way, both of them lied. As usual: team no one!

Emily: I am slightly more on Alayah’s side here just because her biggest crime seems to be being annoying. But IDK IDK. Peter takes Alayah aside one-on-one to have yet another heart to heart. He tells her, “I’ve just been very frustrated myself because I do feel like I got influenced and made decisions based on other people’s opinions.” He says he felt like he didn’t trust himself and he’s going to do that from here on out. “I have no reason to question or doubt you, and I hate that I did that. But I did. And I made a mistake.” He asks her to come back. This should be worth points, coming back after being eliminated. I’mma say it’s worth 5 points. 

Kelli: Finally, Peter comes back out to the rest of the group, Alayah in tow. They sit down, and he announces that Alayah is back to stay. Then, in a COMPLETELY unnecessary move, he gives her the group date rose (10 points). Like, you can bring her back and then give her a rose in the next rose ceremony if you’re still not regretting your decision, Peter — you don’t need to rub salt in all the other girls’ wounds like this. This is definitive proof of what we’ve suspected all along: Peter is a fucking idiot.

Emily: Where is Mike? We want Mike. We’ve always wanted Mike. 

Kelli: The girls are understandably pissed. Once Peter leaves, the rest of them quickly stand up to go. This was annoying to me, because the previews made it seem like the women were going to walk out on him, which would have been so much more satisfying.

Alayah, determined to be more annoying than anyone thought possible, tells the two allies she has in the house that she heard all about Chase and Victoria F. They have no idea what she’s talking about, and she’s like “what?? You didn’t know?? The internet knows everything.” This confused me, because how would the internet have known about this when they were still filming? I guess she could have been doing a deep dive looking for spoilers… but I think it’s more likely that the producers gave her the intel and then suggested she share it with the others. I’m so over this shit. Drama on this show is not interesting when it’s so obviously planned. 

Emily: I’m pretty sure she got this intel from Reality Steve, who posts spoilers as the show is filming. It’s possible the producers gave her this info, but it’s also very likely that Alayah is a gossip who would be super curious about what was going on this season after she left. Reality Steve is readily available to anyone who wants the show to be spoiled. NOTE: This is, however, a spoiler-free recap. Keep that Reality Steve shit outta here.

Let’s move on, kinda. It’s time for Kelsey’s date. She does a signature run and jump, which is 2 points, yeah? Yeah. You know what I’m beginning to notice? At this point in the episode, my notes always get a little patchy because I’m over it. Raise your hand if you think this show should be an hour long. Me. I do.

Kelli: Raising my hand.

Peter’s first order of business is to make sure Kelsey knows that Alayah is back. This was also confusing to me. If the group date was at night, and Alayah came back to the hotel with them, wouldn’t Kelsey already know about Alayah’s return? Editors: get your shit together. Anyway, the chillness of Kelsey’s response indicates that maybe she already did know about Alayah. She plays this perfectly, because all Peter wants right now is to not think about all the drama likely waiting for him at the next rose ceremony.

Next, Kelsey and Peter interrupt some children playing to do a soap box race. What the hell is a soap box race? Is this a thing I’m supposed to know about? 

Emily: Yeah, same, but I was watching with Ben, and he was immediately like, “Oh, look, a soapbox race.” So I guess some people do know about this. Just not us. Cause we’re too cool or something. Or maybe all the cool kids are soapbox racing while Kelli and I meet our early bedtime? Let us know in the comments.

Kelli: Eventually they finish their exploration of Cleveland and head to dinner, which I think was on a boat, or at least at the edge of some water… unclear. As is tradition for one-on-one dinners, it’s time for Kelsey’s sob story. Through tears (2 points), she tells Peter that when she was a kid, she came home one day and found a letter from her dad with his wedding ring basically telling his wife and family ‘peace out.’ She found this before her mom even saw it, which means she probably had to break the news. Good job, dad. She says she didn’t see him again for 12 years because he moved to Mexico and started a different family. She explains that this is why she might seem a little tough, and that she’s had to develop a hard shell to protect herself. 

When Kelsey first started telling this story, I was about to get angry because ‘divorce’ is NOT a good sob story, but Dad ditching for a new family in Mexico is pretty decent in terms of what might fuck you up as a child. 5 points for Kelsey’s sob story.

Emily: At this point, Peter also starts crying and tells his own story of how is grandmother and mother fought so hard to come to America. I feel like Kelsey should get 5 additional points for getting the lead to cry. We don’t see this happen often, especially not this early in the season. And not about someone else’s sob story.

Kelli: Peter gives Kelsey the rose (10 points) and I’m not even mad about it. I thought Kelsey was going to be a problem, but I actually found myself endeared to her during this episode because everyone else sucks just as much or worse. Like, at least Kelsey is interesting?

Emily: Who knew that Kelsey from CHAMPAGNE-GATE fame would become our undramatic unproblematic queen? Not this girl.

We cut away from Kelsey’s date to check on the girls in the house. Victoria F is FUMING because Alayah told all of the girls about her “ex-boyfriend” Chase Rice. Victoria F takes off her hoop earrings and goes straight to Alayah to throw down. Alayah tries to act innocent, but she is seriously outclassed in this fight by Victoria F, who clearly knows how to throw down when it’s time to throw down. Alayah says, “Well I had no idea nobody knew. It was literally all over the place.” Victoria F responds, “Well guess what? No one has their phones in here.” Duh, Alayah. Also, Victoria F tells Alayah, “Did you not see that’s stirring the pot? Which is why you left in the first place?” Ouch.

Kelli: Victoria F looks like every teenager mid-july in Florida wearing flip-flops, cheerleading shorts, and a big tee. Add in a glass of wine and you’ve got Young Florida Mom. Her energy in this scene is ‘I came here to ask you to explain yourself but I don’t actually intend to listen to you, I just want to tell you about yourself and hopefully make you cry.’ I am not a fan of Victoria F at all, but I will say that I am pretty impressed by how well she expresses her thoughts in the midst of losing her absolute shit. I tend to cry and stumble over my words when I’m angry, but Victoria F is stone cold here, and I am taking notes. She has some cHoIcE wOrDs fOr PeTeR!!!!! I award her 3 points for this takedown.

Time for the rose ceremony! Just kidding, there’s no way that’s actually happening this episode. We do get to start the cocktail party, though. In an ITM, Peter tells us about how happy and confident he is with the decision he made to bring back Alayah. Then he walks into a room full of women ready to kill him.

Emily: Deandra speaks for the first time maybe ever. She says, “I’m sorry, Peter, I’ve never felt so unrecognized by somebody.” She also says that she couldn’t even look at Peter after he did that. Same. Natasha also emphatically agrees with what Deandra says. Get off my TV, Peter. Is it too late to sub in Mike? I’m not letting this go.

Kelli: Peter apologizes for making the girls feel unrecognized, and then immediately asks Victoria P if she wants to talk. This is not the move, sir. Victoria P acts super pissed and is like “I really don’t want to talk to you but fine,” and he’s like “Well if you don’t want to talk, we don’t have to,” and she’s like “no, I do want to talk, UGH.” It’s hilarious. They head outside and Peter doesn’t really get a word in edgewise because Victoria P just wants to yell at him for making the other girls feel like *she’s* the one who influenced him against Alayah. She cries again (2 points) and says he doesn’t trust her. He says he doesn’t want her to feel attacked and he feels an amazing connection with her, but she’s not having it. She tells him to go talk to the other Victoria about Alayah. Great, another side quest.

Emily: LOL a side quest. But yeah, Peter goes to talk to Victoria F, and she basically lays out what happened. Victoria F, Victoria P, and Alayah all get 2 points for this ridiculous rose ceremony-delaying drama, btw.

Kelli: After his talk with Victoria F, Peter ONCE AGAIN pulls Alayah to talk. He asks her why everyone hates her and she’s like, IDK, I have a strong personality!!! This whole situation reminds me a lot of Krystal’s relationship with the other women on Arie’s season. Everyone hates her for being fake, she acts like a totally different person with them than she does with Peter, etc. However, I think Alayah is a little less openly hostile than Krystal was.

Emily: And yet… I like Krystal more? Maybe because Krystal seemed more intelligent. 

Kelli: We like Krystal more because of Paradise, I think. Maybe Alayah will have a similar redemption arc? I don’t look forward to it.

Emily: No, I actually liked Krystal during Ari’s season a lil bit. Maybe because I hated Ari so much.

Kelli: In an ITM, Peter tells the camera he is very confused. You know he’s stressed because he starts loosening his tie. If I was wearing a tie, I would be loosening it too. 

Emily: I’m stressed because I’m looking at the clock and there are like two minutes of this episode yet and that is just not enough time for a rose ceremony FUUUUUUUCK. 

Kelli: As predicted, we get no rose ceremony, just a sad promise: “To Be Continued.” And it will Be Continued next week for FIVE HOURS, because apparently ABC wants all of us dead.

Emily: I don’t want it.

TOTALS

TEAM THE BOOK CLUB (Emily)

1. Hannah Ann -

2. Alayah - 17

3. Victoria F - 49

4. Tammy -

5. Deandra - 2

6. Sydney -

7. Shiann - 7

8. Lexi

9. Kiarra -

10. Kelsey - 44

Last week total: 103
This week: 119
SEASON TOTAL: 222

TEAM RISK IT FOR THE BISCUIT (Susan)

1. Victoria P - 8

2. Madison

3. Kelley -

4. Mykenna - 4

5. Savannah

6. Natasha -

Last week total: 94
This week: 12
SEASON TOTAL: 106

And with that, The Book Club pulls ahead by quite a large margin. But it’s still anyone’s game, and with FIVE HOURS of content next week, a lot of points can be racked up. What will happen? Is there enough wine in the world to get us through it? Find out next week…