Emily: Hello and welcome back for more insanity. Fair warning: my notes this week are kind of slim because I was too busy LITERALLY SCREAMING AT MY TELEVISION!

Susan: Peter says he has the right four. He absolutely does not. Victoria F. is still here. 

Emily: None of these women scream “ready for marriage to me,” but honestly neither does Peter so… *shrug emoji*

Susan: Is Peter’s scar growing? It’s all I can see when I look at his face. 

Emily: I don’t know, but all I would do if I was hanging out with him would be making bad Harry Potter scar jokes. Like… how can you not? He has a scar on his forehead. 

Susan: Hannah Ann is up first in Knoxville, Tennessee, aka where Jed Wyatt is from. $1000 says he’s already slid into her DMs.

Emily: We start this date with a run and jump. Well… it’s kind of a slow run and jump actually. It’s more like a jog and scoop. Traditionally, a run and jump is 5 points, but this one was kind of lackluster. So we’ll say 3 points. 

Susan: They go to an axe-throwing place, which is disappointing because there is nothing uniquely Knoxville or even Tennessee about this. These places exist everywhere.

Emily: Yes, but I’ve heard axe throwing is the new trendy thing to go out and do, so like, this is very Hannah Ann. She seems like a gal who’s all about doing whatever’s trendy rather than having actual interests. 

Susan: Peter writes Hannah Ann a note titled “Things I Love About You!” (Yes, with the exclamation point.) She is completely blown away by this gesture. I just want to know more about the fact that she has a name for every dress she’s worn. Like, human names? Please tell me some of them. 

Emily: I’m going to assume it’s like when you buy a dress at a fancy store and the dress has a name. Like the Daphne Dress or the Love My Way Gown. What up, Revolve Clothing? Sponsor us.

Susan: At the family home, we meet her emotional mom and unamused dad. “...she brought Peter with her, which is (heavy sigh) new and exciting.” He wants some proof this relationship isn’t a “flash in the pan,” but we all know he’s not going to get that. 

Emily: We’re going to refer to Hannah Ann’s dad as Ranger Rick, because this is how Hannah Ann refers to him. I honestly thought Ranger Rick was going to suck, based on the whole “Ranger Rick wants his daughter to be with a REAL MAN” narrative. But honestly? He seems chill.

Peter also seems SHOCKED that Hannah Ann’s family is so excited to see her. Like, well yeah, they’re her family. Also she still lives at home so this is likely the longest they’ve ever gone without seeing her. 

Susan: Hannah Ann and her sister sit on a bed and read Peter’s note together and it’s big middle school vibes. They cry together, so Hannah Ann gets 2 points.

Emily: Real question: Are we sure he even wrote that note? Because it looks like the same handwriting as the date cards.

Susan: Hannah Ann’s mom swoops into to remind us that the patriarchy is alive and well in this household and that Ranger Rick “isn’t going to give her away to just anybody.” My husband said, “She’s just meat for trade, right?” I love him. 

Emily: When Peter sits down with Ranger Rick, Peter tells him that he’s falling in love with Hannah Ann, “and I don’t want her to have any doubt about that and I want her to know.” This is where I really warmed to ‘ole Rick. He responds, “Well that’s a pretty big, uh… I wasn’t expecting that. For you to say that. You have to understand that when you say to to her, it’s very serious to her when you say that.” He tells him not to say that to her if he doesn’t mean it. Basically, don’t say that if you’re planning on saying that to other girls, or if you’re just going to dump Hannah Ann at the end of this. Fair enough, Ranger Rick. 

Susan: Peter’s like sir I am under contract. 

Despite Rick’s warning, Peter can’t not say he’s falling in love with Hannah Ann. So he says it, and she gets 20 points. Then she racks up 15 more by officially saying she’s in love with him. Peter is like “Say it again” because he needs that constant affirmation, of course.

Emily: Peter needs therapy, not a wife. 

Next up is Iowa, where Kelsey greets Peter with a real run and jump for the full 5 points. This run and jump is especially impressive because Peter runs up stairs and then she leaps into his arms. Talk about a cardiovascular workout.

Susan: Here in Iowa, aka not wine country, Kelsey and Peter stomp grapes and make a bottle of wine with Kelsey. He tries to make some metaphors about the taste of wine and their relationship.

Emily: Kelsey is clearly leaning into this whole wino accusation that Tammy launched at her a few weeks back. And I’m here for it. Honestly, Kelsey for Bachelorette. I stan a wine queen. 

Susan: Peter names their special bottle of wine “Wine,” which tells you everything you need to know about Peter and this whole season.

Emily: I hate him.

Susan: While they enjoy “Wine,” Kelsey tells Peter she is in love with him (15 points).

Emily: They then make out in their cute winter outfits with fall leaves floating all around them. It’s a vibe. I’m actually digging this autumnal makeout. I really miss the fall weather. I need to move North. FML.

Susan: Next, they go to Kelsey’s home to meet her family. I wish we’d gotten to hear more about her stepdad before today because it seems like they have a lovely relationship. When she talks to him, she says her biggest fear is getting her heart broken, but if it happens, she’ll pick up the pieces. She cries for 2. 

Emily: Kelsey’s mom takes Peter aside to make sure he knows that our girl Kelsey can be a bit emotional. Girl, we know. We know.

Susan: It’s time to yell WAR EAGLE a bunch because Peter goes to Auburn next to meet Madison’s family. I stay angry at Madison this entire episode because she makes it really difficult for my team (which now only consists of her) to get any points. 

Emily: Of course Madison takes Peter to the Auburn basketball court. Then we get a REAL LIFE CELEBRITY… on the big screen.

Susan: When Charles Barkley came on the big screen, I was honestly excited. Charles Barkley is hilarious and a 90s NBA treasure. Peter looks like he has no idea who Charles is, and to be fair, Charles probably filmed this without knowing who Peter or Madison were either. 

Bruce Pearl, the head basketball coach at Auburn, comes to coach them and run some dribbling drills, which unsurprisingly, Peter is bad at. Because Madison is actually good at basketball, she beats Peter at 1-on-1. Let’s give her 5 points for this, mostly because my team is desperate for points.

Emily: I’m good with that. Madison is really good at basketball. 

Next, they go to Madison’s family’s home. I immediately hate them because they do this thing at the dinner table where one family member gets the “special plate” and everyone else has to compliment them. I am not kidding. This is real life. I want to die.

Susan: They toast with sweet tea, which is very Alabama religious. 

Emily: I hate sweet tea so much. Especially when it’s in a wine glass.

Susan: Madison’s mom asks her if she’s had a chance to talk to Peter about “choices she’s made for herself” and other euphemisms for “not having sex.” The answer is no. She hasn’t mentioned the sex thing to Windmill Guy™.

Madison’s dad, who appears to be about two years older than Peter, asks Peter how he can assure him that his feelings are genuine. Peter is like “I feel it.” Ok. 

Emily: I’m sorry. Is no one going to ask Madison’s dad how he has a child who is only two years younger than he is? Babies having babies, people! 

Susan: Look, her religion and her family’s views on faith are their thing, and that’s great that it works for them. But what bothers me about the way they talk about their faith when it comes to their daughter is how patriarchal and sexist it sounds. Madison’s dad said he “laid hands” on his infant daughter and prayed for her future husband. Excuse me? 1) Her only purpose in life is not to be a wife to a husband. 2) What about what your daughter will grow up to want? 3) 4) 5) 6) 7)

Emily: I agree. I also take issue with the constant praising of Madison’s “purity.” Are we sacrificing a virgin later? Why are we so obsessed with this?

Susan: Outside the home, Peter tells Madison he’s falling in love with her again, and she says nothing again. And Risk It for the Biscuit gets NO POINTS again. BUT! He does say in an ITM that he loves Madison. So she gets some points for this. Not the full 25, but let’s say 22 points because I’m making this up as I go.

Emily: You are really grasping at straws, but fine. Anyway, he’s picking Madison at the end, right? I feel like that’s really obvious and all of this late-in-the-game drama is just here to throw us.

Susan: Peter arrives in Virginia Beach to meet Victoria, who is somehow still here. When she hugs Peter, her dog just bolts into the water and it gives me major anxiety. Then they take old time photos and eat ice cream. I am bored.

Emily: Yeah… I got nothing.

Susan: They walk up to a country music concert and the camera does a slow pan up from the singer’s boots to give us all a moment to think that maybe it’s Chase Rice again.

Emily: I believe Victoria gets private concert points here. That’s 5 points, right? Whatever the case may be, this music fucking sucks. Peter sings along, “I don’t want easy I want crazy,” and we’re all like no shit.

Susan: In a total coincidence that wasn’t at all planned by producers when Victoria was cast, one of Peter’s exes who is from Virginia Beach, Merissa, calls him aside to give him a vague and ominous warning because she used to be friends with Victoria. “There’s been many relationships broken up because of her.”

Emily: Merissa tells Peter, “I’m from here and I just know what a good guy you are, and I would hate for who you are to be affected by someone else.” She also says, “I don’t think you deserve to be with what you’re on a date with right now.” WITH WHAT YOU’RE ON A DATE WITH. The shade.

Susan: Because Peter always believes the last person he talked to, this ruins his whole day. As soon as he meets Victoria in front of her house, he confronts her. He’s like “Remember that concert when your ex was there? My ex was there today.” (Paraphrasing, but you get the idea of how dumb this opener was.)

Emily: Peter sucks at everything. Victoria basically explodes on him. Victoria acts SHOOK and says this is so much drama. Girl. She says, “You decided what Marissa told you is more important than meeting my entire family.” She’s not wrong. Peter asks her, “Do you ever fight for anything you really want? I feel like every time it’s me trying to talk you down or you trying to give up on something.” At this point, I’m actually yelling at the TV. I’ve never been this mad at this show before. And I was here for Luke P. 

Susan: Alexa, play “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry.

Emily: Meanwhile, Victoria’s whole family is waiting inside blissfully unaware of what’s going on outside. But like… can I just say? I’m SO CONFUSED. How is Victoria related to these people? She doesn’t look like them like… at all. Is this a fake family she brought in for the taping of this show? LITERALLY WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Susan: Peter is like, “Do you think I enjoy this?!” and I said out loud: “YES!”

For those of you keeping count, Victoria has now run away from Peter FOUR TIMES which means they’ve had four fights in the four times they’ve been alone. This is going awesome. 

Emily: So I guess he’s just not going to meet her fake family. Her fake family comes outside and hugs her, and I’m just like THAT IS NOT YOUR FAMILY. She cries for 2 points. 

Susan: Victoria shows up at his hotel the next day because of course this isn’t over. She apologizes and says she’s falling in love with him (10 points).

Peter describes their relationship as 99% awesome and 1% bad which is, like, an INSANELY WRONG ratio. 

Emily: Apparently Peter sucks at math too.

Susan: Time for the rose ceremony in an airplane hangar. Roses go to Hannah Ann, Madison, and (drumroll…) Victoria. You know, the girl who threw a fit and whose family he didn’t even meet.

Emily: I feel like Victoria deserves 5 points for getting a rose even though he didn’t meet her family and all she did was pick a fight with him. And she never answered for the allegations against her. AND SHE STILL GOT A ROSE. What is this witchcraft?

As Kelsey leaves, she hugs all the girls and tells them how much she loves them and I’m like, aww, this is actually sweet. I would love to see more friendship like this, please.

Susan: Peter sucks at breakups. He sits down with Kelsey and says, and I quote: “You probably didn’t see that coming at all.” She’s like...no. 

Then Peter tells all the women they are going to Australia! Victoria is definitely thinking “Wow how am I here?”

Emily: I just went to Australia last year so I’m v excited.

Susan: In an ITM, Madison says she doesn’t think Peter knows how much she’s struggling, and she won’t compromise who she is for this. She pulls Peter aside and asks him to talk, and that’s where this episode ends.

Emily: Uuuughhh. 

Totals

TEAM THE BOOK CLUB (Emily)

• Hannah Ann - 40

• Victoria F - 22

• Kelsey - 22

Last week total: 458

This week: 84

SEASON TOTAL: 542

TEAM RISK IT FOR THE BISCUIT (Susan)

• Madison - 27

Last week total: 277

This week: 27

SEASON TOTAL: 304

See you next week for fantasy suites!!