Okay, fam. It’s Windmill Week, but without the windmills this time. Let’s see what went down (pun intended) in the Fantasy Suites this week.

Susan: I started this episode when I started my third glass of wine because I was dreading it.

Emily: I have a headache. Let’s do this. 

Susan: Back at the airplane hangar (Did you know Peter is a pilot?!), we pick up with Madison and Peter’s conversation. Peter is absolutely terrified. She delivers the halfhearted ultimatum we’ve been waiting for: “If next week you were to, like, sleep with someone else, it would be really hard for me to like, move forward in this.”

Emily: To the cameras, Madison says, “I don’t think Peter knows how much I’m struggling with moving to the next level with fantasy suites and the engagement.” You could, like… talk to him about it more? Communicate? I know. Crazy.

Susan: Peter is really trying to cut to the chase: Can I bang these other girls or nah?

Emily: Peter says he hears Madison, but Madison hasn’t said she’s in love with him… sooo… Meh.

Susan: The worst part about this conversation is that she fails to tell him the most important part, which is where she stands on sex in general — a fundamental difference they have. 

Emily: Madison says to him, “If you were to sleep with someone else, it would be really hard for me to move forward in this. I owe it to you to be upfront with you and honest about that.”

Susan: She says she doesn’t want to give him an ultimatum, but...also this sounds like an ultimatum so.

Emily: Right, just because you say something isn’t an ultimatum doesn’t mean it isn’t an ultimatum.

Susan: My notes say “NO ONE ON THIS SHOW KNOWS HOW TO COMMUNICATE.”

Cut to Australia’s Gold Coast where we must take a brief time-out to appreciate that koala. Major props to my husband for seeing how much I loved the koala and immediately rewinding the show so I could see its lil face again. 

Emily: I’m so excited they’re in Australia, because, speaking of husbands, Australia is where Ben and I went for our honeymoon. Peter’s going to do a lot of talking in a fake Australian accent in this episode. And actually I’m ok with it because it’s better than his Spanish. Just saying.

Susan: Madison is staring out the window looking forlorn when Hannah Ann walks in. She’s like...um, so you’re staying here too? Then Victoria comes in with her signature “Hiiieeeeee.” They make awkward small talk. Madison asks if everyone’s hometowns went well. Victoria just nods yes…

Emily: I really hate that these three women are being forced to stay in one place together during Fantasy Suites. It’s disrespectful to all three of these girls and fucking awful and I hate it. HOW DARE YOU, ABC. I hate everything about this. It’s not even good TV.

Susan: Disrespectful, yes, but honestly...I’ve been so bored this season that I’m kind of here for this diabolical producer move.

Emily: Peter shows up and is like, “G’day Sheilas.” For real. He says he knows this is weird, but he’s looking forward to quality time with all of them. It would be less weird if they got to STAY IN DIFFERENT PLACES LIKE EVERY OTHER SEASON. Like, when he says Hannah Ann is getting the first date... he’s basically announcing in front of everyone that he and Hannah Ann are going to bone tonight.

Susan: They get on jet skis and Peter acts like Hannah Ann is  a major daredevil for participating. At one point, they just abandon one jet ski entirely and leave it in the middle of the water so they can ride together.

Emily: Hannah Ann’s shorts look so uncomfortable for this activity.. 

Susan: When Peter talks about the jet ski experience, Hannah Ann says completely unironically: “It was one of those moments where I was like, we’re livin’ life.”

Emily: Hannah Ann cries thinking about how she saw Peter with her family and she felt complete. I can’t decide if this is part of her robot programming or if she’s actually feeling real emotions, but either way Team The Book Club gets 2 points. 

Susan: Hannah Ann also fully leans into being the “cool girl” because she pretty much tells Peter it’s NBD if he smashes these other two girls. He likes this a lot and reminds her that he’s serious when he says he’s falling in love with her.

Makeout points are moot at this point in the season, but Hannah Ann does get 1 point for getting horizontal with it.

Emily: Meanwhile, Madison and Victoria are back in their harem. Victoria tells Madison she feels like it’s so important for him to explore these relationships in that way because he needs to see if this is a good fit. 

Susan: Madison just keeps staring at throw pillows and saying vague things about it being a “hard week.” 

Emily: Let’s talk about Hannah Ann’s dress in the evening portion of this date. It is very much a CHOICE. For me, the neckline makes it interesting and not just an insane tent dress, but I feel like this is only the kind of dress you could pull off if you’re insanely skinny.

Susan: Skinny or not, I really effing hate this dress. I really haven’t liked a lot of her clothes though, so this is par for the course for her.

Emily: Peter tells Hannah Ann, “When I tell you that I am falling in love with you, I mean that with every single fiber of my being.”

Susan: “Every fiber of my being” is such a cliche. I’m just not buying what this man is selling. And hot take: I don’t think Hannah is that into him either. She just seems like she’s played everything exactly right to make it this far. Went after him at the beginning, acted hesitant, cried on cue, is now “all-in,” and said hey you can fuck whoever you want. This just all seems scripted to me. 

Emily: I love that Hannah Ann laughs about the fantasy suite card being signed by Chris Harrison, because clearly it’s not from Chris Harrison. We all know this. 

Susan: Right. That card is as fake as Hannah Ann’s  feelings for Peter. To quote my husband: “This is very much a performance. And she’s a model, not an actress.”

Emily: Hannah Ann says, “When I look at him, it’s like looking at a reflection of my heart.” So robots have hearts.

Susan: They go to the fantasy suite and do a very staged makeout against a frosted glass window and I’m disappointed they didn’t do a Titanic-style sweat-wipe.

Emily: When Hannah Ann comes back from her night with Peter to confront the other girls, it is (you guessed it) really fucking weird. They’re like, “You look cute,” which we know means “DID YOU FUCK HIM.” They ask how it went. Which is such a weird thing to ask. I just feel like all of this is really disrespectful to these women and I fucking hate it. I know I’ve said that already, but I can’t stress that enough. 

Susan: Right before Hannah Ann walked in, Madison had said she was almost at her breaking point. So seeing a very post-coital Hannah Ann probably sealed that deal. But if that didn’t do it, Victoria going to get ready for her sex date did. 

Emily: Grammar time. Because Peter is stupid, he says, “it’s Victoria and I’s fantasy suite date.” For the record, “I’s” is not a word. It’s “Victoria’s and my.” Why you gotta be weird? He also says ‘I have such a great date planned for Victoria and I.” Once again, no. It’s “Victoria and me.” This isn’t hard. Why you gotta be like this? If I were dating a guy who said this, it would be a dealbreaker for me.

Susan: I have to yell about that every season. For some reason, Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants are the worst offenders of the “Somebody else and I’s” thing.

Emily: Peter says his relationship with Victoria will never be boring. Well… I think it’s really boring.

Susan: Also, unstable and volatile does not mean exciting and interesting.

Emily: In the biggest red flag statement ever, Peter basically says, “I like everything about my relationship with Victoria except talking to her.” Y I K E S. 

Susan: Right, LOL. He says their only problem is communication. Which is a pretty fucking big deal in a relationship.

Emily: Why are Peter’s lips so pale? He needs some chapstick.

Susan: Justin thought that his lips were covered in Victoria’s makeup. But yeah, something’s up. Anyway, they see the Gold Coast in a helicopter and then have some champagne by a waterfall. I think Victoria actually got the best date activities.

Emily: Back in the harem, Madison tells Hannah Ann she would be uncomfortable with Peter sleeping with anyone. Hannah Ann’s face is like “wuuuuuut.” 

Susan: Yeah, this is where I start to get uncomfortable with the whole situation of them being in the same place. Because if they weren’t, Madison would never have said this to Hannah Ann. And this comment isn’t really fair to Hannah Ann, who has her own, separate relationship with Peter and probably feels weird as hell now. And Madison’s discomfort with sex is not Hannah Ann’s problem. 

Emily: Victoria says she needs Peter to know why she is the way she is. She says that in her 3 year relationship she was never asked about her feelings, so she gets defensive. And it took her a while to realize that’s what was happening.  She says, “In the past I gueeeeeesssss I didn’t feel good enough for him. I don’t know.” Peter says, “You do know.” Victoria whines back, “No I don’t I’m tryyyinnng! I guess I didn’t feel good enough because it made me question everything I guess. I don’t know. Does that make sense?” No it doesn’t make sense. Also it sounds made up.

Susan: This sucked because for a second, I thought they were about to have a real conversation about their individual relationship histories and triggers, etc. Instead, it was more “I doooon’t knooooowwww.” And yet, Peter is still like, “Wow, what a challenging and amazing relationship.”

Emily: Victoria starts crying and uses her dress as a tissue. 2 points for the tears. 1 point for the resourceful use of her dress. We make up the rules as we go.

Susan: They go to a Fantasy Suite that looks like an Airbnb. I’m 99% sure they had sex because they’re both super happy in the morning, and these two are usually miserable together. Victoria says she was falling for Peter before, but now she’s in love with him (15 points).

Emily: Victoria says last night their relationship was taken forward in more ways than one. So they did butt stuff too? Yes, that’s where my head went right away.

Susan: It’s possible. Madison will definitely not want to ask about this date when they all get back to the brothel. 

Emily: When Victoria gets back to the harem, it’s weird again. Victoria tells Hannah Ann she looks so cute and Hannah Ann tells Victoria she looks so skinny. And she says “thank yooou!” Ugh, so much to unpack here and I just don’t have the time or the energy. 

Susan: Victoria says their date was “productive.” And I said, “More like reproductive.” Ba-dum tsss.

Emily: I seriously barely took notes during Madison’s date because I was SO BORED, so this is all you.

Susan: Well first of all, Madison didn’t even run and jump because I swear she is trying to sabotage Team Risk It for the Biscuit. Madison and Peter go on a classic Bachelor adrenaline date to a very tall building where they have to climb some outdoor stairs to see an amazing view. 

They absolutely cannot stop themselves from talking in metaphors about uphill climbs and the wind being against you, etc. It’s all bad. She says in an ITM that she realized that she loves him, and of course, she doesn’t tell him because  — again! — she doesn’t want to get any points for my team. It’s starting to feel personal. 

Emily: When we get to the night portion of the date, I’m thinking this is supposed to be the big climax (LOL CLIMAX) of the episode, and yet… I’m still really bored. This is just more of the same stuff Peter and Madison discussed at the beginning of the episode. The only difference is now Peter has definitely had sex with both of these women. 

Susan: But here we do finally hear Madison articulate her own decision to not have sex until she’s married. She says she understands that’s not everyone’s choice and she doesn’t want to seem like she’s judging him. He says he respects “the hell out of her, but that’s not me.” I’m glad he just said that as straightforward as possible. 

Emily: Madison says, “I’m not giving you an ultimatum, but my expectation in life is that you don’t sleep with the other women.”  Peter responds, “you’d be able to walk away from this because of something I did with the other women?” She says, “I just can’t wrap my mind around in a week from now if you’re down on one knee and 6 days before you’d slept with someone else.”

There’s a lot wrong with this conversation on both sides, honestly. It’s fine for Madison to set expectations for herself and her own sexuality. It’s unfair for her to set expectations for someone else. Everyone’s sexuality is their own choice. We can have a separate conversation about how much of Madison’s choice to remain “pure” was her own, but regardless, she can’t make that decision for someone else. Peter, on the other hand, knew how she felt going into this week and was intimate with the other women anyway. He didn’t promise her anything, but he also knew what she expected, so if he’s going to pick her then I think it’s kind of fucked up for him to sleep with other people, knowing how she feels. And I do think he intends on picking her. Like, it’s pretty obvious.

Susan: Counterpoint: She didn’t actually say exactly what she expected/needed from him at the hangar. She said more in an ITM, but she was vague with him and just said it “would be hard for her” and that “actions speak louder than words.” None of that is direct enough, and she also didn’t explicitly say she’d walk away if that happened. And you’re right – he didn’t promise her anything. 

Now, if he already knew before these dates that he wanted to pick her, it might have been wiser not to have sex with the others just to avoid this situation, but I don’t think he owes chastity to Madison at this point. Especially when she was super vague about it and didn’t even explain her own feelings/stance on sex. This show has been on for 24 seasons. We all know that the fantasy suites are a thing. In the regular world, this is a different story. Of course no one wants to get engaged to someone who had sex with someone else six days ago.

Anyway, back to the recap: Madison says she doesn’t want to ask for details but that she pretty much needs to know if he slept with the others. He said he won’t give details but he has “been intimate.” This was a shitty position to put him in, in my opinion. And shitty for the other women who didn’t know their private actions would be made public. 

Susan: Madison walks away at this point and cries. 2 points! Finally! Peter is also crying. He goes after her and tells her that if she can see them together at the end that she shouldn’t walk away. Which sounds a lot like, “I’m planning to pick you.” Madison says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do and walks away again. And that’s where ABC leaves us. Without answers and without a rose ceremony.

Emily: I’m very annoyed that this Women Tell All preview features no actual clips from The Women Tell All. What are we doing here? But I am excited for next week, for once. 

Susan: Eh, I don’t want to revisit all the women yelling over one another again, but I do want a damn rose ceremony. Also, the post-credit sequence was great again. Go watch it if you missed it.

TOTALS

The Book Club (Emily)

Hannah Ann - 3
Victoria - 18
This Week: 21
Last Week’s Total: 542
Season Total: 563

Risk It for the Biscuit (Susan)

Madison - 2
This Week: 2
Last Week’s Total: 304
Season Total: 306

Basically, Susan needs every member of her team to do seriously crazy shit on the Women Tell All in order for her team to have any shot at the biscuit. See you next week!