We know this recap is late. It’s 2021, which is turning out to be the bigger, meaner, younger sibling of 2020. So give us a break. We’re doing our best. Anyway, here we are, ready to recap the second season of The Sorority. Oops, we mean The Bachelor. It’s time for these teams to start earning Susan and Emily points, so how did it all go? Let’s find out!

Susan: We begin the week with sweeping autumnal views and a really unsubtle Peloton advertisement as we watch Matt James work out. But what happens after a workout? He’s gotta clean his abs in the shower, duh!

Emily: It’s been a while since we’ve seen so much blatant Bachelor eye candy. They definitely didn’t lean much into it during Peter’s season. But now we’re squarely back into Sean Lowe territory with the extended shots of Matt James’ bare torso. They really want us to believe Matt James is hot. And yes, I get it. Some women will think he’s hot. Some women do think he’s hot. But me? I’m not buying it. Stop trying to sell it to me.

We check in on the girls and they want everyone to know they have no interest in being in a sorority. “Sorority” is definitely the magic word of the episode. As in, every time someone said it, I wanted to scream. 

Susan: Sarah says Nemacolin is “a beautiful place to fall in love,” and I’m awarding her 2 points for uttering this iconic Bachelor line.

Emily: Of course, Chris Harrison shows up now because he’s literally not allowed to leave the hotel. He tells the women that because there are a record number of contestants, not everyone gets a date this week. But that’s true every season. Like… how short term do you think our memories are? Very often not all women get a date. And they freak out about it. That’s part of the whole deal. 

Susan: The first one-on-one date goes to Bri, who was my first round pick! 20 points to Bri. Her date card says, “Love is an adventure,” and that’s a super uninspired message. Try harder, producers. A few of the women say they are happy for Bri, and Victoria needs to make it known that she, for one, is not happy. She’s “not jealous”—she just wants what Bri has. Which is the definition of jealousy. 

Emily: So they’re going to ride ATVs which is great and all whatever but… I have a very important question to ask about Bri on this date. And that is… WHY IS HER SWEATER TIED LIKE THIS? Is that what the kids are doing these days? I hate it? It’s like her sweater is trying to cop a feel of one boob. Why is Bri doing this? Who hurt her?

Susan: Riding ATVs with someone is just not an ideal first date for me. Especially because Matt seems off in his own little muddy world. And also because I’m a pretty safe babe and that felt legitimately dangerous when they tipped over. Am I being too boring?

Emily: Yeah, I don’t know. This seems fun to me. But at this point I think I’d do literally anything to get out of the house. I’ve been fantasizing about skydiving lately. 

Susan: It’s time for one of my favorite Bachelor tropes: a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. 5 points to Bri for hot tub time. Ok, so the show really tries to make Matt look sexy here. He takes off his shirt to chop wood, but the axe they gave him is like miniature. It basically looks like a hatchet, and it’s so awkward that he swings it with both arms to chop that tiny ass piece of wood. What was this? 

Emily: You know what? I didn’t think about it for two reasons: 1) I have never in my life chopped wood or held an axe, so I probably looked at this and thought, “Ok this is what an axe looks like.” 2) Maybe I also assumed Matt James is just a really tall dude so he made the axe look small. Who knows? In his interview with Rachel and Becca, Matt James does mention that the axe was very tiny, so I guess I’m just the indoors bitch who didn’t notice. 

Susan: At dinner, Bri reveals that her mother got pregnant with her at age 13, and she raised her as a single parent. They were very close, and her mother did not date while Bri was growing up. Now, Bri’s mom is engaged and pregnant, and Bri feels a little left out of her mom’s new family. This was a really interesting story and definitely not an experience we’ve seen represented on the show before. 5 points for the story.

Emily: I mean! Can you imagine getting pregnant at 13? And then basically having to give up your life to raise a child? At that age? I can understand why Bri’s mom wants a do-over now, but I also can see why Bri would feel left out. Maybe this is why Bri wears her sweaters this way. It’s all coming together.

Susan: Back at the hotel, Victoria, who is definitely going on the group date, says she doesn’t want to go on a group date because she doesn’t feel like she can be her “authentic self” with everyone around. I’ve seen enough and do not care to get to know her authentic self.

When the group date card arrives, EIGHTEEN women are on it. From Team Tapped By a Dildo, we have Chelsea, Serena P., Abigail, Kristin, Lauren, Serena C., Kit, Katie, Mari and Rachael. From Team On the Brink of Mental Ruin, we have Sydney, Illeana, Jessenia, Kaili, MJ, Khaylah, Pieper and—you guessed it—Victoria. 

Emily: This is quite a big group date. But we’ll get to it a little bit later, because guess what? We’re still on a date with Matt and Bri, and he’s just given her the rose for 10 points! Congrats, Bri. She gets fireworks, which seems like it should be worth 5 points. I really don’t remember, so we’re just going to go with that, because it’s our recap. Of course, they also make out for 2 points, because how can you see fireworks and not kiss under them? That just goes against science. 

Susan: Because all of this is happening on the same property, the women all get to see the fireworks Matt and Bri are making out underneath. It bums them out, which sets Victoria off again. She says, “Now you know how I feel, and you were so rude to me this morning.” 2 points for stirring the pot. Even though I can’t stand her, my team thanks her. 

Emily: Yeah, your team is crushing it this episode already. Before the group date starts, Matt just wants to remind us that he comes from a “broken home” and therefore he doesn’t know what it means to be in a healthy relationship. Boy. Cry me a river. Also, that’s bullshit. And I’m just going to keep reminding everyone this is bullshit every time Matt says this dumb crap. I hate him.

Susan: On the group date, the women pick out wedding dresses and pose for wedding photos with Matt under an arch. Franco the photographer was apparently a big hit on Tayshia’s season, so he’s back, and he’s loving it. 

Emily: I need Bach Nation to weigh in on Franco. Ben says he looks like a skinny Arnold Schwartzenegger. I say he’s a gay Willem Dafoe. What do you see? Sound off in the comments. Another note about Franco: are we sure he’s a professional photographer? Because these photographs are objectively bad.

Susan: Jessenia kisses Matt during her photos for 2 points. Victoria cuts in line and also kisses Matt (2 points), but her kiss looks far less consensual. 

Emily: Only half of the women end up getting their pictures with Matt. Why? Because Chris Harrison shows up to let them know that what Matt James really wants is to see them all fight for his heart. And that means… throwing paint at each other and wrestling over oversized stuffed hearts? I kind of tuned out for this part because it was chaos. 

Susan: This game makes zero sense. It’s supposed to be like Capture the Flag, but since there are no rules, it’s more just like a big paint fight? It doesn’t even look like anyone tries to capture the other team’s heart for a really long time. Franco starts running around amongst the women, and the referee sits in a chair paying as much attention as a teenage lifeguard at your hometown public pool. Chris yells “Guard and protect your heart!” in a classic Bachelor throwback to Ali’s season. 

Emily: I really love how he threw that in there for the 5 of us who are old enough to remember Ali’s season and the iconic line. And that dude’s really bad singing. Never forget. 

Susan: Eventually, MJ captures the flag and brings home victory for the Red Team. Let’s give her 5 points for this. Matt awards the MVB (Most Valuable Bride) award to Mari, so she gets to join the winning team for the evening portion of the date. 3 points to Mari for leaving her loser ass team behind.

Emily: As the loser team goes home, Rachael starts crying because she can’t believe she doesn’t get to spend more time with Matt. 2 points to Rachael for crying over something so stupid. Katie also cries. She says, “There’s frosting on my boobs and this dress and I’m tired.” I’d like to believe they’re both just crying because they’re so tired. Which I get. Anyway, 2 points for Katie, too. 

Susan: Mari plus the Red Team (MJ, Victoria, Kit, Jessenia, Kaili, Serena Pieper, Khaylah and Lauren) join Matt for a cocktail party, and we see him spend one-on-one time with a few of the women.

Emily: At this cocktail party, I really got a sense for how I don’t know anyone’s name yet. And I feel like I’m having a particularly difficult time telling them apart this season because they’re all so freaking hot. Like, I can’t discern who anyone is because they’re all the hot one. When Lauren gets her 1-on-1 time with Matt, my brain tells me this woman is on my team, and that her name is probably Lauren, but on the other hand, she could be some other incredibly hot woman. I’m not really sure until I see her chiron. She is in fact Lauren. She and Matt talk about Jesus a whole lot and how hard it is to be a Christian or some other nonsense. I try not to roll my eyes back into my head so far that they get stuck that way. This is going to be a long season.

Susan: Jessenia tells Matt she’s dealt with infidelity in her past and it’s made it hard for her to trust people. She cries for 2 points talking about her parents and how much she wants a love like theirs. Matt brings back that big churchy energy when he says there are “certain responsibilities” men have, which include protecting your wife and providing for your family. Call me new-fangled, but wouldn’t it be cool if partners could support, protect and provide things for each other? Idk. 

Emily: I don’t know either. I hate him. 

Susan: In some other part of this resort, the losing team and the remaining contestants await the final date card, which comes for Sarah (20 points) and says “Sky’s the limit for us.” This means Magi, Alana, Marylynn and Anna are not getting dates this week. What’s going on back on the group date? 

Emily: Well, Susan, back at the group date, Matt gives the group date rose to Lauren for 10 points, and Victoria is really mad because she opened up to him about how she feels fat sometimes. She doesn’t understand why that wasn’t enough to get the rose. Where to begin? Lauren and Matt make out for 2 points. 

Susan: It’s time for Sarah’s date and I LOVE her jacket. They fly around in a teensy-ass plane that looks quite terrifying. The other women see the plane, and Rachael says that’s more special than any first date she’s ever been on, as if flying in a tiny plane on a first date is in any way normal. 

Emily: At some point during this date, Matt explains to Sarah that he’s looking for someone to be his emergency contact. And then he proceeds to explain to her that an emergency contact is someone you write down on forms so that people know who to contact if anything bad happens to you. At this point in the conversation, I would have said to this joker, “Yes, that is what an emergency contact is.” Which is reason #3,572 that Matt James and I will never date.

Susan: At dinner, Matt says it’s time for deeper conversation. Sarah explains how her dad was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) when she was in college, and although he’s outlived his doctors’ expectations, it has been devastating to watch him deteriorate over the past five years. She quit her job in television and moved home to be a caregiver for him. She talks about doing things for him that he once did for her, like brushing his hair. Sarah gets 5 points for sharing this heartbreaking story.

Emily: Matt responds in the way any evangelical Christian would, and says he’s going to pray for her father. Gross.

Susan: I never know how to feel when someone says they’ll pray for me, but Sarah seems to appreciate Matt’s response. Matt gives her the rose for 10 points, they kiss for 2 points, and Matt gets Sarah’s makeup all over his face. Clearly production does not do anything about it because it remains on his nose during his ITM. 

Emily: I’m getting the sense that there’s going to be a lot of hot tub action this season. Hopefully soon ABC will throw me a bone and let one of the fine ladies on my team get a hot tub date. But for now, Susan’s team gets EVEN MORE points, as Sarah hops into a hot tub with Matt for 5 more points. 

Susan: At the cocktail party, Matt sits down with Abigail first, and they decide on a secret gesture to do that shows the other one they’re thinking about them or blowing them a kiss. It’s cute. And it should be noted that this is the correct use of the word “gesture,” as opposed to when Victoria said the Yellow Team was “a bunch of gestures.”

Emily: I’m giving Abigail 2 points for this new secret gesture, because this feels genuine and suggests a growing connection between them. Also please help my team, Abigail. 

Susan: Matt sits down with Marylynn who is almost in tears because she didn’t get a date. I already miss having older people on this show. Anyway, Matt gives her an orchid because she told him it was her favorite flower last week. She’s absolutely giddy, and I think she should get 2 points for the flower.

Emily: Surprising no one, Victoria does NOT like that Marylynn gets this special attention. She takes Matt aside to tell him that she believes Marylynn cries for attention and to manipulate situations.

Susan: First of all, Victoria does not know what it means to be an empath. Second of all, why did she choose that bra with that dress? It’s all I can see or think about. 

Emily: Victoria loves a visible bra. This is the second time she’s rocked this look this episode. 

Susan: I know Matt has never been on this show, but sometimes it’s like he’s never even seen the show. He immediately decides Victoria has been bullied and “that’s whack.” Matt pulls Marylynn aside, and when she tells him Victoria is making everything up, Matt cannot compute and just has no idea what to believe. The other women talk about how something isn’t adding up.

Emily: Marylynn and Victoria sit down and talk. This conversation goes nowhere, but here’s what we can take away from this, as we see it. Marylynn tries to apologize, even though it doesn’t seem like she really did anything wrong. Victoria refuses to sit with Marylynn. Victoria says they’re like oil and vinegar, so I guess they go really good on a salad. 

Susan: I know there is editing involved here, but Victoria’s conflict style stresses me the f*ck out. She doesn’t listen at all, interrupts a lot, and just decides she’s done with the conversation and walks away. Abigail takes Marylynn aside and comforts her. 2 points to Abigail for friendship and being cool.

Everyone is mostly annoyed that this conflict has taken up their time with Matt. A few women express their irritation with Victoria, and Marylynn cries for 2 points.

At the rose ceremony, Matt gives out roses to Pieper, Kit, Magi, Rachael, Abigail, Chelsea, Jessenia, Serena C., and…

Emily: Sarah faints. This is such old school drama. We haven’t seen this for a few seasons. So I’m thinking Sarah deserves 5 points for bringing back this oldie but goodie. Anyway, TO BE CONTINUED, I guess.

Let’s see how our teams did!

Emily - Team Tapped By A Dildo

Katie - 2
Kristin
Serena P.
Rachael - 2
Chelsea
Abigail - 4
Mari - 3
Kit
Lauren - 12
Marylynn - 2
Serena C.
Alana
TOTAL: 25

Susan - Team On the Brink of Mental Ruin 

Bri - 47
Sarah - 44
Jessenia - 4
Khaylah
MJ - 5
Magi
Kaili
Anna
Pieper
Sydney
Victoria - 2
Illeana
TOTAL: 102

Susan’s team pulls ahead with a pretty significant lead this week, but it’s still anyone’s game! Tune in next week to find out what happens!