We interrupt your week of celebrating Joe Biden and Kamala Harris to bring you Ashley I. reading erotica and Matt James kissing with his eyes open. Read on to find out who thinks “groin” is a sexy word and who gets interrupted by a herd of donkeys in this week’s recap!

Emily: Before we get into this episode about Matt James, a dude we have ZERO HISTORY with, I want to talk about some recent news concerning a contestant we have lots of history with: Clare. Since we last posted, Clare and Dale have broken up, and while a lot of people are snarkily saying “wow shocker,” I for one just want to say I was saddened by this news. I really was rooting for them, and I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work out. We also got word that Chris and Bri from Listen to Your Heart have gone their separate ways. I know Susan was not as invested, but I was also really sad to hear this. We might make fun of this show, but I think generally speaking, we want these people to be happy (except for Peter) and hope for the best for them (not you, Peter). 

Susan: Yes, I am also bummed about Clare and Dale. And speaking of being snarky, a lot of social media commentary has been like “Dale deserves better” and “Clare is cRazY” and for the record, I’m still Team Clare. I genuinely want her to be happy, and it sounds like she’s pretty devastated right now.

Back to the season at hand: We jump right back into the “action” as Sarah has suffered an almost-fainting episode. Matt takes her outside for air and gives her his jacket. It’s hard to say how long this all takes because most of the women inside are just sitting down on the risers chilling at this point. 

Emily: I really love how when Matt takes Sarah outside to give her air, they’re seriously just standing right in front of the door so all the girls can see them. They’re having their little moment, and in the background, you can see all the women on the other side of the window just sitting there and watching. Not awkward at all. Victoria is pissed. She says, “This is the Bachelor, not the Sarah show.” Marylynn starts crying again for 2 points. 

Susan: As a reminder, before last week’s cliffhanger, Matt had given roses to Pieper, Kit, Magi, Rachael, Abigail, Chelsea, Jessenia and Serena C. Now the ceremony continues, and the remaining roses go to Khaylah, Mari, MJ, Anna, Kaili, and Victoria. This means Marylynn, Alana, Kristin, Sydney and Illeana are going home. 

Emily: I am really upset Kristin is going home so soon. I expected great things from her. She was my second pick overall. She wore a showercap during the bridal paintball war. She was an American hero. Will I ever get to see her again? Who knows. In my notes, I was so emotional at this elimination that all I could manage to write down was “wtf.” I guess let’s move on.

Susan: Chris Harrison arrives to tell the women that he has planned the dates this week because Matt has trouble getting uncomfortable. Which is funny because Matt looks uncomfortable every single moment he is on screen. See what I did there?

Emily: Also, I hate when this show insults our intelligence like this. Chris Harrison didn’t plan these dates. Matt James doesn’t normally plan the other dates. Production plans them. Don’t be like this, show. We’re not children. We know Santa isn’t real. 

Anyway, the first group date card arrives and it’s for: Rachael, Bri, Lauren, Kit, Serena C., Victoria, Khaylah, Anna, Kaili, and Katie. It says, “Today is a surprise for everyone.” 

Susan: The women are like, “Wow, what do you think it means?!” But the whole point of this card is that no one knows what it will be and they weren’t given any context besides “it’s a surprise.” Anyway, here’s what it actually is: erotica fanfic. Emily, please explain. 

Emily: When they arrive, Ashley I. is on stage reading some “sexy” lines from Chris Harrison’s book which I will not link to here because the only reason this is happening to us is because sales for his crappy book are down. And I don’t want to participate in this cash grab. But I guess this is supposed to be inspiration for them to write their own erotica about Matt James? Katie is like, “I’m in my element!” And again I’m reminded why I picked her first. 

Susan: Ashley I., who apparently has no life obligations outside of hosting group dates now, sits with the women as they write their stories. Not a one of them looks like they need Ashley’s help. Go home, Ashley. 

Emily: Yeah, I’m not sure Ashley really contributed anything here at all. 

Susan: So the live audience is just the remaining contestants. Matt reads his “steamy” scene first, and I used quotation marks for a reason there. It was not sexy, and that’s mostly because Matt stared at the women with completely dead eyes and uttered the phrase “Mmmm. Chocolate cake.” 

Emily: He’s also just a really bad reader? I’ve had to sit through a lot of bad readings in my day, so I know a bad reading when I see one. On to the women, who for the most part are much better at reading their work than Matt was. 

Susan: I’m gonna need to hear the uncensored versions of Katie and Victoria’s stories because those are the only ones that sounded interesting or erotic. 2 points each to Katie and Victoria for going for it.  

Emily: The most thought-provoking line of the date goes to Victoria, who wrote, “He knew her orgasm was real because she was never fake like the girls from his past.” This made me think because I really couldn’t decide if this was more of a jab at the other women or at Matt James. Because, okay, maybe these girls have faked an orgasm or whatever. But doesn’t that just mean Matt James is bad at giving women orgasms? Weigh in in the comments, friends. 

Susan: Most of the audience seems to be having a good time, but Sarah is starting to unravel because hearing other women talk about made-up sex scenes with Matt is “so brutal.”

Emily: The whole time, I was watching Sarah and her big crocodile tears (which are still tears so 2 points to her) and remembering that it’s highly likely she’s had a boyfriend back home this whole time. Sure, they’re just rumors and some people say they’re false or whatever. But where there’s smoke there’s fire, and I don’t know. This doesn’t feel genuine at all. More on this later. 

Susan: During the evening portion of the date, Matt and Rachael both keep saying they feel good about where they are, but they’re not really talking about anything? I know absolutely nothing about Rachael, except that she chose to use the word “groin” in an erotic setting. That makes me think she calls Matt’s dick his “area.” They make out for 2 points.

Emily: I think this is as good a time as any to point out that Matt makes out with his eyes open, which is incredibly unsettling. 

Susan: Katie, our sex positive queen, tells the other women how much she enjoyed them opening up and emphasizes that they all should be comfortable talking about those things together because communicating about sex is important in partnerships. 2 more points for this. 

Emily: Love her. Bri and Matt also talk and also make out. Congrats, Bri, enjoy the open-eyed makeout sesh and these 2 points. Meanwhile, back in the lady corral, the next date card has arrived, and it’s for (drumroll please) SERENA P! Yay! 20 points to Serena P. Everyone is happy for her, except for Sarah, who is spiraling. 

Susan: Sarah did not come sit with the group when they received the one-on-one date card because she’s still feeling insecure. She explains she feels triggered because of some infidelity issues in her past. So her remedy for this is to show up on the group date she is not even part of. This is a painfully bad move that’s made even worse by the fact that she interrupts our girl Katie and asks if she can steal Matt for a sec. 

Emily: Katie is probably the best person Sarah could have interrupted, because she’s so chill about everything. She just says, “Wow, I’m surprised to see you here,” but then graciously gets up to allow Sarah to speak to Matt for a while. She doesn’t feel comfy about it, however. Katie goes to sit with the other women and tell them what happened. They are shook. They tell Katie she has to go back and demand her time because she shouldn’t have to stand for this bullshit. Yeah! Katie’s fired up. She’s going back in. 

But when she walks back in to ask Sarah to give up the time she has stolen, Sarah says, “Five more minutes.” Katie responds, “How about 2 minutes?” And Sarah acts put out. Sarah! You ain’t even supposed to be on this date. What the fuuuuck. 

Susan: Matt makes questionable choices throughout this episode, and one of his worst ones is here. Sarah asks if he can walk her out and he does, and they make out. While Katie is sitting right on the other side of a screen. Sarah gets 2 points for this, but it’s a lame move.

Emily: Yeah, this is just one of the many reasons I think it’s dumb to pick someone to be the lead who hasn’t been a contestant on the show before. Matt has zero idea what it feels like for the women in this situation. And since he seems to have no real grasp on the concept of empathy, he can’t even imagine what it might be like for these women. Nor does he really try. 

When Matt finally returns to Katie, Sarah has the sudden realization that not all the women will be as chill about what she did as Katie was. And so she goes to talk to them and explain herself to basically try to save face. This backfires big time. Sarah explains that she had something really important to tell Matt, but that it’s just between them. But she says, “I just want you to hear from me and not anyone else.” Meaning… not Katie? Too late, boo. The thing is, Sarah hasn’t really told them anything, so it’s not surprising when one of the women responds, 
“We didn’t even hear it from you.”

Susan: I never love the girl-on-girl fighting on this show, but I can see why all of them are upset with Sarah, especially when she went out of her way to “apologize” and “explain,” but she actually explains nothing. Victoria follows Sarah outside and brings some weird energy to the situation. She’s like WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT YOU LIKE GIRL LITERALLY IT MUST BE VERY SERIOUS IF YOU SHOWED UP HERE LIKE LITERALLY. 

Emily: I loved this from Victoria. She said, “You must not be a malicious person, so you must be sick or something. We were really worried for you.” Such shade. Such real, passionate shade. 2 points for this quality shade.

Susan: Katie comes up and says she’d like to hear from Sarah what’s going on. Sarah mumbles about things on her heart and so on, and Katie cuts to the chase and is like, “So basically you’re having insecurities?” Sarah rambles some more and Katie says she needs to go figure out her shit, and quickly, because it’s affecting other people now and that’s not cool. 

Emily: You know what I hate? I saw a lot of people on the Internet commenting that they were surprised that the girl who brought a vibrator on night one turned out to be such a mature, kind, and supportive person. As if somehow emotional maturity and sexual confidence are mutually exclusive? They are not.

Susan: Matt comes back to the group, and it sounds like about half of them didn’t get to talk to him at all because of Sarah’s interruption. He gives the group date rose to Rachael (10 points) and peaces out. Everyone is irritated, and Serena C. cries in an ITM for 2 points.

Susan: Back in the common area the next day, Serena P. is excited for her one-on-one. We finally see the moment the previews have been teasing us with. Victoria says to Serena, “Can you tell Matt that, like, Sarah sucks?” 

Emily: It seems to me like Victoria is just loving the fact that all the women are hating on a girl that’s not her for a change. She’s really egging this on. 

Matt shows up for the date, and immediately notices that Sarah isn’t there. He tells Serena P that he just needs five minutes to check on Sarah. Matt promises Sarah that what they shared was real, but I’ve heard him say this to multiple girls now, so this seems to be his line.

Susan: I was surprised at the amount of validation he’s showering on her. It’s...a lot. And she’s getting soooo much screen time (and Matt time) this episode. Matt finally comes back to the women after WAY longer than five minutes, and he and Serena P. head off to ride horses and have a picnic. For the record, this is so much better than riding ATVs or getting in a scary-tiny plane. Cute animals, charcuterie, and champagne? I’m in. 

Emily: For the record (another record), Matt says he’s not a wine guy and he doesn’t know how to make a cheese board. Bye, Matt. Can I walk you out?

Susan: I love that Matt toasts to unconventional living when he seems like the most conventional dude ever. I’ve already decided Serena P. is way too cool for him. They kiss for 2 points and are interrupted by a donkey, which was rather delightful. 

Emily: The donkey also photobombs their selfie. I love this donkey. 

Susan: At dinner, I continue to be Team Serena P. She comes off kind and intelligent, and she seems to know herself well. She talks about her one serious relationship where she was “deeply in love” and went through a tough breakup. She asks Matt if he’s ever been in love. 

Emily: I really didn’t pay attention to what Matt James said in response to this because it was a whole lot of nonsense. The answer is, no, he has not been in love. Anything else he said was to mask that fact. We know this because he’s said to the camera that he’s never been in love. I love that earlier in the date Serena P. admitted to “falling in like” with Matt. She’s not rushing into saying she loves him just yet. But she does tell Matt she could see herself falling in love with him, which we all know is the first step on the ladder to love on this show. You’ve gotta see it before you can be it.

Susan: There is nothing about Matt that makes me believe he is ready for marriage, or really even ready for a serious relationship. I’m not buying it at all. 

Emily: Yeah. You know I agree. Anyway, we get ANOTHER HOT TUB. It seems like they’re just going to get in a hot tub for every 1-on-1 this season, which makes us giving points for hot tubs seem kind of ridiculous. But rules are rules. Serena P gets 5 points. She also gets the date rose (duh) for 10 points. 

Susan: Back at the hotel, Sarah is still avoiding the group. She suddenly appears when it’s time for the group date card. Before it can be read, Sarah attempts to apologize to the women who were on the group date—but especially Katie—and then apologizes to the rest of the group for not coming down and clearing the air sooner. This does not go over well. 

Emily: Victoria is truly over it, and she can’t wait for Matt to just see through Sarah’s bullshit and send her home already. In fact, she says, “If Matt sends her home, I’ll want to fuck him because that would be so hot.” I told you she was going all in on this Sarah hate. 

Susan: Look, we all know Sarah’s apology was lame and empty. She’s a terrible communicator, and she doesn’t acknowledge how her actions affected other people. However, I also think a few of the women are pretty mean right here. Victoria is an obvious one, but I didn’t love Anna’s commentary either. 

The next day (??? tbh I have no idea what day it is), Katie comes to talk to Sarah in her room. She tells her the pile-on was hard to watch and she did not like it. Sarah says she wants to leave, and Katie encourages her to stay if she believes she has a connection with Matt. Sarah says she’s not in a good headspace here and opens up to Katie about her father’s terminal illness, saying he likely only has weeks left to live. Katie begins to cry (2 points) and tells Sarah that her dad passed away in 2012, and because she understands what Sarah is going through, she encourages her to go be with her father. Katie gets all my roses this week. She gets even better when she talks to the rest of the group. 

Emily: This really frustrated me, especially because Katie lost her father. I have no doubt that Sarah has a lot of emotions about the situation with her father. But she says here that her father literally has weeks left to live. Which… this feels like a lie. If that were really the case, she wouldn’t have come on the show in the first place. If she did come on the show and decided she couldn’t handle being away from her father in his last weeks of life, then fair enough. But this isn’t what she tells Matt later, so I’m not buying this at all. And I think it’s really emotionally manipulative to take her reasoning in this direction, especially when Katie is emotional about the death of her own father. Katie tells Sarah, “I missed out on my goodbye to my dad, so I would never want that for you.”

Anyway, Katie, being a sensitive dear, goes to the group and explains to them that Sarah has some family issues and that’s what’s been going on, and that’s why she’s decided to leave. This is much more than Sarah deserves, TBH. I feel like Katie deserves 5 points for basically handling this Sarah situation. 

Susan: As I said earlier, I don’t like watching women fight, especially when it devolves into name calling or anything that feels cruel in spirit. I understand why people were upset about what Sarah did because it was inconsiderate, but the only woman who really handled this conflict with grace was Katie, even earlier in the episode when she was angry. She listened, tried to understand and actually connected with Sarah instead of calling her names and rolling her eyes. We stan.

Emily: Okay, so this is why I’m being so harsh on Sarah. When she goes to talk to Matt, she barely brings up her father at all. Suddenly, the reason she’s leaving is all about the other women in the house being mean to her. Sarah tells Matt that she felt attacked by the women in the house. I’m done.

Susan: Okay, yes, I hear you there. My only note about their conversation was along the lines of “Wait, so why did she even bring up the women?” I’m confused about the way she framed this, but either way, it’s clear she’s got some shit going on, and it’s probably best if she does that somewhere else. Matt is just really not great in these situations. He never seems to know what to say to people besides “I’ll pray 4 u.” He is sad to see her go, and Sarah cries a lot on the way out. Do we think there’s any chance she’ll come back later in the season? This is such a dramatic exit for how early it is.

Emily: Honestly, no. I think this is it for Sarah. Sorry, Susan. I know she’s on your team. At least she got you a lot of points this week for self-eliminating? 10 points to Sarah as she walks out the door. Byeeeee!

Emily - Team Tapped By A Dildo

Katie - 11
Kristin - ELIMINATED
Serena P. - 37
Rachael - 12
Chelsea 
Abigail 
Mari  
Kit
Lauren  
Marylynn -  2 - ELIMINATED
Serena C. - 2
Alana - ELIMINATED

This Week’s Total: 64
Last Week’s Total: 25
TOTAL: 89

Susan - Team On the Brink of Mental Ruin 

Bri - 2
Sarah - 14
Jessenia 
Khaylah
MJ 
Magi
Kaili
Anna
Pieper
Sydney - ELIMINATED
Victoria - 4
Illeana - ELIMINATED

This Week’s Total: 20
Last Week’s Total: 102
TOTAL: 122

Emily’s team is gaining on Susan’s team, but what will happen when we throw new women into the mix next week? Meet us back here to find out!