Kelli: Hello! This week is Susan’s birthday, Susan’s husband’s birthday, and their anniversary, so she is taking a well-deserved break. I am stepping in to fill her shoes, and let me just say: what a week it is.

Emily: You really picked a doozy of an episode to sub in on, Kelli. But it should give us plenty to discuss. So let’s get to it.

Kelli: The episode opens with Kit and Victoria taking a turn about the grounds and talking shit. The new girls are also taking a turn about the grounds, likely talking about how everyone is talking shit. Things are going great for everyone.

Emily: Meanwhile, my anxiety and desire for order is destroying me on the inside because the last episode ended in the middle of a group date and we never did find out who got the group date rose on that date.

Kelli: Apparently it is now time for the rose ceremony. Sure, why not. I no longer have any concept of where we are in the week, let alone the entire process. For all I know, hometowns could be next week. 

Emily: For real. Since they added a bunch of new girls into the house, I have zero concept of how far we are into this process and how many weeks we have left. I’m just here for the ride, I guess. But you know who’s not just here for the ride? Matt James. He’s been made aware of the toxic environment in the house, and he’s ready to take action and get to the bottom of what’s going on. Matt James, giving everyone big Principal Duvall from Mean Girls vibes, tells the women, “If you have to belittle someone else for you to shine, those aren’t the qualities I’m looking for in my wife.” Matt asks to talk to Brittany first. 

Kelli: Anna immediately realizes that someone has snitched on her, and thus begins her apology tour. Suddenly she feels very regretful about the “mistake” she made with her “dumb comment.” This is the first time I have heard her express any kind of remorse about the fact that she called another woman a sex worker on national television. Maybe she has already expressed remorse and the Bachelor team simply decided to leave it out, but… I have such doubts.

Emily: While Anna is having a mental breakdown—not about saying shitty things about another person, to be clear, but about how this affects her chances with Matt—Brittany tells Matt exactly what went down. And that is that Anna told everyone that she is an escort. Brittany cries (2 points) and says, “It sucks because this is on national TV, and my mom watches this show.”

Kelli: While we’re on the topic of Brittany, I’d just like to say that aside from it being fucked up that Anna was making false and potentially damaging claims about Brittany, it is equally fucked up that the show has not at all acknowledged that sex work SHOULD NOT be stigmatized in this way. Sex work is work. It is legitimate and valuable, and there is no reason why we should be shaming sex workers for the services they provide. Yes, it can seriously damage someone’s reputation to imply/reveal that they are a sex worker, but while the show acknowledges that, it doesn’t acknowledge that the stigma itself is outdated, unreasonable, and outright offensive. Once again, the contestants are forced to step in where ABC refuses to; last Wednesday, Brittany posted a series of Instagram stories reiterating that the claims were false while also voicing her support for sex workers. Thank you, Brittany, and 3 points to you for doing what should be the bare minimum.

Emily: Now that Matt’s gotten the facts from Brittany, he pulls Anna aside to have a chat. Anna says she doesn’t know how to explain it to him…because how do you explain to someone that you’re a bitch, really? Matt is a little more forgiving than I am. He says he gets it and that she’s not a horrible person. Furthermore, Matt knows what it’s like to say things you’re not proud of.

All I can think of us that time JUST LAST WEEK when Matt laughed at his friend’s body-shaming comments. And then, by way of apology, Matt proceeded to body shame his friend. Yes, Matt. You clearly know exactly what it’s like to go through what Anna’s gone through, because you’re kind of a dick IRL. But anyway, he can’t put up with this kind of dickery on the show, so he sends Anna packing. Anna cries, getting Susan’s team 2 points on her way out the door. 

Kelli: Bye, Anna. 

Meanwhile, back on The Couch of Women, Chelsea asks if the other girls feel like there has been a toxic environment in the house—because she doesn’t feel like it’s been toxic. This was disappointing to hear from Chelsea, someone I like a lot and who seems smart enough to realize that Victoria, Anna, and MJ are treating people like shit, but I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was somehow unaware of what was going on. Michelle and Ryan both speak up and say that they’ve felt uncomfortable in the house. I think they both deserve 2 points for putting up with this bullshit.

Emily: When the women see Anna being escorted (pun intended) from the premises, they all realize it’s time to drop the mean girl app or GTFO. Apologies are flying left and right like they’re going out of style. Serena P says she feels sick to her stomach hearing how the girls felt in the house. Kit apologizes too. Victoria… sort of apologizes but she’s also like, “I was just being funny.” Was it funny? Meanwhile, Detective Ryan is like, “Hmm… I don’t know if all of these girls are being totally sincere.” Ding ding ding!

Kelli: In an ITM, Serena C says “I cannot even explain the kiss-assery that is going on,” and I think that’s a pretty accurate way to put it. 

I just have to say that of all the horrible things Victoria has done, watching her rip the crown off of Catalina’s head was maybe the worst. Not only does it exemplify Victoria’s white privilege and entitlement, but it’s also just SO uncomfortable to watch a white woman completely invade the personal space of a woman of color. It felt genuinely violent. So yeah, this “apology” to Catalina comes WAY too late. 

Emily: Next up on the confession couch is Ryan, who tells Matt James that Victoria has been a major instigator. While everyone at the Nemacolin Resort probably has their own personal Victoria horror story, here’s Ryan’s: when Victoria found out Ryan was a dancer, she called Ryan a ho. Charming. Ryan cries about being called a ho for 2 points. 

Kelli: Ryan then does Victoria a favor by warning her that she mentioned Victoria’s name while she was talking to Matt (she also told him about Victoria’s toast to the “OGs”). Victoria, predictably, freaks the fuck out, and then storms off. She goes to talk to Matt, putting on her I’m-Talking-To-Matt persona to admit to him that there are “things she can work on.” 

Emily: I love how Victoria tells Matt that she admires how he’s “handling the situation” as if she weren’t the situation.

Kelli: Matt then utters my favorite line of the episode: “Words are powerful… and when you said that Ryan was a ho…” I don’t know what he said after that because I was laughing so hard that I choked on my wine a little bit.

Emily: My favorite line in Bachelor history happened right after that. Victoria says that her “ho” comment was taken out of context. And Matt James goes, “What context would calling someone a ho be acceptable in?” Comedic gold, and also very true. 

Kelli: Chris tells the women that they will be jumping straight to the rose ceremony, which is hilarious considering this has taken up nearly an hour of the episode already. Victoria spends some time freaking out, first in the bathroom and then outside. “Literally there’s no one here he can marry except me, I’m the best one here, and I’m the only one with a working fucking brain in this room,” she laments to the producers. She cannot fathom a reality in which Matt might send her home. “I’m trying to be positive, but if that happens I’ll literally die.” 2 points for white tears.

Emily: Victoria calls Ryan fake and also says, “Ryan is the shadiest bitch and I hope I don’t go home because of this.” So clearly all pretense of remorse has gone out the window. 

At the rose ceremony, we finally find out who got the group date rose from the last episode. I fucking hate this show sometimes. Anyway, it was Pieper! So 10 points to Pieper for getting this rose. So as a reminder, Michelle, Bri, and Pieper have roses from the dates last week. The ceremony roses go to: Brittany, Ryan, Rachael, Serena P, Magi, Kit, MJ, Jessenia, Katie, Abigail, Chelsea, and lastly Serena C. 

Mari and Lauren from Team Tapped By A Dildo are on their way out the door. And from Team on the Brink of Mental Ruin, we’re losing Catalina and Victoria. 

Kelli: Victoria takes this opportunity to have what she clearly thinks is going to be a “moment.” She waits until everyone else has said their goodbyes and then marches up to Matt. “I honestly feel so sorry for you that you would listen to hearsay and not the actual facts. Bye.” 5 points to Victoria for being the least likable villain to appear on this show since I started watching in 2017.

Emily: As Victoria storms out, we hear her say in a voiceover, “The whole house is going to feel like shit. I brought the house so much joy.” Then, all the girls toast to Victoria being gone. Yes, the producers were having fun with this.

Moving on. The next day, Chris Harrison shows up to let the girls know there are “less girls” now. Ahem. Chris. It’s fewer. There are FEWER girls. 

Kelli: And like… are there? Because it still looks like one hundred girls to me.

Chris brings in the first date card. It’s a one-on-one for Rachael (20 points). We quickly learn that Rachael is getting the classic princess date treatment, and if there is one person who might deserve this type of date less than, say, Victoria… it’s Rachael. Because while Victoria was white privilege personified, Rachael represents a type of racism in our country that is far more insidious, and far more common.

Emily: This link explains a lot of it. Basically, Rachael has been accused of bullying girls in high school for dating Black men. She’s also worn culturally appropriative costumes and attended parties with Antebellum/plantation themes. She’s liked a lot of racist memes on Instagram and Twitter. She’s also probably a Trumper. At the very least, her parents are MAGA AF. I have to say (and no this isn’t a spoiler because it’s just speculation), the fact that Matt James has made it a point to come out in defense of Rachael so strongly gives me serious flashbacks to Becca and Garrett. Meaning Matt probably picks her. 

Kelli: Yeah, it’s going to be a bummer if this is true and Rachael does end up getting a proposal at the end of this. At the same time, I was never expecting Matt “I’ve Never Been In Love” James to find his actual future wife through this process, so… oh well. What’s more troubling is that ABC once again failed to look into their contestants, which you’d think they would have learned to do after what happened with Garrett, as well as with Lee from Rachel Lindsay’s season. 

Also troubling is the fact that Rachael is given a wholly positive edit as a boring but seemingly sweet girl. She seems normal, and that’s the thing about racism in this country. It doesn’t always come with a confederate flag belt buckle and an open use of racial slurs in public. More often, it looks like someone you know.  

Anyway, I feel like spending too much time on the date itself would be giving Rachael more attention than she deserves. The only moment from this boring-ass princess date that I’d like to highlight is the part where Rachael says she’s never owned a pair of shoes that cost more than $40. Rachael is a graphic designer, meaning that while her job is probably not getting her a super high paying salary, I imagine she has probably owned at LEAST one pair of shoes that cost more than $40, considering the only place you can get shoes for cheaper is, like, Target? Or Goodwill — and y’all know just by looking at her that miss Rachael has never touched an item of used clothing. 2 points to Rachael for this bold-faced lie.

Emily: Yeah, I feel like you have to try really hard to find shoes that cost under $40. I don’t know that I have many.

If she’s getting Nike Air Force 1s for less than $40, I need to know that promo code.

ANYHOW. Rachael comes back to the house with bags and bags of clothes and the girls are so jealous. I don’t really have much to say about this either because this is a classic Bachelor producer move, and we’ve seen it a million times. 

Kelli: Chris comes in with the group date card, sealing the fate for all of the women who thought they would have one-on-ones this week (especially Katie and Abigail, who both cry in ITMs for 2 points). The only woman who isn’t on the card is Kit, meaning she’s getting the second one-on-one of the weekend. I can only assume her mother paid ABC for this extra time. 

Emily: I find it fascinating that Kit is getting this 1-on-1 when she was also part of the mean girl clique. But instead of being reprimanded for it like Anna, Victoria, or MJ, she gets extra time with Matt. Are we supposed to suddenly like Kit now? Either way, she gets 20 points for getting the 1-on-1 date. 

Kelli: The night portion of Rachael’s date is just as boring as the day. Rachael and Matt are both wearing cobalt blue and it’s a lot. At dinner, Rachael tells Matt that she has never been in love because of… low self esteem? To which Matt replies, I love how confident you are. These two seem like a perfect fit.

Emily: Yes, I absolutely love it when a man doesn’t pay attention to a word I say. So romantic. What’s extra bananas is what happens next. Rachael tells Matt she’s falling in love with him (10 points) and then… Matt says it back (20 points)! What? Matt, it’s, like, Week 2. FOLLOW THE RULES! Anyway, they make out (2 points). And then of course Matt sends her home. JK he gives her the rose (10 points)!

Kelli: Yeah, is he gonna be saying that to a different woman every week? If so, we’ve got a problem.

It’s time for the group date! Headed to the farm are Serena P, Bri, Katie, Pieper, Serena C, Ryan, Michelle, Brittany, Magi, Abigail, Chelsea, Jessenia, and MJ. The theme of this date is farming. Of all the dates I have seen on this show, this one is the least appealing. Like, if this was my date and Matt James was my lead, I’m pretty sure I would self-eliminate on the spot. 

Emily: So when Matt introduces this date to the group, he explains to them that even though he lives in New York City now, he’s actually from the country. And by “country” he means he’s from Raleigh, NC. The capital of North Carolina. Which is a full ass city. 

Kelli: Yeah, someone needs to tell Matt that the south is not the same thing as “country.”

Most of this date seems to involve performing basic farm tasks: collecting eggs, milking goats, raking… hay? I don’t know, I’m not from “the country.” Nothing interesting happens, but some of the women express annoyance in their ITMs about MJ’s behavior on the date, mostly because she’s being extra. At one point she freaks out about having a chicken near her. Is MJ REALLY afraid of chickens? The girls don’t think so!!!

Emily: Speaking of Matt throwing out the rules and doing whatever the fuck he wants (we were speaking about that earlier, and I’m circling back… keep up), Pieper is in the middle of her ITM interview when Matt sneaks up behind her and starts making out with her (2 points). Which is fine and all, but other girls can clearly see them, and that’s kind of gross. For Michelle, this is her first group date and she’s never had to see Matt act affectionate like this with other girls. She’s freaking out a bit, and she starts crying (2 points). 

Kelli: Finally off the farm, it’s time for the evening portion of the date, AKA the only part I would want to participate in. Matt pulls Chelsea to talk first, and he tells her that he’s really happy she’s here. They make out for 2 points. 

Emily: Next up with some 1-on-1 time is Abigail. You can tell Abigail was really expecting to have a 1-on-1 date at this point, and she’s a little rattled that she hasn’t, especially since she got the first impression rose. She has some really important stuff to talk about with Matt, though, and since she didn’t get to do it on a 1-on-1 date, she’s going to do it now.

Kelli: Abigail sits down with Matt and tells him that she has some things she needs to talk to him about. She tells him that her dad walked out on her family after she and her sister got their cochlear implants. This is, obviously, incredibly fucked up.

Emily: Abigail says, “My biggest fear has become that I’m going to disappoint you. You want a wife and you want a family, but if I were to have a family, there is a really strong possibility that my kids would be deaf… I don’t view my hearing loss as baggage, but when you have one of the most important people in your life leave, it’s hard to open up.”

I found this really difficult to watch, because Abigail was being so vulnerable and honest about something that was clearly so difficult for her to share. And I’m not ashamed to admit I cried. Hell, I tear up even thinking about it now. 5 points to Abigail for this sob story, and 2 more points for openly discussing disability on the show and asserting that she does not see her disability as baggage. 

Kelli: Yeah, this really stuck out to me as one of the more impactful moments of the episode. I really like Abigail a lot, and while I hope she gets more one-on-one time with Matt, I also think she deserves way better than him, lol. Oh, also, they kiss — for 2 more points.

Speaking of kissing, Matt sits down with Michelle, who expresses to him that she’s struggling being in the group after her one-on-one. He reassures her. They make out for 2 points.

Finally, Matt pulls MJ to talk, and things get interesting. Matt tells MJ that in his conversations with the new women, MJ has been brought up as an “antagonist.” I feel like Matt’s word choice here did not help with MJ’s extremely defensive reaction to this. In her ITM, she says she is frustrated and angry and that she deserves an apology because for the other women to say that about her is “not fair.” It’s actually like, pretty fair? But okay.

Emily: After MJ’s talk with Matt, she does what any mature woman would do and goes to confront the other women for tarnishing her good name. Jessenia points out that MJ did keep using the terms “JV and Varsity,” which suggests she thinks she’s better than some of the girls in the house. MJ responds to this by saying, “I lead by example” about 500 times. And I really need someone to explain this one to me. Who is she leading? What is her example? You can’t just SAY WORDS and have them mean things.

Kelli: This is the first in what will become several incredible frustrating exchanges between MJ and Jessenia where Jessenia provides specific examples of MJ’s antagonistic behavior and MJ responds by repeating that her “character was called into question” and that this “isn’t fair.” Katie points out that MJ is deflecting. In response, MJ continues to deflect. Just take the L, girl.

Emily: Meanwhile, Kit and Rachael are just chillin back at the lady lounge, and then the date card arrives. The card says, “Dinner at my place,” and Kit is like, “THAT MIGHT MEAN COOKING.” Her sleuthing skills, I gotta say, are top notch. You can’t get anything past this girl. Anyway, apparently, she’s told Matt before that her happy place is in the kitchen with her mom, so now she’s crying (2 points) because a man actually listened to her words for once. And as we all know, that doesn’t happen every day.

Kelli: Back at the group date, Matt gives the rose to Abigail for 10 points. This was the correct choice. And now it’s time for In The Kitchen With Kit!

Emily: I have to say when this date with Kit and Matt started, I was pretty sure she was going to be sent home. I just don’t see it between them at all. But Matt says things feel so easy and natural with Kit. News to me. The date starts off with baking chocolate chip cookies, and I gotta say these cookies look delicious AF and I want them.

Kelli: I also thought Kit would be going home, because we have not been shown a single moment of connection between them on camera. I feel like there are a lot of “connections” we’re missing out on for the sake of drama, which is a shame, but par for the course. Also par for the course: the sob story portion. Kit and Matt sit down and Kit tells Matt that growing up in the public eye she’s had to put up a lot of walls, and she has not spent a lot of time getting in touch with her emotions until this process. Basically, she grew up rich and famous, and that’s super hard u guys. 

Hot take: I’m actually surprised that I didn’t find this more annoying. I will say that I don’t think she was trying to make her life sound harder than other people’s, and that she was just sharing what her personal experience has been, which is really the only way to “open up” on this show. I’m glad she’s at least willing to acknowledge that she comes from wealth and status, and doesn’t try to downplay that part of her life. She was being honest, and what else can we really expect from her? 5 points for this sob story.

Emily: Matt James tells Kit he wonders what their lives would be like after the show is over, if he were to pick her. In his mind, I’m sure he’s thinking about how with their powers combined, they could get some really sweet Instagram deals. But Kit says, “Tonight,” and Matt is confused because that has nothing to do with Instagram. “No,” he says, “I mean, like, after tonight.” Because he’s an idiot. Reason #5,989 I would never date this man. I don’t have the patience for this. But she explains to him she means that their life would be kind of like tonight, ie. chilling in an expensive kitchen and making cookies and then making out (2 points). She tells Matt she’s falling in love with him (10 points), and he’s like, “Aw shucks.” But he gives her the rose (10 points).

Kelli: Yes, notable that he does not return the ‘falling in love’ comment like he did with Rachael. The differences between Matt’s behavior on these two one-on-ones were pretty glaring, but he does not want to send anyone home ever (unless they call another woman an escort or a ho).

Back at the house, we find out that there will be a SURPRISE TWO-ON-ONE. Matt asks Jessenia and MJ to meet him in advance of the cocktail party so that he can try to use his detective skills to figure out wtf is going on. I have to say, this is giving me big The Colton Method vibes, which you may remember from Colton’s season. The Colton Method: 1) Ask one woman about another woman. 2) Ask the other woman about the first woman. 3) Bring the women together, tell them what they said about each other, and see what happens.

Jessenia and MJ take an awkward ride in an SUV which will carry them, what, 10 yards away? In an ITM, MJ says that she’s ready to fight, and that she’s bringing “Big Hoops, Big Hair, Big Energy,” which she clearly is hoping to have patented as her tagline. What exactly is Big Energy, though? 

Emily: This is dumb as hell. As they wait for Matt to arrive, MJ’s like “You should be embarrassed because we’re here because of your actions.” Jessenia’s like, “we’re here because you started JV vs Varsity.” MJ keeps interrupting Jessenia and then yelling at her for talking over her. I cannot with this bitch. I’m sure Jessenia feels frustrated in this moment, but she’s maintaining her composure.

Kelli: Yeah, we haven’t seen that much of Jessenia before this episode but I was absolutely loving her this week. She is extremely composed in the way a person can only be when they know they are right. Jessenia tells MJ that she sees three sides to her: the person she is in the house, the person she is with Matt, and the person she is in front of the camera. MJ continues to interrupt Jessenia to claim that Jessenia is interrupting her, but Jessenia soldiers on. “You’ll find out the truth when this airs, and so will he.” 3 points to Jessenia for eviscerating MJ against all odds. 

It’s honestly thrilling to think about MJ watching her edit back and hopefully coming to her senses when she sees how terribly she behaved.... I guess we’ll find out if she learned any lessons at the Women Tell All, which might be sometime in March but also might be tomorrow?

Emily: I guess we’ll see what happens next week. And now for the scores!

Emily - Team Tapped By A Dildo

Katie - 2
Serena P.
Rachael - 64
Chelsea - 2
Abigail - 21
Mari  - ELIMINATED
Kit - 49
Lauren  - ELIMINATED
Serena C. -
Brittany - 5
Ryan - 4

This Week’s Total: 145
Last Week’s Total: 126
TOTAL: 271

Susan - Team On the Brink of Mental Ruin 

Bri -
Sarah
Jessenia - 3
MJ 
Magi -
Anna - 2 (ELIMINATED)
Pieper - 12
Victoria - 7 (ELIMINATED)
Michelle - 6
Catalina - ELIMINATED

This Week’s Total: 30
Last Week’s Total: 142
TOTAL: 172

Susan’s going to come back to a rude awakening next week. Team Tapped By A Dildo has pulled off a formidable lead this week! Can Team on the Brink of Ruin catch up?