Susan: Once again, before we get into the recap, we must address the updated foolery going on in Bachelor Nation. In the time since last week’s recap, Chris Harrison issued a statement announcing that he will be “stepping aside for a period of time.” From what we can tell, this means he won’t be hosting this season’s After the Final Rose special, but it’s unclear what it means after this season. It appears his Instagram account has since been deactivated or deleted. Here is his full statement:

Emily: I have some thoughts about this. First of all, the apology seems to do little good if you just leave it at that and don’t do any other work or reflection. I genuinely don’t believe Chris Harrison is sorry about what he said, based on what I’ve heard from Rachel Lindsay and others who have spoken on this subject. If you haven’t listened to Rachel Lindsay’s podcast Higher Learning, she got into her thoughts there, and I highly recommend you listen! But anyway, I think, once again, as a person who is white, his apology and Rachael’s apology are not mine to accept or reject. That being said, Chris Harrison should absolutely step down from The Bachelor and/or be fired. It was really difficult having to watch him this week, and I can only imagine how it felt for the people of color who watch this show. If any of them are still watching. If you’re not watching anymore, we don’t blame you. 

Susan: I second the recommendation to listen to this episode of Higher Learning. I agree that him stepping down is the right thing to do, and not just for the remainder of this season. Many current and former contestants have said the same thing too. Do I think that’s what will happen? No, probably not. If there’s one thing this franchise is great at, it’s shirking responsibility for the actions of its participants. Time will tell. 

On to the show. Speaking of white people doing dumb things, Heather is still here. She tells Matt that Hannah Brown said they’d be good together, so she booked a red eye because she had to see for herself...six weeks into filming. The timeline is suspect at best.

Emily: Yeah, I don’t really know how anyone thought this was going to be anything this close to hometowns. Can you imagine Matt giving her a rose this week and then meeting her family next week? Like… what? 

Susan: The other women are pissed, but Pieper is the most upset. She cries for 2 points. Heather sheepishly greets the couch full of women, and they are not having it. Jessenia is like “You’re late” and asks if Heather is really ready to get engaged to Matt in a couple weeks because apparently, all 10 of these women totally are. 

Emily: I was a little surprised at Jessenia for being so angry with Heather and nasty to her after she was just getting on to MJ about doing the same thing last week. I understand being pissed, but be pissed at production for bringing her in this late. Don’t be mean to Heather, who is just really making a fool of herself at this point. And, like, I really really don’t want to feel sorry for Heather, because I am not a Heather fan. But all of these girls are being so mean that I’m almost sorry for Heather. Especially because we know there’s absolutely no way this is going to work out for her. Also Rachael says, “If Matt wants her here then it’s over,” which kind of made me wish Matt would keep Heather, just so we could be rid of Rachael. But this was not to be.

Susan: Jessenia and Kit in particular disappointed me here. Kit has grown on me a little, but “Bitch, what are you doing here?” was something I didn’t expect from her. Serena C calls Heather a virus, and it’s too soon for virus jokes, girl!

Emily: I also want to note that Kit says, “I couldn’t care less,” which is the CORRECT way to say this phrase. Take note, Zac from last season. 2 points to Kit for being a grammatically correct queen.

Susan: I knew you’d love that moment. Matt does what we all knew he would do: tells Heather it’s too late. But he does commend her for being bold and for renting a minivan. I love that we’re still pretending she rented a minivan herself, but she does drive away in it instead of being chauffeured in a limo. Heather cries a good bit during her 15 minutes at Nemacolin, but she’s on no one’s team because this whole thing is a charade. No points for you, Heather.

Emily: Matt comes back in and says there’s no one joining this journey who isn’t on this couch

He apologizes to everyone, especially Pieper, and then asks to speak with her some more.

Susan: The women are like “omg that was so hot.” The bar is truly so low. He takes Pieper aside to finish their conversation, apologizes more, and makes out with her. 2 points for Pieper.

Emily: Rose ceremony time! Roses go to Bri, Rachael, Serena P, Kit, Jessenia, and Abigail. I’m certain at this point that Abigail is being messed with by production. That’s the only way to explain her not getting a one-on-one yet and also getting called last this week. Anyway, Chelsea and Serena C. are going home. 

Susan: Of the eight remaining women, Jessenia and Abigail are the only ones who haven’t gotten a one-on-one date. When the card arrives, it’s for Serena P: “Can our love go deeper?” Ew. But 20 points to Serena P.

Emily: Abigail is really upset that she didn’t get the one-on-one, which makes sense. I would be upset too if I got so much validation at the beginning of the season with a first impression rose, and then… nothing. But it’s Serena getting the date. And she’s the only Serena left, so we can just call her Serena now, I guess? She starts the date with a well-executed run-and-jump for 5 points. They’re going on a tantric yoga date, which is always awkward, but Matt James is really into it because he is super horny. Serena, however, HATES it. She’s not into affection. She says, “I was in my head the whole time just waiting for it to be over.”

Susan: When they sit down to have champagne after, Serena says “That was a first and last for me.” Hahaha. I like that she just straight up told him she hated this date instead of being like “Mmmm, I love this” in classic Bachelor fashion. She toasts to “never doing tantric yoga again.” 2 points for a great toast. 

Emily: Matt James is just SO happy Serena didn’t lie to him about the date, even though he loved it and she hated it. Did you know she hated the date? And that Matt appreciated that she told him she hated the date? If not, you will. Because that’s literally all they talk about for the rest of the night. Strap in.

Meanwhile, back at the other part of the Nemacolin hotel, the ladies wait patiently to see who WON’T be on the next date card. The group date is gonna be: Pieper, Michelle, Rachael, Bri, Kit, and Abigail. The date card says, “Love will always find a way.” So Jessenia’s getting the final 1-on-1, meaning Abigail is the only girl who hasn’t had a 1-on-1. 

Susan: This is the nail in Abigail’s Bachelor coffin. If you haven’t gotten a one-on-one by hometowns, you’re done. 

Matt and Serena’s dinner is painfully boring because they talk about nothing. And I really mean nothing. He just keeps telling her how much he likes that she was honest with him about hating tantric yoga. And she’s just like, yeah I mean I definitely hated it. She does not like this man. But she does get the rose (10 points) and they kiss (2 points). They ice skate together and production blows fake snow onto them. We couldn’t get Tayshia’s men sweat towels, but here we’re manufacturing Hallmark movie scenes. 

Emily: We go straight from this to the evening portion of the date the next night. Because fuck consistency. Who cares that the date card said “Love will find a way” and that doesn’t mean anything if we only get the evening part of the date? We don’t care about date cards anymore. Don’t think about it too much. 

Susan: Matt has more chemistry with his Peloton than with any of these women. Also, are we really cutting the day portion of the date AGAIN? The day portion of this date did happen. There were press photos of it, which included some one-on-one time with Bri and Matt in a hot tub. Can anyone explain to me why I had to watch 15 minutes of manufactured Heather drama instead of seeing, you know, the thing we’re here to see? Anyway, what’s going on in the evening, Emily?

Emily: Well, this is the last ditch effort for all of these ladies to tell Matt James some serious stuff so that Matt can pretend their relationship is deep. Bri’s going to give it a go first, because she has something really important to tell Matt. Bri says with great love comes great sacrifices. And yeah, she thinks it’s time to share that with him. Her sacrifice? Quitting her dream job to be on this show.

Susan: I think we can all agree that Bri made the wrong decision. This man ain’t it. But she does get 2 points for crying and 2 points for kissing him. Pieper tells Matt she’s falling in love with him (10 points). Michelle says she’s 100% committed to Matt, and they make out (2 points).

Emily: Now it’s time for Abigail, and she is understandably feeling uneasy about her connection with Matt. She tells him she knows she’s the only person who hasn’t gone on a one-on-one, and she just wants to check in with him to see how he’s feeling about their connection. She says, “This week has been really hard…. I think from the beginning all I’ve wanted is more time with you… I think we’ve had really good conversations, and I’ve opened up to you about some of my biggest insecurities, and it’s just made me feel really good…I’m just really excited about you…I can see the possibility of a future with you. I just want to know can you see that possibility with me? I guess I’d rather know now.” 

Matt, in the most fuckboy move ever witnessed on this show (and yes, I’m including Juan Pablo’s season), tells Abigail, “From night one, our first conversation, I was instantly drawn to you…It was a no brainer that I’d give you the first impression rose. I felt so comfortable in our relationship that I explored other relationships. And in exploring relationships with other women, I did grow stronger feelings with them…The last thing I want to do is lead you on and lie to you. You deserve someone who’s going to put you first.” He sends her home. 

Susan: I’ll miss Abigail. After she leaves, Matt pulls Rachael aside. She’s afraid she won’t end up with him, but he reassures her that he’s always thinking about her, and they kiss (2 points). Kit tells Matt there are some things in her life plan she won’t compromise on, and she needs a cheerleader who will allow her to grow in her own life. She says she won’t be ready to get married and have kids as soon as the other women might because she doesn’t want to have them till she’s 25. Twenty. Five. As she puts it: “I’m a long-term investment.” Matt doesn’t care at all because it’s pretty clear he’s not gonna be ready to get married for a solid five more years anyway. They kiss for 2 points. 

Emily: I just want to let Kit know that 25 seems old when you’re 21, but it comes faster than you think, and you’re probably still not going to be ready to have kids at 25. If I had to guess. 

Anyhow, after this conversation Kit is feeling very confident that she’s going to get the group date rose because Matt James said he would wait for her and allow her to pursue her dreams. Yeah ok. No. It goes to Rachael, obviously, for 10 points. Then Matt tells everyone that he has something special planned for the rest of the evening. All of their faces light up. But then he says, “So Rachael and I are going to leave.” L O L. Savage. They’re getting a private concert (5 points for Rachael) from some musical act that is apparently actually famous, but I’ve never heard this song before. 

Susan: Because this season loves misery, we get to watch the other women crying in between cuts of Matt and Rachael slow dancing. After this, Kit comes to Matt’s place because her first attempt to get Matt to dump her didn’t work, so now she has to do the dirty work herself. 

Emily: Kit tells Matt, “After our 1-on-1, I said that I could see myself falling in love with you. And I never thought I could let my guard down as much as I have with you and in such a short time. I thought I would have the clarity I needed going into hometowns. But hometowns isn’t a figure it out sort of situation. It’s a rest of your life situation.” Because apparently no one takes their boyfriend to meet their parents unless marriage is in the cards.

Matt is still not ready to let Kit go. He says, “I like you a lot and I want you here.” She says, “You saying that makes this even harder for me, but I am unwavering in this, because I know what you deserve and I know it’s the right thing for both of us.” Matt walks her out with his arms wrapped around her the whole way, which is a weird move, especially since she just dumped him. But here we are. Kit has self-eliminated for 10 points. 

Susan: Every. single. season. there is a doomed one-on-one date right before hometowns. We all know Jessenia is about to join the club that Hannah Brown, Natasha Parker, Mike Johnson and Blake Moynes are in, to name a few. But before we get to the inevitable, let’s give her the 20 points she deserves. Jessenia and Matt ride around with a “Professional Drifter” and make out (2 points) horizontally (1 point) on the hood of a car. She says dreamily, ‘If this is a glimpse of what life with Matt could be like....” I have news: it is not.

Emily: At dinner, Jessenia is all wrapped up in the moment, and she tells Matt she’s falling in love with him (10 points). Matt thanks her for sharing that, which is always what you want to hear after professing your love to someone. Then Matt picks up the rose, and I’m wondering why he’s such an asshole. Please for the love of all that is holy, don’t pick up a rose unless you’re giving that rose out. What is wrong with you? So yeah, Jessenia doesn’t get the rose. I hate Matt. 

Susan: We’re rolling right into a rose ceremony. Five women are left (holy shit, a lot of people went home this episode), and we’ve gotta get to four for hometowns. Serena and Rachael are already in, and Rachael wore the worst dress in her suitcase tonight because it doesn’t matter anymore. The remaining roses go to Bri and Michelle, meaning that Pieper is going home. Matt walks her out and says he’s sorry, and she just leaps into the limo and says nothing at all. 2 points for this silent treatment exit. 

Emily: There you have it. We have our final four. The stakes seem so low, honestly, because I seriously doubt Matt will have a long term relationship with any of these women. But sure, let’s see how this all pans out.

Emily - Team Tapped By A Dildo

Serena P. - 39
Rachael - 17
Chelsea - ELIMINATED
Abigail - 2 - ELIMINATED
Kit - 14 - ELIMINATED
Serena C. - 2 - ELIMINATED

This Week’s Total: 74
Last Week’s Total: 329
TOTAL: 403

Susan - Team On the Brink of Mental Ruin 

Bri - 4
Michelle - 2
Jessenia - 33 - ELIMINATED
Pieper - 16 - ELIMINATED

This Week’s Total: 55
Last Week’s Total: 280
TOTAL: 335

Emily’s team is still ahead, and both teams now have two contestants left. Whose family will love Matt James? Come back next week to find out!

Oh, and also: