Kelli: Hello everyone, and welcome to our first official week of competition: it’s Team Daisy is My Yoshi vs. Team Throw it in the Fire! I’m just going to go ahead and spoil it for you now: things do not go well for me this week. 

Emily: Well, as they say on Love Island, it’s still early days. 

Kelli: This week’s cold open featured a disgruntled Lauren and the cake she takes it out on. While I like the concept of the cold open, I don’t think they should be taking the best or most dramatic moment of the episode and letting almost the entire thing play out. It kind of ruins the fun when the thing happens later, like when a comedy trailer gives away all of the best jokes in the movie. So, in the spirit of saving it for later, I’ma save it for later.

Emily: I’m going to respectfully disagree here. I like it way more than the full recap that we traditionally get at the beginning of each Bachelor episode. Normally, they essentially spoil the WHOLE episode rather than just one thing that happens later. I would rather anticipate one upcoming thing rather than knowing every single beat of what’s going to happen for the whole episode. So from me, thank you ABC, for the cold opens. I don’t need you to spell out every moment that’s about to happen before the show even starts. 

Kelli: Why can’t we just start the episode without any preview at all? I’m already seated. Sigh.

Emily: So anyway, we get into the action of the episode starting with a little tennis game between Jesse and Joey. Joey is coaching Jesse and Jesse’s like omg if you boyfriend as well as you teach tennis, you’re going to get laid a lot. 

Kelli: Very cute. Jesse has grown on me so much as a host.

Emily: Next, we cut to the girls running into the Bachelor mansion. Ben was like “Look at all those loose jeans.” Gen Z has officially taken over the franchise. 

Kelli: Funnily enough, the first time I really noticed that was during Clayton’s season during Rachel’s intro package. I remember thinking, ‘wow, those jeans are so tiktok.’ And now she’s one of the “older” women in the franchise.

Emily: Jesse shows up with a date card and asks the girls how much they’re obsessed with Joey. These women have been sleep deprived and mentally tortured, so yes, they are all now brainwashed to believe Joey is their only hope. Already.

Jesse turns to Lea and says, “Lea you threw our gift in the fire because you think you’re better than us.” Or that was the emotional truth behind what he said, anyway. Lea says this isn’t a game to her. But now she does wonder if she’ll get her time with Joey. 

Kelli: I think it’s worth noting that Lea doesn’t get a date at all this week, which is clearly the producers punishing her for her choice to forgo their twisted little game. It’s giving Jigsaw.

Emily: Rookie mistake, Lea. It seemed so smart last week, but don’t fuck with the Bachelor producers. Going on this first date is: Rachel, Taylor, Kelsey T, Lexi, Evelyn, Erika, Maria, Lauren, and Jess. The date card says, “Here comes the bride.” They really sent the messiest bitches on this bride date. 

Kelli: When the women learn they have to compete for wedding dresses, all hell breaks loose. Rachel is knocked to the ground in the scuffle and I think we can give her 2 points. The women load into a limousine in their finery and start talking to the “bridecam” (AKA selfie stick contraption) about their hopes and dreams for their wedding day (?). 

Emily: I was unsure if this was the women’s selfie stick or if it was Maria’s selfie stick, because Maria is really the main one hogging the limelight here. She says thinking about her wedding day is really making her miss her dad. Lauren is like, “WELL MY DAD IS DEAD, SOOO…” Talk about a mood killer.

Sidenote: I get really confused when people on this show talk about how much they miss their parents. Like, do they live with their parents? At this point, it’s been, what, a week at most? Do they normally see their parents every day? I’m so confused and cannot relate. 

Kelli: Well, a lot of them are like 21 and went to high school during COVID so yeah, they probably do live with their parents.

Emily: That being said, Lauren is allowed to say she misses her dad because, well, he is dead.  

Kelli: Lauren cries a few times during the episode, so I’m going to go ahead and give her 2 points now. If you’ve followed BSG recaps, you know contestants only get crying points once per episode, no matter how many tears are shed!!!

Emily: Yes, nice try, Lauren, but you cannot save Kelli’s team with tears and tears alone. 

Kelli: Rude.

Emily: Onto the date! Joey tells the ladies that they’re all going to pretend that they’re sister wives and they all just got married to Joey. Now, they’ll go to their wedding reception and talk to a bunch of strangers and do wedding reception things like dance and eat cake. I have to say, I much prefer this to a wedding photo shoot. This was way more fun. 

Kelli: Me too. Also, the photos that they did show from this reception looked so much better than the actual wedding photoshoot photos usually do. I swear, on Golden Bachelor those photos looked like they were taken on a digital camera from 2008.

Emily: Jesse introduces the group to the wedding reception guests by saying, “Introducing Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. and Mrs. Joey Graziadei!” I know it’s a joke, but I hate this so much. Can we please stop introducing women as Mrs. Husband’s Name? We don’t lose our identity just because we got married. Please kill this.

Kelli: True. I did like the nine little brides on the cake though.

The date officially begins with musical chairs, which is played Last Supper style (chairs on one side of the table). Whoever gets the chairs on either side of Joey gets to sit next to him for the entire reception. In a feat of chaotic athleticism, Evalin literally jumps over the table when the music stops to try and get into the seat. She does not win the challenge (she lands on top of Lauren), but we’ll give her 3 points for the effort.

Emily: I was so proud of Evalin at this moment. That’s my girl! 

A random note from this wedding reception date: they cut from the TOP OF THE WEDDING CAKE which is NOT HOW THAT WORKS. You’re supposed to cut from the bottom and leave the top layer for your first anniversary. This marriage is never going to last.

Kelli: Well the top layer isn’t really big enough to share with 9 people a year from now, is it?

We get to see a lot of the little moments between Joey and the various women on this date, many of which were cute. The concept may be bizarre but in practice it seems like Joey was actually able to spend time with the women and get to know them a bit. Except for Lauren, of course. She is in a bad mood, and confides in Maria, who comforts her and deserves 2 points for friendship. 

Emily: Lauren is crying just a nonstop stream of tears. Honestly, I get it. Weddings are really triggering when you’ve lost a family member (especially when it’s so recent). Lauren is chaotic, sure, but I totally understand why she’s upset.

Joey and Jess bond over both being left-handed and share a kiss (2 points). Taylor (who?) can’t stop talking about how annoying Jess is. 

Kelli: There’s a tiktok going around about how Taylor was apparently a bully in high school (with comments on the tiktok attesting to the claim). There’s no proof, obviously, but do we need it?

Emily: At the end of the wedding reception, there can only be one TRUE BRIDE, and that award goes to… RACHEL! 5 points to Rachel (and 2 points for the kissing). YOU GO RACHEL! As a reward, the two get a first dance together and are serenaded by Michael Bolton. Michael Bolton? Yes, Michael Bolton. Not gonna lie. I was singing along to “When A Man Loves A Woman,” but the only lyrics I know are “when a man loves a woman,” so I was just shouting that part really loud and then mumbling the rest. I know there were other people there, but I feel like this should count as a private concert, especially since it was MICHAEL FUCKING BOLTON, so 5 points. 

Kelli: How much do you think they paid Michael Bolton?

Emily: I have no concept of how money works, so I’m going to say somewhere between $5 and $5 billion.

Kelli: It’s time for the after party! Maria pulls Joey first. He says he doesn’t know what it is, but something about her draws him in. It might be the corset-style titties-out mini dress, but it might also be her sparkling personality. 

Emily: I thought this dress was super sexy, but Maria tells Joey she’s having trouble breathing in it, so she’s going to slip into something more comfortable. This bitch brought OUTFIT CHANGES on the date like she’s a pop star at a Vegas show. I was a little surprised we didn’t get a video montage of Maria set to a sexy electronic beat while we waited for her to come out in her new costume. 

When Maria comes out, she’s wearing a bra and a skirt, which is maybe more comfortable, but… confusing? I was befumbled by this choice, and it seemed like Joey was too. 

Kelli: In Maria’s defense, corsets are uncomfortable! Bras are also uncomfortable IMO, but hey, Maria’s on my team. I want to give her 2 points for the audacity. The other women are shook, and I would be too if I was in the presence of such unapologetic hoetry (and I mean that in the most complimentary way possible).

Emily: I love that Lauren was just straight up like, “Why did you change though?” 2 points to Lauren for asking what we were all thinking.

Next up, Joey kisses Kelsey T. That’s all there is to say about that. Kelsey T gets 2 points. 

Kelli: At some point over the course of the date, Jess became aware that people (Taylor) were talking shit about her. She goes to sit by the fire wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket and implies that the gossip is reminding her of things that happened in her past relationship.

Emily: Jess says she can’t believe everyone didn’t cheer her on while she was kissing Joey. It was very triggering for her and reminded her about how she lost herself in past relationships and her boyfriend was unfaithful to her. I guess this is a sob story? 5 points. And 2 points for crying. 

Kelli: I… don’t understand the connection here. Mostly it seemed like she wanted to get her sob story in and take a swing for the group date rose. Unfortunately, Joey is a simple man, and this works on him.

Emily: I also had a really hard time following this, but Joey seems to know what she means. They kiss. 

Joey says there’s only person he hasn’t talked to yet and that’s Lauren. But let’s be real, we all know he doesn’t actually like Lauren, and if he had wanted to make time for her, he would have. Like, if it had been Jess crying at the wedding reception, for instance, he would have sought her out.

But Joey finally finds time for third tier girl Lauren. Lauren tells Joey she didn’t talk to him because she didn’t want to project her feelings onto him. She tells Joey today has been hard, putting on a wedding dress and being at that venue.

Kelli: I just want to share that I was watching this with Ang (my girlfriend), who says that this strikes her as Lauren wanting to get to the dead dad sob story before her sister can. I find this to be a DEEPLY UNGENEROUS TAKE, but Ang has a younger sister and I don’t, so I suppose she’s the expert here.

Emily: Well, as I said earlier, I do think weddings can be very triggering if you’ve recently lost someone, so I don’t doubt that her feelings are real. But Lauren also seems messy af, so I wouldn’t put it past her.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because ultimately Jess gets the group date rose (10 points). Suck it, Taylor.

Kelli: Back at the mansion, we find out that Daisy unsurprisingly gets the first one-on-one date (20 points, and the beginning of the end for me). She takes this opportunity to share with the other women that she has a cochlear implant, which is a smart time to do so strategically because now they can’t be mad at her for getting the date. But also, she points out that this is the first time she’s going to have a conversation like this with someone she’s dating, because the only person she’s dated since getting her implant was someone she knew beforehand.

Emily: Apparently, Daisy had a really difficult time on the first night with all the ladies because there were so many people talking and so many noises. It was very overwhelming at first, but when she talked to Joey, she got excited.

So, of course, production (being evil) threw a lot of auditory challenges at Daisy right away on this date. A helicopter comes to pick them up, and Daisy is really worried she’s not going to be able to hear Joey. Thankfully, she can, but they’re clearly trying to stress her out.

The helicopter takes the two lovebirds to a country music concert called “Beach Life Ranch” which sounds awful. And especially awful for Daisy because, yeah, you can assume there are lots of loud noises here. 

Kelli: This is an obvious promotion and I can’t help but wonder if they’re trying to make Beach Life Ranch into the next Stagecoach. If that’s the goal, they’re going to need to workshop the name. 

Emily: Of course, these two kiss a whole bunch (2 points). And then they go watch a band called the Bahamas. I have no idea who they are. It would be a nightmare enough to have to watch this band live, but Joey and Daisy also have to dance to this band in front of an audience. This doesn’t really count as a private concert, but 2 points for having to dance in front of people.

Kelli: Eventually we get to the night portion of the date, which is when things always get serious. It’s time for Daisy to share her story with Joey, which I hesitate to call a sob story because being part of the Deaf community is not ultimately a bad thing. But obviously she’ll get the 5 points.

Emily: I think the sob story part is more that she was sick for so long and had to endure a lot of pain and wondering if she would ever feel better. Daisy explains that when she was 11, she started getting stroke-like seizures, and whenever she got sick, she got really sick. Then when she was 17, she started losing her hearing. Her hearing just kept getting worse and worse, and she kept getting sicker. Finally, they found out Daisy had Lyme disease, and she was sent to a treatment center in Germany for 30 days.

Kelli: Joey responds to this in a very sweet and honest way. He asks her if she’s feeling better now physically, and she says yes. She asks if he noticed her implant and he says no, he was too busy looking into her eyes. I believe him, because if there’s one thing about Joey, it’s that he is freakishly good at eye contact. She tells him that when she first got the implant, everyone sounded like a chipmunk. Joey, of course, needs to know if he sounds like a chipmunk right now. She says no.

Emily: Daisy tells Joey about her nonprofit, "Hear Your Heart," which supports children with autoimmune disorders and/or hearing loss. Joey isn’t a complete idiot, and so he gives Daisy the rose (10 points). 

Kelli: For some reason, they don’t bother to show the next group date card at the mansion, and we jump right into some footage of Joey showing off his Roman sculpture of a body while he flips tires over and performs other strong man tasks. I think everyone but Lea is on this date, though I can’t be sure because I don’t know who half of these women are yet and they didn’t give me the list.

Emily: Demi and Jubliee are here. I guess they’re going to do some military drills. The whole date set-up was very confusing, and it seems like they just got tired of editing at this point, so they just threw this thing at viewers and were like, “You figure it out.”

Kelli: I’m confused as to why they bothered bringing in Demi and Jubilee for this when neither of them really got any screen time and this date doesn’t seem particularly relevant to either of their personalities, but whatever. 

Emily: So I understand why Jubliee is there, because she used to be in the military, so it’s on theme for her. But Demi is a mystery. Did they bring her on because she’s queer? Unsure. 

Kelli: Oh, I did not know that about Jubilee. I need to brush up on my history. As for Demi, gay people famously love the military.

After they’re forced through a ton of horrible training exercises (I would genuinely be so upset if I got this date), we learn that the women are going to be competing as teams for time with Joey tonight in a game called… what is this game called? 

Emily: It’s the throw paint everywhere game. While you protect your flag. There’s a Blue Team and a Pink Team.

Kelli: The game seems to be some sort of hybrid between capture the flag and paintball, but I’m confused, because getting paint shot at you does not seem to have any effect on your score. One might think that you would be out for the round as soon as someone from the other team shoots you with paint, but no. Nothing happens. It’s just for color, I guess.

Emily: I don’t really know the rules, so I’m unsure how well either team did, but I guess Blue Team wins! But the twist is that only ONE person on the Blue Team will get to spend the evening with Joey.

They send everyone back home to get dressed up for the evening portion of the date that they may or may not get to go on. Ultimately the winner is… Edwina (5 points for winning the challenge). Edwina says, “Well, I’m happy.” Which I appreciated. She should be happy. But, wow, they really put everyone else in a weird position, and I can understand why they were bummed.

Kelli: I always hate these competition dates because they're just designed to make as many people feel like shit as possible. This was a new twist, though. 

Edwina and Joey basically have a one-on-one for the night portion, which is the perfect opportunity for another sob story (5 points). Edwina tells Joey that she's from Liberia, and as the oldest daughter in an African family she's had to be a caretaker from a young age. She says it's put a lot of pressure on her which she has carried into adulthood. As she tells him this, she cries (2 points), and Joey sweetly wipes away her tears, which is quickly becoming a Thing that he does, but I love it. He obviously gives Edwina the group date rose for another 10 points.

Emily: I was concerned Joey wasn’t going to kiss her because I’m not sure I really see any chemistry between these two. But they do kiss as well, so 2 points for that as well. 

Kelli: Back at the mansion, it's time for the dumbest part of the episode! The women are talking about their feelings, and Madina expresses that she feels insecure about being the oldest person in the cast at this point (an ancient 31). She says she has less time than other people here, and then immediately says that she wishes she hadn't said that aloud. I'm going to assume we just witnessed an “Oh shit, there are cameras here and the producers are going to make this a thing” realization in real time. She's right! Let's give her 2 points for being a pawn.

Emily: Maria (and I’m sure some of the other girls) were a little put off by Madina saying that, at 31, she “doesn’t have much time” and that women in their 30s are crumbling into rubble before our very eyes. Maria tells a few of the gals that Madina should just own being 31 and it’s not that old. Which apparently is “talking shit,” according to Sydney, who overhears this. Sydney says that Madina is, like, her best friend ever, and she won’t tolerate anyone being mean to her.

Kelli: This is already so stupid, but don't worry. It's going to get stupider.

Before the cocktail party, Lauren expresses that she is “a little anxsh,” and unlike “smoochie poo,” this is terminology I can get onboard with. 2 points for saying something that I am going to work into my vocabulary.

Emily: The first person Joey sees at the cocktail party is Lexi, who says she’s a talented artist. She makes him a painting. It is bad. This was all a joke. It was a cute bit. And Joey thought so too, because they make out (2 points). 

Kelli: Next, Kelsey A tells Joey about the tattoo of four lines that she got to represent her siblings, and they kiss for 2 points. Katelyn talks about playing the French horn in band (hey, me too!) and Joey mixes up the scores of Star Trek and Star Wars, for which he is cutely embarrassed. Did Katelyn get a kiss here? If so, I missed it.

Emily: I missed it too. Do better, Katelyn.

Kelli: Maria, now aware of the “situation” (yes, the one Sydney managed to invent out of thin air), goes to nip it in the bud by talking to Madina. Unfortunately, this conversation is very awkward, because producers sent Maria to talk to Madina while Madina was setting up something for her time with Joey. Maria tries to express what she actually meant, but she mostly comes off as defensive, and thus Madina is defensive in response, telling Maria that there's “more to the story” that she's going to share with Joey tonight. Will we see what she means by that? Of course not! Why would we want context?

Emily: Maria says this is the dumbest argument in Bachelor history, and she might be right. She goes to talk to Sydney about this, and Sydney calls her annoying. This is clearly going somewhere productive. 

Kelli: I think it was really perceptive of Maria to realize that Madina is not the person to be frustrated with in this situation. Maria didn't do anything wrong, and neither did Madina. Sydney is the shit stirrer here, and like all people on this show who stir shit and plan to take it to the lead because they don't have any chance at connecting on a genuine level, she is not going to last very long. She can have 2 points for stirring the pot, but NOT for friendship, because someone who was actually friends with Madina would not add to her insecurity by doing something like this.

Emily: Yeah, Sydney is definitely the one being a bad friend here. She is the one saying hurtful things to Madina and twisted Maria’s words to make them more hurtful than they actually were. In fact, I’m pretty sure all Maria said was that Madina was really hot and 31 is a great age to be. Really mean stuff there. 

While all of this is happening, Joey is still just oblivious, just trying to get to know some girls. He talks to Evalin, who gives him a denim jacket and then… starts to cry? Why was she crying? I don’t quite understand, but I will take the 2 points. 

Kelli: Lauren, meanwhile, has become more and more anxsh over the course of the evening. She wants to have some alone time with Joey where she “isn’t crying” because her vibe has been off for the whole week, but she hasn’t had a chance to talk to him. We of course see Allison getting her time with Joey while Lauren tells us this. Lauren is right in the middle of her ITM when Joey comes out of nowhere and is like ‘hey, I came over to check on you,’ something he definitely decided to do and not something the producers instructed him to do. 

Pretty much the first thing Lauren tells Joey is “I’m leaving,” which came as a surprise to me, because I didn’t realize she was actually considering self-elimination this whole time. Joey also seems taken aback by this information, but not particularly upset about it, because as we’ve already established, he’s not into her. Lauren says she’s in a bad mood now and doesn’t even really want to have a conversation, but they sit down. He tells her he’s sorry the experience has been so difficult for her and that they couldn’t meet in another situation, as if that would have made a difference. A for effort, Joey!

Emily: We also find out that Lauren has been waiting for production to bring her a red velvet cake all night. But we all know how cakes fare on The Bachelor. They bring over a cake, but it’s not red velvet, and Lauren gets pissed and smashes it. I’m unsure why producers think cake smashing is the kind of TV we’re all desperate to watch, but it keeps happening. I, for one, hate to see it.

Before Lauren leaves, she tells Joey that maybe she’ll see him at hometowns. 

Kelli: Also, why was she getting a cake in the first place? Unclear. Implying that he might have to awkwardly see her again at Allison’s hometown is hilarious, though.

Self-elimination gets 10 points. Thank you, Lauren, for being pretty much the only person to get me any points during this episode. In an ITM, Allison also gets 2 points for crying because she doesn’t know how she’s going to do this without Lauren, which is… weird, obviously.

Emily: And with that, it’s time for the rose ceremony! Joey calls out: Rachel, Lexi, Kelsey A, Kelsey T, Jenn, Evalin, Autumn, Madina, Lea, Kaitlyn, Chrissa, Maria, Starr, Allison, and… Sydney. That means Erika, Taylor, and Trump Lady are going home. I can’t tell you how pleased I am that Marlena (aka Madame Trump) got zero airtime.

Kelli: I would like to hold a brief moment of silence for Erika, who was one of my top picks and who I was so sure would go far. I was genuinely shocked that she went home so early. There’s something about her that says ‘major player’ to me, so I’m hoping we’ll see her on the shores of paradise.

I don’t even need to tally the points to know that I am losing by a wide margin, but here’s where we stand:

Emily’s Team - Team Daisy is My Yoshi

1. Daisy - 39

2. Lexi - 2

3. Rachel - 16

4. Jess - 19

5. Kelsey A - 2

6. Katelyn

7. Edwina - 22

8. Taylor

9. Evalin - 5

10. Sydney - 2

11. Marlena

TOTAL: 107

Kelli’s Team - Team Throw it in the Fire

1. Lea

2. Maria - 4

3. Kelsey T - 2

4. Erika

5. Jenn

6. Autumn

7. Allison - 2

8. Madina - 2

9. Chrissa

10. Lauren - 16

11. Starr

TOTAL: 26

Kelli: Well, fuck. See you at hometowns, maybe. Jk lol, see you next week.