Kelli: Hello, and welcome back to another week of The Bachelor, sponsored by The Golden Bachelor. This week, Mary joins me again to give points to Emily’s team, because my team is dead. Take it away, Mary.

Mary: Here we are in Tulum, the most romantic place. Well, not too romantic for Joey at the beginning of the episode. Instead, he’s feeling weepy about his experience on The Bachelorette with Charity. It was hard for him to feel so connected to Charity, then heartbroken to be sent home. I mean, I get it, it would be hard, but also… should you put all your eggs in the Bach basket? They know each other for like, two weeks, right? I don’t know I’d bet my life on that. 

Kelli: True, but also, Charity and Dotun are going to be together forever.

Mary: Joey is worried that he’s going to be rejected at the end of the show, and it’s not a good look IMO. It’s seemed to me for a couple of weeks now that Joey is here to find who loves him most, not who he loves most. He’s really worried about rejection, and it kind of feels like maybe he’s not here for the right reasons. Maybe he needs some therapy work to get to the root of his rejection issues.

Kelli: Yeah, I do have to wonder if the producers are just pushing Joey to a breaking point by asking him “what’s your greatest fear in all of this” in four hundred different ways until he ends up in tears. 

We see the three different women taking equally pensive walks on the beaches of Tulum with voiceovers about their individual journeys. I barely took any notes during this part because at this point I know the deal. Rachel needs to be more vulnerable. Kelsey is sad that her mom can’t be here for this. Daisy thought she’d never be loved but now she is. Sand. Pool. Distant gaze. Etc. 

Rachel is getting the first date of the episode, and this is when we learn that the women of the Golden Bachelor are back for more screen time! At first, I thought maybe Susan was going to give advice to all three contestants, which probably would have gone better TBH, but it turns out she’s paired with Rachel for a little pre-fantasy date chat.  

During their conversation, Rachel finally reveals that her two longest relationships — including the one that almost turned into an engagement — ended because of cheating. This is part of why Rachel is so afraid of opening up to Joey and being vulnerable with him. Susan encourages Rachel to let her guard down if she loves Joey. This might sound like generic advice, but it seems like something Rachel genuinely needs to hear.

Mary: You know Rachel greets Joey with a run and jump for 5 points! I’m impressed with how many run and jumps have happened recently, because the women seemed to be struggling with it (or hesitant?) at the beginning of the season. 

And what’s the date? Well, Joey asks if Rachel’s good with wild animals and holding her breath for “like a really long time.” Uhhhhh. My own skepticism aside, Joey says that he’s more laid back with Rachel and has banter with her that he doesn’t have as the other women. Joey notes that Rachel isn’t as emotionally vulnerable as some of the other women. He says it’s not a bad thing, but…who can say. It seems bad to me.

Kelli: It turns out they’re going to a cenote, which Joey defines as an “underwater cave situation.” They’ve done this on the show before — most recently during Gabby and Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, for one of Gabby and Erick’s final dates. Anyway, this date involves jumping off increasingly high platforms into a sinkhole because love is a leap of faith or whatever. Rachel pretends to be excited about this and says it’s her favorite date because she “likes to be outdoors.” She will come to regret this

Mary: An underwater cave situation is my literal nightmare. You can pick one. Rachel and Joey seem to be enjoying it, until the last jump, when Rachel jumps from the highest spot, only to hit her face on the water. When you jump from that high, water might as well be a solid wall. Rachel tries to play off the pain, but she starts to have difficulty talking, and Joey eventually convinces her she needs to go to the hospital. I felt bad for Rachel, because she clearly didn’t want to “ruin” the date, but these things happen. Sitting in the hospital together and dealing with something hard is maybe a better test of a relationship than an underwater cave situation

Eventually, Rachel’s x-ray comes back clean. It seemed like Joey was offering her so much support, and that was nice to see! 

Kelli: Later, at dinner, Rachel seems to be doing better, and proves to Joey that the pain is gone by chomping her jaw dramatically. She tells him she feels guilty for ruining the date, and Joey is like, “what? It was a freak accident,” which I would actually disagree with, because it’s not actually that crazy that you might hurt yourself jumping off a platform into a natural sinkhole, but I digress. I can relate to Rachel, because I, too, like to blame myself for things that are out of my control.

Rachel then tells Joey that she feels like she might’ve waited too long to open up to him. A fear of hers in all of this is that she’s behind the other women and playing catch-up. She also tells him, finally, that she was cheated on for the entirety of both of her previous relationships, which is a horrifying revelation. She knows that Joey isn’t ‘cheating’ with the other women here, but having to wait to see him because he’s with another woman definitely brings up some of those feelings, which is understandable. Joey tries to reassure her, but it’s not really working this time, and Rachel breaks down in tears (2 points). Joey holds her and she cries for a long time. It’s tough to watch.

Mary: I felt so bad for Rachel. This is the something bad that her family seemed to allude to during Hometowns. It’s nice that Joey is so reassuring, but it’s also scary knowing that he might not pick Rachel in the end. Of course, the fantasy suite card arrives with a very masculine script indicating the couple can opt to stay in a fancy suite tonight. I love and hate that the producers make it seem like the host is giving them the option, giving them permission, to have private time. It’s so weird.

Rachel is in, of course, and the two go to their suite to do whatever people do during fantasy suites.

Kelli: In the morning they cuddle and talk about how great the night was, and Rachel reveals that she told Joey she loves him (15 points). Joey says he’s falling for Rachel (but not to her face, for 5 points), and that a life with her would be so beautiful. I think we can all see where this is going, but sure, Joey. We believe you.

Mary: Back at the main hotel, Kelsey gets to talk to Leslie from The Golden Bachelor. I can’t fully remember who Leslie was…is she the one that used to be an aerobics instructor? The one who felt burned by Garry because he all but proposed? That would make her bad attitude make sense.

Kelli: Yes, Leslie is the runner-up who also dated Prince. She’s too good for this, and yet, here we are.

Mary: Because we all have to talk about Kelsey’s dead mom each time we see her, Leslie tells her that her mom would be proud of her “journey” (2 points for more crying). Leslie had a similar experience; her mom died when she was young, too, so she didn’t get to share about her dating life with her. Leslie isn’t about to be reassuring though. Instead, she warns Kelsey about what happens if you don’t get chosen by the Bachelor. She says, “Always have something in the back of your head that you might not be it. If you’re it, it’s amazing, and if you’re not, you have a little bit of protection.” I’m familiar with this line of thinking, and I do it all the time (don’t want to get those expectations up too high!), but man, it’s a bummer to hear someone say it out loud.

Kelli: Now that Leslie has ruined the vibe, it’s time for Kelsey’s date! She can’t do a run-and-jump because she’s wearing a too-tight midi skirt, but she acknowledges it aloud, which I enjoyed. They’re going on a boat for their date, which seems to me like a much better date than having to jump into water from a great height, but maybe that’s because Kelsey is Joey’s favorite and we all know it.

In his ITM, Joey says that he just wants to know that Kelsey feels the same way about him that he feels about her, because the ‘L’ word hasn’t been uttered. This makes it seem like Joey is saying that he L-words Kelsey. 

On the boat, they’re both very giddy, having a good time talking about Kelsey’s crazy hair and whether they want to live on the water. It seems like Joey is trying to broach the ‘would you consider moving out of New Orleans’ conversation, and he also says that he liked NOLA a lot himself, so maybe Joey would consider a relocation too. 

Everything changes when Kelsey finds out that they’re going to be swimming with turtles. She’s looking over the edge of the boat and spots one of them, and in a voice pitched three octaves higher than usual she squeals, “OH MY GOD, YOU CAN SEE HIS LITTLE FINS!” If Emily were here, I would argue that this is even cuter than Daisy saying “Thunder, you’re mine” to a horse.

Mary: I absolutely loved seeing the turtles, and I would react the same way. It was all very cute. 

Kelli: 10/10 beautiful turtle footage.

Mary: Joey and Kelsey go to their requisite fancy dinner and reminisce about how easy everything feels between them. Then, because she is the ghost that haunts this date, Leslie comes up in conversation. Kelsey explains that Leslie said not to be too confident, and Joey doesn’t shut it down. He admits he’s also scared because he doesn’t want to choose someone and not get chosen in return. Apparently, he felt very confident with Charity, and then she didn’t pick him. Kelsey tries to console him, but Leslie has harshed the vibe yet again.

Kelli: Kelsey then casually tells Joey that when she was talking to her dad, she told him she loves Joey. “I do love you, Joey,” she says then (15 points), and Joey can barely contain his happiness, despite his surprise at how nonchalantly she revealed this information. He wants to express to her how he’s feeling, so he tells her that he is falling in love with her “fully,” and that he has been for a while now (20 points). They’re both going to explode from happiness, and Joey gives Kelsey the fantasy suite card, which she obviously accepts.

At the suite, they make out in a hot tub/pool situation (5 points), and in voiceover Joey says, “When I look into Kelsey’s eyes I feel like I can truly see what my future is.” 

Mary: We love a hot tub situation. I’m really starting to feel like these two are it! 

In the morning, they have a little breakfast scene, which is very cute. I want to go on record and say I don’t know that I have ever had a cute breakfast making scene in my real life. I do not look so cute in the AM with the CPAP mask lines.

Joey cannot break an egg. Like, he’s really bad at it. He does, however, say he feels great after his night with Kelsey. I wonder what they talked about! That’s what I want to know with all these couples.

Kelli: Apparently he didn’t reassure her that she was definitely going to win, because otherwise what happens later probably wouldn’t be happening.

But first! It’s time for our final Golden Bachelorette, and you guessed it: it’s… Sandra?

Mary: Okay, I love Sandra. She’s one of my favorite contestants from the Golden Bachelor, and I will always remember how she farted so long and loud on national TV. A gem.

Kelli: I do love Sandra, but this was such a random match-up, and Daisy and Sandra don’t seem to have the same level of chemistry that Kelsey had with Leslie or that Susan would have with anyone placed in front of her. But Sandra doesn’t let this discourage her from communicating her message to Daisy: men like sex. Be sexy, Daisy. “Give it some oomph. Maybe even some sexual oomph.” Armed with this valuable advice, Daisy sets off to meet up with Joey.

Mary: Daisy isn’t wasting any time and does a big old run and jump for 5 points. I guess they’re going to ride ATVs, which again, is not my favorite thing. They’re super dangerous! I’ve known tons of people to hurt themselves that way! 

Kelli: Also, I have to note that before the ATVs, Daisy is like, “wait, I have something for you,” and then gives Joey a very random and weirdly long makeout session. Thanks, Sandra. Joey’s like, cool, we need to go do something dangerous RIGHT NOW.

Mary: Then, while Daisy and Joey are having so much fun, we get a cutaway to Kelsey, who is getting worried about…something. Her own fears? I blame Leslie.

Kelli: Yeah, it was frankly rude of them to pair Kelsey with Leslie. Even if they have mom stuff in common, Leslie was devastated by her breakup with Gary, and it seems clear that producers made this decision to strike fear right into Kelsey’s sweet little heart.

Anyway, Daisy and Joey ride around on their ATVs and surprisingly they don’t get into an accident. They chat about how great Daisy’s hometown was, and then they have a sexy shower makeout, for which I will award Daisy 2 points. 

Later that night, they have dinner at a table that is basically directly on the beach. You can see the waves crashing behind them. I was jealous.

Mary: Daisy is clearly having a great time, and tells Joey it’s one of her favorites days in her life, ever. Okay, girl, don’t get too excited.

She says she’s an emotional person and she’s overthinking everything. Unfortunately, she also has a dark dating past, and her previous partner wasn’t emotionally vulnerable with her, nor did he deal with her emotions well. She says that if she tried to express her feelings to him, he’d say she was overreacting. Joey doesn’t do any of that, though! Still, she’s having a hard time trusting the feeling.

Almost as if he’s trying to show off his own emotional vulnerability, Joey tells Daisy about one of his past relationships, which didn’t work out because he wasn’t as good of a boyfriend/person as he wanted to be. He didn’t make her feel as special as she needed, and that made him unsure of himself. Joey worries that if he shows who he really is, people won’t love him, and WOOF isn’t that true of most people? Daisy gets it, and they hug and cry (2 points). She tells him he changed her life.

Kelli: Finally, Joey tells Daisy what he’s been waiting to tell her: that he’s falling in love with her too (20 points). He seems to feel very bad about last week when she told him she was falling and he said “I feel the same way,” because that was extremely nonspecific, and Joey knows that it’s very important for him to be specific with all of these women!!! So, yes, specifically, he is falling in love with Daisy. He gives her the fantasy suite card, and of course she accepts it.

They wake up still very much falling in love with each other, which they both say multiple times. In an ITM, Joey says that if he got down on one knee in front of Daisy, he thinks she would say yes. He has zero doubts that one of these women is going to make him the happiest man in the world, and all of his fears and doubts have disappeared.

NOT SO FAST, JOEY! Did you forget about the cold open? We didn’t mention it, which just makes this twist all the more shocking, right?

Mary: Something awful is brewing with Kelsey. Even though she was soooo confident after her overnight, she’s not sure now, and she says she needs to talk to Joey. We get a shot of Kelsey walking to Joey’s room and leaving a note in his door when he doesn’t answer. Dramatically, the note just says, “We need to talk.” When Joey finds the card, he’s distressed. He doesn’t understand, and we don’t either! That’s all for the next episode. So, we’re definitely blaming Leslie, right?

Kelli: Yeah, I think Kelsey’s talk with Leslie really shook her confidence. I’ll give her 3 extra points for throwing a wrench into things even though I think this is pretty much a misdirect. I imagine she’s going to go to Joey seeking reassurance, he’ll do his best, and she’ll stick around for the proposal. I think the show is trying to lead us to the conclusion that Joey ends up alone, but I just don’t think it’s true. 

Anyway, let’s see how Emily’s points shake out this week, shall we?

Emily’s Team - Team Daisy is My Yoshi

• Daisy - 29

• Rachel - 27

• Kelsey A - 45

LAST WEEK: 506
NEW TOTAL:  607

Kelli’s Team - Team Throw it in the Fire

• Dead

LAST WEEK:  371
SAME TOTAL BECAUSE DEAD:  371

Kelli: There we have it! See you next week for the Women Tell All, AKA my final chance to catch up to Emily. It could totally happen. Just look at the numbers.