It’s time for the Men Tell All, except this really should have been called “Man Tell All” because 85% of this episode was just about Luke P. Away we go!

Susan: Chris Harrison gets us right into the action for this “different version of the men tell all,” which he teases will be “shocking” and “emotional.” I’m just here to watch people drag Luke P. 

Emily: I’m just here to find out who goes home at the end of this rose ceremony. Spoiler: WE WON’T GET THERE. I hate everything.

Susan: We pick up back in Crete where Hannah is looking bomb af ahead the rose ceremony. She came here to break a heart. And she lets us know that she has no regrets about Luke. “I’m like, fuck that guy.” 

Emily: You thought she looked bomb af? Really? I thought this wasn’t much of a hot take, but I’m glad I wrote it down in my notes anyway, since we’re of two minds about this. Hannah’s rose ceremony outfit is really uggo. But yeah, her words are good, and that’s what’s important here. That sounded like sarcasm, but it wasn’t.

Susan: I thought that dress looked made for her body. Anyway, Peter and Tyler seem very confident. Jed is blah. And Luke...Luke is in a van on a selfie cam on his way to be the little shit he is one more time. His monologue to camera is truly delusional: “Hannah thought that...there’s no way I’d wanna be with her anymore after the last thing she told me. And she is sadly mistaken. She doesn’t realize that I still love her. And I’m not through. This isn’t over for me yet.” 

Emily: Not only is he confident that it’s not over, he’s SO CONFIDENT that he’s the one for her that he has whipped out an engagement ring. That’s some serious lack of self-awareness there. I know he’s come out and said the producers gave him that engagement ring, but even if they did, he’s going along with it. And also he’s terrible. Please take a hint, Luke.

Susan: She told you very definitively that it IS over. And it wasn’t because she thought you didn’t want to be with her. She does not want to be with you, you absolute fucknut.

Emily: I love how Chris Harrison is talking to Hannah here as if he has no idea Luke is on his way there right now. His talk with her goes something like this, “So Hannah, you have three guys left. And only three guys. Definitely no one else is showing up.” Real smooth, Chris. 

Susan: In the way a sociopath would, he just...joins the rose ceremony like he’s supposed to be there. The other guys have no idea Hannah told him to kick rocks already. 

Emily: Also the live studio audience is actually LOLing at Luke being there. This is so ridiculous.

Susan: When Hannah sees him, she looks like she wishes she had a weapon. Observe:

Hannah: Why are you here?
Luke: I need to talk to you.
Hannah: No.
One of the dudes: She said no, bro. Just get back in line.
Hannah: Please get away from me. I’m about to go psycho. Please leave.
Luke: I need clarity.
Hannah: I have clarity. This is not about you.
Luke: I can’t leave until I have closure.

Emily: At this point, Jed is like “get the fuck out,” as if he isn’t also an asshole. Jed’s holier-than-thou attitude is painful. I know we’re focusing on how terrible Luke is here, but I think it’s also important to acknowledge the second shithead in the room. Hello, Jed. We see you. 

Susan: Hannah tells Luke, “Yeah, you will leave because I already sent you home. That’s not how this works. I’m not going to let you re-write what you said the other night.” I’m so glad she called him out on trying to change the narrative like he’s been doing all season. He says some stuff about his heart, and she says, “This is not about your heart. Fucking leave! I’m so tired..You’re so narcissistic. It’s always about  ‘my this, my that.’”

Emily: I’m so proud of Hannah for being able to see this while being so closely attached to what’s going on. Her ability to analyze her relationship with Luke throughout this episode was really impressive. 

Susan: Yes. She’s finally hitting the nail on the head with why he’s so problematic. His “concerns” are never about anything but him. Then, she does my favorite thing she’s done so far this season. Luke says, “This isn’t over for me,” and she’s like “All right” and picks up the damn rose podium and moves it in front of him as if she’s going to just start the rose ceremony and I looooved this.

Emily: Luke tells Hannah, “I don’t want to be misunderstood and that be the reason I leave.” This is his go-to line of defense. Any time he says something and people don’t like what he says, he backs up and says he was misunderstood. But how many times can a person be misunderstood? Luke, maybe we understand you, but the words you’re saying are terrible. Consider that alternative. 

Susan: Luke says, “This will be really easy if you give me 60 seconds to talk,” the way someone would say “This will be really painless. Just close your eyes and take a deep breath of this rag” before they chloroform your ass. 

Emily: Notice this is a lot of Luke talking and nothing else happening, because Hannah is so over it at this point. She’s just trying to continue on with the rose ceremony and send one of these other dudes home. She wants fewer dudes at this point, Luke. Not extra dudes. I would also like for an elimination to happen because eventually, Hannah has to get engaged to someone and I would like to still be alive when that happens. IDK maybe that’s just me. 

Susan: Then Luke introduces us to the world’s worst drinking game with this: “Never have I ever condemned or judged you.” DRINK IF YOU’VE CONDEMNED OR JUDGED HANNAH! 

Emily: Let’s be real. All of us at home would have to drink because we’ve all judged Hannah at some point. Heck, I have to drink for that comment I made about her uggo rose ceremony outfit earlier. We are all sinners. But Luke has slut-shamed Hannah, and that’s the real issue here.

Susan: When he finally leaves, she says, “I fucking hate that guy” and America takes a big collective gulp of wine. 

Emily: Because we’re judging her outfit. But also because Luke is gone. 

Susan: The other three men are literally giggling with glee. They can’t contain their joy. The music sounds like a romantic comedy score. It’s all very triumphant.

Emily: Chris Harrison takes a moment to pull Hannah aside and let her know some extra bullshit about Luke that no one actually cares about. Luke had a ring and was going to propose. Literally no one cares, Chris Harrison. Stop trying to make Luke P. happen. He’s taken up most of the season. Set him free. 

Susan: Back in the studio, it’s just Luke P. on stage with Chris Harrison. He looks more clean-shaven than I’ve ever seen anyone look. Normal hot seat is 5 points, but I say he gets 10 points for having the whole damn stage to himself.

Emily: Girl, I was going to suggest the same thing, since this is the Luke P. episode. 

Susan: When Luke says Hannah should have let him talk, Chris says, “You had your say. It just went poorly and you wanted another say.” Chris really does some werk this episode. He dislikes Luke as openly as he disliked Juan Pablo. 

Emily: I loved when Chris Harrison said this, because it pretty much sums up Luke’s entire argument tactic. “Let me just keep saying different things until I figure out which thing will make you not mad at me.”

Susan: Luke’s whole stance here is that OF COURSE he was “misunderstood” the night Hannah sent him home. He’s trying to be very careful with his words, but he is still blowing it when he does talk. When he isn’t talking, there are a lot of loooong uncomfortable silences.

Emily: Speaking of drinking games, DO NOT drink every time Luke says he was misunderstood. You will die. 

Susan: Chris asks Luke if he feels he made any mistakes. Luke’s response? “If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing.” For fuck’s sake, man.

Emily: Cut to women in the audience making over-exaggerated shocked faces. By the way, it’s still on my bucket list to go to a Men Tell All or Women Tell All taping. I’ve been practicing my overly-emotive expressions. I’ve been putting together various jewel-toned ensembles. I’m ready to go. Someone please write in and hook me up. 

Susan: Luke says he was “neglected and disrespected” by the guys both on and off camera. “From day one coming here, I felt like I was on a rescue mission for Hannah.” Chris asks if he thinks Hannah needed to be saved, and he says he meant a rescue mission from the other guys. Suuuuure. I think we all know he meant he was gonna save this harlot’s soul and reputation.

Emily: At this point my boy Devin pops out. Wait… is Devin even on my team? I literally can’t remember. Let me go check. 

Susan: I only remember Devin’s name because we had trouble figuring out who he was in a previous recap.

Emily: Okay, yes, he is in fact my boy Devin. Let’s carry on. He storms out from backstage because he can’t handle any more of Luke’s BS. He says, “Luke there are two type of men: men who want an independent strong woman, and men who want a woman you can control.” Devin says Luke wants a woman he can control so that he can feel better about himself. Where is the lie? 3 points to Devin for popping out and dropping some truth bombs. 

Susan: Luke’s least believable line of the night is, ““The last thing I want, and the last thing I’ll ever do, is control a woman.” Ok, buddy. But then he reminds us that he is Luke when he follows up with, “Although a man is supposed to lead and guide a woman in a relationship.” EXCUSE ME, SIR?

Emily: What’s most upsetting about this line is that this IS how a lot of Christians think. I’ve been to enough super Christian weddings to know. It’s horrifying.

Susan: Rachel Lindsay called Luke out for giving Christians a bad name on Here to Make Friends last week. And Jonathan calls him out on this episode. Our man Mike (#MikeforBachelor) calls Luke a misogynist (accurate) and says his future wife will be a prisoner (also accurate). Mike for President if he isn’t the Bachelor.

Emily: Heck, why can’t Mike be both President and Bachelor? Apparently reality television is a gateway to the presidency now. Mike also tells Luke, “we didn’t place a target on your back. You put that on yourself.”

Susan: When Luke gets yet another opportunity to say something better, he closes with: “I am sincerely sorry about how it played out.” Not “how I acted” or “what I did” but “how it played out.” This fake and deflective apology sums up just about everything that’s wrong with Luke. 

Emily: Yes, I think Garrett made that point too when he tells Luke, “A five year old in a cookie jar is always going to say I’m sorry.” Luke is sorry his actions are not being received well. He’s not sorry for what he did. 

Susan: John Paul Jones is in the hot seat, so he gets 5 points. Chris says he’s never seen someone how so much fun, and JPJ is like well yeah, I was off work and everything was paid for. These are the reasons I’d go on the show if I was single.

Susan: But let’s not make cutting locks of his hair a thing, please. I did not need to see this random chick cut his hair. It’s weird. I’m excited to see him in Paradise though!

Emily: Next up to the hot seat is Mike, meaning Team Sausage Party racks up 5 points. Literally my only notes about this part read as follows: “This is your bachelor audition don’t fuck this up.” #MikeforBachelor

Susan: Holy Bachelor Edit though!

Emily: I might die if he isn’t the Bachelor. Not to be dramatic or anything. Finally, Hannah comes out. This was such a great moment for Hannah. She’s wearing a hot sparkly black animal print number that I loved. 

Susan: Yes, she looks amazing, and she does such a good job of holding her ground. It’s kind of crazy to think of what she was like when we first met her on that awkward one-on-one date on Colton’s season. She’s come so far. This sounds cheesy but I’m 100% serious.

Emily: Hannah was so thoughtful and articulate about her relationship with Luke and why it went down the way it did. I know a lot of viewers had questions about how she could have let this happen, and I think she explains herself well here. She says a lot of her love at first sight about Luke came from being insecure about being the Bachelorette in the first place. She wasn’t sure which guys were there for her, but she knew Luke was there for her. And that endeared him to her immediately. 

She also says that she and Luke connected because of their shared faith, but eventually Luke “weaponized” her Christianity against her. I thought it was extremely cool of her to point out that unfortunately a lot of Christians do this. I hope all of the Christian Bachelor Nation watching this takes this message to heart. They won’t, but I can still hope. Hannah says, “The basis of what I believe is love and loving others… his love was contingent on if I did what he wanted me to do.”

Susan: She also did a great job of pointing out that Luke is the one who made this whole thing about sex by dwelling on purity or a lackthereof. “Fantasy suites aren’t used for sex, Luke. You wouldn’t know because you didn’t have one.” Hahahahaha. But seriously, purity culture is the MOST obsessed with sex and sexuality.

Emily: One of my favorite things that Hannah talks about during her time on the hot seat, however, is (unsurprisingly) Mike. You can tell that Hannah truly cares for him. She tells him that she really felt like she was losing something when she sent him home. She also tells him that he deserves love, and that she is rooting for him to find love. I truly feel like this was Hannah’s endorsement for Mike as the next Bachelor. Hopefully production is paying attention.

Emily: One of my favorite things that Hannah talks about during her time on the hot seat, however, is (unsurprisingly) Mike. You can tell that Hannah truly cares for him. She tells him that she really felt like she was losing something when she sent him home. She also tells him that he deserves love, and that she is rooting for him to find love. I truly feel like this was Hannah’s endorsement for Mike as the next Bachelor. Hopefully production is paying attention.

Susan: Hannah closes with an apology to Bachelor Nation for keeping Luke on our screens for so long. “The Luke P. show is canceled. We will not renew the season again. My apologies. And god bless the United States of America. Roll tide.”

Susan: Oh, and Chris also announces something called “Bachelor Live on Stage” hosted by Ben Higgins (who I done told y’all is being groomed to take Harrison’s job when he retires). Emily and I are like 99% sure we’re gonna get tickets to this and write about it, even though I still don’t know what it is. 

Emily: Yeah, we’re 99.999999% definitely going. We will report back and let you know what this is and how good of a Chris Harrison replacement Ben Higgins will be. Looking forward to it.

Susan: I’ve only got one superlative this week: Most Bachelor-Worthy: MIKE.

Emily: Yo… maybe next week we’ll finally get to the end of this rose ceremony. What do you think? It’s only taking us THREE EPISODES.

Points
Team Sausage Party (Emily)
Mike: 5
Devin: 3
Total This Week: 8
Last Week Total: 508
Total: 516

Team Frat-Tastic (Susan)
Luke: 10
John Paul Jones: 5
Total This Week: 15
Last Week Total: 312
Total: 327

Who’d have thought Devin and JPJ were gonna get points this week? Both teams still have at least one horse in the race, so let’s see what happens next week! And let’s close with a gif of Mike being Mike: