This week’s episode of The Bachelorette was super fascinating!

Psych! It was hometowns, the worst week of this whole dang show. But we’re here to recap it anyway. LEGGO!

Emily: Before we get into this, I just want to come out and say that Hometowns are boring AF. Of all the formulaic episodes, hometowns are the most formulaic. It’s almost as if these families are given a script. Sure, we have a few tweaks here and there every season, but to me this is the episode that’s the LEAST interesting to recap (unless The Bachelorette airs a recap episode halfway into the season… then that’s the least interesting thing to recap). But I guess let’s get into this? Now that I’ve made you readers super excited about reading this. It’s going to be great, I promise.

Susan: I agree. It’s my least favorite episode of the season. There hasn’t been an interesting hometown episode since Desiree’s brother hated Sean Lowe and was a total dick to him the entire night. 

Peter’s hometown is up first, and he must live very close to the Bach Mansh. The first thing he does is show Hannah his “baby” -- his Mercedes. It’s not what I would have expected him to drive, but I don’t know why.

Emily: Peter and Hannah start this off with the traditional hometown date greeting of a run and jump embrace. This is a nicely executed run and jump. 10/10. 5 points. Hannah has on a cute sporty floral bomber jacket thing that I’m into and 100% would wear. Someone please ID it and then buy it for me. Thank you. 

Hannah says, “I feel like when I was little with my Barbie dolls, Peter is the person I saw myself with.” Which seems like not a good sign to me. Like, the person you wanted to be with when you were little and playing with Barbie dolls is not the person you want to have an adult relationship with. So, I’m thinking at this point the writing’s on the wall for Peter. 

Susan: Hannah roots through the console of Peter’s Mercedes and finds a condom and teases him about it. He looks genuinely so embarrassed, but their back-and-forth is pretty adorable. (Also, I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t store condoms in a hot car?)

Emily: It’s a Mercedes, so the console is probably air conditioned 24/7. I don’t know about rich people things, but that seems right. I’m sure the condom is fine. Hannah’s like, “What do you think’s going to happen in this car? Peter, we’re just holding hands and kissing in this car.” It’s very cute. 

Susan: Obviously, Peter is going to take Hannah up in a plane. I really have nothing snarky to say about this whole part because it was actually really cute. Justin said, “Like, I wanna date Peter.” That’s how cute it was. 

Emily: Peter’s that perfect on paper dude that is just not 100% right IRL. It’s clear Hannah feels like she’s supposed to want to be with Peter. But really she just wants to bone him and then send him on his merry way. Mark my words. 

Susan: It’s time to meet the star of this episode: Peter’s Family Unit. These people are the sweetest.

Emily: The best word I can think of to describe Peter’s family? DELIGHTFUL. They were absolutely delightful. 

Susan: I love how emotionally open this whole family is. They express everything without hesitation -- joy, love, worry. Every family member cries at some point, and that German chant before dinner was so pure and happy that I wanna have dinner there at least twice a week. 

Emily: See… I thought it was kind of creepy? But I did just go see Midsommar so any white people chanting in another language gives me goosebumps.

Susan: No, 20 people laying their hands on Luke and praying is creepy. This was a celebration of mealtime happiness, damn it! Also, Peter gets 2 points for crying during his toast.

Emily: After dinner, Peter’s brother takes Hannah aside. He asks if Hannah has expressed her feelings to Peter. Hannah says they’re “on the track” to be there… clearly Peter is not the one. Sorry, that’s my theme of this date. 

Susan: Bachelor(ette) fans know that hometown dates are often when contestants progress from “falling in love” to “I love you,” and Peter is clearly feeling some pressure. While he doesn’t say “I love you,” he does say “I”m falling so freaking hard.” 10 points, Petey.

Emily: You can tell he does want to say “I love you,” but it’s almost like Hannah keeps kissing him so that he can’t get the words out. For real, she’s not into him, which is a little weird. Because just look at her other options. The only viable ones are Peter and Tyler (AKA my team, Team Sausage Party). Peter tells the cameras that he does love her, but he’s afraid of opening his heart up. He says, “I don’t know what I’m waiting for.” </3

Susan: Next we head to Jupiter, Florida for Tyler’s date. Hannah does a solid, if slightly awkward, run-and-jump. 5 points. Tyler says the best way to see Jupiter is by boat. I said, “No, it’s by spaceship” because I’m...not funny.

Emily: My first note here is, hmm, let’s see… Oh yeah: “Tyler is fucking hot.” I’m glad they’re doing this in swimwear. What can I say? Tyler tells Hannah, “I promise you, I’m better at driving a boat than I am at riding a horse.” I love his goofy awkward jokes. I’m really just surprised at how much I love Tyler.

Susan: They do a horrible job of putting sunscreen on one another because they’re just trying to feel each other up as much as possible without doing anything that requires black boxes. Y’all gon’ get burnt.

Emily: Clearly Tyler is not as concerned about protection as our boy Peter was. Har har. 

Susan: They pull up to an outdoor beach bar and have some yummy-looking drinks. 

Emily: I also noted here that the drinks looked yummy. I think maybe they’re mojitos? Very refreshing. Tyler takes Hannah to see his old rich person house by the water. This is where his family lived before the recession.

Susan: Tyler hasn’t seen his dad since he left for the show, shortly after he came out of his coma. He says he really wants his dad to know his wife and kids one day. When Tyler and his dad see each other, it’s so sweet. They both seem to be holding back tears. His dad calls him “buddy,” and I don’t know why, but this made me tear up a little. The dads in this episode are rocking so far.

Emily: Tyler’s dad also kept referring to Tyler as “man.” Like, “Good to see you, man.” That seemed a little weird to me? But you know, toxic masculinity is weird. I’m sure these guys are not used to expressing raw emotions for each other, especially not in front of cameras. Tyler cries when talking about his dad, and he tries to make a little joke about it. He says, “I don’t know what’s going on with my eye, man. That’s my pops.” 2 points to Tyler for crying. Strange how we rewarded so many more points for crying on Colton’s season. 

Susan: I thought it was sweet. Even if they’re not used to expressing it so openly, I think they were at least trying to, and it felt really genuine and wholesome to me. 

Emily: Tyler’s dad tells Hannnah he’s worried about Tyler because he looks like he might be in love, and he doesn’t let many people in. He says, “He’s 26. He’s definitely at that point in his life where marriage is something he’s thinking about.” When I was 26, I definitely thought I should be thinking about marriage too. But sometimes when you’re 26, you… shouldn’t be thinking about marriage. I just don’t know if either of these people are ready to get married, oddly enough. 

Susan: Yeah, I had that reaction too. But also, they’re both from the South, so maybe they’ve grown up with the idea that marriage happens in your early twenties. Not saying it’s ideal. I got married at 25 and look how that worked out. 

Emily: To be fair, Susan and I both got married at 25 and both got divorced. So maybe we’re just bitter old bitches. Who knows? I’m starting to think the correct age to get married is 80. 

Susan: I’m really hoping it’s 32 because that’s when I’m doing it this time. 

Emily: I’m sure these marriages are going to work out for us, Susan. Group therapy time about our divorces was a nice diversion from this dumb episode. 

Susan: Also, Justin and Ben (our significant others) are the best. Not just saying that because they’re both gonna read this. They really are great. 

Emily: Meh, they’re fine.

Susan: ANYWAY, Tyler also says he’s “falling in love” with Hannah for 10 points. 

Emily: She gets in the car to go, but Tyler pushes her into the car and says he coming with her. She straddles him in the car. I think there was some horizontal making out. He says, “Sorry, mom.” 

Susan: The end of this date was familiar to me. Like when you don’t wanna leave each other yet but can’t go home together and so you just keep making out for a while. Ah, love. Oh, and 3 points for straddle action.

Emily: Notice when he gets out of the car, we don’t get a shot of the front of his pants. Because he has a boner.

Susan: Here we go. Luke time. I am not excited to be in Gainesville, Georgia. But Hannah’s outfit is very me. I like it a lot. It’s the only thing I’ll like on this date. 

Emily: Hannah says, “I feel like Luke is a jigsaw puzzle. I’ve got the corners down, but I don’t have the middle figured out.” I really don’t think Luke’s as complicated as you’re making him out to be, Hannah. What if Luke is a 4-piece jigsaw puzzle? Once you get the corners down… that’s it. That’s the whole puzzle.

Susan: Is Luke honestly still here just because he told Hannah he was falling in love with her in the first week? Because he has worn out his welcome. 4 points for that half-hearted run-and-jump.

Emily: That run-and-jump seemed obligatory rather than a run-and-jump that came from two people actually excited about seeing each other.

Susan: There must be nothing to do or see in Gainesville because they’re going to Sunday school in a room that looks like a church basement. 

Emily: Luke’s just trying to make good on his promise from a few weeks ago that everyone likes him. See, he filled up a whole basement with people who like him. Or just really want to be on TV.

Susan: Sigh. Again, I’m not trying to be too judgy about Luke’s “testimony.” Obviously something moving happened to him. But come on. This is so rehearsed! It’s almost exactly what he said to Hannah last week. It just feels so performative and...icky.  Another thing that felt icky: Hannah is so desperate to hear something -- anything -- positive about Luke that when these people who see him for an hour a week and never witness his romantic relationships say he’s “the best guy” ever, she just goes for it and forgets all the gaslighting and toxic behavior he’s shown her so far. 

PSA: When a shitty person acts shitty, they usually aren’t horrible to literally every single person who crosses their path. So just because some person from church hasn’t been personally victimized by Luke doesn’t mean he isn’t toxic. Run, Hannah. 

Emily: People who went to church with Ted Bundy thought he was a great guy, too. Just saying.

Susan: Exactly. And there are people out there somewhere who like hanging out with Mike Pence.

At Luke’s family’s house, Hannah tells them all that none of the men like him and that they’ve spent a lot of time basically arguing about this. Hannah, listen to yourself. 

Emily: Luke’s family is like, “It sounds like Luke was a dick. We don’t know how he made it this far.” But it also sounds like they’re excusing his behavior as Luke just being afraid to be himself. I’m wondering how they’ll feel when they see it play out on TV. 

Susan: Luke’s dad tells him, “I hate to think of people being critical of you.” Well, Mr. P., Luke’s done some stuff worthy of criticism. Luke spouts off some more platitudes about Hannah being “worth it” and knowing he’s looking at his future wife. This still feels performative to me. 

Emily: He tells everyone that he thinks the relationship is back on track now, but I’m very confused. He keeps saying this. In every episode, he says, “We’re back on track now.” When did they magically get back on track? Things aren’t just magically on track because you say it’s true.

Susan: Then Hannah is totally done for because Luke does it. He says “I love you.” He gets 15 points, and Hannah gets her memory wiped off all the shitty stuff he’s said and done. 

Emily: This is why Hannah is not at a point where she should be thinking about marriage. Because she’s still falling for shit like this. After the date, Hannah seems very pleased and tells Luke that they had a “good day ALL day.” Girl. This shouldn’t be something you’re proud of. If you’re having more bad days than good days, especially this early, run, do not walk, away. 

Speaking of red flags, let’s go see Jed, I guess.

Susan: Hannah does her best run-and-jump with Jed, whose date begins in Knoxville, Tennessee. 5 points.

Emily: Really? You think this was the best run-and-jump? I thought it was super slow. I nominate Peter’s for the best run-and-jump. 

Susan: How is this an actual thing you and I are dissecting on a semi-regular basis?

So they go to a music studio, because of course they do. For someone who “isn’t here for his career anymore,” Jed has sure taken every opportunity to sing and play guitar on camera. JUST SAYIN. 

Emily: I fucking hated this so much. They go and write a song together. I think I fell asleep during this part. 

Susan: We recently had a discussion about dumb lyrics on the podcast. Let me say: these lyrics are the dumbest of dumb. I don’t wanna hear about them walking on cobblestone streets and making wishes under bridges. Kill me now. 

Emily: I am still sleeping. Wake me up when Jed tells Hannah he has a girlfriend and a side chick. 

Susan: I also love that Jed thinks he has to explain the concept of brainstorming to Hannah. Jed, your creative process is not that fucking intricate or interesting. Stop it. 

Finally, Jed makes himself useful on this episode and gets my team 15 points when he says “I love you.” Since we all know he also said this to his GIRLFRIEND when filming was about to start, it’s hard to take seriously. But still, thanks for the points, you absolute twat.

Emily: For real, when Jed is about to tell Hannah he loves her, he says, “Do you ever feel like your heart is coming out of your chest because you have to say something and you just can’t?” And I perked back up because I was like, “Aw shit, he’s going to come clean about the girlfriend.” But no. He just says some more bullshit: “I love you. I can feel it.” Get off my TV.

Susan: The tour de Tennessee continues in his actual hometown of Sevierville. Jed gets some unexpected extra run-and-jump points because his dad does one that is actually pretty solid. 5 more points. AND THEN the cutest Border Collie also does a run-and-jump, so 5 more. Dogs are always worth points. 

Emily: Okay, these were the true best run and jumps of the night. Jed even says his dog is better at it than Hannah.

Susan: Not to be an absolute bitch, but what in the yee-haw is Jed’s dad wearing?

Emily: Hmm… I must have fallen asleep again. 

Susan: It’s like an Ed Hardy shirt for cowboys. It’s bad.

My favorite part of this date was how much Jed’s mom and sister were just not having it. They hated every second of this experience. Jed’s mom said the idea of them getting engaged “doesn’t feel very realistic.” Probably because he was just dating someone else like five weeks ago and how here he is with a full TV crew. 

Emily: My favorite thing was when Hannah expressed some concern about potentially breaking Jed’s heart down the line. And his mom is like, “He lived his life before Bachelorette. He’s been loved. He’s human.” How refreshing. These other parents are like flipping out about their baby getting dumped. This boss mom is like, “My son is a fucking adult. Worse shit happens in this life.” Thank you, miss Mom. 

Jed’s sister had the most bored expression on her face during her talk with Hannah. She probably had better plans and forgot she even had to do this, and she is BITTER AF. 

Susan: Hannah leaves Tennessee feeling concerned that an engagement to Jed would mean that either their relationship or his music would suffer. So now we’re all just pretending Jed has an actual music career? 

Emily: Kill me now. 

Susan: At rose ceremony time, Hannah looks great as usual in a bright green, backless dress. Also as usual, she’s very confused. She tells Chris there is no clear frontrunner. What? HOW? Tyler should be your frontrunner. It’s Tyler. 

Emily: She’s clearly not ready to get married if she’s not ready to marry Tyler and no one else. I am for real.

Susan: Anyway, the first rose goes to Peter and the second to Tyler. So far, so good. Then, she picks up the last rose and panic walks out of the room, leaving Jed and Luke roseless and confused. Luke doesn’t move from his spot while Peter, Tyler and Jed huddle up to talk about how crazy it would be if Luke got the rose over Jed. I say send ‘em both home and let’s get down to banging Tyler or Peter in a windmill. 

Emily: The problem is Hannah has wanted to bang all four of these guys all season. This is truly a Sophie’s choice. How can she say no to any of these penises in front of her? She’s ready to try them all. 

Susan: Chris Harrison realizes he’s about to have to put in some work for this episode and give Hannah a pep talk. She said she doesn’t want to end one of these relationships that isn’t really over yet. 

Emily: Read: she hasn’t fucked them yet.

Susan: So she walks back into the room and says she can’t give out a final rose. Luke does a very practiced sad look down at the floor. Jed looks unconcerned. BUT THEN.

Emily: She gives them both roses? IDK I think I fell asleep again because I don’t care about either of these dudes, and this all a bunch of dramatic hullabaloo over nothing because WE ALL KNEW she wasn’t going to give up an opportunity to bone Jed. And WE ALL KNEW from the previews that Luke was making it to overnights. Maybe if you want us to care about this bullshit, ABC, then you should stop spoiling your own show in the previews. I’m sorry. I’m very annoyed. 

Susan: This was the performance of a lifetime by Chris Harrison. That long sigh before he said “Hannah, here are the roses you asked for.” So extra.

Emily: Chris Harrison, like Jed’s sister, also made better plans and forgot he had to be here. 

Susan: So Jed looks pissed. At first I thought it was because he was called after Luke. Then I thought it was because of the trickery. He says it’s because it seemed like Hannah couldn’t choose between him a Luke and that it was a “tossup” between him and a “guy who has been a complete toxin.” I have another theory. 

Jed allegedly told his girlfriend that he wanted to make to Hannah’s top five or so for the exposure. I think Jed was prepared to go home this week because going to fantasy suites is “too far” if you’re just here for the career boost and are faking your way through the love part. Top five keeps you safely out of Bachelor running (usually) but puts you firmly in BiP territory, which would give him even more exposure. He does not want to go to the next week. 

He says he doesn’t feel like he got a rose at all and “feels unsure about all of this.” 

Emily: Yeah, I hate him. 

Susan: Join us next week to see Hannah take four men to the fantasy suites, bang in a windmill (hopefully Tyler), and yell at Luke P. I’m actually looking forward to this episode. 

Emily: Yeah, I’m back on board with fantasy suites. So much more interesting than hometowns. So glad to have all of this wholesome family time over and done with. Let’s get to the sex. 

And here are our Superlatives for the week:

• Best Family: the Webers

• Best Quote: Jed’s Dad: “She seems like a hoot.” Huh?

• Tightest pants: Tyler, but we’re more than okay with it.

• Best run and jump: Jed and his dog

• Horniest: Hannah

Aaaand… let’s break down the points for this week:

Team Sausage Party (Emily)
Tyler: 20
Peter: 17
Total This Week: 37
Last Week Total: 407
Total: 444

Team Frat-Tastic (Susan)
Jed: 30
Luke: 19
Total This Week: 49
Last Week Total: 255
Total: 304

Both teams still have two remaining players in this game. But who will come out on top? Spoiler: probably Hannah, when she has sex in a windmill. LOL I KILL ME.

See you next week!