After a long, long, long, long, long wait and many very public rumors, Clare Crawley’s season of The Bachelorette is finally here. We know that things are going to get weird really soon. And since we haven’t been living under a rock, we are aware of some of the very widely shared spoilers about this season. Our recaps are a generally spoiler-free zone, but for certain spoilers about what happens with Clare this season, we will be spoiling those. If you have somehow managed to not get spoiled on those yet, you will get spoiled on them here. So be prepared. Or don’t read. Your choice! As for other spoilers, we will not be sharing those, as usual.

Anyhow, with all of that out of the way, Susan and Emily are ready to draft their teams for the season. Our first post of each season is always drafting our fantasy team, and then more conventional recaps will follow after this week. Whatever conventional looks like this time around.

In other news, can you believe Peter’s season happened earlier this year? Seems like a decade ago, and we still wish it never happened.

Okay, for real. On to the drafting!

Emily: Susan is going to pick first because she lost last season. But before we get into the draft picks, is there anything you want to say about how the ep started?

Susan: I actually thought some of the selfie videos were genuinely entertaining and funny, which is not what I expected because...remember when Colton used to do selfie videos? Also: Bachelor Nation did a better job with COVID than the government?

Emily: I will say these dudes were huge babies about getting tested. 

Susan: Oh yeah. 

Emily: I have now been tested twice, and it's uncomfortable, but try having a period.

Susan: Word. Also: I like that Clare's dogs are there.

Emily: Yes, how nice. The hotel set-up seems pretty cool, honestly. And normally, I think about how boring it must be to sit around on the show when you're not being filmed. But honestly they're probably having more fun than we are.

Susan: They were SO happy to see other people. I'm surprised no one got sloppy drunk from that kind of excitement. That would have been what I did, unfortunately.

Emily: Yeah. We usually have one sloppy drunk dude night one.

Susan: Maybe it's because there are fewer 22-year-olds.

Emily: Oh yeah. Amazing. So do you want to get into these draft picks? We got a lot of dudes to get through.

Susan: Let’s do this. For my first pick, I'm going with Blake Moynes. First of all, he's Canadian, so marriage is a ticket outta this place. Second of all, he got the first kiss, so she's clearly somewhat into him. Third, he a cutie. 

Emily: If this is your first time joining us, we're doing snake draft. So I get the next two. For my first pick, I have to go with the obvious and take Dale off the table. We really don't know what's going to happen this season with a switcheroo of the Bachelorette. Tayshia could have very different taste in men. But we do know that Dale will bring in some points, so I can't let him fall past the first round of picks.

Susan: Also, Dale is genuinely very, very hot. Like, let's just say it.

Emily: Yes, he seems cool. I would probably try to take him anyway. For my team, I mean. Take him for my team… and nothing else.

Susan: Sure. Sure.

Emily: Okay let's see. Round 2. I have a few men I'm into. It's a good group. I think I'm going to go with Ivan.

Susan: Ivan is a solid pick. I liked his limo entrance.

Emily: He seems sweet, and I like that he's part Filipino. 

Susan: Okay my turn. I gotta go with Eazy. This dude is going to be narrating for a little while I think. I have no idea if he'll get me points, but he seems really fun and I like his energy.

Emily: Eazy got a lot of screen time, and he seems nice. We have very little else to go on.

Susan: Lol. Exactly. And for my next pick, I'm taking Ben. Solely because he was first out of the limo, and that's usually a good thing. Just playing the odds. 

Emily: Oh dang that was going to be my next pick for the same reasons.

Susan: Although I think we can agree limo exit order went out the window after Dale arrived. Like, nothing else mattered.

Emily: For absolutely no reason at all because I'm shooting darts in the wind, I'm taking Joe next. Because I like him.

Susan: He’s cute. I could also detect a sense of humor.

Emily: I feel like I'm not going to do well with these picks, but oh well. Give me Garin next because I like him.

Susan: I like him too! It really seems like she has a more solid group of dudes than, say, Hannah Brown.

Emily: Yeah no shit. Hotter. Smarter. Cooler. Most of them have real jobs.

Susan: Ok, let's go with Brendan. Just because he's cute. I have no other reason.

Emily: Remind me who he is.

Susan: Bowtie. I'd say more but that's the only note I took. He's the one who runs his family roofing business.

Emily: I also only wrote “bowtie” for him.

Susan: I'm not proud of this next pick, ok? I just want to preface because I hated his limo move so much. Zach. J. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Farting ring box.)

Emily: Oh wow I hated that so much. I'm glad you took him cause I didn't want him.

Susan: I hated it too, but I felt like he got some medium screentime later, so I think maybe he'll stick around for a little bit. And he if makes it to when Tayshia gets there, she never had to see that. 

Emily: It's fine. I'm about to make some drama picks. 

Susan: Ooooh bring me the drama!

Emily: Yeah, I'm taking Yosef because he's a creep.

Susan: I could not with his "I'll show you how a woman should be treated" shit. Aren't you divorced, my man?

Emily: Yeah, that to me was much worse than DMing women on Instagram. For me, I'm like "so what if you DMed some ladies on Instagram? We weren't dating.”

Susan:  Right. That was a non-issue. I loved that Clare just made them both sit down and was so clearly thinking "Neither of you will ever have sex with me.”

Emily: She should have just sent them both home, but since she didn't, I feel like Yosef will be around for some drama for at least a little while.

Susan: Makes sense because he seems terrible. Thanks for repping Alabama, Yosef. 

Emily: Haha. I'm really going back and forth between choosing a drama pick and choosing another guy I like, but I’m going to go with a guy I like. Demar.

Susan: Demar seems cool, and Clare looked like she was having fun with him.

Emily: He's one of the more attractive guys this season, to me. So far. I might change my mind. Enough that I'll forgive him for wanting to be a DJ.

Susan: At least he has a dream. Ok, so I'm picking this next guy because he seems like someone Clare OR Tayshia could make a bad decision and hook up with because he's attractive. He gives me skeezy vibes, but I'm choosing him for them. Brandon. 

Emily: Ah yes, the Ed Hardy guy. And he kissed her on the cheek. I made a note of that, because she seemed very impressed by that.

Susan: Oh, right! She was like, "You're the only guy who kissed me on the cheek!" I truly do not know who to pick next. 

Emily: It's really random this year, folks.

Susan: Ok, let's go with Jordan C. I can't see him going super far, but he just seems like a nice dude. 

Emily: So the thing I like about Jordan C is he brought popcorn. I have always said if I were the Bachelorette, I'd keep anyone who brought me snacks.

Susan: Yes, and popcorn is one of my personal favorite snacks. He's only 26, but he seems mature.

Emily: Popcorn is also one of my favorite snacks.

Susan: I'd give you a rose.

Emily: I would accept your rose.

Emily: Okay let me pick some more men. I'm going to take Bennett because he seems like a dick. And because he’s from Atlanta.

Susan: I wrote in my notes that he seems like a mash-up of Bentley (Ashley's season) and Kahlon (Emily's season). Both of whom were terrible.

Emily: That seems accurate. Okay next I'm taking Riley.

Susan: He was my next one! Good choice.

Emily: He seems nice. That's all I got.

Susan: How many times do you think he practiced that "guilty as charged" thing though? 

Emily: LOL right?

Susan: You could tell the producers told him to say it and he was thinking, "I hate myself.” But he does seem nice. You’re right.

Susan: Ok, my turn. And now we're getting down to the point where none of these dudes had screen time, so they are strangers to us. I'm going to make things easy on myself and just take the other Blake. Give me Blake Monar for 500, Alex.

Emily: I got nothing for him. Haha.

Susan: Me neither. Just figured, I already have the other Blake M., so let's make it two. 

Emily: Very strategic.

Susan: Thank you. This next one will be equally strategic, given that I'm having to look up their photos to see who they are. Shit, I guess I'll just take the other Zac too. LOL.

Emily: Hahahaha. Okay, next I’m going to take Chasen. Even though I hate his name. Because he got some screen time.

Susan: I couldn't bring myself to take him because of that name. And the fact that he said he "shredded" his armor for her.

Emily: Yeah that was rough.

Susan: Things get rough in the later rounds.

Emily: No one has taken Jason right? I'm going to take Jason.

Susan: He’s all yours. I don't dislike him. He just seems like a doofus.

Emily: The pregnancy thing was kind of cool because it means he probably is aware of Bachelor lore.

Susan: Good point. My only note for him is as follows: "HAVE YOU SEEN MY COUSIN VINNY?”

Emily: I mean... it's a good movie.

Susan: True. But then I got the feeling he's a guy who like...quotes movies a lot, you know?

Emily: I feel you.

Susan: I love that you took Chasen and Jason in the same round. 

Emily: Hahaha.

Susan: Okay, final round. Let’s goooooo!

Emily: Woo!

Susan: I'm going to take Tyler S., who shall henceforth be known only as Tyler, because Tyler C. is g-o-n-e.

Emily: Bye, Tyler C!

Susan: He truly was the lesser Tyler C. in Bachelor Nation.

Emily: We knew he would be.

Susan: While I'm choosing music managers, let's go with boy band manager Kenny. I honestly do want to see his tattoos. 

Emily: So there are two more. So I guess I pick one and then you get the other.

Susan: Pick your poison. Bubble Boy or straight jacket man?

Emily: Well. When you put it like that, I think the straight jacket joke was in poor taste, so I'm going to go with bubble boy Ed.

Susan: Listen, I agree. I don't want Jay, but Jay is what I get.

Emily: Usually there are some funny quotes we can use for our team names, but I can't think of any at the moment.

Susan: I actually have one, I think. I would like to be Team Reckless on Instagram.

Emily: In that case, I'm going to be Team I Just Met My Husband.

Susan: Love it.

Emily: I mean, I have Dale so I have to.

Susan: It’s true. You have the husband.

Emily: Well, any thoughts on this first episode as a whole? 

Susan: I think the group of guys actually seems pretty cool as a whole. The show is definitely leaning wayyy into the fact that we've all heard the Dale spoilers. Just treating that as a given. They mentioned her age *a lot*, and I hope we can let that go at some point and stop acting like she is about to expire.

Emily: Yes, I really hated the whole "this is my last chance" thing. We do know people find love after 40, right?

Susan: And that like, people are still people after 40. 

Emily: Right.

Susan: It sounded like she was going to die if she didn’t find a prince to kiss her.

Emily: Maybe she will. Who knows? Maybe that's why she has to leave early. So she can get married before she dies.

Susan: Also, when they talked about her past Bachelor shows, they just left out Winter Games altogether. I said aloud, “What about Benoit?!”

Emily: I know.

Emily: I know. Ben and I were watching and I was like, "when are they going to talk about how she was engaged?” and Ben was like, "I'm sure it's coming," and then they just kept going, and he was like "oh I guess it isn't.” Poor Benoit.

Susan: Anyway, I'm excited to take this *journey* with you.

Emily: Same. Should be interesting.

Susan: Best of luck to your team.

Emily: Yeah, I don’t feel super great about them, but we’ll see.

For a quick recap, here’s how the teams shook out!

SUSAN - Team Reckless on Instagram

1. Blake Moynes

2. Eazy

3. Ben

4. Brendan

5. Zach J

6. Brandon

7. Blake Monar

8. Zac C

9. Tyler

10. Kenny

11. Jay

EMILY - Team I Just Met My Husband

1. Dale

2. Ivan

3. Joe

4. Garin

5. Yosef

6. Demar

7. Bennett

8. Riley

9. Chasen

10. Jason

11. Ed

We’ll see you next week! Recaps will be on Friday this time around. Woo hoo!