2 episodes. 2 tired recappers. 1 recap. Let’s do this, people.

Emily: We start this episode with the return of Chris Harrison, and I have questions about this timeline, because it really doesn’t feel like he quarantined for two weeks after he got back.

Susan: I wrote down “this timeline is confusing” for that very reason. Tayshia tells Chris about the return of Bennett and says she’s never seen so many men be so in touch with their emotions. Same. I love it. (“It” not being Bennett and his fake love.)

Emily: I love how Chris Harrison acts surprised that Bennett is still there. This is the first of many insults to our intelligence this episode. The insults to our intelligence continue as Tayshia heads off on her one-on-one with Blake, and we’re supposed to sit here and act like we actually believe she’s interested in Blake and she might keep him. Like, okay sure. But sure, 20 points for Blake Tayshia says she’s excited for the date, but she does not seem excited for the date.

Susan: If you’ve watched more than one season of this show, you know that there is always a one-on-one date where a rose is not given out right before hometowns. Colton sent Hannah Brown home this way, Hannah did it to our main man Mike, and Peter did it to Natasha. The list goes on. We know that Blake isn’t getting a rose. Anyway, they are greeted by a reiki and crystal master who is apparently going to get to the bottom of this relationship and their lack of connection. ABC missed a HUGE opportunity to get Spencer Pratt to be the crystal master on this date. Come on, ABC. 

Emily: I know nothing about this Spencer person, so I’m just taking your word for it. Anyway. Apparently, Tayshia’s heart chakra is a little cautious. Well, duh. I don’t think we needed a reiki person to figure that one out. As Tayshia is forced to sit on Blake’s lap for some sort of connection exercise, she tells herself that she does not know this dude at all, and she’s going to have to send him home. 

Susan: Blake, meanwhile, can’t seem to read this at all because he’s talking about how he now feels really comfortable going into hometown week. I can’t tell if he’s stupid or if he’s just trying to manifest a rose. 

Emily: I can’t be the only one who was totally confused by how upset she was to send Blake home. Like, did they even talk about anything ever? If so, I have no memories of it. Either way, Blake made the Bachelorette cry, so he gets 5 more points. 

Susan: Yeah, I didn’t get this either. This dude made a penis out of clay a few weeks ago, but whatever. Tayshia says there’s something else she needs to go take care of right now. Let’s hope it’s Bennett. 

Emily: Tayshia is still crying when she goes to talk to the rest of the men. She knows what she needs to do so she asks to speak to Riley privately. Wuh oh. 

Susan: Tayshia tells Riley that he’s grown the most and that his vulnerability with her has meant a lot, but she doesn’t want to put him through hometowns and family stuff if her heart isn’t in the same place as his. 

Emily: Riley’s like “Why keep me around for so long? Why not just let me be?” He seems upset, and it makes sense, because Riley just shared with Tayshia a lot of intense stuff, and he probably feels exploited. Like, if she knew she wasn’t going to keep him, why force him to share all of those difficult things? That seems like the real question he’s asking.

Susan: In his ITM, Riley says he still thinks Tayshia is the one for him. Tayshia cries a lot over this breakup too, so 5 points to Riley.

Emily: Time for the rose ceremony, and once again, our intelligence is being insulted because at this point it’s very clear who will be sent home. Bennett is back for no good reason, because he is about to get sent home AGAIN. And Noah is not long for this world either. 

Susan: Shockingly, no one is happy to see Bennett, whose suit is truly awful. He feels like he’s getting a rose because Tayshia gave him a note that said his words meant a lot to her. Okay, sure, buddy.

Emily: Eventually the love fest is broken up when Chris Harrison shows up and tells the guys that Tayshia knows exactly what she wants to do and the cocktail party would just delay the inevitable. Thank you Jesus.

Susan: I was so relieved because goodness, we have a lot of content to get through this week, and I don’t have time for unnecessary cocktail parties and mustache banter. Roses go to: Zac, Ivan, and Brendan. So we watched that whole two-on-one “cliffhanger” date for Noah and Bennett to just go to the rose ceremony and go home anyway. They’ll both go to paradise FOR SURE and Bennett will FOR SURE fall in love with at least two women who won’t like him back. 

Emily: Byeeee to the men who were obviously going home, and hello to the Men Tell All. Now they’re all back to tell all. And this was so boring. Chris Harrison is like, “There’s no audience and no stage but we do have a lot of candles.”

Susan: This was truly the dullest Men Tell All I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying a lot because I always find that episode boring. Even the bloopers were boring this season. Let’s make this quick: They rehash a bunch of old “drama,” so there’s some back-and-forth shit talk between Team Bennett and Team Noah, and it’s truly mind-numbing. 

Emily: The most notable thing about the Men Tell All is Yosef’s time in the hot seat. 5 points to him for being in the hot seat, zero points to him for being a total piece of human garbage. Some of the “greatest hits” from Yosef’s time in the hot seat: He says if his daughter was acting like that he would hope someone would call her out. And Yosef says he’s not going to apologize to Clare. It’s a really good look. I’m unsure what the show was trying to accomplish by bringing him back, especially since Clare didn’t even come back. This was a waste of time, but we did get a lot of good reaction shots from Riley, so 2 points for him.

Susan: Yeet this man into the sun, please and thank you. Let’s also give 2 points to Jason for letting Yosef know that he is trash.

Emily: On to night 2. Are we tired yet?

Susan: Funny you should ask, Emily. Yes, we is tired. We is very tired. Because this is 2020, “hometown dates” is a super loose term for what is about to happen for the final four.

Emily: Chris Harrison tells the men, “Remember Covid is happening?” So all the families will be coming here, and the men will have to recreate their hometowns at La Quinta. Brendan cries because he’s so excited about seeing his older brother, I think, for 2 points. 

Susan: I thought this was very sweet. Brendan says his brother is the most selfless man he’s ever met, and after Chris leaves, all the men hug each other and are adorable and supportive. I want Tayshia to enter into some kind of polyamorous situation with all four at this point. 

Emily: I have a general thesis about these “hometown dates” that I’m going to announce now. 3 out of 4 of the men took the “hometown” task quite literally and manufactured really basic and cliche versions of their hometowns based on stereotypes of where they live. One of the four men created a very personal date specific to his family’s traditions and things he knows about Tayshia. I would say, “I’ll let you figure out which one is which,” but I’m going to tell you as we go because I can’t help myself. 

Susan: I wonder who Emily is talking about. Anyway, Brendan is up first, and his hometown is—you guessed it—the La Quinta Resort!

Emily: Brendan and Tayshia start their date with a good ole run-and-jump. Because even if they have to stay at La Quinta, we’re not going to dishonor the tried and true tradition of a run-and-jump for 5 points. Brendan even adds a little pizzazz to it with a little spin at the end, so he gets 2 more points. 

Susan: Brendan has a little carnival set up, and his niece Aliyah joins them for some traditional carnival games. I have SO MANY questions for the production crew about how they set these dates up, but especially this one because these “games” looked built by hand with 12-hour’s notice. Have they ever seen a basketball hoop?

Emily: Of the three overly-literal hometown dates, Brendan’s was the least offensive. It seems a little cliché to be like “I’m from a small town, and small towns have carnivals,” but it was cute. I liked that he brought his niece Aliyah along for this. It made it feel more personal. They even come up with a secret handshake.

Susan: At night, Tayshia meets Brendan’s brother Daniel and his wife, whose name I did not write down. Sorry, wife. The theme of this evening is “Brendan doesn’t want another failed marriage or engagement.” Tayshia says they’ve bonded over their divorce experiences, and Daniel says he believes Brendan is ready for marriage again. Tayshia and Brendan have some alone time by the fountain, and I’ve gotta say, they’re hot together.

Emily: Yes, they’re cute, but Brendan is soooo boring. I’m sorry. Next up is the WORST of the cliche dates. Susan, as much as I like Zac, I fucking hated this date so much. Zac tries to create the quintessential New York experience by hailing a fake taxi cab, eating bagels, and eating pizza. I’m starting to wonder if Zac even lives in New York. This date felt like the type of thing every person who’s never been to New York THINKS New York is like. But he does get 5 points for a well-executed run-and-jump, so good for him.

Susan: Hard disagree! Not just because I like Zac, but I thought this date’s large-scale backdrops made it feel a little less like Palm Springs. I like that it felt almost like little movie sets, which to me felt romantic in a quirky way. Yes, the activities are cliche, but that’s how these hometown dates usually go when they’re really in a hometown, so I can let that go. What I really liked was their energy together. They have an easy fliration, and they seem really happy just to be around each other, and that makes it more enjoyable to watch, even if they’re eating hotel pizza.

Emily: Yeah, I mean I’m not going to deny they have the best chemistry, but it still was a dumb date. Anyhow, I think this is the perfect moment to acknowledge how sweaty everyone is on these dates. Everyone except Tayshia, that is, who either has no pores or has a really great makeup crew retouching her every 5 seconds. I bring it up now because Zac in particular was DRIPPING. At the end of their date, Zac pulls them into a fountain to make out, which is cute, but after watching him be uncomfortably sweaty all day, we all know the real reason he did it is to cover up the giant sweat stains all over his clothes and also cool down a bit. 2 points to Zac for this innovative plan. 

Susan: So much sweat. Zac also gets 2 extra points for this makeout because 1) it was horizontal, and 2) it was in a goddamn fountain. That’s commitment. 

Emily: It’s time to meet the fam, and Zac’s family is not here to fuck around. His brother straight up asks Tayshia, “Where are you at with Zac in comparison to the other three?” OMG are you even ALLOWED to ask the Bachelorette that?

Susan: Zac tells his mom that meeting Tayshia has made him realize he wants to get married and have a family. His father says he hasn’t seen Zac this happy in a long time, and he seems like a sweetie. After the date, Zac says it feels easy and natural with Tayshia, and they do some more making out. 

Emily: The next date is Ivan, and yes, this is the only hometown date of the four that was actually personal and thoughtful. Obviously Ivan is my favorite, but Susan, even you have to admit this date just hit different than the other ones. When Tayshia arrives, Ivan has a kitchen set up for them to cook one of his favorite meals from home, because he knows Tayshia enjoys cooking. And frankly, it’s a smart choice, because cooking together is a great way to bond. Not that I would know from experience because my husband doesn’t cook. But anyway.

Susan: Yes, I agree that this was the best one. I think Tayshia enjoyed this one the most too. She kept saying “I’m obsessed with this” and “this is my kind of party,” and she noted that all her dates with Ivan feel “realistic,” which is something often missing from this show. Also, they watch an adorable cooking video from his four-year-old niece to show them how to make lumpia. It’s super cute and a good way to introduce another family member who couldn’t be there.

Emily: Since Ivan planned our favorite date, we’re giving him 5 points. Before Tayshia and Ivan go to meet his parents, Ivan explains to her that his dad has pulmonary fibrosis, and if he got Covid, it would be a death sentence. This is where I started screaming at the TV, “WHY DID Y’ALL FLY HIM HERE THEN!!?!” For real, if Ivan and Tayshia end up together, Ivan’s dad could meet this woman later. Is this show worth risking your life? I’ll answer. No, no it is not.

Susan: I was hoping his next sentence would be “So my parents decided not to risk his health. We’re about to have a Zoom call.” But nope, Ivan’s dad is there in the flesh (and he is a goddamn delight). 

Emily: So Ivan has been saying ALL DAY that he’s really disappointed his brother won’t be there, so as viewers we all know Ivan’s brother will absolutely be there. When Gabriel does finally pop up, it’s such a sweet moment, and Ivan seems genuinely surprised and so happy. I thought this was so touching. Gabriel tells Ivan that Ivan has always been there for him, so it’s nice to finally be there for Ivan.

Susan: I really loved this, and I think it’s another example of how different this season is. We know about Ivan’s brother’s history, and instead of pretending he hasn’t spent a good bit of time in prison, this episode gives a decent amount of honest airtime to Gabriel, both with Ivan and Tayshia. 

Emily: For our final cliche hometown date, we head to “Venice Beach” to chill with Ben. Venice Beach is somewhere I just went for the first time last year, so I will admit that people do be rollerblading a lot around there. And they probably do drink nutrition shots or whatever. But again, LIKE ZAC’S DATE (which sucked, Susan, it just did), this felt so impersonal. I have nothing notable to say about it. 

Susan: To me, this was much worse than Zac’s date because this didn’t look or feel like anything other than rollerblading around the resort making small talk. Like, we know it’s just rollerblading around the resort, but there was nothing AT ALL that made this feel special in any way. 

Emily: That evening, Tayshia and Ben meet up with Ben’s sister Madalyn (I hate that she spells her name like this but I also know this isn’t her fault) and some rando named Antonia. Because I have zero interest in Top Chef, I really did think Antonia was Madalyn’s lesbian lover as I was watching this. Which I was really down for, especially since the show made no comment about it. I was like, wow, how progressive of ABC to just let a lesbian couple on the show without making it a huge plot point. But no, Antonia is some pseudo-celebrity that Ben kinda knows from training her at the gym. I suddenly lost all interest in her as soon as I realized this. Madalyn was delightful though.

Susan: Wait, what? I did not know this until this very moment. I do not care for it. This evening portion of the date wasn’t great either, honestly, It felt like it was shorter than everyone else’s, and that’s probably because they didn’t talk about much. After everything Ben has said about his sister, I wanted to see more of them together, but instead, I feel like we got more Antonia. But I guess Antonia made Ben realize he’s in love with Tayshia? He wants to tell Tayshia, but he can’t do it. 

Emily: Before the rose ceremony, Tayshia is really contemplating the merits of polygamy and if that can be the true twist of her season because all of the men she has left are such great human beings. But no, Chris Harrison says she has to eliminate someone because them’s the rules. No matter how bad she wants to bone all of them in fantasy suites. 

Susan: I truly thought Ivan was going home this episode. And not because he should, but because sometimes the one who has the most delightful hometown date (or more positive edit of their date) gets the axe. I was pleasantly surprised he stayed, and now I’m hoping this is actually a Bachelor edit he’s getting.

Emily: Yeah that would be great if they hadn’t already cast and filmed the next season of The Bachelor already.

Susan: Zac and Brendan get the remaining two roses.

Emily: Tayshia takes Ben outside to have an emotional goodbye with him, but it doesn’t come. He promises her he’s going to be okay. It’s clear to me that Ben is in shock, but Tayshia is annoyed that she put all of this emotion into their relationship and got nothing back. Honey. Welcome to dating men. You provide all the emotional energy and they give you the bare minimum in return. That being said, you just broke up with him, so he really doesn’t owe you anything.

Susan: I think her frustration with him goes beyond this moment of the breakup and is more about how she’s felt like she’s had to coax emotion out of him all season. We got to see some of this, but I think there’s even more that we didn’t see because she talks about it quite a bit. Anyway, farewell, Benjamin.

Team I Just Met My Husband (Emily)

Riley: 7 (ELIMINATED)

Ivan: 5

Yosef: 5 (BACK FOR MTA)

Jason: 2 (BACK FOR MTA)

Last Week Total: 409

This Episode Total: 19

Total: 428

Team Reckless on Instagram (Susan)

Blake: 25 (ELIMINATED)

Ben: (ELIMINATED)

Brendan: 9

Zac: 9

Noah: (ELIMINATED)

Last Week Total: 329

This Episode Total: 43

Total: 372

Team Reckless on Instagram is slowly but surely catching up with Team I Just Met My Husband. It’s 2 against 1 now. How will it all shake out? We’ll find out next week!